38. Elara
Chapter 38
Aservant brought us a small platter of bread and cheese after all the tents had been erected, the massive canvas shelters glowing in spots of color over the field that had been chosen for us to make camp in. There were so many, the dull glow of color extending far beyond what I could see out of the tiny window of the carriage. Far more people were on this pilgrimage than I had expected. Either that, or all the Lords and Ladies and their finery needed tents the size of the small houses I had seen through the journey.
I hadn’t been outside of the walls of the Runturin since before my Catalyst died, and I didn’t remember much beyond the expansive prairies and forests; beyond the way the sea would sparkle in the sunset, the dark spots of the Qits floating far away against the horizon.
It was those pops of memory that had fueled my memorization of maps and the dream of escape, but now that I was on the other side of the wall, staring at extravagant tents and gold inlaid carriages and the endless forests and winding roads it all seemed too big, too impossible.
I shifted my weight against the side of the carriage, peering out the small window as I gave the Boy space to eat his cheese behind me. It was hard not to be awed at the beauty of the colors of the tents.
You could tell which tents had a fíra wielder, the color of their lanterns all jewel bright and flickering. It was a garden of color, of magic.
It almost took the bite off the chill that was starting to seep into the wagon. It hadn’t escaped my notice that we had been given the scraps of the servant’s dinner, or that we had not been given any blankets.
I had never been so happy for the layers and layers of fabric I was wearing right then. Worst case I would rip off some of these ludicrous petticoats and make a quilt or something for the Boy and I.
As it was, I pulled my cloak tighter around me, still watching the glowing tents, even as some of the lights began to extinguish. The tent in the center was still glowing gold, however, my mother, father and Batian all tucked in tight as the gilded light of the Ramal made the tent a beacon for them all.
They were so far away, they weren’t even watching us.
I wasn’t even sure they remembered we were there.
They just sat there, surrounded by the light of Batian’s magic. Magic I knew I had.
I placed my hand on the glass, the only sound my slow breaths and the buzz of crickets that had taken refuge below the carriage. Staring at the lingering lights of the camp, I focused on the trill of energy underneath my skin that seemed to swell and lull in time with the crickets song.
With each pulse I pulled at that power, letting it flow through me to my fingers, same as I had seen Batian do so many times before. I inhaled, feeling the buzz of it everywhere before I exhaled, trying to get that vibrating warmth to move to my fingers the same way the Boy had showed me in the training pit. The same as I had seen when I had run to the kitchens.
The power was in me, I just had to help it out. I had to find a way to control it.
Inhale, exhale, push.
Inhale, exhale, push.
Inhale, exhale… my finger sparked, white lights blazing from the tips of each finger and I jumped, sparks darting everywhere in the carriage before they fell to nothing.
“Goddess’ knickers!” I squealed and jumped back, right into the frame of the Boy who had been sitting behind me.
He made a noise of panic, rushing to face me as he hastily reattached his shroud and gestured a question in panic.
‘Alright?’
“Yes, yes,” I nodded my head vigorously, hair bobbing around my face as I watched the spot where the sparks had grown. “I was just trying to get my magic to work.”
I held my hand up as though the lights would still be there as proof. There was nothing.
“I want to be able to control it.” He nodded in response, sliding into the seat opposite from me, his gloved hands were wide as he gestured to me, then to his hand, then made the same motion he had in the training pit.
‘Show me.’
“There isn’t much to show. I thought I produced light during the Pankreatin, but I’m not sure. It feels as though something is stopping me.” I pushed my hand out again, once again waiting for the magic to spark. The motion was something used more in combat training, but it didn’t matter, no magic flared anyway.
The Boy shifted forward in his seat, grabbing my hand as I pressed it forward. His touch was gentle beneath the leathers as he turned my hand, my palm up as he ran a gloved finger from the other hand from my fingertip to my wrist.
“The bracelet is there,” I whispered, knowing what he was asking even if the softness of his touch was making my head spin. I forced myself to breathe normally.
He nodded, holding up his hand and lifting one finger after another, the pace slow enough that I knew at once what he was listing.
“Fíra, w?der, vio, ?r, let.” He nodded along with me as I spoke, then again placed those fingers down one right after another, tapping against my collar bone. “They are all in me.”
