Chapter 45
Chapter Forty-Five
Parker (Spider)
One day. Cassie's been home for only one day and we're all an emotional fucking mess.
Thankfully the threat to our club is eliminated, and we have the brothers to handle things around the property while we settle in with Cassie. Even though she's adamant we can go to our few meetings a day and help around the compound like we normally would, I see the worry she tries to hide.
Unfortunately, I'm not wise enough to know what exactly she's struggling with. It could be a whole slew of things. Be it Ripley's catatonic disposition, our hovering, the trauma she's wrestling with, or her inability to get more than an hour of sleep at a time.
My assumptions about what it would be like when we got her home and healing were wrong. So wrong it's left me off-kilter and restless. I had a plan for her tears, but they haven't come.
"Hey," Maddox mumbles, seating himself beside me.
The night is thick with humidity, but sometimes a cool breeze comes through that offers refreshment. It's addicting, waiting for that small relief in the weight of Detroit summer. Similar to Ripley's emotions peeking through, or a sign that Cassie is ready to share her struggles with us.
Alas, she hides behind soft smiles and sleepy eyes.
Maddox nudges me and keeps his leg against mine. "What's got you scowling at Maree's rose bushes just before midnight?"
"How long do you have?" I grumble, tossing a pebble onto the sidewalk.
Maddox hums. "For you? Forever."
"You don't mean that," I scoff, my feelings of inadequacy and uncertainty slipping through before I can force them into submission. "Ignore me."
Another soft nudge, reminding me he's still here even after my pissy comment. "Tell me."
The throaty command does wonders to loosen my resolve. Sometimes I need his dominant side to coax me along.
"She's too...okay," I respond. "After everything she went through, her body struggling to heal each day, and her shoulder? Fuck Mads, she shouldn't be smiling."
His silence irks me. Or maybe it's those pesky insecurities that make me believe he's judging me. I would be. I sound like a whiny asshole who wants his woman to be upset. Fucking hell though, she was tortured for hours just five days ago.
"Why shouldn't she smile?"
Taken aback by his idiotic question, I lean away from him and glare.
"Do I need to remind you of the injuries she sustained?
How about the fact that she was severely traumatized less than a week ago?
Maddox, she was tortured, and she just fucking smiled at me not two hours ago because she caught me staring at her. "
Mads shifts, leaning his back against the railing of our porch. With one bare foot kicked up on the step between us and his arms leaning on his bent knee, a chill creeps in. Why did he move away?
"Different question. Why should she smile?"
I open my mouth ready to fire off all the reasons Cassie shouldn't be smiling, but it feels wrong to take any semblance of joy from her. "They're fake. She's hiding her feelings. Isn't that obvious?"
He hums, annoying me enough to feel a little too defensive for the quiet evening blanketing us in rocky peace. "I agree she's hiding some feelings, yes. But I vehemently disagree that she's faking her smiles."
Nope. Absolutely unlikely. How can he not see what's right in front of him?! "Less than a week ago she was dangling from fucking chains and slumped in her own piss and blood, Mads! No fucking smile should exist after that!"
She needs our help. Not someone tiptoeing around her because she's too afraid to face the shit that we got her into.
"So, how long should she wait to smile? How long will it take for it to be okay that she feels happiness? Or will it always be fake? Will she forever be a victim not a survivor? Even then, I'm pretty sure a victim can have a genuine smile."
The gulp that cramps my throat forces me to pause. It sounds fucked up when he says it like that.
Maddox isn't ready to pull his punches quite yet. "I don't think Cassie needs a crash course on trauma, but you do. When did it become unacceptable for someone who's gone through something awful to feel something positive?"
"I—"
Maddox sits forward, pinning me with the most serious stare I've ever seen. "I'm not finished."
Another gulp, this time accompanied by images of my mom living her best life. She went through the same thing Cassie did, for a longer stretch of time, yet she's the happiest, most loving person I've ever known.
"Do you remember the night we professed our love for Cassie? The story you told?"
"Do you remember that night in the kitchen?" I murmur, staring at the wall now. "You told me you were happy. That you were feeling like you were close to living your dream. Did you mean that?"
Gulping, Cassie fidgets, remembering that odd conversation."Yes. I meant it."
"Instead of asking about your dream, I told you about my nightmares." My chuckle is humorless. "And do you remember what you said?" She frowns, trying to recall the specifics, but I continue. "You flipped my script effortlessly. When I told you my greatest fear, you heard my dreams."
She had said, "Your dream, one of the things that matters most to you is ensuring your loved ones are safe and live full lives."
"Of course I responded like an ass, yet you wanted to know what makes me happy because your happiness confused me that night." God, I was awful.
