17. Chapter 17
Asher
Noah has no idea what’s coming. He may not mind pain as much as I do, but he trusts me way too much, and what he said in the bath pissed me off.
How dare he be so flippant about my question? It’s not that much to ask. Just don’t fucking kill yourself, Noah, how hard can it be?
He didn’t even contemplate for very long before he said, I can’t .
At least think about it. At least look at me and consider the way we are together.
We’re happy, goddamn it, and Noah should be happy I’m staying with him.
I’m happy about it; I don’t want to go back out there.
Out there, I have no control. In here, I have at least some kind of power—the power over Noah, even if he holds power over me too.
At least it’s no longer a power wielded by chains and knives.
We scrub ourselves clean and help each other wash our hair. Noah forgot to bring his conditioner, and he grumbles a bit about that.
“Not so fun to use body wash, is it?” I tease.
“It’ll get tangled to hell.”
Besides the lack of conditioner, we’re forced to use a single towel to dry ourselves, Noah having forgotten to fetch one from upstairs.
“You should bring another towel,” I say. “For next time.” That wording might not seem like much, but to me, it means a lot. Next time , as in, I will stay with you long enough for there to be a next time . Another towel , as in, I want to bathe with you again.
Noah lifts a hand and cups my cheek, smiling softly. Yeah, he gets it.
“Okay, Goldilocks.”
My cheeks flush before I have time to look away.
Fuck, he’s getting sexier by the minute.
The stuff he did to me in the middle of the night?…
Well, let’s just say, the thought of it alone is enough to make me pop a boner.
The fact that he’s a guy doesn’t even really faze me.
I don’t even think about it. It’s not like I thought a lot about the fact that Lilith was a girl.
She was just?…?Lilith. And Noah is just Noah, and I want him, in whatever way I can have him.
“Go on,” I say, jerking my head toward the bedroom. Our room. I don’t want to relocate to Noah’s bedroom upstairs. I’ve been through so much down here, and I’m eager to replace the bad memories with good ones.
Noah hesitates for a moment.
“What’s wrong? Don’t you want to?” My voice comes out darker than I intended, and a twisted idea forms in my mind. “Hey, I should’ve had that knife of yours,” I tease, lining up at his back and herding him toward the bedroom like he used to do with me when he held me prisoner.
He glances over his shoulder, hesitating.
“Go on,” I say, in that same teasing tone. “Or are you scared?”
He shakes his head, the wet strands of his hair dripping water to the floor. All at once, he discards the towel, walks naked into the bedroom, and lies on the bed on all fours.
I follow him, heart pounding hard and deep in my chest as I watch him present himself like that. I stop by the bedside, observing him—the stiff line of his back, his hair falling in front of his face so I can’t read his expression.
“That’s the position you want to be in?”
“I don’t know. How do you want me?” He makes a move to shift positions, but I put a hand on his flank, stopping him.
“Like this is fine.” I slide my palm down the curve of his ass, and he shivers visibly. “You want this, right?”
“Yes.”
“You’re not scared?”
He shakes his head.
“Because you know I won’t hurt you?”
“I don’t know that.”
“And you don’t care?”
He shakes his head again. “I just want you. What you do with me is of little importance.”
I suck in a breath, heart fluttering in my chest. That submission?…?It’s heady, intoxicating. Like a drug.
I kneel on the bed behind him, suddenly desperate for this. “Where’s the lube?”
Noah reaches to the floor and gives me the bottle without looking at me. I squeeze a dollop onto my fingers, but before I touch him where I so want to touch him, I stretch over his body, grip his jaw with my other hand, and twist his head to the side.
“You’re going to look at me while I do this, okay? You’re going to watch.”
“Okay.”
I slide a finger over his hole, feeling him shudder in my grasp. “I won’t be as gentle with you as you were with me.”
“That’s—” He gasps as I push the finger inside. “—fine.”
“Is it?” I ask with a smirk, feeling him shudder as I push the finger deeper, wanting to make him react, wanting him to protest, fight back, anything. At the same time, I can’t bring myself to truly make him hurt, even though I could. Even though he’d let me.
His ass swallows my finger whole, inviting me into that tight, warm place I can’t wait to visit with my cock.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Really?” I squeeze another finger alongside the first.
Noah inhales sharply, and his exhale turns into a whimper.
