Chapter Nine
Vida
“I hate him, Lisa,” I mutter as I pack my bags, my movements more aggressive with my hatred for the man flowing through me.
“Don’t say that,” Lisa says, putting more clothes into my suitcase.
“I’ve been telling her the same thing but she won’t listen,” Isabella adds, sticking her tongue out at me when I turn my glare on her.
“Easy for you to say, you’re not the one marrying the fool,” I counter, rolling my eyes when she gives me her signature ‘it’s not that bad’ look.
“Vee, I get it’ll be a hard adjustment, but . . .”
“I’m not saying I won’t marry Ciro, I’m just saying I hate him,” I say sternly, cutting her off.
I’m not going to back down from the wedding. While I may hate the guy, I need to get rid of Donato and at least I can use Ciro to do that. Carmela said he would at least, and I’m going to hold them to it.
“Good, but still keep an open mind. He’s marrying a stranger too, maybe that’s why he’s uptight. Plus from what I heard, you were not so nice to him either,” Lisa says, laughing when my head whips around and I glare at my sister who just winks at me and continues tapping away on her phone.
“Well, I was only returning the favor,” I pout, throwing another shirt onto the pile.
Lisa and I continue to work in silence until I’ve calmed down a little. I turn and take her hands in mine, letting my emotions shine in my eyes. “I’m going to miss you, Lisa.”
“I’ll miss you more, Vee. Call me every day and don’t forget to come home for every holiday, alright?” she asks, her own emotions threatening to spill out now too.
“I wouldn’t dare,” I reply, tightening my grip on her hands.
“Plus, Mom would kill her if she dares miss the birth and death of Jesus,” Isabella adds, making us all laugh. She’s not wrong there.
“Life is going to be so different without you,” Lisa comments, her voice cracking.
“I wish you could come, Lisa,” I whisper, trying not to cry.
“My project supervisor would have my head if I missed a day of school,” she jokes, trying to lighten the mood. A small smile turns up my lips and my love for her grows.
“I’ll send you pictures, it’ll be like you’re there,” Isabella says, sharing a smile with Lisa.
“See, I won’t miss that much,” Lisa assures me. All I can do is try to trust her. I give her hands one final squeeze before we go back to packing.
“How excited are you about finally visiting Italy?” she asks as she passes me another folded pair of jeans.
“It’s not the way I planned it to go, but I’m trying to at least be excited about seeing the country,” I admit with a shrug.
Both girls knew how much going to Italy meant to me. It was clear now that the excitement I’d always had when I told them about my plans for Italy was gone. It was always supposed to be me and Adam going. Now it is going to be totally different and part of me still doesn’t know how to feel.
“It’s okay to make new plans, what’s the fun in life if you don’t,” Lisa says, quoting her brother’s favorite quote. I knew the quote all too well, so as it leaves her lips, I can’t help but shed a tear; a silent one I make sure no one sees.
It feels like I’m doing everything wrong. Just two nights ago I’d almost let Ciro talk me into blaming Adam for his death, and now I can’t even keep his quote alive. I’d decided to stay stuck in my plans, not wanting to budge at all on them. Who am I becoming? Is this just a way for me to not blame myself for all that I’ve done?
I don’t deserve anything but the blame, and my nightmares are my constant reminder of that.
The idea of not being with Adam’s family on his four-month death anniversary in a couple of weeks kills me. I didn’t think the Ballera’s would take too kindly to me coming back here so soon after getting there, so I knew coming to Adam’s grave before I leave will be my only chance to come and say the things I needed to say to him. I needed to apologize for leaving, but unlike Mom who thinks I am coming to say goodbye, I know better. There is no saying goodbye to Adam, ever.
Italy was supposed to be for us. It was where we were going to go for our honeymoon after we got married someday. I hate that I’m now being forced to marry a man like Ciro in a place where I’d planned such a special time with Adam; my only love. I hate everything about Ciro and how he’d said I am his. I’m not anyone’s property, not since Raphael took Adam from me.
As I stand in front of Adam’s grave, my head fills with all of the reasons why I hate Ciro. A part of me thinks that Adam can hear my deepest thoughts and that he’d shake his head at me. He was not just my boyfriend, but my best friend too. Raphael took both from me and Donato dared to threaten me and my family. Oh, how my life has changed in such a small time.
“I’m sorry I can’t make it for the anniversary, babe,” I begin, staring at the fresh roses in my hand that I brought for him.
I’ve always hated roses. They smell nothing like the shampoo and soap I buy. They were Adam’s favorite though, and his love for them made me give them a second chance. Now all the flowers in my room are roses. Not real ones of course, I still can’t stand the smell.
“You know, I’m getting married and stuff,” I scoff, trying to make a joke.
Adam always thought I was the funniest person he’d ever met. He always found my jokes hilarious, and no matter how bad his day was going, I always knew a joke from me would make him laugh. Now, I only hope he’d laugh about this.
“We’re leaving for Italy tomorrow. Mom is so excited,” I tell him, rolling my eyes as I remember the way she bounced around the house as she packed.
While I can never hate my mother, it still makes me mad that she’s so on board with this wedding. She had loved Adam too, so why does it feel like moving on is so easy for her? He should have been her son-in-law, not Ciro.
“I don’t want to go, but you know I have to,” I continue, bending down to arrange the flowers. “I’d do anything to make him pay, babe. He’ll pay for everything he did to us; to you.”
“Lisa talked about change, thinking your favorite quote would make me feel better about all of this,” I sigh as I look at the dark sky above me.
My eyes turn back to the words on the stone, Here lies a hero, a brother, a son, and a lover; Adam Brown
“This wasn’t the type of change you talked about, so I know it doesn’t apply to this.” My gaze moves to the roses on the ground. They look beautiful. I’m sure he would have liked them.
The sound of thunder gets my attention. It feels like it’s about to downpour. I know I should go while I still can, but the thought makes me sad. I don’t want to leave Adam. I’m not ready for this to be it for a while.
“I love you, babe. I will always love you,” I tell him, my words more of a promise than a statement.
“I’ll come visit soon, alright? So stay put,” I whisper, making myself giggle. “Well, you can’t do anything but that.”
How can I be thinking of dark jokes right now? Even from beyond the grave he’s still bringing out this side of me.
With a sigh, my heart sinks. I will never be the same person I was when I had him by my side, and now I’ll be even further away from him.
“I love you,” I whisper, placing my hand on his stone one last time.
This is not goodbye, it is “I’ll see you soon.” I will be back soon. I may be getting married to save everyone, but once the threat is gone, I will be back.