1. Collins
Chapter 1
Collins
(AGE 9)
M OMMA AND DAD ARE yelling at each other again. They do that a lot lately. It makes me sad to hear them say such mean things to one another. I thought moms and dads were supposed to love each other and take care of each other for forever. Supposed to be good examples for their kids and make sure we grow up happy.
I guess I was wrong. What does a nine year old know about love, anyway?
A loud crashing sound has me running to my usual hiding spot. I fling open my closet door and pull it shut behind me once I’m fully inside. I push myself back past the hanging clothes and slide down to my bottom when my back hits the wall.
I reach blindly into the dark, in search of the giant headphones that Asher gave me. He said whenever he’s not home and this happens, that I can hide and turn off the outside world by putting these on. I slide them over my messy hair and follow the cord to the old Walkman attached to the other end .
I flinch as I hear more shouting and another crashing sound, like something shattering against the wall. I start to rock back and forth as I turn it on, hit the big ‘play’ button, and wait for the music to start. I breathe a sigh of relief when I hear the first few notes of my favorite singer. Ziggy Stardust. Asher says his real name is David-Something, but I don’t think it’s as cool as Ziggy.
The Prettiest Star plays through the speakers of the headphones and instantly the world fades away. I close my eyes and wrap my arms around my knees, hugging them close to my chest as I hum along to the words. Tears spring up behind my closed eyes and I don’t try to stop them. Asher says it’s okay to be sad sometimes.
I can feel the heavy thud of footsteps crossing the floor of my room, growing closer to the closet and fear seeps from my body with each step. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter and stop breathing, hoping I’m not found in my hiding spot. Suddenly the closet door flies open, and I flinch away, turning my face toward the wall and bracing for the hit.
But it never comes.
Instead, I feel a soft, warm hand on my back. The song in my headphones starts to fade and that’s when I hear the muffled tone of a familiar voice. Slowly, I turn to see my big brother kneeling down in the doorway with a soft look on his face. I can see his lips moving, but I can’t hear him due to him speaking softly and my wearing these big headphones.
I watch as he reaches toward my face with both hands and carefully pulls the headphones from my ears. Once he sets them down, he holds his arms out to me.
“Asher!” I cry out as I shoot off the floor and stumble into his arms, settling in his lap and cling to him tightly. I bury my face in his neck and cry all my tears. I can still hear momma and daddy yelling, but with Asher holding me, I feel less scared.
Like everything will be okay.
“Shh,” He strokes the back of my head, his fingers getting caught in my tangled blonde hair. “It’s okay, Bug , I’ve got you. ”
When my tears slow down and my breathing settles, I realize that the house is now quiet. The sound of the front door slamming makes me jolt, and my head snaps up. Dad must have finally left. But that’s also when I notice we’re not alone in the room. My belly does this little flip as I look at the boy standing at the entrance of my room.
He’s here.
Creed St. James.
My big brother’s best friend. He and Asher spend lots of time hanging out and playing video games, but sometimes Creed will bring his guitar and play music for us. He’s really good, too. He says he’s going to be a rockstar someday. Sometimes when momma and daddy are gone from the house, the boys will invite girls over to listen to music and hang out with them, too.
Once, I heard a girl tell her friend that Creed was a “ Rock God with a rockin’ bod ”. Sounds absolutely silly, but I guess it’s a compliment. Whatever it means. To me, he’s just Creed, and that’s special enough. He’s also very handsome to look at, and sometimes it makes me blush. He’s a little bit taller than Asher, and his short black hair is always messy. His eyes are as blue as the sky and a smile that sends the butterflies in my tummy scattering. The black clothes he always wears really make his pale skin standout.
Of course, it’s nothing but a silly little kid crush. It’s basically the same as my being in love with Flynn Rider from the first time I watched Tangled. Asher and Creed had taken me to see it on a night when our parents were fighting. Really, it’s like I have two older brothers because Creed is equally protective and doesn’t hesitate to spoil me anytime he gets the chance.
