20. Creed
Chapter 20
Creed
“ F uck, you feel so good, baby.” I say as I grip my cock in my hand, tapping it against her clit a twice before gliding the tip through her soaking wet pussy, the reverse prince albert piercing rubbing up and over her clit and down through her entrance, gathering her wetness before notching myself against her. God, I fucking love the way she bucks and writhes against me when she feels the coolness of that piercing.
I’d love to spend hours between her legs, devouring her pussy until it was so swollen and tender that she’d be begging me to stop, but I’m too impatient right now. I have to be inside of her sweet heat before I combust.
“Please,” she begs, her husky voice higher with need.
“Please what?” I ask, a dark chuckle leaving my lips as I tease her by pushing inside her just an inch. “Tell me what you need.”
Her beautiful porcelain skin is glistening with sweat and glitter, her chest rising and falling rapidly with excitement and arousal as she lays splayed across the table of my dressing room backstage. I couldn’t wait to get her alone after the way I found her eye-fucking me from the front row as I sang my way through another concert. The way she bit her lip and watched me with a hooded gaze had me nearly forgetting the lyrics to our newest song .
“I need you to fuck me, please.” Her words sound like the sweetest prayer request falling from her perfect lips, and who would I be to deny such a sinful wish?
I lean down so close that my lips brush against hers as I whisper, “Try to stay quiet, baby. I’d hate to murder my bandmates because they got to hear those sweet sounds you make when my cock is deep inside of you.”
No sooner does she nod that I piston my hips forward, my cock sinking all the way to the hilt in one hard thrust and I revel in the feel of her body when she arches her back at the same time that her eyes roll back, and she cries out. A low groan rips from my chest at the feel of her pussy squeezing my cock so fucking tight, her walls contracting so hard around me that it threatens to make me blow before I’ve had my way with her.
She thinks she’s being sneaky when I spot her delicate fingers slipping lower to rub her needy little clit.
What a naughty little thing she is.
With one hand, I gather both of her wrists and hold them high above her head and I snap my hips into hers, my cock driving in and out of her pussy hard and fast. “What did I tell you about touching yourself, huh?” I ask, but the sound of our flesh coming together over and over nearly drowns out the question, but it’s like the soundtrack to my wettest and wildest fantasies, add in the soft mewling sounds she’s making each time my cock bottoms out inside her and I’m a fucking goner.
Her piercing eyes bore into mine, a flash of defiance dancing through her lusty gaze before she whimpers, “M-my pleasure belongs to you when you’re fucking me.” I smile at her admission, reveling in the way her voice shakes with the force of my fucking. “It belongs to only you.”
“That’s a good fucking girl.” I praise before crushing my lips against hers in a bruising kiss.
I pull away slowly, and using my free hand, I shove up the sheer top she’s wearing and yank on the strappy contraption that has her tits encased in the most amazing way and expose her perky breasts to me. God she’s fucking perfection.
I continue fucking into her as I bend my head down and capture one of her dusky pink nipples between my teeth and tug at the same time my hand pinches the other, causing her to cry out.
“Oh, God, fuck.” She moans, her hands pulling against my grip as I ravage every sensitive part of her body that I can reach.
I release her nipple with a pop and lift my gaze to hers, an evil, knowing grin pulling at my lips. “That’s it,” I pull my cock out and she whimpers. I plunge back in without guidance before repeating the action several more times, reveling in the sweet pleas falling from her lips. “Pray to me while I’m buried deep inside this pussy.”
I pick up the pace, fucking her so hard I have to chase her perfect cunt with the way the table legs are scraping across the floor. The feel of her pussy tightening around my shaft has me nearly seeing white with how hard she’s squeezing me, but I’m not about to fucking blow my load before feeling her come all over my throbbing cock.
Releasing her hands, I straighten myself and grab her thighs, holding them in a near-bruising grip as I force them wider and press them back against her chest as I fuck her at a new angle. “Creed!” Hearing my name on her lips like this is fucking music to my ears. She’s panting and her chest is flushed in the most beautiful shade of pink as I fuck her into oblivion right here, backstage.
I reach out and pop my thumb between her parted lips. “Suck,” I order, and she moans as she obeys and sucks it into her mouth, her tongue swirling around the tip before gently biting down causing me to hiss.
Fuck, my dirty girl likes to play.
Pulling my thumb from between her perfect lips, I move my hand down and press against her clit, hard.