Another nod. That we knew, but I still leaned forward, staring at him eagerly. He had known how to get my magic out before, I knew he would know now, although how he knew… he had always paid more attention to the magic training when we spied on the accolades. I had been focused on the fighting.
The Boy placed his palm flat against my chest again before pulling back and lifting only one finger, the thumb. I knew exactly what he was saying.
“Focus on let.” I don’t know why that scared me so much, or made it seem more impossible. The Boy, however, was nodding vigorously enough that he clearly had far too much confidence in my skills.
The Boy's breaths evened out as he pushed the hem of my sleeve back, revealing the intricate braided hair band. The Boy ran his finger over it, before putting his hand to my heart then moving his hand down from my collar bone to the bracelet.
I just blinked at him, usually I was fairly good at deciphering what he was trying to say, but even after he repeated the motion a few times I was still lost. My eyes darted from the now dark window, and back to him before I scooted forward, his hand still holding mine as I leaned in close to the black shroud, to the face that I was sure was becoming clearer every day, even if I could see nothing.
“Say it quietly,” I whispered to him and he stiffened, leaning back even if his hand didn’t leave mine.
His touch was still soft, his breathing even through the shroud, even as mine picked up.
“Please.” The word was barely more of a gasp as I leaned closer, my lips pressing together as my face moved even with his, the face I could not see clear in my mind.
The Boy exhaled with a shake, the gloved hand that held mine tightening as he pulled back, that free hand coming to rest against my heart again.
“Your magic is here. Push it here.” The depth of his voice rumbled through me and I shivered, the shiver growing as his motions slowed and that gloved hand journeyed down my arm toward my hand. Each snag of the leather against fabric sending trills of energy over every inch of me, heat flooding in all of the forbidden places. “Use the bracelet as a conduit. It has its own power, let it guide you.”
I swallowed, his words quickly becoming a jumbled mess in my head as my heart rate accelerated. I wasn’t sure I understood his words more than his actions.
“You are powerful, Elara. It’s time we find your strength.” I swore I could see him smile behind that shroud as he spoke, leaning in with his hand on my heart. “Find your magic.”
I stared at him for only a moment too long before he cleared his throat, and I forced myself to swallow. When did my mouth get so dry?
Nodding, I did as he asked and breathed in, the chirp of the crickets rising to a swell. I pulled all of that buzzing energy right to my heart, right to where his hand laid against me.
“Let it find its way out, let it find the conduit,” he whispered as he moved his hand down, the soft touch seeming to pull all of that power as though it was on a string, taking it right down to that bracelet, to the palm where he cradled a glowing orb of light.
Again, I shrieked and jumped as the ball swelled into an orb of golden luminance that expanded out as though in a silent explosion. The glow surrounded the carriage and made everything as bright as day before it faded, leaving us in darkness.
“I did it!” I gasped, resisting the urge to jump up and down and send everything rocking. “I did it!”
I turned to the Boy, who sat there unmoving. I could just imagine the grin behind that shroud as he turned to me.
“Thank you!” I whispered, ready to rush him, but he only held up his hands, bobbing his head in welcome.
“How do you know all this, anyway?” I asked, still whispering as I sunk into the seat beside him. “Is it because of Fa–” He slammed his hand over my mouth so fast that the coach rocked violently. The shroud shook as he peered around me to out the window. I tried to turn, but he held me there, his breathing coming in sharp spurts as we waited.
Then, without warning, his hand dropped and he slid away from me as though there was something seeping from me he was afraid of catching.
Turning, I saw nothing out the window, nothing but darkness and a few looming shapes of tents that I could only see because they cut into the stars.
There was nothing.
“Boy?” I asked, his head already shaking in answer, his voice silenced again.
I don’t know why, but that seemed to suck the air from the world and I sunk further into my seat, the carriage rocking slightly.
“I won’t tell,” I whispered, leaning in again, this time he shied away, shaking his head. “I won’t tell her you spoke, or that I know… about that. I won’t let her hurt you, or your mother.”
I said the words without thinking, the promise born of a hope that I could never deliver. I could have sworn I heard the scoff of disbelief as he shook his head, leaning even further back into the seat. It looked as though he was trying to move into it. He didn’t need to say anything for me to understand the regret that was there.
He shook his head, holding up his hands in dismissal as he had so many times before. I wanted to push it, but even I could tell it would get me nowhere.