Fuck, that sound?…?I could eat it up. Eat him up.
I can’t fathom how much I want to hurt him, and at the same time, how much I want to pleasure him.
I want to make him cry from how good he’s feeling, how good it feels to submit to me.
On the other hand, shit never seems to work out quite the way I planned when it comes to him, and something tells me it will be me crying in the end.
“You know what, Noah?” I mutter.
“Yeah?”
“I think you’re better at relaxing than I am. Look how well you’re taking my fingers. You really want to be fucked, don’t you?”
“I do. I want you to fuck me, Asher.”
“Want to feel my cock inside you, like you were inside me?”
“Yeah?…?please.” He drops down to his elbows on the mattress, ass arched in the air. He looks so fucking good like this. Giving himself up to me. Trusting me completely.
“You ready?” I blanket his body with mine, erection nudged between his quivering thighs, whispering into his ear with my fingers still buried inside him.
“If I said no?…?would you care?”
“No.” I smirk at the word, unable to recognize myself.
Never in my life have I wanted to force anyone into sex.
The thought hasn’t even crossed my mind, and Noah?…
Noah is a virgin, for fuck’s sake; his first time should be the best I can give him, but somehow, I suppose I’m still angry with him.
He kidnapped me and held me prisoner; it’s only my right that I’m rough with him, and he seems to agree.
Not to mention our conversation in the bath—that promise he can’t give me?… Fuck him for that. He deserves this.
I pull my fingers out and coat my cock with lube. I hesitate for a moment, watching his trembling body splayed out for me, wondering if he’s truly ready for this, but then he rocks back toward me, and the strained words pushing past his lips make my mouth water.
“Please take me, Ash. I can’t stand not being connected to you.”
I hiss another curse under my breath as I grip my cock and lead myself into his body. Despite how I stretched him, he’s still so fucking tight, and I gasp at every inch sinking inside. My balls tighten, and I feel like I’m going to come if I don’t slow down.
Noah glances at me over his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“I just, uh?…?need a minute.” I lean over his back, trying to stop myself from being consumed by the pleasure.
I have to take command over this situation—convince myself I’m the one on top and in control.
“Legs spread,” I mumble, tapping his thighs, and he willingly parts them wider as I sink deeper inside.
He looks back at me over his shoulder, eyes dark and half-lidded. “Carve me out, Ash. Inch by inch.”
His dirty talk is weird as fuck, but the way he says it turns me on. That breathy rasp of a whisper, as if he’s telling me a secret the world isn’t worthy of hearing. It’s only between us.
Our truths.
Our secrets.
Us.
“How does it feel?” I stroke the small of his back, feeling him tremble. “Your first time?”
“G-Good,” he chokes out. “Feels good.”
“You’re doing so well, taking me like this. Letting me fuck you.”
“I’d let you— ah —I’d let you do anything to me, Asher.”
“Really? Would you let me do this?” I grab a handful of his hair and rip his head back hard.
He moans at that, offering no resistance. “Yeah.”
“Would you let me do this?” I grip his throat next, squeezing hard and punishingly.
“Y-Yeah. Anything.”
“As long as I have my hands on you and my cock in you, you don’t care if it hurts, right? You like it. You like my attention on you, even if it hurts.”
“Y-Yeah,” Noah moans, breath cut off from my ruthless grip on his throat. “Please, Ash.”
This isn’t the way it normally goes, I know that.
When doing stuff like this, you’re supposed to have a safe word, a gesture, something that tells the other party when you’ve truly had enough, when it’s not fun anymore, when you’re overriding boundaries.
I think Noah wants me to override his boundaries though.
He wants me to find where that line goes, where he’s truly had enough, where he transcends from a pleasurable ache to real, biting pain.
It’s not healthy, not by a long shot, but Noah isn’t someone who cares about being healthy, and neither am I. We have each other—that’s all we’ve got—and we have this safe haven where we can subject each other to what pleasures and pains our bodies crave, and what’s so wrong with that?
I’m staying with him, so I should be able to do whatever I want with him. He owes me. He fucking owes me.
I flip him around, and he lands on his back with a huff.
My cock slips out of him, and I stick it inside once more.
He stares at me as if I punched a hole in him, a low, keening noise tearing from his throat, but when I glance down between our bodies, his cock is hard and dripping precum onto his stomach.