“Please,” she cries out, trying to buck her hips against me to get more friction, but I only press into her harder, my fingers splayed on her pubic bone to hold her down.
“You want to come, baby?” I ask, stalling my hips and pulling my cock from her heat once more. I love the way she whimpers at the loss.
She nods. Not good enough, baby. I chuckle, but the sound is so low and rough that it sounds like something fucking dark and wicked. I lean down, my lips barely touching hers as I whisper, my voice gruff, “Beg harder.”
She rewards my words with a gush of wetness, my abdomen now coated in her cum and I want to wear it like a fucking cologne for the rest of the night.
“Fuck me, please, I want to come so fucking hard on your cock, Creed.” She pants through her clenched teeth. She reaches up, gripping my shoulders, her nails digging into the muscle there before looking down at where we’re connected. The perfect view of my cock disappearing into her pretty pink pussy, her arousal painting her thighs and my lower abdomen. Her head drops back against the table with a thud, eyes rolling back once more as I give her what she needs and start to pound into her with reckless abandon. My eyes never leave hers as she begs the sweetest “please, please, please,” repeatedly in her sweet, addictive, raspy voice.
“Such a good fucking girl for me, begging so pretty.” I stroke a finger across her lips before trailing down her chin, then lower still, spanning my tattooed fingers across her flawless, slender neck. I squeeze lightly, feeling my own release building at the sight of the most perfect girl before me. I can’t fucking get enough of her so I curl my hand around that’s splayed across her pelvis and press my middle and ring fingers inside of her pussy and I nearly come right then and there when I feel my cock thrusting in and out of her on my hand. My fingers fuck her pussy at the same pace as my cock, my thumb finding her clit again as I circle the sensitive bud fervently. “Come for me, baby so I can paint the walls of your perfect pussy with my cum.”
I can feel the moment she surrenders because her body completely relaxes for a moment before her muscles go taut when I pick up the pace and rut into her fast and hard with my fingers still fucking her in tandem with my cock while swiping my thumb in quick circles, causing her body to jolt and shake beneath me with her orgasm. “Oh, fuck, Creed!” she moans. “I’m com—fuck! Don’t stop. Please don’t fucking stop.”
“Are you going to let me come inside this tight pussy, baby?”
“Fuck, please.” She begs, “Come inside me. Fucking claim me, Creed. I’m yours. ”
“Fuck yes,” I groan as reclaim her lips in a hard, greedy kiss. I feel my balls draw up tight, and I blink down at her. Suddenly, her face comes to me in full clarity. Jade green eyes, full lips, white platinum hair fanned out, forming a halo around her freckled, alabaster skin. Her name falls from my lips just before I come deep inside her, making her mine.
“Collins—”
I wake with a jolt as sunlight pours into the room from the floor-to-ceiling windows where I forgot to pull the curtains closed last night. I squeeze my eyelids shut to block out the invasive light. My heart is pounding and threatening to burst from behind my ribcage as vivid images of last night’s dream come flooding back to the forefront of my mind.
Holy fuck. It was single-handedly the hottest dream I think I’ve ever had. My painfully hard cock is sporting evidence of the erotic mindfuck I just slept through.
Also the worst timing considering I just shoved Collins right back into the family-friend-zone last night.
My head throbs from the lack of sleep I got overnight, but with no upcoming meetings, no recording sessions, and no concerts scheduled for a few weeks, I intend to take full advantage of the time off and go back to sleep. I want to turn over and ignore the world— and my dreams that feature a certain bombshell who just fell back into my life —a while longer but I suddenly become very aware of a warm body wrapped around mine.
For a moment I’m confused as to who the fuck could possibly be in bed with me because I don’t allow women in my bed at home, but then I remember Collins talking me into sharing the bed and building that ridiculous wall of pillows between the two of us. I peel my eyes open and see that the fluffy barrier Collins created has failed spectacularly. My traitorous heart thumps hard as I’m greeted with a head full of white-blonde hair splayed across my chest as a sleeping Collins nuzzles closer, her tiny body wrapped around me and her face buried deep in the crook of my neck. Her soft breaths against my skin have me erupting in goosebumps .
I lay stock still, not daring to move as I grant myself permission to peruse the sight before me. When my eyes travel down the length of her body wound tightly around mine, and it doesn’t escape my notice that my arm is wrapped around her waist, holding her just as tight to me as she is clinging to my body.