“I will master this. I will find my strength.” I was firm, and he nodded and clicked in a hope that even I felt.
‘Then I will get us out of here.’ I wanted to say the words, but I already knew he would refuse.
Not that he would say anything more. He sat there, his shroud turned away from me even as I sat and worked to ignite the magic again.
I sat there, trying to focus on that waving ripple of heat and power that had lived underneath my skin the past few days, but for all my focus I got nothing more than sparks and waves of energy that left me shivering.
A few hours later, I was shivering for another reason. The carriage was so cold I couldn’t hope to fall asleep even if I had a blanket. I continually shifted in my seat, sending everything rocking. The Boy had lain on the padded seat opposite mine, his boots up against the wall as he made sounds that could have been snores. After my tenth, or maybe it was twentieth, shift that sent the carriage rocking, he sat up, that wide black mask turned to me.
I couldn’t tell if he was upset or not, but my temper was already rolling. No food, no blanket, and a mother whose hatred of me was growing, every day sending me over the edge.
“It’s not my fault I can’t sleep. It’s freezing in here,” I snapped.
“I couldn’t agree with that more.” I froze at the voice, the chattering female tones clearly not having come from him. More than that, they had come from the floorboards. The Boy stiffened, already on his feet with his sword half drawn.
I waved him off.
I knew that voice.
“Aeinya?” I hissed, dropping to my knees and speaking to the floor of the carriage as though she was part of the wood.
“Elara.” She hissed a taunt in return.
I didn’t even give the Boy a glance before throwing the door to the carriage open. I was actually surprised it wasn’t locked; I was even more surprised that there wasn’t a guard posted outside ready to glare me down and force me back inside. I supposed since we were in the middle of nowhere and Batian had placed fear and warnings in us of what would happen if we stepped out of line he didn’t think it was of much concern. The fool. That would make my escape that much easier. Now I just needed to convince the Boy, and possibly my father, to come with me. But later, right now I had a future Queen to worry about.
Dropping to the icy ground, I peered under the carriage to the shivering ball of flesh that was laying there. Aeinya was curled up on the frosted dirt; no blanket, no pallet, still wearing only that thin shift for clothing.
“Aeinya?” I gasped, slipping underneath the carriage in a panic and instantly throwing my cloak over her and trapping us against the tang of ice and soil. “By the Goddess! What are you doing under here?”
“Can’t you see?” The sound of her chuckle was swallowed by the sound of her chattering teeth. “I’m on my way to get married.” Any smile she attempted was lost in the chattering of her teeth.
“You’re joking right?” I wasn’t sure if she was nodding in agreement or not, her entire body was shaking violently.
“This isn’t part of the pilgrimage. This is ridiculous. You could be killed.” I was firm in my refusal that this was reality, but in my heart I knew it was. After all, why would any of these high bred families offer a woman showing her place among the paupers even so much as a bed roll.
“It is, unfortunately.” I barely heard the words through the chatter. “I am at the mercy of those around me.”
“None of them thought to give you room in their tent?” Not even Batian. I didn’t say that last part, although the sad smile she gave me made me sure that she had thought it as well.
“It is alright.” Her teeth weren’t chattering as much, so I tucked the cloak tighter around the both of us and moved closer. Even I was starting to grow warmer.
“Yes, because bleeding feet and freezing underneath the Prince’s carriage is normal for this kind of thing.” I tried to laugh, but was cut short by a look from Aeinya that clearly said that this kind of thing was normal.
“I knew what was awaiting me in this marriage.” She spoke as though she was sure, but even in the dark her eyes weren’t quite as bright as they had been before, her lips pulled into a taut line. “It will be worth it.”
I didn’t see how this could be worth anything. Well, almost anything. I suppose marrying a prince made that worth it, that and everything that went alongside that.
“Because you will be Queen?”
“Because Batian is kind and caring and he will be a good leader,” she sighed with enough love and adoration to make my own soul ache. All the chattering was gone now.
I nodded my head in silent agreement, snuggling into the warm air that was now between us. A fortnight ago I would have agreed with her. I would have been singing his praises. But now?
Just thinking about the hatred he had looked at me with sent waves of sparkling magic rumbling under my skin.
“Did you know he had my room covered in roses for my arrival, and again the night before we began the pilgrimage. He joined me for breakfast every morning and walked with me in the evenings. He’s always been attentive, but now his caring is paramount. Our life together is finally beginning.” She sighed again. It was hard for me not to fall into that love. Hearing her speak, that was the Batian I knew. That was the Batian I grew up with.
