Chapter 24 Shaun #2
As I top off his hot chocolate with the mandatory “skooshy cream,” a golden truth dawns on me—the reason I feel so comfortable around Freddie: he accepts me for who I am, something Lara never did.
She was always trying to make me better.
Maybe that’s why all those years I spent with her, I never felt like I was good enough.
The bathroom door clicks open and, in a cloud of billowing steam, Freddie emerges, one of my towels wrapped around his waist. I’m thankful to see Zombie Freddie came off in the wash.
His skin has returned to its normal radiance.
The tight muscles of his upper body glow and glisten with moisture.
His damp hair cascades to his shoulders in a messy sprawl.
The sight of his bare body doesn’t fully incapacitate me anymore, but it’s still near impossible to look away. He really is the most gorgeous thing.
“Aw, would you look at that!” Freddie rests his hands on his hips. “I’m half-naked and you’re not. Hardly seems fair, does it?”
“I suppose not,” I say, sprinkling a few decorative mini marshmallows onto Freddie’s hot chocolate.
“Guess you’d better take your shirt off too. Level the playing field.”
“Or you could put some clothes on?” Wow. That didn’t even remotely sound like I meant it.
Freddie laughs.
“Suppose I should, given the chills and all. Although…” He sidles up to the counter beside me.
“I’ve heard the best way to warm up is full contact.
Skin-on-skin. Back on the sofa we were both fully clothed.
Maybe we should”—Freddie’s fingers trace a tantalising line up his abs—“heat things up for round two?”
My mouth has gone dry. I somehow manage to tear my eyes away from Freddie long enough to pick up his hot chocolate and hand it to him.
“You’re high,” I remind him.
He takes the hot chocolate with a sheepish grin. “Only a wee bit.”
We retire to the sofa and sit in silence for a couple of minutes while Freddie drinks.
“This is really fucking good,” he says, licking cream from his lips. “Seriously, have you thought about making these for a living?”
I roll my eyes. Then, because I can’t wait any longer, I ask, “Are you going to tell me what happened tonight?”
The playfulness disappears from Freddie’s eyes as he takes another sip. “Sure, but fair warning, you’re gonna think I’m a dick.”
“Too late,” I jibe, though his smile has completely faded now. Okay Shaun, not the time for jokes. “Sorry. Kidding. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I am curious how you ended up here in the middle of the night, half-frozen.”
Freddie stares into the depths of his mug.
“Yeah, sorry about that, I just… I didn’t…” His eyes meet mine and my chest tightens. They’re full of tears. He sniffs, his lower lip bunching like a crumpled ribbon. “I did something bad, Shaun.”
He sounds devastated. I’m a little taken aback; I’ve never seen Freddie act anything but confident.
“How bad?” I ask, struggling to imagine what terrible thing he could possibly have done.
Freddie twists his finger around a loose thread from the towel. “Remember this morning when you picked me up? When we left the house, do you remember me locking the front door?”
I cast my mind back, but I hadn’t been paying attention. Truth be told, I was still shellshocked from encountering Freddie in his underwear.
“No. Why?”
Freddie’s shoulders slump and he lets out a low groan.
“Because I didn’t. I forgot to lock it and—” he shuts his eyes in a pained grimace, “—and that’s how the burglars walked straight in.”
“The—,” the penny drops, “oh no. Oh, Freddie! Are you serious? You were burgled?”
He gives a weak nod. “They took everything. All Rory’s expensive kit. And the insurance won’t cover it because it was completely my fault. So yeah, I’m sorry I didn’t message you back, but I just felt so bad. I went for a drink and a walk and I kept on walking and… well, you can guess the rest.”
I blow out a long breath. No wonder he’s spiralling. The guilt would tear anyone apart. “But you’re okay, right? Your brother’s okay?”
A huff of dry laughter from Freddie.
“Define ‘okay’. He’s furious. He’s got no stuff and a moron for a brother. Plus, he’s making me pay him back for all of it. Not that I’d expect any different, mind. But still, there goes my life for the next few years.”
I recall how nice everything in Freddie’s house was and shudder.
“How much?” I ask.
Freddie hangs his head.
“You don’t want to know.” He places the half-drunk hot chocolate down on the coffee table and runs a hand through his damp hair. “Man, I’m such an idiot!”
“Hey!” I slice the air apart with my hands. “Enough of that, okay? It was a mistake. A pretty big one, sure, but that does not make you an idiot.”
Freddie shakes his head. “I’m always ruining shit for him. I used to think it was funny how annoyed he’d get over the littlest things but now it’s like, well, maybe I was the problem all along, you know? Maybe he’d be better off without me?”
My heart bleeds for him. I reach out and take his hand, sandwiching it between mine. “Freddie, you are not a problem. Don’t ever say that about yourself.”
He shoots me a dubious glance. “You haven’t known me very long—”
“I’ve known you long enough to see what a hard worker you are. How much you try to do a good job. How amazing you are with people! How—,” I swallow, nervously, “how you make my days better just by existing, okay.”
Freddie frowns, like he’s waiting for the catch. I squeeze his hand tighter.
“I mean it, Freddie. You’re a lovely man, and I’m not just saying that because I fancy you.”
His lips part slightly, revealing a cupid’s bow of pearly white teeth.
“No one’s said anything like that to me in a long time, Shaun. Not since Mum.”
He falls silent as tears stream down his cheeks. The young man in front of me isn’t the same one who swaggered into my café with an empty CV but more charisma than a movie star. He’s vulnerable and, given what he’s told me, he’s a man starved of love. A feeling I know all too well.