I nearly choke on my own damn tongue when I see not only have we both kicked the sheets off at some point overnight, but she seems to have also lost her fucking sweatpants as well because her smooth, creamy, bare leg is bent and resting over mine, her thigh dangerously close to brushing against my boxer covered cock. Her arm is slung over my torso, her hand hugging tightly around me like she can’t get close enough.
This mouth-watering view of her allows me to see the floral tattoo that now consumes over half of her arm. It’s the same tattoo pictured in the Polaroid she’d sent two years ago, but it looks like more flowers were added. A peony consumes her entire shoulder, followed by a rose wrapped around her tricep, hydrangea flowers wrap around her lower bicep just above her elbow, and what looks like deadly nightshade leaves and flower buds stop poke out between all the petals. Rather than traditional shading, it’s filled with stipple shading which honestly makes it look even more unique.
I wonder briefly how the hell she afforded such a phenomenal tattoo with near perfect linework and shading, but that’s a question I file away for another time.
Collins shifts, adjusting herself against me and I nearly combust when I feel the heat of her pressing against my thigh through her fucking sinful baby pink lace panties, that are now exposed for me to see, but she groans in her sleep. The sound is so goddamn erotic not only does it take my cock from half-mast to full on erection, but it starts setting off all kinds of warning bells in my brain telling me that this is wrong.
I start silently formulating how the fuck I’m going to uncurl her body from mine without waking her or potentially embarrassing her, but I’m saved from figuring it out when she flips herself over on her other side and cuddles up against one of the pillows left from the wall she’d created.
Thank fuck.
I swipe a hand down my face, rubbing the sleep from my eyes before rolling carefully from my spot in bed, ignoring the feeling that sweeps through my body at the loss of the warmth of her touch. I make my way to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind me to shower. I was so fucking worn out after all the bullshit went down last night that I’d only had the energy to brush my teeth, wash my hands, and pass the fuck out.
My mind is reeling as I step under the spray of the shower, the hot water nearly making me groan. I still can’t believe that I’ve finally found Collins. I’d been looking for her for two. Fucking. Years. In a goddamned exotic night club. Just a single fucking city away from mine. Either my PI is a complete fucking moron, or she’s really good at not being seen when she doesn’t want to be.
She’s much different than she used to be when she was younger. Not just her looks, but her entire demeanor and personality has changed. I remember what a peacekeeper she used to be, always going along with whatever dumb-fuckery her brother and I had planned, but always keeping to herself as if she didn’t want to burden us by her being in our presence. The weird thing is, I never minded her going with us most places. You’d think that being a typical teenage guy that Asher and I would bellyache about having to take Collins with us everywhere we went, but that just wasn’t the case with the three of us. Collins was just… there. A part of us. She was just easy.
Now, though? She’s a fuckin’ hellcat, that’s for sure. My guts twist painfully at the mere thought of what she went through while in foster care that forced her to abandon that sweet, easygoing personality and swapped it out for something more harsh, something tougher, and topped off with that take-no-bullshit attitude. Really, I can’t say I’m mad about the change though. She may be petite in every fucking sense of the word, but goddamn is she mighty. I’ll admit that it’s a fucking turn-on when she’s all feisty.
Shit. Can’t have thoughts like this, Creed. No. no. Fuck! Just no.
Willing my straying thoughts and the erection that comes with it to go the fuck away, I finish washing up and step out of the shower. I get dressed in the bathroom, brush my teeth, mess up my already messy hair and steel myself for potentially seeing Collins again. In my bed. In those lacy panties— FUCK .
For the second time this morning, I’m saved when I open the bathroom door slowly and see no sign of Collins. Relief is quickly abandoned and replaced with panic because she’s not fucking here. Fuck, I hope she didn’t try to split. Spotting my phone still on the charger, I dash over to it, intent on calling her and telling her to get her little ass back in my house when I see a text from Riley. The time stamp from nine minutes ago.
Riley: I was already up and cooking when Collins came down and tried to make a rather hasty exit.
Riley: No worries though. I’m distracting her with bottomless bacon and pancakes.
I feel relief wash through me once again and I chuckle at his last text.
Riley: Please add bacon and pancake mix to the grocery list. Where the fuck does this girl put it all?
