11. Caspyn
Chapter 11
Crouching behind one of the scrub brushes that grew near the lapping waves of the ocean, I watched the ferries pull in and out until the sun was kissing the end of the world and everything had turned gold and plum, the colors so close to that of a caspyn lily you would think you were looking into the center of one.
I had watched for hours as Tayln and his son pulled and heaved the heavy ropes in the heat of the day, switching back and forth from bank to Qit as they fought against the breaking of the waves, playing the same role I was sure their fathers and grandfathers had, that I was sure I had seen their sons and grandsons do before everything had gone to shit.
I wanted to be home. I needed to speak to Jayse, gather my supplies and make my way to the queen. I was trapped behind a bush seeing as I was covered in so much blood there would be no way I would not attract too many questions.
If I was going to Turin, if I was going to end the queen, now was the time I needed to become the invisible assassin I had spent all of those years training to be.
It was more important now that all of my lives were converging. I was running out of time, which made this wait even more excruciating.
Only when the sun was dipping behind the distant blue of the ocean, the Qits that lined the bay little more than black specks against nothing, did I emerge from the brush. I walked as quickly as I could, yet not so fast I would attract attention. I trusted Tayln, but after our last interaction I knew that was lying on one frayed thread. Thankfully, the man said nothing as I boarded the ferry and he flashed one bright light from his lantern in the distance to signal his son before we moved.
Ropes creaked, wood groaning as we hit the break, the heavy wakes crashing against us and covering everything in spray, sending us rocking back and forth. The motion was heavy, rough, but it was nothing compared to The Sway, compared to the rough water that had gone everywhere and coated me in blood.
Blood that no matter how hard I had scrubbed the vile stuff in the ocean, had remained.
“Someone came looking for you t’day,” Tayln said as soon as we cleared the breaks, the waves a gentle lull as he continued to pull us toward the Qit, the floating village a growing black mass against the expanse of stars that stretched through the sky, each spot reflected in the dark waves like an eternal mirror.
I barely moved, but neither did he. His focus remained forward as he heaved again and again, ropes creaking louder the closer we came to the Qit.
“Who?” I finally asked, suddenly aware my voice was still smothered with the sound of death that usually followed me everywhere but my home.
Tayln didn’t even shift, as though he knew the darkness I carried all along.
“Not good ‘uns by the look of' em,” he sighed, the steady gate of his pulling slowing. “I take it they found you already?”
Still, he did not turn, he stared forward, both of us watching as the low glow of the lanterns that lined the windows and streets of our home popped into the pitch like stars as we neared the dock.
“Perhaps some of them.” I stood as the ferry gave one last rock as we arrived at the Qit. “There might be more.”
I could barely make out the tight lines of his face as he finally faced me, those eyes full of sorrow and fear.
“Caspyn–” he began, but I put my hand up, my palm flat as I willed my magic to stay settled and calm inside of me. This man was not the enemy, even if he was looking as though he might be.
I had known I was out of time, now it was just more obvious. I would kill the queen, I would be done, perhaps I could have a life after all of that. But to make any of that possible I needed to protect what I had.
“I was thinking about what you said.” That darkness still hadn’t left my voice. “About Jayse. About being done. I think you might be right.”
I didn’t give him a chance to answer before I jumped from the ferry, everything swaying as I walked away from him and down the winding wooden path toward home. The sound of my boots against the damp wood was the only sound as I moved over swaying boardwalks. Through the winding narrow alleyways where my sister and I used to run, and then later where Jayse and I would hide and steal scraps of food, find anything we could to sell to survive.
There was sadness everywhere; sadness in the armies that haunted the world I had come from, and sadness in the hunger and cold of this one. But in both worlds, there had always been joy. Joy in Lily and a family who gave up everything to protect me. Joy in a friend who stayed by my side, even when she knew so much about what I had become.
What I was.
Every step I took further from The Sway I had thought of those moments, of Jayse, and why exactly I had kept her far away from the walls I had placed around me.
Walls I wasn’t quite sure I was ready to topple.
But perhaps Tayln was right. Perhaps it was worth it.
A lone lantern flickered in the window of our home, illuminating the single room in the back that was attached to the tiny shop. The back door swung open and hinges creaked familiarly, my heavy steps a bang in the silence as I stumbled into the room. Her sharp intake of breath consumed the void.
“It’s me.”
“Caspyn?” Even she didn’t recognize me, the dark growl of the monster I hid was something I had usually shed by now.
Her eyes were wide as she stepped around the partition, the look turning to true terror when she saw me, saw the blood that clung to my leather tunic, soaked into my breaches, streaked over my cloak and face. For a moment she looked as though she was going to rush to me, but then she stepped back, her eyes dragging over everything as though for the first time she realized exactly what was hiding inside of me.
She had always known, but perhaps now she understood.
“What happened?” I didn’t miss the slight shake in her voice.