I clear my throat.
“Forgive me if I’m overstepping here, but your brother. Rory. Is he ever, you know, nice to you?”
Freddie shrugs. “Sometimes? It’s like, I know he loves me, right? However much he tries to hide it, we’re still family. But most of the time, I dunno if he likes me very much.”
“Right,” I nod. “He doesn’t seem like the affectionate type.”
Freddie’s head droops a little. “He used to be. That changed. After Mum.”
The dots connect in my head and I lean in closer.
“Freddie, you and your brother went through something terrible. You lost your mum, and I’m guessing your dad wasn’t in the picture to begin with?
” He shakes his head. “Right. Well, I can’t even imagine that kind of pain.
Losing a parent at such a young age is devastating, for both of you. It will have changed everything.”
Freddie’s mouth lifts in a sad little smile. “We used to hang out. Play music together. But he won’t do it now. He says I remind him of her like it’s a bad thing. I guess that’s maybe why he can’t stand to look at me half the time.”
Oh no, now I’m tearing up. “I’m sure that’s very painful for him. But it’s also not your fault.”
Freddie looks confused. “How not?”
“Well, you didn’t choose to take on your mother’s best qualities, did you? You just did.”
He contemplates, looking into the middle-distance for a second. “I guess not?”
“No. You didn’t. But from what you’ve told me she was a pretty special lady? Well, I believe it, but only because I know you. If you remind him of her, that’s a testament to how good of a person you are! If he can’t deal with that, then I’m sorry Freddie, but that’s his problem. Not yours.”
He’s hanging on my every word. For once, I feel like I’m nailing my half of a conversation, so I press on.
“You’ve been to hell and back and look at you! You’re a smart, charismatic, kind person who could charm the pants off a monk! Don’t you realise how amazing that is? To have been through all that and still be a gold-star human being?”
“That’s not—,” he stammers, “I mean, underneath all that crap, there’s a lot of baggage, you know?”
“Of course there is,” I reassure him. “These things take years to get over. Sometimes they stay with us forever. But not letting them ruin us, or turn us bitter, that’s the sign you’re doing something right.
So you’re not an idiot, Freddie. And, I promise you, you’re not a problem.
Yes, you made a mistake. You’ll feel guilty and the next few years will be rough while you pay him back, but you will pay him back, you’ll learn a lesson, and before you know it, the whole thing will be forgotten. ”
He gives me a grim little smile. “I don’t think Rory will ever let me forget this.”
I draw myself up, puffing out my chest. “Well, he should. And if he doesn’t, you can tell him to talk to me.”
Freddie’s eyes go wide. Secretly, I really hope Rory does let him forget this. I’m not sure I’d want to be on that meathead’s bad side. But I’ll do it, if I have to. For Freddie.
Freddie turns his whole body towards me, crossing one leg over the other. “I’ve changed my mind about you, Shaun.”
My heart plummets. I’ve said too much again.
Freddie inches closer.
“Maybe you are in the wrong career, after all. You should be a therapist for sad gay boys instead.”
Phew.
I chuckle. “I’ve been through therapy myself. You pick up a thing or two.”
“Evidently.” Freddie flutters his eyelashes, still dewy with tears. “So, you fancy me, eh?”
I cringe. Yup, I definitely said that, didn’t I?
I look at him fondly and say, “How could I not?”
We share a smile that quickly softens. Freddie props himself up and lifts a hand to my cheek, making me blush. He leans in, and I mirror him, and our lips meet for the second time today.
It’s faster, harder, more intimate than the first.
Eyes closed, I blindly reach out and wrap my arms around him, pulling his bare body closer. Freddie’s mouth opens wider and I slide my tongue inside, tasting chocolate as I wrestle with his. A tiny moan escapes him.
We stay there, lips locked, until I finally have to come up for air. I gasp as Freddie swings one leg over my lap and straddles me. I gaze up at him, his perfect silhouette framed by the dim gold of the ceiling lamp. His blue eyes sparkle.
“Freddie, are you… in control right now?” I ask. I have to make sure.
“Wow Shaun. Didn’t realise you were such a sub,” he teases and smirks down at me. I thump him playfully on the side of his leg and he chuckles. “Nah, don’t worry, I’ve sobered up. Enough to know I’m straddling the hottest man I’ve ever met on his sofa, and wild dogs couldn’t drag me away.”
Freddie places his hands on the headrest either side of me and I feel his weight leave my legs. Slowly, he edges his hips further up my thighs until his butt is hovering over my crotch. What is he—?
He sits.
Oh wow.
“Ugh,” My body goes into meltdown as Freddie begins gently rocking his hips, grinding on my crotch with his butt, just one thin layer of denim separating our flesh. My back arches and my eyes roll back.
There's a wonderfully soft sensation as Freddie starts kissing my neck again, sending shivers down my spine. I grasp the cushions for dear life.
After a moment of euphoria, Freddie leans forward and whispers, “Have you thought about me? When you’re by yourself, have you fantasized about this?”
Oh my god. How does he know? I swallow. No point in lying.
“Yes.”
He makes a little noise of gratification, his breath warm on my neck.
“And after this morning, did you, you know,”—his eyes glance downwards—“release?”
“Oh!” My voice catches as Freddie grinds harder. “No, I ended up having that—ugh—cold shower instead!”
Freddie drags a sharp canine over his lower lip.
“Good boy,” he says, in a voice that drives me wild. There’s a twinkle in his eye as he reaches down to unbutton my jeans. “Then let me take care of you instead.”