Pocketing my phone and making my way downstairs, I carefully sift through the millions of thoughts occurring all at once in my head when the most prominent one hits me. Shit , we need to tell Asher. He’ll be so fucking happy when he finds out I’ve finally got his little sister safe and sound again. Not sure how long that happiness will last when I tell him my plan for keeping her though.
Safe .
Keeping her safe.
No other reason.
As my feet hit the bottom step I can hear soft laughter filtering and bouncing off the walls of the house, emanating from the kitchen.
“No, that absolutely counts!” I hear Riley argue playfully.
“It does not!” Collins counters, her voice breaking as her pitch rises. Another effect of the vocal nodules; learning to speak in a lower tone because her higher voice came out as merely a whisper. “It freaking bounced off your lip and fell into your mouth. Does. Not. Count!”
I round the corner and step into the kitchen only to stop in my tracks. Collins is perched on the counter in Riley’s t-shirt he’d lent her last night, sans sweats. An empty plate sitting in her lap, the dish covering her smooth, bare legs on display as they hang down, swinging playfully in front of her. Riley has his back to me, his messy, scattered tattoos on full display considering his lack of shirt this morning, he faces the stove and pours more batter into the pan. So apparently wearing both a shirt and pants was optional this morning. Got it.
His shoulders shake with laughter as he tips his face in her direction momentarily locking eyes with her, and I know he’s smiling at her by the rise of his cheek before he turns back to watch the pancakes. After he flips it, he turns to her, planting his hands on his hips.
My eyes follow the movement but I try not to stare as I stand invisible in my own kitchen. No need to add more confusion over feelings and sensations I’m not ready to digest to my already muddled thoughts.
“Okay, one more. Winner take all, Snow.” Snow?
“And what exactly are we winning, Riley?”
“The best, most chocolatey pancake in the stack, obviously.” He scoffs teasingly.
“You’re on,” She smirks back at him, their eyes locking longer than a friendly amount, some mutual emotion passing through them. Ri dips his hand into a bag of chocolate chips and sprinkles a hefty amount into the batter of the next pancake before dropping a few into Collins’ waiting outstretched fingers.
Riley takes a step back and opens his mouth, sticking out his tongue. A second later, Collins takes aim and tosses the chocolate chip at him. Ri ducks at the last second and catches it in his mouth, chewing it once before swallowing it.
“You cheated! You’re supposed to stand still!” Collins laughs as she throws another chocolate chip at him. It must have melted in her hand because this time it hits him in the center of his chest and it sticks there.
Both of them look at the little morsel where it landed and break out into a fit of laughter. The sound makes me feel a little lighter. Something warms my chest and it feels good to see them both happy. Knowing that both of their pasts have the ability to hang over them like a dark thundercloud makes a moment like this feel like the first break of sun after an endless storm.
My mind temporarily short-circuits when Collins reaches out and swipes the melted chocolate from his chest and sucks it from her finger. Riley blushes at the same time his gaze turns heated as he watches her.
“Morning.” I say with all the calm, cool, collectiveness I can force as I make my presence known, heading straight for our coffee maker. I have to fight to keep from clipping my tone at them because this gnawing feeling inside of me is abso-fucking-lutely not jealousy.
It’s not.
At least, it’s not jealousy out of anger. I know Riley just met Collins, so I can’t assume what his feelings are for her, but I know he’s not blind. Collins is easily the most beautiful woman to grace this planet so I know he’s got to be attracted to her to some degree.
At the sound of my voice, both of their heads snap to me, Collins’ jade green shocked expression matches the deep mocha of Riley’s for a moment before their faces relax, each offering a smile while muttering a good morning back. They seemed surprised at my greeting breaking their bubble, but not even guilty that they got caught.
Not that they were doing anything wrong.
When I turn back around with coffee in hand, Riley’s shoveling the last of the pancakes from the pan. I grab two more plates from the cabinet behind me and set them on the island as Collins hops off the counter and loads her plate again, stealing the prize pancake that contains all the extra chocolate chips with a devious look in her eyes.
Riley looks at me with his own mischievous smile before we all make our way to the breakfast nook.
“Sleep okay, Creed?” Collins asks, but doesn’t look me in the eye as we all sit down. Does she know she ended up wrapped around me like a little koala?
The corner of my lips quirk up as I lean over, speaking low in her ear. “I’ve never slept so fucking hard in my life.”
Hard as a fucking rock.
