Chapter 17 Benjamin
Benjamin
There have been several things that have left me speechless over the past week, and none of them compared to hearing Cielo rip into Penny and then my parents, Lorenzo too. It still doesn’t feel right giving him a parental title.
After our talk in his office, I had every intention of going to bed and sleeping until the next day.
Penny put pay to that by listening to music far too loud.
I was already leaning out my window to give her an earful when I watched Cielo walk over and switch off the music player.
I probably should have closed the window and minded my own business, but I was curious.
I couldn’t think of a reason for Cielo to speak with Penny.
I listened as Cielo calmly berated Penny.
My first instinct was to rush to her defence, but I was frozen, unable to utter a sound.
As soon as he finished, the world began to spin again, and I found myself rushing to the stairs with every intention of having some stern words of my own.
After all, I didn’t need him fighting my battles—battles I wasn’t convinced were necessary.
I mean, sure, Penny encouraged me to stop being dull and live a little, but it was my choice.
Granted, any time I tried to talk about how I was feeling, Penny shut the conversation down and shoved another drink in my hand, but it was me who chose to take it.
With Cielo’s added height, his pace was far beyond mine. I had to jog to catch up when I finally saw the direction he’d taken. I was wrong to guess he’d head back to his office. When I found him, he’d stepped into a beautiful building, fresh from renovation.
Once again, I stepped in, ready to have a row with him, but was pinned to the spot.
Cielo was standing by a table with my parents and Lorenzo.
His voice was more dangerous than it had been with Penny.
I listened to him again and was floored.
The man I’d called the Devil was fighting everyone… for me and my well-being.
The second he huffed out a frustrated breath, I knew he was about to turn and walk in my direction.
The adult in me said I should have stayed put and faced it head-on, but as evidenced by my recent behaviour, I was struggling with the concept of adulting as a whole.
So I tucked tail and rounded the corner of the building until I was sure he was gone and I could emerge unseen.
I ran straight into my parents, who still looked a little shell-shocked. And this is where I am now, standing in front of my parents without a clue how to approach what I just heard.
“Benjamin,” Mama squeaks. Her voice always gets high when she’s stressed.
“I heard him,” I reply, because I can’t lie to them.
Mum looks to the ground and nods to herself. It’s funny how people do that: nod to themselves or shake their heads. Why I’m contemplating that now, I don’t know, but it’s an interesting facet of human behaviour.
“Did you hear me, sweetheart?” Mum says.
I didn’t hear her because my brain hasn’t been able to linger on a single thought all day. It’s like a racecourse up there. Whichever thought pulls ahead is what I latch on to, whether it’s appropriate for the moment or not…just like now. I still haven’t answered her.
“Sorry, Mum, I was miles away. What did you say?”
She takes me by the shoulders. “I asked if you’d come and sit with us for a second.”
“Oh, sure, in there?” I ask, pointing to the restaurant.
“How about the bench under the olive tree?” Mama says. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know she doesn’t want me within a mile of alcohol.
Following close behind, I can’t help but cast a glance over at the villa. What is he doing now?
Sitting between my parents, I hold up my hand. “Before we start, please know I have recognised my pattern of behaviour and understand how destructive it is. I will have a drink, but only when I feel like it, and with food. I learned my lesson after last night.”
They take my hands and squeeze. “We know, honey. We trust your judgement. But we should have been more present. Cielo was right. We should have known better and stepped in earlier. We’re sorry, my love.” Mum is so sincere it almost breaks my heart.
“Your Mum’s right, pumpkin. It’s been a whirlwind of change and surprises. We shouldn’t have presumed you could cope with it all alone.”
“Thank you. I…I’m struggling. You know me. I like routine. My life is exactly as I want it, and this has effectively thrown a grenade in the centre of my world.”
Mum smooths my hair. “Tell us what you need, honey, and we’ll do everything in our power to help.”
What do I need? Time, I guess. Nothing I say or do changes the fact Lorenzo is my father or that I’m here.
“I need to process it. You’ve been spending a lot of time with Lorenzo. Is…is he nice?”
They exchange a look. “We wanted to know the man who made you, pumpkin. And we wanted to hear about your mother. Maybe that was wrong of us. After all, you should be the one finding these things out before us. I’m sorry, love.”
“We’re messing this up, huh, kid?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way. You guys are going through your own stuff. I get it.”
“But you come first, Benjamin. Always. If it’s making you uncomfortable, say the word and we’ll stick to the villa like hermits.”
I chuckle. “No, it’s fine. I…I think I should talk to Lorenzo. Maybe then I won’t feel so trapped in my head about it all, you know?”
“I think that’s a wise decision,” Mum says. “I know Lorenzo would like the opportunity. But you don’t owe it to him, so only do it if it’s what you really want.”
I nod. My mind goes to Cielo again and a small smile creeps its way to my face. “He shouted at Penny, too.” I giggle. “Cielo, that is.”
