12. Kai
CHAPTER TWELVE
KAI
We hardly sleep at all, and Oskar leaves right after breakfast. The dishes in the sink stop me when I start cleaning the kitchen. Two plates, two forks, and two mugs. Two of everything.
No one else ever eats here except Mom and some teammates. Now, Oskar has joined that club.
We had an amazing day and a night I’ll never forget. Sex with Oskar is always incredible, and sharing a bed was even better. Holding each other, laughing at stupid little things like how his foot looked paler than the white sheets. Falling asleep in his arms.
I don’t remember the last time I had as much fun with a guy as I’ve had with Oskar since we met.
Being with him is dangerous because he sees me. There’s plenty I haven’t told him, but it feels like he knows anyway. He seems to like what he sees.
If my life were different, Oskar might be exactly what I need. That’s what scares me so much.
Simple friendships can feel risky, and I know better than to let anyone in this far.
As I reach for one of the mugs, my hand is shaking. My brain takes off on its built-in rink, going so fast I can’t catch all the thoughts racing around up there. So I do something that helps. Instead of going to the reset room, which does no good when I am this worked up, I clean.
Carrying towels to the laundry room, I can’t help burying my face in the one Oskar used this morning. It hasn’t dried, and it still smells like him. Fuck my chest for how it tightens, making me wish I could have a boyfriend like Oskar. But that will never happen because I can’t afford the risk.
I move on to straightening up. It’s silly to spend time on this every day since I rarely leave anything out of place, but it’s a habit. At least today, I’m smart enough to find a cloth and dust as I go. Not that there is any dust since I cleaned yesterday before Oskar got here.
While I’m checking my LEGO to be sure they’re all aligned, my phone buzzes. I start toward the kitchen counter where I left it, then stop myself.
I’m hoping it’s Oskar, but what if it isn’t? Maybe Mom’s checking in from her vacation in Alaska, or one of my teammates wants to have lunch. If it’s Oskar, I’ll feel more conflicted than I already do; if it isn’t, I’ll wonder why he hasn’t texted.
Finish straightening things first. That’s what a normal person would do.
Five minutes later, I’m in the kitchen picking up my phone.
My nerves are thrumming as soon as I see Oskar’s name, and I clutch the phone to my stomach.
Although I’m desperate to read the message, I’m afraid to.
I close my eyes, and after I count to fifty, I’m feeling calmer.
Finally, I raise my hand and look at the screen.
OSKAR: Hello baby. I made it back to my hotel and took a nap.
Hopefully, you are doing well. Thank you for inviting me over yesterday.
I had so much fun. And last night was everything making love to a beautiful man should be, which is why I am so tired.
I cannot forget your face when you were riding me or the sounds you made.
OSKAR: I miss you already. Are you busy today?
Fuck.
I put the phone on the counter, screen side down. It doesn’t help because every time I make a circuit around the living room, I go back to read his messages again.
Baby. He keeps calling me that, and I don’t say anything because I like it.
And what does he mean by how much fun he had? Does he mean the sex or the swimming? The orgasms or the talking? Which did he like better in the bedroom, fucking me or cuddling while we dozed?
Shit, which did I like better?
It’s impossible to say because they blur together. They’re inseparable, two sides of the same thing. The sex was incredible because I like the man so much.
My heart is beating so hard I get dizzy, so I sit on a barstool. This is what I’ve tried to avoid since college—the inseparability of a man from sex. Anonymous hookups helped me keep things compartmentalized. Except for the one with Oskar, because he didn’t remain anonymous.
Should I reply to his text now or wait? Now, right? So he doesn’t think I’m ignoring him.
What should I say? Nothing I can think of seems right. Every choice is too needy, too distant, too vague. It takes half an hour to settle on something that might work.
KAI: Thanks for coming over because I had an amazing time too. It’s been great hanging out with you. Hate to admit it, but you swim better than me. The advantage of youth, I guess. This is cleaning day for me. Hope you have fun.
My finger hovers over the send button, but I can’t tap it. This fucking message isn’t right either. It almost sounds like I don’t want to see him again, and I’d hate for him to think that.
I do want to see him again.
But I need to stop liking him so much.
For a few more minutes, I edit my message.
Had fun too. See you soon.
Delete soon. Too eager.
Had fun too. Thanks again.
Too formal, like I’m emailing my dentist.
Delete.
You’re trouble.
Too flirty.
Delete.