I take great pleasure in the way her porcelain skin flushes the prettiest shade of pink, the color really emphasizing the freckles on her cheeks.
Yeah. She probably knows.
I shouldn’t goad her like I did, but it was too good to ignore. Pretty sure that makes me a hypocritical asshole after the way I kissed the fuck out of her last night then promptly pushed her away, but hey, I never claimed to be a good boy.
We eat in silence for several minutes before I finish off my second cup of coffee and clear my throat, gaining both Riley and Collins’ attention. My eyes meet Collins’ across the table as she slowly chews and finishes her last bite. Where the hell does it all go, indeed?
“Collins, we need to call Asher. He’s been worried sick?—”
Her bitter laugh cuts me off. “Has he, though? Because I haven’t spoken to him in years, Creed. Years. He stopped answering my letters, didn’t answer my calls, he just went radio-fucking-silent on me and you tell me that my brother is ‘worried sick’?” The words are nearly spit from her mouth with a renewed venom that causes a shift in the atmosphere of the room. Pretty sure I even see Riley flinch at her words out of the corner of my eye.
I keep my expression neutral as I lean back in the chair, crossing my arms over my chest. “Yes, he is. Asher’s been through some serious shit, too, while we were all separated. It’s not my story to tell, but just know that his situation gave him no choice but to put himself first and work on his own person so he could be there for others.”
I can see the curiosity and concern warring in her eyes as her expression loses all animosity. It’s now full of worry and for a moment I’m reminded of the little peacekeeper kid from Stutton. We’re all quiet for a moment before Collins licks her lips, her eyes darting around the tabletop while she thinks. She licks her lips before raising her gaze to mine and Riley’s. “Okay then. We’ll call him. But my phone is dead and I don’t even know if he has the same number anymore.”
“It hasn’t changed, but we can use my phone. I told him I’d call him when I was home from Europe so he’ll be expecting my call, anyway.” I explain, and she nods again, but she looks a little lost in thought. I stack her and Riley’s plates on my own and take them into the kitchen. I keep talking over my shoulder as I rinse the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. “There are some other things we need to discuss this morning that we sidelined last night.”
I hear Collins audibly groan before a thudding sound, followed by Riley’s quiet chuckle. Reentering the breakfast nook I see Collins slouched over with her head resting against her folded arms on top of the table and Riley now sitting next to her, a small smile tugging at his lips while watching her as if she’s the most fascinating person in the world.
He reaches out with a cautious hand and pats her back before rubbing a small circle and murmuring something close to her ear that has her chuckling by the way her shoulders are shaking. I expected to feel jealousy at their close proximity, but something about the interaction warms my heart. They’ve only known each other for less than a day and already they seem so comfortable with each other. Riley is one of the most respectful people I know when it comes to boundaries, so I know he’s only being friendly to her and wants to alleviate the heavy burdens we know she carries.
Quietly, I take the seat across from them again. I have a plan and I haven’t even run it by Riley yet, but now’s as good a time as any because I’m not willing to let Collins slip away again when I just got her back. We. We just got her back. Asher and Me. Me and Asher. Definitely not just me. Mine. Fuck, not mine. Whatever.
Taking a deep breath, I steel myself to rip off the goddamned band-aid. “You’re not going back there. To the club, I mean.”
That gets her attention. Her head snaps up and her eyes flare with indignance. Her mouth opens, then snaps shut before she narrows her eyes at me and the look is so cold it almost makes me squirm in my seat. Almost .
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me, Stardust . I don’t want you going back to that club where that fuckhead thinks he can put his dirty hands on you, let alone anyone else. Not in my fucking lifetime.”
She scoffs, “Are you fucking serious right now?”
“As the goddamned plague,”
“Creed! I need that job, you—you can’t just barge into my life and start telling me what I can and can’t do! Jesus, I’m not a goddamned child anymore.” She spits at me.
Ain’t that the fuckin’ truth?
Before I can stop and think, the words are spilling out of my mouth as I shoot to my feet. “Clearly someone needs to! Working in a shady strip club? Living in a fucking motel in a shitty part of north county? Yeah, I’ll let you go, because you’ve done a fan-fuckin’-tastic job taking care of yourself so far, huh?!” I shout back at her and she rears back as if I’d slapped her. I feel the color drain from my face at the same time the color in hers rises in hurt and anger, because I know I shouldn’t have said what I did .