“He’s not falling and tripping again, is he?” I couldn’t help the chuckle, Batian had been so clumsy when they first met, mostly because he was trying to show off and ended up falling over himself instead.
“No, thankfully,” she giggled again, all chattering gone now. “Do you remember my first visit, when I was about eight. How old were you then?”
“Six,” I answered without hesitation. I would never forget that visit. It was back when I still had a Catalyst. Aeinya and I had been fast friends, running through the gardens and chasing our Catalysts as we all laughed and stole berries and went back to the Runturin with our hands covered in purple smudges. Batian had seen eleven years or so, and was already starting to master his magic. It was about then he started wearing gold, too.
“We were so tiny! Batian had found smaller mares for us to ride and he took us into the village…”
“To that toy shop!” I nearly squealed with delight. I had almost forgotten that particular trip.
“Yes, and he bought me that bear, and you that doll.” She snuggled in closer, whispering conspiratorially low now. I nodded, the momentary joy replaced by a slice of pain and a different memory.
I still had that doll, her face was cracked from when mother had moved me to my current rooms, the guards having thrown so many of my things into boxes or refuse piles. The Boy had found the doll before they burned her, although the hem of her dress was still scorched. I had her hidden in my bedside table, wrapped in my monthly rags in the hopes she would never be found.
“Well, he went back and bought a second, identical bear that same day. Last night he gave it to me as a gift for our future child.” She was near beaming with joy.
That was the Batian I loved and trusted beyond anything. That Batian was my brother. The person I had seen the last few days, well, I didn’t know who that was.
Cold fingers of confusion raked over my memories, all of the goodness that Batian was and the kindness that he had shown me, and Aeinya blending confusingly.
“I can’t believe he did that.”
“It reminds me of that time a few years ago when he brought us those biscuits from that tea shop in Turin and made us a tea service in the middle of the gardens.” She was giggling again.
“He pretended to be our butler. Lit the candles with his magic and put a napkin over his arm.” It was yet another memory of Batian that didn’t fit. I could only nod at her, hoping my confusion wasn’t clear.
“I am so lucky to have him, Elara. And to have you, and once he is Ramal everything will change.” She sighed with such love, such longing, that I knew she was still envisioning that world we had basked in so many times.
Now, I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.
Not anymore.
I had spent so long waiting for everything to change, for Batian to take the name of Ramal and all of the promises he had made to me to come true. For me to be free, and have my rooms back. To be part of the family and not be hidden away in shame. But now there were other promises, scary promises that ripped at my soul, and I wasn’t so sure exactly how things would change.
They definitely wouldn’t change in all the ways I had imagined.
Aeinya spoke the words with so much hope, but now all they did was fill me with dread.
She snuggled into me, the warmth radiating and comforting, even if laying on the ground was painful and bumpy.
“Do you want to sleep in my wagon? It's not much warmer, but there are padded chairs.” Or even the carpeted floor would be more comfortable than this.
Aeinya, however, shook her head. “I appreciate the offer, but I really don’t want to escape the warmth we have right now. Besides, if I am to show I can be one with my people I should sleep here.”
“Well, if you are staying here, so am I.” I was firm, but I think even she knew it was because I didn’t want to lose the warmth either.
It’s not like I would snuggle with the Boy… my heart skipped a beat as the image of me doing exactly that flooded my mind. Of his arms around me as we lay there, of his warm breath on my face. For what felt like the millionth time that slice of his face permeated my memory, the way his dark stubble lined that strong jaw. The soft, beautiful curve of his lips. The way his neck pulled in powerful muscle.
And the scars.
The scars that ran over his ears and down his neck.
Ears that used to be pointed.
Fae ears. It had been hours since that had been revealed, that all of that had been revealed, and the fear of what he was still hadn’t come. It never would. Because he wasn’t someone to fear.
How could I fear him when I–
“Are you alright, Elara?” Aeinya hissed, moving ever closer so that her legs were intertwined with the absolute bubble of my skirts. “You look like you are about to cry.”
I inhaled in a sound that was more like a hiccup, my face suddenly growing warm.
“I’m– I’m fine. Just thinking about your wedding.” That got her smiling and sighing again.