“Come with me,” I groaned, grabbing her hand before she could retreat and pulling her after me, right back out the door. Thankfully, even for all the fear and uncertainty on her face, she didn’t shy away. She held my hand tightly, each of her steps confident as we weaved through the darkened alleys, everything swaying around us.
She didn’t even ask where we were going. She trusted me, she was the only one who did.
I needed to wash, and the docks would be too full of Wave Walkers not to go unnoticed. Luckily, I knew a place. It didn’t take her long before she realized where, exactly, I was going.
“You do know we won’t fit under the Qit anymore, right? We outgrew that space before you turned fourteen.” She was right of course; it was about then we realized we needed to start saving for our own place. It was about then that other things had happened, too. I realized I could make money by using my power in a different way than to steal bangles and pocket books from passersby’s.
“I know,” I said, that hard edge leaving as we reached the edge of the Qit, the waves lapping against the edge of the city. This part of the Qit was empty, the silence stretching out into the night as we stood, her hand still in mine as we faced the rising moon. The orb of gold-flecked silver rose slowly, kissing the edge of the world. Its gentle touch caressed the waves that reflected the silver glow of moon and stars so we faced only the inky nothing, the spots of silver and white twinkling far away. So far I could never hope to reach it, to capture it, no matter how familiar it was. It was as though I was touching another world I would never get to return to, even if I did save it.
“Yersua figured out I killed his brother.” The air rippled around Jayse as she stiffened, her red hair glinting in the moonlight as she turned to me, her grey eyes wide.
“I can’t kill Fae anymore, Jayse. I doubt I can take any more jobs after this, either.” Saying it tugged painfully at something deep inside of me, something I hadn’t expected. It was a burn like the fire I held deep inside, with all of that darkness where all the pain and anger lived. The burn was so hot it was akin to the ice that lived right beside it. The burn boiled and ground against my chest, as though I was losing something greater than all of that.
But not yet.
Not yet.
Jayse’s hand tightened around mine and she exhaled with a sound as though she had been holding the wind in her mouth.
“Finally,” the word was full of relief and I turned, her eyes bright. My jaw tightened in confusion.
“Finally?” I would have dropped her hand if she wasn’t holding on to it so tightly.
“Yes, finally,” she laughed, the sound light and sweet as the Qit rocked, the stars dancing alongside the song of her joy. “Did you expect me to be mad? I would never be mad for you to be done with that life. If you are worried about the money, don’t be, the shops’ been bringing in enough for us to live by for years. We won’t be wealthy, but we don’t need to be. We’ve always had enough, even when we had nothing.”
She was smiling, her eyes dancing alongside the stars. She squeezed my hand again, my jaw relaxing for the first time in what felt like days.
“I am glad you are alive though,” she finished, her free hand wrapping around my other as she pulled me to face her, both of us standing there at the edge of the world. The sea breeze whipped around us, pulling her hair around her as my curls brushed against my chin, my cloak whipping into the black nothing that surrounded us.
“So, am I,” I whispered, forcing the words out. Surprised at how soft they were, at how that darkness had left.
“Besides, you have avenged him enough.” Her hands entwined with mine, the stars reflecting in her eyes as tears filled them, memories dancing between us. That burn in my chest twisted into something toxic as I realized exactly what she was talking about.
About why she thought I killed as much as I did.
All of the peace I had found vanished quicker than it came, the tension winding through my shoulders again. I had thought she understood, but it almost seemed as though she didn’t understand at all.
“Jack.” The grind in my voice had returned, but this time she didn’t seem to mind.
“You killed that wicked man after he burned my brother, and you have ended every other person who worked in that child slavery ring. You ended them. You did that for me, and for Jack. Yersua was the last piece of that. You avenged him, Caspyn. Jack didn’t die for nothing. You’ve done enough.”
Jack. Jack.
Every time she said his name it was like something stabbed into that blackest pit of my soul. Chipping away at the lie I had fed her.
Her brother. That brave, frightened boy I had met on the very first day. He had been taken by Yersua’s brother, that was true. It was because of what that man had done to Jack that I had killed him. But it wasn’t Yersua’s brother who had killed Jack. It wasn’t the brother’s time I had taken to end him.
It was Jack’s.
It was me.
In my attempt to save Jack, my magic had exploded, and it had taken everything from that little boy who had risked so much, who had never known warmth and a full belly. I had tried to save him, but I didn’t have control of my magic then and I had sucked every inch of his life from him instead.
I was the monster.
Jack’s death sent me back to forty years before, when the current Ramal was a child. I spent the years training, fighting, killing. I wasted no moment in my preparation to kill the man who had hurt that little boy, to face the queen. It was Jack’s death that led me down that path to understand this power, going so far as Izyare to try to find answers from the silver tongued witches there. They were known for spells and curses, perhaps they knew something.
The only thing I learned was never to trust a witch.