“ Creed,” Riley’s voice is a soft but curt warning, knowing I fucked up.
Tears well up in her eyes and it feels as if I’d been sucker punched in the gut. “I’m so sorry.” I blurt, swiping both hands through my hair, gripping the roots tight before pulling them down my face. “ Fuck , Collins, I’m sorr?—”
My words are cut off and my cheek stings at the hard slap Collins just delivered to the side of my face. I don’t dare try to rub at the spot because I deserved that hit.
“Fuck you, Creed.” The words are nothing short of a whisper before she shoves away from the table, storming out of the room. I move to follow her but Riley stands and places his broad palm on my chest, stopping me.
“Hang on, man.” He says softly.
The back door opens, then slams shut a second later. “She can’t leave—” I panic, but Riley is quick to ease.
“She’s not leaving. Unless she can climb the ten-foot wall around the property with her bare hands and feet, she’s not going anywhere. Besides,” he lifts his phone in his hand, gesturing to the screen, “I’ll get a notification if she crosses the perimeter of the security system. Just let her cool off outside for a few and you talk to me .”
I exhale a slow breath through my nose, trying to resurface from the massive wave of guilt that just crashed over me, feeling like a piece of shit for the way I just snapped at Collins.
Riley raps his knuckles against the table rhythmically a few times before meeting my eyes. “Tell me what’s going on, Creed.”
“She can’t go back there,” I start.
“Yeah, no, I got that,” He deadpans. “Let’s go back a little further, why are you acting this way with her? I gathered enough to know she’s important to you in some way from the letters you have saved, but that’s as far as my knowledge of the situation goes.”
I nod gathering my thoughts for a second. Then I take a deep breath and just start talking. “So you know she’s Asher’s little sister, yeah?” he nods. “She’s actually his half-sister, so they share the same mom. Asher was nine when she had Collins, all shortly after meeting her prick of a father. They never married. I’ve known Collins since she was born. Unfortunately, she and Asher didn’t have the greatest home life. It’s not like their parents were absent like mine. No, they stuck around only to constantly fight in front of them, some of them more than just verbal arguments. Asher was old enough to leave the house when shit would hit the fan, but Collins was just a little kid caught in the middle. At first, Asher and I had shit to do after school so she’d be home alone a lot and we didn’t think much of it because she was always smiling and happy when we’d come home.
“One day our junior year, I’d waited around after school to give Ash a ride home from baseball practice. We got to his house and his stepdad was MIA, and his mom was passed out cold in bed from snorting Xanax. We looked everywhere but couldn’t find Collins and we started to panic. We were about to call the police but then Asher found her passed out in the back of her closet one day. Locked herself in there to try and escape her dad’s wrath and it fucking broke my heart. Here was this little girl curled up in a fucking tiny ball in the bottom of her closet, sleeping with my hoodie cuddled to her chest and Asher’s old mp3 playing David Bowie on repeat, all because the man who was supposed to protect her had struck fear into her heart. She’s not my sister, and it honestly never felt that way, but I felt—still feel—protective of her all the same. Back then I felt like a secondary guardian to Asher. I felt this strong need to wrap her up and keep her as safe as possible, and help my best friend shield her from the shitty home life she was dealt. After that day, Ash and I sat down, mapped out, and rearranged our after-school schedules the best we could so that we could keep her with us as much as possible.
“Every day since then, Collins went everywhere with us. Whether it was sitting in the bleachers or in the dugout during Asher’s baseball practices, hanging out on the dusty couch in my dad’s garage while we played, or even going with us to high school parties, she was there.”
Riley’s eyes widen and opens his mouth with what I’m sure is a what the fuck comment but I hold up a hand to silence his argument. “I know. We were young, dumb, and horny teenagers. I know those parties were not our finest moments in caring for Collins.” I sigh, staring at the same pattern on top of the table as I continue, “The last party we attended together, it was the biggest party of the year for all the seniors who were graduating from East Stutton High. The plan was to bring her with us and trade off watching her because we both had girls we were going to meet up with. Collins tried to tell us she’d be okay staying home even though her dad was God-knows-where, and her mom was yet again over-drugged on prescription meds. She was so different back then. Collins was…so pure-hearted. A fucking peacekeeper. Always willing to sacrifice her own happiness and well-being if it meant someone else got to feel the joy she always craved.” I force the words past the lump in my throat, lowering my head to where my fingers are clenched together on top of the table.