That’s what I love most about these two boys in my life—they always protect me. They keep me shielded from when our parents are fighting. Asher always makes sure that I’m bathed and that my clothes are clean. He does his best to tame my hair, though it usually winds up more messy and tangled by the time he’s done fiddling with it. But I don’t mind.
He always makes sure that I’m fed, and my homework is done when momma and daddy are busy sleeping. He’s eighteen, but he acts more like a parent to me than my actual mom and dad.
I remember the night of my seventh birthday, Creed gave Asher the idea to take me to play mini-putt because one of the courses had a large castle built into it because I had wanted a princess party, but momma was sick, and daddy was too busy working that they forgot to plan my party.
At least that’s what Asher told me.
Asher dressed me up in my Rapunzel dress, gave me my very own tiara, loaded me up in his car and we met Creed at the course where he had a little cupcake with a single candle waiting for me. I won the game, naturally.
They’re truly the best humans I know.
I look up from Asher’s shoulder and I see Creed sitting on the end of my purple princess bed. He’s currently hunched forward with his elbows on his knees, hands clasped tightly together, and his head hanging down. But when he lifts his eyes and they meet mine, he gives me a big smile that sets off those darn butterflies in my tummy again. Only this smile doesn’t match the sadness in his eyes, though.
I tilt my head and smile back.
“Hey, Stardust .” He laughs as he watches me scramble and squirm in Asher’s arms, trying to escape his grip. He finally relents, letting me go and I practically trip over my own feet trying to get to his best friend.
“Hi, Creed!” I squeal as I leap into his arms, and he scoops me up into a tight hug.
Asher stands and runs his fingers through his dark blonde hair. That’s something we both get from our momma, the blonde hair and blue eyes. But I got my dad’s freckles on my face. Asher has a different dad, but we don’t know who he is. All we’ve ever known was my dad…whenever he’s awake or home.
“Hey Bug , do you want to go to a party with us? ”
“Is that really a good idea?” Creed questions as he sets me down on the ground again.
“It’ll be fine. Besides, this is the last party before we graduate.” He sighs and dips his head, muttering under his breath, “I feel like I’ve been playing the parent. I haven’t gone to any of the parties thrown this year because I was too busy taking care of…” he snaps his jaw shut as his eyes catch mine.
I may be a kid, but I know what he’s saying. I’m a burden. He would never say it out loud, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Asher always takes care of me, protects me, and takes me places with him, but it’s not his job. He’s not my parent and he’s had to sacrifice so much time to take care of me that he doesn’t get to be a regular teenage boy.
I feel guilty because if it weren’t for me, Asher would have a more normal life.
Shame floods me, heating my cheeks as I glance between Asher and Creed. Both with weary looks on their faces.
“Um,” I whisper, wringing my hands over my t-shirt, crinkling the already-faded picture of David Bowie on the front. Another gift from Asher and Creed from my birthday a few months ago. “I-If momma is home I can just stay here. Even if she’s s-sleeping.” I shrug my shoulders. “I can just stay in my room and?—”
“No,” Asher cuts me off, his voice curt as he pins me with his stare. “Not fucking happening, Bug .”
“Ash, it’s okay.” My lip wobbles as I climb up on my bed and grab my giant pink stuffed monkey that the boys won for me when they took me to the county fair last summer. “You…you don’t have to take me with you all the time.”
I say the words with as much courage as I can muster, and I mean them. My big brother and Creed are the most amazing boys I know for always including me, but they’re grown-ups now. They deserve to have their own fun without me. I know better than to leave the house and to stay put to stay safe. And I know it’s not their job to take care of me. Raise me .
Asher drags a hand down his face, his features twisted with indecision. My eyes swing to Creed, who still sits at the end of my bed, silently waiting for my brother to make a choice.