She snuggled in closer to me.
“I’m so happy you are going to be there. I need you there. Especially if Carry-'' she stopped mid-sentence, her voice choking out as she pursed her lips.
“Aeinya,” I whispered, suddenly realizing that there was someone who could probably be in my place. Someone who should have been by her all day. How had I missed it?
“Where is your Catalyst, Aeinya? Not that I don’t mind sharing warmth with you, but I would think Carry would be here.”
She should be there, they all should. Carry wasn’t the only Catalyst that had been missing either. We had traveled with Batian all day, and there was no sign of his Catalyst. In fact, the only Catalyst I had seen all day was my Uncle Jahn. Even in the courtyard before we had left he was the only one there.
“She…” She dropped her eyes and I tensed, half expecting her to say something worse.
She didn’t say anything more, she lay there, her lips pressed together as she looked around us as though someone was listening in. I wasn’t sure who would be out and about besides the guards, but they were all huddled around fires on the perimeter of camp. Even the Boy was probably fast asleep, grateful for the still carriage.
“She what? What is it?” I whispered as though someone was steps away, listening in.
She exhaled, nostrils flaring.
“Aeinya. Tell me.”
“Alright, but don’t take offense. I know it’s hard for you to talk about this sometimes.” She scooted closer, and I was suddenly worried about what exactly would be hard for me to hear.
“I do not like how you treat your Catalysts.” Her voice was hard, almost angry.
“What do you mean?” Admittedly, I had no idea how we treated our Catalysts. I knew her Catalyst was still allowed to have a name, but beyond that I thought it was all the same. Not having a Catalyst, I wouldn’t know.
“You know Carry can’t use her name anymore, not since we arrived. She is ‘The future Queen’s Catalyst’ now. She had a beau back home, too, but we had to leave him back home because Catalysts in Turin can’t even have relationships.”
I knew the Catalyst had to live different lives, but listening to what Aeinya’s Catalyst lost, it was as though they came from another realm and not simply another part of the Realm.
As though we were all prisoners under Dalyah’s rule.
“That’s not–”
“There’s more.” She cut me off as though I was going to fight her. “All of the Catalysts have to travel the pilgrimage separately. They have these red carriages, big paneled wagons that have no windows. I can’t even have Carry with me, without her my mind is all fuzzy. It’s as though I am lost in a haze.” Her voice caught, her eyes filling with tears as she leaned into me.
Pulling her in, I ran my fingers through the tangles of her hair, the soft sound of her tears against my shoulder. I didn’t know the pain, or at least I thought I didn’t. Until I found my father losing his mind without his Catalyst and felt that panic of seeing the Boy slipping away from me. Then I understood.
“I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what else to say, what I could say about my mother or my brother that wouldn’t lead to more questions. Questions I couldn’t answer.
It was enough. Aeinya said nothing, her tears fading away as she drifted to sleep, me following right after her, both of us wrapped up in the warmth of my cloak.
The next morning, before the sun had fully risen and the servants had begun making their rounds, I was awoken by a hand on my shoulder, the Boy pulling me from sleep before anyone saw me there, before anyone saw the future Queen beside the sickly princess.
“You said you would fight,” I whispered as I settled back into the soft padded seat of the carriage opposite the Boy. He visibly stiffened, his shroud twisted toward me. “What would you fight for?”
“For Okivo,” he whispered, “For how it was before Dalyah. Before the Goddess–”
I heard nothing more before the door swung open and a servant peered in, his eyes not looking at either of us.
“Princess Elara has been summoned.”
“Summoned?” I parroted, my voice catching a sudden knot in my throat.
“Yes,” he whispered in a growl, lifting his chin to look right at me with eyes so dark they might not as well have been there. I knew those eyes, I knew that snarling face.
He was dressed in the indigo and gold uniform of the King's Guard, but that wasn’t what I had seen him wearing the last time. Last time he had worn all black, the slithering white of a snake on his chest as he stood between me and my door, trapping me in my room.
As he had hit the Boy.
Silas.
I stiffened as Silas shifted forward to look at me over that hooked nose, the greasy man smiling so broadly that I knew he saw my recognition flare.
“Queen Dalyah has requested your presence.”
Again.
I wished she would stop requesting anything from me, it never ended well and I had a feeling this would be no different.
Not with the way her guard was smiling.