When I look back up, Riley is watching me intently, but I don’t see any judgment in his eyes. He just sits there, patiently waiting, his dark gaze urging me to continue speaking.
“Anyway,” I clear my throat, “that final party? Neither Asher nor I were thinking with our heads that night and she ended up sitting alone at a bonfire in the woods behind Bear’s house.”
“Wait, Bear?” he questions. “Like, our friend and bandmate, Bear?” I nod in conformation but he continues “You fucking lost her in the woods? Creed!”
“Yeah, but obviously she didn’t stay lost because—” I wave my arms dramatically in the direction in which she disappeared before jabbing a finger in Riley’s direction. “And don’t you fucking yell at me!”
Riley swallows but sits silently, not knowing how to react to my yelling at him. I never yell at Riley and now I feel like an even bigger ass. I palm the back of his neck and bring his forehead to mind as I mutter, “I’m sorry.”
“Thank you,” he says as he pulls back and sits down at the table again. “Please continue. ”
I sit next to him. “Like I said, losing her was partially my fault and that’s kind of the point I’m trying to make here.”
“Okay, well, Bear’s reaction makes more sense now. He looked like he’d seen a fucking ghost when we left the club last night.”
“Yeah, and he’s the one who found her in the woods that night. Ripped us some new assholes and then some for our irresponsibility. We both felt sick over the whole fucking ordeal. The next day, we’d promised Collins that we’d never leave her side again, not taking into account just how badly that lie would affect her in the long run. So before we left, Asher and I each gave a gift to Collins. Something that would help her to feel more connected to us while we were away. I gave her my old Polaroid camera and Asher gave her this huge fucking stationary set so she could write to us while we were gone.” I pause, biting my lip. “That was how she communicated with us for eight years.”
“So all of those letters,” he says, gesturing upstairs.
“Yep. All from her. From the time she was nine or ten, and the last one she sent just before her eighteenth birthday.”
I get up from the table and walk through the entryway to the kitchen and look out the window over the sink at Collins who is sitting with her back facing us, her feet dangling into the pool. The early afternoon sun is peeking out from behind a cloud and it illuminates her nearly white blonde hair, making her look like something not of this world. I turn to see that Riley followed me into the kitchen and is also watching her. His eyes give nothing away to his emotions though. He just looks like his usual peace-loving self.
“So, two years ago when you had that major breakdown…was it related to her?” he nods towards the girl in question who is currently swirling her legs through the water.
I nod and heave a long, heavy breath, giving her one last look before turning back to Riley. I need to give him the last pieces of my side of the story so he fully understands where I’m coming from with this whole situation. Collins can tell him her side of things if she ever feels the need to share .
“Those letters were a blessing and a curse, because she spared no details of her life from the time Ash and I left for California. Some letters were happy, telling me about how her mom would take her to the library or to get ice cream when she was having the rare, good day, or about how she won her fifth grade spelling bee. Others were…not so great. The joy she shared diminished with each letter she sent. There were times that she would vent about feeling the need to hide in the closet and listen to music until her parents would stop fighting again. When I felt her spirit was breaking with those letters, I started to write her back, hoping it would help to make her day a little better, or give her something to look forward to.”
I drop my head down, my chin nearly resting on my chest and let the memory from what seems like a lifetime ago wash over me as I recount it to Riley.
“Right after you joined us, I got a call one night from a social worker informing me that Collins’ mom died from an overdose and her dad was yet again MIA. They were searching for next of kin to take her in and since Asher was…unavailable at the time, they’d called me because he had me listed as family in her medical charts. I was barely twenty and our band had just signed for its longest tour in the U.S., and I didn’t see how I’d be able to take her along with me like I used to, since she’d need school and care that I couldn’t give her with my lifestyle at the time. I was still young, dumb, and buried between a different set of legs almost every fucking night because I also had no morals.”
I raise my hands and dig the heel of my palms into my eyes, rubbing at them like it’ll help wipe away my memory of that day. My breathing is shaky as the emotions I felt that night come flooding back all these years later. I stalk out of the kitchen and into the dining room, farther from Collins. Riley is hot on my heels, following me quietly, his movements around me cautious. Probably waiting for me to finally snap. Well, he won’t have to wait long. “I—I told them no, Riley. I told the social worker that I didn’t want her. That I couldn’t care for her. I was all she fucking had left at the time and I let her go into the system, Ri! The same fucking foster care system that failed to give her a loving, stable, safe space to just be a kid!”