I toss the phone onto the counter, pace to the living room and back, and pick it up again.
KAI: I had a great time too! It’s a lot of fun hanging out with you, and I love how we laugh together.
I love other things too, like how you wouldn’t let me come for an hour, and it hit like an earthquake when I did.
Or how you tasted when I sucked you off.
Today’s cleaning day for me. Maybe we could get together again tomorrow or the next day?
That’s better, so I hit send.
Then I freak. Was that too much talking about sex?
A reply comes less than a minute later.
OSKAR: Do not work too hard. I’d love to see you anytime. My schedule is free, so tell me when.
God, look what I’ve done. I can’t help myself.
KAI: Sounds good. I’ll text you later with a time.
OSKAR: I’ll be here.
I set the phone down and wipe the same clean section of counter three times. My legs won’t stay still, and I’m halfway to the dishwasher before I veer toward the hall.
Reset room. Now.
I start the eucalyptus diffuser and grab a fidget ball before landing on the couch.
How can I want him so much yet be this afraid?
This is too familiar. He leaves me with his smile imprinted on my mind, texts to ask what I’m doing. He acts like we could be something.
Back in college, I’d believed it until I learned not to believe in anything. I should have known better than to trust someone could want me then, so why am I letting these fantasies drive me crazy now?
The eucalyptus smell disappears, replaced by detergent, sweat, and the stale heat of the athletes’ dorm.
“I love you,” he said, wrapping me in his arms.
“Love you too.” I kissed him and pulled the covers over us.
“Never want to be without you, Kai.”
“You don’t have to be.”
I’d thought I had it all. A spot as starting goalie at one of the biggest hockey schools, the Condors asking me every month if I was sure I wanted to finish college before joining the team, and the most amazing boyfriend in the world.
When I started uncovering lies, I found ways to ignore them.
He had to study for an exam, but one of my teammates saw him at a football team party.
Of course, there was an explanation. He burned out on studying and needed something to do; since I’d gone to a movie with friends, he went to the party.
He forgot to tell me about it, but that was understandable because he was so tense about his big test.
Another time, he went home to see his folks on my birthday weekend because his mom wasn’t feeling well.
Later, I found a ticket stub from a concert in Boston.
It had been on the night of my birthday.
When I asked, he told me his mom had called to say she was feeling better.
He’d forgotten it was my birthday, so he accepted the ticket from a friend.
But when I learned he was seeing another guy, I couldn’t make excuses for him anymore. Thinking maybe we could work things out, I confronted him.
“You said you loved me.”
“I do, but you wear me out. Everything with you is so much, Kai. Sometimes I can’t think. I need air.”
“‘Air’ means fucking someone else?”
He threw up his hands. “See? This is what I mean. Everything has to be a crisis. And in bed, you want things from me I don’t even understand.”
“That’s a lie. Either you’re the best actor in the world, or you love having sex with me. I love it too.”
“You love your version of it. I kept hoping you’d calm down and start being a normal guy instead of a weirdo.”
“I’m sorry. There are things I have to deal with, but I told you that up front. You said it made me special.”
“Yeah, well, I said a lot of things.” He shook his head in disgust. “I can’t do this. I don’t want to see you anymore.”
I was so stunned it took a moment to get my bearings. “Can we at least talk about it? You’re tired right now, and—”
“Just get out. I’m done with you.”
Instead of fading, the memories echo. Gradually, I become aware I’m bent over. As I sit up, the phantom pain in my stomach sharpens before I remember this happened years ago.
It’s true, I’m not like most people. Since I couldn’t change that, I learned to deal with it. I am normal, at least normal for me. I’ve accomplished a lot, and regardless of what I want, I can’t let anyone make me question my worth again.
Oskar’s last text shines in my mind: “I’ll be here.”
There were no games in that, but at first, there hadn’t been games with my college boyfriend either.
That’s the problem.
After some deep breaths, I get up and head to the kitchen for water. After gulping down half a bottle, I pick up my phone. Two messages are waiting.
OSKAR: Out for a walk, and this made me think of us.
He’d attached a photo of two statues that appeared to be walking side by side. They are men, and they are holding hands.
He saw that and thought of us? I sit with it longer than I should.
Below his message is one from a teammate.
THEO: Call me ASAP. Jace’s family needs help…
I text Oskar first.
KAI: I like this. Thank you.
Then I carry the phone out to the balcony and stare into the distance. When the sun goes down, I pull up a number and dial.