It’s late May, school will be out next week, and the boys will graduate high school and I get to graduate fourth grade. I get a cap and gown and everything, just like Asher and Creed. I’m so proud of my big brother because he gets to play baseball for a college somewhere. He won’t tell me where though. Says it’s a surprise. Creed doesn’t have any plans for college that I’ve heard of. But I don’t think he needs college.
He plays guitar. And piano.
Like, really good. And he sings, too.
Sometimes he brings his guitar over and I love to sit on my bed with my ear pressed to the wall that I share with Asher and listen to him play and sing. His voice is so unique, low and raspy, with a vibrato that gives me goosebumps every time. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine I’m at a concert, and he’s the lead singer, wowing a crowd with his musical talent. He says the chances of being rich and famous are small, so he doesn’t get his hopes up.
Creed breaks the silence by standing from my bed and makes his way to my doorway and leans against the frame, his arms crossing, showing off the new tattoo he got on his forearm. It’s words in a language I don’t know, but it’s still pretty to look at. “I don’t think it’s a good idea to bring her, man. This party is the biggest party of the year, and I can guarantee with almost one-hundred percent certainty that it will be out of control since Bear and Ayla are hosting at their parents’ lake estate.” He runs his hand through his inky black hair, mussing it up. “Your mom is home, and her dad isn’t coming back tonight. He never does after nights like tonight, and you know it. She’ll be safe here.”
I look over at Asher who is now pacing a small track into the worn rainbow rug in front of my homework desk. He looks so torn, and it hurts my heart that I’ve caused this. He shouldn’t feel like he has to choose me all the time. I’m his sister, not his kid. Tears sting and well in my eyes, but I don’t dare move to swipe them. I don’t want him to see and feel obligated to take me anywhere.
He whirls around to Creed, suddenly furious and shouting. “Really, man? You really trust that just because mom is home, that she’s capable of taking care of Collins? You know what she does to herself! The fact that she hasn’t surfaced from her bedroom tells me she’s medicated herself into a fucking drug coma and won’t be cognizant of the outside world at least until tomorrow afternoon when the shit she takes starts to wear off.” He swings his arm, motioning back to me without turning to face me, still looking at Creed. “What if she gets hurt? What if something happens and no one can take care of her? She’s got no phone to call for help, Creed. She’s got…she’s—” He cuts off, his shoulders shaking. I can’t see him, but I know he’s crying.
Asher says it’s okay to cry, but I hate to see my big brother break down like this.
In an instant, Creed claps his hand on Asher’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug. They’re silent but the display may as well be deafening. It’s full of understanding.
Comfort.
Reassurance.
I can’t contain the hiccup and sniffle that escapes my lips and nose, causing both boys to whirl around, their eyes on me.
“Oh, Bug , no…” Asher coos, rushing to swipe at his eyes as he sits down and pulls me into his lap, his arms wrapping tight around me, rocking us back and forth. His hand strokes my hair again just like a few minutes ago, his fingers pulling through some more of the tangles at the ends. He pulls away and I look up at his eyes, so similar to mine. To momma’s. “I won’t leave you here alone while mom is sleeping.” He looks to Creed, who’s eyes are pinched, probably guessing what Asher’s next words would be. “She’s going with us. Collins will be with one of us at all times. I just… I can’t leave her, Creed. I can’t—” His voice nearly breaks on the last part as he pleads with his best friend .
“ Fuck, okay.” He blurts over Asher, scrubbing a hand over his face. His ice blue eyes meet mine. “Grab a jacket , Stardust. It’s gonna be a little chilly tonight.” I don’t miss the flash of disappointment that graces Creed’s face before he pushes off the doorway, turning on his heel and stalking down the hallway and into the living room.
“Come on, Bug .” Ash stands, pulling me off the bed and handing me my favorite blue jacket with reflective stars all over it. “You don’t take this off tonight, okay?”
I nod reluctantly, shrugging on the jacket before he helps me to zip it. “‘Kay.”
“Let’s go to a party.” He smiles, picking me up and carrying me out the door, toward Creed’s car.