Mama sits back and laughs. “I think we all deserved it.”
“He’s not what I thought.” I didn’t mean to say that out loud.
“Hmm, in what way?” Mum is in therapist mode.
I shrug. “I thought he was horrible to begin with. Nothing but a criminal. A baddie.”
“And now?” Mama joins in with her soothing, lay-on-the-couch-and-tell-me-all-your-woes voice.
Another shrug. “He was mean in the beginning. I stand by that. But I think there’s more to him—to this place—than I realise. It’s not like it is in my books.”
“It never is, sweetie. But,” Mum sighs, “be mindful he is still a criminal, even if his attitude has changed. That goes for Lorenzo, too.”
“Mum’s right. We’re stuck here for the time being, and I think it is healthy for you to explore your past. But one day, hopefully not too long from now, all this will be over and we will go home. Lorenzo and Cielo will resume whatever it is they do. Maybe leaving a little space is wise.”
“We don’t want you to get hurt or put in danger, ever again, love,” Mum adds.
I know they’re right. My opinion of Cielo might have changed from when we met, but at the end of it all, he’s still a mob king, and Lorenzo is still the Don of a mob family.
We hug it out and I assure my parents they can leave me alone with my thoughts. My solitary pondering is soon interrupted by a fully clothed Penny. It’s going to be one of those days that will leave me emotionally drained. I can feel it.
“Hey, Ben,” she says quietly.
“Hey, Penny. You okay?”
She gives me a boop on the nose. “I just had my ass whooped by Cielo.”
I like that she never beats around the bush.
“Hmm, I heard.”
She plonks herself down next to me and wraps one of her arms around my shoulders. “Sorry, Benjamin. I’ve been a totally shit friend, haven’t I?”
“No, you haven’t.”
“Yeah, I have.” She pulls me closer. “Can I tell you something?”
I lay my head on her shoulder. “Always.”
“He’s right. About it all. I’m skating through life without a fucking clue. I’m really lost, Benjamin, and I don’t know how to deal with it or change anything, so I’ve just been repeating the same thing over and over.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I ask. I don’t turn to look at her because she wouldn’t cope with that kind of attention. The fact she’s finally opening up is enough.
“You’ve always had your shit together, Ben, even when we were kids. You knew what you wanted and went for it. I never had that clarity. I thought as I got older it would magically hit me—what I wanted out of life—but it never happened. I’m jealous of you, actually.”
Now I do turn and look at her. “What on earth are you talking about?”
She laughs and pulls me back until my head is back on her shoulder. “You’re content, Benjamin. You’ve made a life you’re happy with.”
“A boring life,” I mutter.
“No,” she begins, and I can feel her shaking her head, “I mean, yeah, you could do with getting out a little more, but nothing like I’ve been prattling on about.
You are a home bird. You love reading, and you’ve got great friends and a job that allows you to fulfil your passion.
You’ve never liked drinking and clubbing, and frankly, it’s shit. It’s the same people—the same drama.”
“So why do it?”
She flaps her lips as she lets out a big breath. “Because it’s what I know. Change is really fucking hard, and I wouldn’t know what to do, anyway.”
“We can figure it out, Penny. I’m here for you, just as much as you’ve always been for me. You don’t always have to be the protector.”
“I know. And after this shitshow is over, I promise I’ll ask for help. In the meantime, I need to know how you’re doing. Seriously.”
“I’m getting there. I’ve got stuff to work through, and I know I will.”
“Of course you will. Is Kevin okay?”
“I think so. Ugh, maybe I need to start being a better friend, too. If anyone should be traumatised, it’s him, but he’s spent his time making sure I’m okay.”
“I think we all need to do better. How about we go find him and spend some time talking. No alcohol.”
We stand up and hug each other. I needed this; the talk with my parents and Penny.
I might be tired with all the analysing and deep, thought-provoking conversation, but ignoring the issue isn’t for me.
I just needed Cielo to give me a kick up the bum, apparently, because as much as it was about him calling out the people in my life, he’s made me see I need to open up and let them in; ask for their help instead of waiting for it to be offered.
He also helped me see I need to step up my friendship game, too.
We drag Kevin out of bed and spend the rest of the day talking.
It’s not all heavy, but we end the day with a group hug and a promise to do better.
Penny and Kevin head to their rooms first. My mind is still on a fast track, so I tell them I’m going for a walk.
I have to promise them I’m not going to wander off again before they leave me alone.
The sky shines with thousands of stars as I slowly meander around the interior garden.
I don’t know a rose from a teapot, so I can’t admire the garden with the attention it deserves.
I just know the flowers look pretty. The crickets are chirping loudly and there is a light breeze. It really is a perfect night.
A thought enters my mind, and I don’t know what to make of it. As I’m standing here, enjoying the sights and sounds of Sicily, I think there is only one thing that could make it even better.
Cielo.
Yeah, I’m in trouble.