I shove one of the chairs so hard that it jolts against the table before it tips sideways, clattering hard against the tiled floor. I beat my open palms against my chest as I continue to yell because now I’m fucking pissed at myself and I can’t seem to stop. “ I fucking failed her years ago, over and over and over again! And I’ve been fucking failing her ever since. Even now, Collins is outside— alone— nursing wounds that I inflicted with my words because I just can’t stop fucking up! Goddamnit !”
Now I’m seeing red, my vision darkening with the sudden need to release all this pent up frustration and anger as I whirl around with my fist cocked, ready to plow it through the wall. Before I can even swing, I feel two hands grip my biceps, holding me in place.
“Creed, stop. Please .” Riley’s soft-spoken voice washes over me like cool water on a burn. I’ve worked myself up so much that I’m physically shaking now. His grip tightens a fraction, the pressure grounding me a little more. “Turn around.” The command is quiet yet firm, but I shake my head and squeeze my eyes shut. I don’t have breakdowns. Ever. It’s extremely cliché to say it’s because I’m a fucking grown man, because that’s the fucking base of the truth. But the events of the last twelve hours have threatened to turn me and my emotions inside out and now I’ve had not one, but two goddamned breakdowns in the span of a day.
I hear Riley’s footsteps shuffle around until I feel him standing in front of me. I startle when his warm, calloused hand grips the back of my neck, the move so similar to how I grab Riley to calm him down or comfort him all the time before he speaks. “Look at me, Creed.”
After a stubborn moment of hesitation, I do. His dark, soulful gaze holds mine so firmly, “You didn’t fail her—” he starts to tell me and I try to jerk from his grip to shake my head and deny his claim, but he squeezes the back of my neck lightly, keeping me in place. “You didn’t. Fucking. Fail her. Like you said, you were barely out of your teenage years when you were contacted. You were traveling. Touring. Collins being surrounded by a bunch of strange, adolescent men with no other kids, living a life on a traveling bus and being left alone for several hours for rehearsals, recordings, and concerts? That wouldn’t have been able to provide a stable environment for her. You made the right decision for you. You couldn’t have known what her life would be like.”
What he’s saying makes sense. In my mind’s eye, I know he’s right. I know with me living the life I was, and Asher being in rehab, neither one of us could’ve given her a stable environment. But I know the shit she went through while bouncing from foster home to foster home. The way she suffered for years while I refused to step up and help her. I won’t tell this to Riley because I’ve shamed myself enough already.
“Besides, she’s here now. Aside from her job and her living quarters, she’s alive and she seems pretty damn healthy. So count that blessing rather than trying to piss all over it by beating yourself up over a past you can’t change.”
“Yeah, you’re right.” I acquiesce.
“I’m sorry, what was that?” He says, his voice oozing with playful sarcasm as he cups his ear, tilting his head toward me.
“I said you’re right, okay, jackass?” I shove him playfully in the shoulder before pulling him back in for a hug. I kiss his temple as a murmur into his freckles, “Thanks, Ri.”
“You’re welcome.”
Feeling some of the weight lifted from my shoulders, I open my mouth to suggest going to apologize to Collins when my phone buzzes with a text. Riley takes a step back as I fish my phone from my pocket and I see that it's Steve, our band manager.
PISS ANT: Emerg. Zoom Meeting. Now.
PISS ANT: link attached
I groan out loud. I do not need his added bullshit today .
“What? Who is it?” Riley asks, shifting to my side. I show him my phone as he leans over to read the message on my screen.
“Fuck, what does he want?” he grumbles, taking a step back.
“No idea, but I’m so fucking tired, I’m half-tempted to ignore the fucker. I’m so sick of his shit lately. I’m just telling you right now, if he wants us to attend some interview, the answer is an immediate no.”
“No kidding.” He sighs, gripping the back of his neck with one hand. He swipes his phone off the table, backing out of the breakfast nook. “Why don’t you head to the studio and pull up the zoom meeting, I’ll go check on Collins and I’ll join you in a second.” he says, disappearing around the corner.
“I’ll see you in a second.” I say as I pick up the chair I knocked over earlier and turn to head down the hall to see what our manager could possibly want from us already.