“I’m going to come, okay?” I grunt, fucking him so hard the bed is creaking. “And you’re going to come when I do.”
“But?…”
I grasp his jaw. “No buts. When you see me come, you’ll follow. You won’t be able to help yourself.”
Noah whimpers and throws his head back onto the pillow, offering up his throat to me.
I take it, bearing down on it while I punch my hips forward, slamming into him as hard as I possibly can, knowing I’m hurting him but knowing I’m pleasuring him just as well.
The pleasure is the hurt, and the hurt is the pleasure.
I pull out and jerk myself until I spray him with my cum, drops landing on his straining cock.
“Oh fuck,” he gasps, watching me. “Yeah, come for me, Asher.”
Driven by my need to control him, I cut my orgasm short and grip his cock, using my own cum as lube as I jerk him off. “I didn’t come for you. You’re going to come for me though.”
“I am,” he groans, arching into my hand. “If you keep— fuck —doing that.”
My lip curls. “Go on. Or do you need something in your ass too?”
Noah nods wordlessly, looking almost afraid, even when he tells me yes. Jerking him off with one hand, I bring my other between his legs, sliding two fingers into the slick mess of his hole.
“Not so tight anymore, are you?” I mumble. “I think I could stretch this ass even wider. Could put my whole fist in here one day. Would you like that?”
Noah whimpers wordlessly. I add a third finger, and his back arches off the bed, his expression pained even as his cock twitches in my hand.
“Are you hurting, baby?” I ask, twisting the fingers cruelly. “You’re going to come for me though. Let me hear you.”
Said and done. Noah cries out as his cock twitches, and the head erupts, spilling onto his stomach and dripping over my hand.
“Fuck,” I mumble, sliding my hand in the wet, slippery mess of both our releases.
I gather as much as I can in my palm and push that mess into Noah’s mouth.
Eyes closed, he moans and sucks my fingers clean.
“How does it feel? Not being a virgin anymore on both ends.” I slip my fingers out of his hole, and they release with a wet, obscene sound, as if his ass wants to keep them inside, unwilling to let them go.
“Feels?…” Noah groans. “Fuck, Asher, I don’t?…?I don’t even know what to say.”
“Did you like it?” I shift to lie next to him, hand sliding up and down the mess on his stomach.
“Like it? That’s not enough. I want to do it?…?always. Every day. Is that possible?” He gulps as he turns to his side, and when our eyes meet, I know he’s telling the truth.
I smirk, feeling fucking elated that I was right about everything—about him, what he likes, what he wanted me to do, and what would bring him the most pleasure and satisfaction.
“Maybe. Your ass might say otherwise though.” Going from a complete virgin to fucking every day wouldn’t be the best idea, I don’t think.
“We could take turns. I could fuck you every other day.”
“You could ,” I say, my smirk turning wicked. “But maybe I won’t let you.”
Noah frowns.
“I think you enjoy it more than I do,” I explain, still smirking. “It fits you better—my fingers in your ass, my hand around your throat. I think they belong there.”
His eyes glaze over, and he nods. “They do.”
I think I belong here.
The thought makes me want to smile and cry at the same time, because what if it’s true?
Or what if being with him, being here, is just twisting my perception to the point where I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore?
I’m alienated from the rest of the world, disconnected from it all.
My parents, my friends, Lilith?…?I don’t care about what happens outside of this little room, outside of this bubble Noah and I have cultivated.
The rest of the world doesn’t matter. It’s never made me happy, but this does.
This makes me happy. I just don’t know how to express it, and I don’t think Noah does either, but I guess I have to try, especially considering how good he’s been to me—how he gave himself to me, like I gave myself to him.
“You make me feel so much,” I mumble, tracing a finger along his jaw. “I hate it. I don’t know if I can stand it.”
“You will,” Noah says. “You’ll learn to stand it, as I have.”
“So you feel the same?”
He smiles wryly. “I think you know the answer to that question, Goldilocks.”
I turn onto my back, staring at the ceiling, feeling like the sunlight is dancing in a weird way.
I follow that light with my eyes, trying to find some kind of pattern, but there is none.
The light is dancing and swirling before my eyes, and it feels like a dream as much as reality, like pleasure as much as pain, like joy as much as dread.