Jayse didn’t know why Jack had died as he did; Jayse didn’t know anything. I should have told her, but after I saw her crying and screaming besides the shriveled burned remains of her brother. I couldn't. Not when I knew that pain, knew that loss.
We had cried together. We had built our bond from that.
A bond that was broken from the beginning.
I had always kept her at arm's reach to protect her. To keep her safe from what I was. For a fleeting moment I had thought that perhaps I could have her, could lean into whatever it was between us. I had thought I could build a life with her.
But so much of it was a lie, so much time had passed, so many lives I had nearly forgotten. It may only be ten years for Jayse, but I had lived nearly seven times that in the same time. So many lives. So many lies.
The truth hit me as hard and as fresh as it did the first time when I looked into her eyes, when I watched those tears drip like starlight down her face.
I cared for her. But could I have her if I needed to protect her.
“You’ve done enough.” She repeated again, the words nailing darkness into my soul again.
I couldn’t look at those eyes, at the sadness, and the lies that dripped between us. But I couldn’t leave her either.
Pulling her into me, I pressed her against me, her arms wrapping around me as the moon continued to rise, the orb of silver a halo over her. Over every part of her goodness. Over everything I could never be.
The monster inside of me wouldn’t let me be.
“I haven’t done everything yet,” I said, her arms tightening around me, her body tensing as though she knew what was coming.
She did, because it had been my sole focus for so long.
Because it was the one thing I truly needed to do.
I had spent those years training not just to avenge Jack, but to end the queen, after all. I had even spent years looking for her when she would have been a child. As dark as it was, ending her before her power had matured would have stopped so much heartache, but I never found her. In decades of searching royal houses, in searching Qits and villages, and even serving the young Ramal at court I never found the young Dalyah.
Then, one day she was there.
Everyone had assumed the future Ramal to marry a fine lady from the distant Kingdom of Tyral, the kingdom of salt; he had been courting her for years, after all. When the announcement was made, however, it was not the lady of the Kingdom of Tyral, but Dalyah, an unknown court lady who had never been mentioned or seen before.
It was as though she appeared from nothing but air and snagged the future Ramal overnight.
“I have one more job I must do,” I continued before Jayse could fight me, keeping her against me, even as she leaned back. She stood a head shorter than I, those wide eyes staring. Her hair twisted over her face, her heart rattling from where she was pressed against me as I pushed the long strands out of the way.
I braced to tell her, for her reaction, but she already knew what I was about to do.
“No, Caspyn. It’s too dangerous.”
“Not for me,” I lied, holding her as close to me as I could. “One job, Jayse, and then I will be home. Then we can start a life together.”
I wasn’t sure if that was another lie, or simply a hope I wasn’t ready to face. My heart clenched at saying them, my muscles tightening even as she gasped in shock, the sound sharp against the waves. Against the world I still needed to save.
“Just stay, Caspyn. We can do that now... You don’t need to…” Her warm hands pressed against my jaw, as though with one touch she could keep me there.
It only added to the weight that was winding through my bones.
I shook my head, darkness creeping itself back in as I closed my hand around hers, pressing soft kisses along her knuckles.
“I do,” I whispered against her skin between the kisses that were like light against the dark inside of me. “For you… for us to have a life, I must.”
How I wished I could explain what that all meant, what would be waiting for us if I failed. What was coming ever closer. Not just for her, but for us all.
She had no magic, so she might be safe, but even without magic the world that waited for her was not one I ever wanted to see again. Even if it meant I never found a way back to my sister, even if it meant I died trying.
I had always accepted that fate.
Thankfully, she nodded her head, rising on her tiptoes as I pressed her against me, those eyes bright in stars and moonlight and a world that until this moment I never thought I could have.
I never dared to think I could keep.
“I trust you, Caspyn. Just come home to me.”
The weight on my spine grew into a pressure that was hard to breathe through, but I pushed it away. I could have her. I could have this one good thing.
I kept repeating it, forcing the words to settle in my soul.
Ignoring the weight that was quickly becoming a pain, I leaned in and kissed her, her lips warm and wet and devouring even though part of me was cracking. I could be good, I could deserve goodness. I could deserve her. I could keep her. So much had already unwound in the web I had surrounded myself with, but perhaps this I could have.
Even though part of me still screamed it wasn’t possible. That something was missing. That this end was not the end I was fighting for.
Perhaps when I ended the queen, if I survived to see the other side I would find that piece. I would understand how to be good, truly good, and I could have this beautiful woman. Perhaps I could build a life.
A life, and a love, I didn’t dare to believe this world would let me have.
But somehow, right then, I wanted to take that risk. Jayse had always been worth that, hadn’t she? I had simply been too scared to lose someone else to try.
I kissed her again, savoring every touch and taste and feel of her, if only to take it with me for what I knew was coming.
If only to leave me with a tiny bit of good.
Even if I didn’t deserve it.