She nods. "A foreign concept."
"The only thing that confused me that night was how in the hell you could feel any joy with me around.
But that's not the point. Come here," I whisper, leaning back against the headboard.
She doesn't hesitate to climb onto my lap and straddle my thighs.
"You see the light in the dark. I was an ass complaining about my nightmares, and you had me listing off all the things that make me happy in under a minute.
You're my sunshine. That was the moment I fell in love with you.
It was then followed by immense guilt because I sent you to your room. "
"You did do that..." she murmurs, playing with the collar of my black tank top. "I left because this is your home and your safe space."
Cradling her face in my palms so our noses are close together, I breathe her in. "And now, Sunshine, this is your home. Your safe space. Because ours is no longer within these walls. It's you."
"Our Starlight," I rasp, the meaning of it all hitting me square in the chest. My sunshine. "Fuck."
"I love you, Parker," Maddox whispers, adjusting and putting my forehead on his shoulder. "Every argument, fight, and disagreement we've had about our woman is in the past. But I'll always make damn sure you remember why you fell for her in the first place."
Pinching my eyes closed against the burn of emotion flooding my senses, I grab hold of him. "I just can't stop picturing her broken body. Most people wouldn't be smiling so soon after that."
Maddox grips my neck, grounding me. Guiding me.
"We might be surprised. The happiness of an individual after a traumatic experience doesn't invalidate any of it.
Not the laughter they find or the pain they suffered.
We just have to be there. To look deeper and help her heal while cherishing those gorgeous fucking smiles. "
I swallow a few times to get my wits about me before pushing back and staring deep into his eyes. "She's so fucking strong. I'm in absolute awe."
He smiles and presses his mouth to mine. Shit, when's the last time we kissed? Our groans are deep as our tongues touch and tangle. It's not a fight for dominance this time, but a reconnecting of two men who love each other through all the bad shit.
Words bubble up on my tongue that I never felt the need to say to Maddox until now.
With a hand firmly on his chest, I nudge him back and rest our foreheads together.
"I'm sorry, Mads. Sorry for all the times I encouraged us to push her away.
Sorry for wanting her to hate me so I could keep my head and heart buried in the sand.
I didn't help anything by being an ass, and I wish like hell I could go back to demand you bring her home. "
His shuddering breath almost makes my bottom lip tremble. "Me too, Parker. Me fucking too. I'm sorry for all the fighting and feeding you lies about her being unimportant. Your defense mechanisms latched onto my stupid fucking plan and I only made everything worse for everyone."
"We're a pretty fucked up coin, huh?" I huff a sad laugh.
He kisses me softly before saying, "Not with her around. She shines us up real nice."
Groaning, I pull away and scrub my hands down my face. "You know what's incredibly uncomfortable? I fucking miss her. I kissed her two fucking hours ago and tucked her into bed with Koa. She's right upstairs and I miss her."
"Come on then," Maddox chuckles and drags me to my feet, remembering to be slow to keep my leg from hurting.
As he pulls me through the house and up to our big bedroom, he admits, "I miss her even when I'm holding her just because I know what it's like to be without her. That's love in its purest form."
Cringing from that holy word, I shove him. "Ugh, maybe don't call me pure after I felt a man’s skull shatter in my hand a few days ago."
Another laugh tumbles from him. We went through something truly fucking horrific too, yet...we've kissed, laughed, and smiled since then too. I'll have to trust her.
"Let's check on them," Maddox says, pushing open our bedroom door.
A soft gasp alerts me that something's up first. Then the soft glow of Cassie's laptop lighting up her face comes next, drawing disapproving rumbles from both me and Maddox.
Rip is showering in the attached bathroom, and Koa snores against Cassie's leg. Naughty girl.
"Sweet girl, what did I tell you about getting a good night's sleep?" Maddox asks disapprovingly.
Her face twists, tugging on her cuts and bruises. "I didn't want to go to bed yet."
"Why not?" Maddox plucks the computer from her lap and sits beside her hip.
She runs her fingers through Koa's messy hair and avoids eye contact. Just when I think she won't tell us, my girl murmurs, "What if I have nightmares? What he did...It could be really bad if I fall asleep."
Our answer won't ever be foolproof, but I can do my damndest to be there for her.
"Then we'll fight the monsters off all night.
For however long it takes. But you will sleep," I command, crawling onto the mattress.
I cup her cheek and bring her lips to mine, taking care to be gentle with her swollen mouth.
"Sleep Cassie. We will watch over you," I rumble, helping her lay back into the pillows.
Her whispered, sleepy, "Yes, sir," is music to my ears. I'll always protect her dreams because they are what brought her to me.