Chapter 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Dove
“Thank you for all your help with this paperwork,” Mom said, tapping the manila folder on the kitchen table once before putting it back in her bag. “It’s been a lot lately. I feel bad making you work through lunch though.”
“I volunteered, Mom. It’s fine.”
“I don’t think the zoo has ever been so up-to-date on its admin,” Mom replied with a chuckle.
I was determined to keep myself busy but was running out of tasks. I’d helped Crane construct a new gibbon viewing platform and now he had locked the tool shed because I kept stealing his construction tasks. Aya had practically banned me from the prep kitchens upon her return from Greece because she’d discovered I’d kept rearranging the stock at night. Wren had even attempted to teach me how to knit but had given up on me after I’d used three skeins of yarn to make a lumpy, unwearable sweater. I tried to support Hannah—folding laundry, washing dishes, changing diapers—but now even she was starting to tell me to go home and that she didn’t need more help.
In a job and family where there was always more to do, I was beginning to think the tasks of running the place weren’t infinite after all. And soon Lark and Logan would be arriving for the summer, and Lark would inevitably be just as anal and hardworking as I was, which meant even less for me to keep busy with.
Mom’s hand covered mine, and I knew before she even spoke that she was going to say something that I didn’t want to hear. “Honey?—”
“I don’t want to talk about him, Mom. It just makes everything hurt,” I admitted.
“But—”
“Letting him go was the right decision.” The saying had become my own personal mantra. I wondered if I said it enough times, if maybe I’d start to believe it. “I couldn’t endanger our family.”
“The zoo is a very safe place, honey. We’d be okay,” Mom said. “Besides, the twins would’ve loved to patrol with tranquilizer darts at night.”
“That’s not the only reason.” I dropped my chin into my hands. “I couldn’t let him sacrifice everything to be with me either.”
Mom let out a long-suffering sigh. “You know, I was in law school when I met your father.”
“Yeah?” I asked, wondering what that had to do with anything.
“He told me we couldn’t be together.” Her eyes crinkled as she looked through the window as if looking back to her fondest memories of him. “He knew his life’s mission was here—taking care of our animals, using whatever money we could earn to protect animals in the wild and conserve natural habitats.”
“I know?”
“And he said being with him was too big of a sacrifice for me to make. To leave my career. To move to an island no less,” Mom said with a chuckle. “But what he called sacrifices , I called choices . I chose the future I wanted. I wanted the one with him in it and I never regretted it, not even for a second.”
“Mom, Deacon abandoning his career is not the same as you leaving law school.”
“Maybe not.” Mom let out a contemplative hum. “Who knows what my life would’ve been if I turned a different direction at every fork in the road. I’ve made a lot of wrong choices in my life, but choosing love wasn’t one of them,” she said. “Just don’t be afraid to choose the future that you want for yourself, okay?”
“Yeah.” My shoulders drooped as I let her words sink in. “Thanks, Mom.”
“You’re welcome.” Her eyes softened. “And since you want to work through lunch, I will gift you with the task of completing some more of my paperwork.” She squeezed my shoulder. “I’ve got a new induction form I need to write up.”
“A new induction form this time of year? Why?”
The lines around her eyes deepened as she smiled. “Because I’ve hired a new keeper.”
“A new keeper?”
“Yeah,” Mom said, as if that weren’t massive news that we all should’ve been talking about for months and months before making any such decision. “I figured now that Hawk and Hannah have their hands full with Simon, we could use an extra staff member. She’s a country girl from Wyoming. She’ll be perfect to take over hoof stock.”
“Hoof stock? Where’s Heron going?”
“To birds,” Mom informed me.
“And where am I going?” I asked, perplexed.
“On to other things,” Mom said with a shrug. “I’ve known since you were a kid. I thought you’d be out the door long before Lark to be honest. And don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved all this extra time I’ve had with you, but I think it’s time for some new adventures in your life. Being here right now doesn’t seem to be healing you. If anything, I think it’s making it worse.” That hurt to hear, hurt because she was right. “I think a fresh start would be good for you, hon.”
“Probably,” I murmured. “Not that there’s any town in the world where I could completely run away from someone as famous as Deacon Harrow.”
“Do you want me to call my friends in Borneo?” she asked, taking out her phone. “You could go do some field research for a while? Can’t be haunted by Deacon Harrow where there’s no electricity.”
“Tempting,” I admitted with a huff. “But I think I’ll manage to survive.” Mom’s eyes widened for a second as she stared at her phone. “What’s up?”
“Uh, nothing,” she said cooly, and I narrowed my eyes at her. She was a good liar, but not that good. “Seriously,” she added as if sensing my wariness. “Just an invoice that was higher than expected. I’ll need to call the fruit supplier again.”
“Do you want me to do it?” I offered, hopeful to be put to work again.
“That’s alright, sweetie.” Mom smiled. “Oh, and I’ve sorted the last of the LRCT paperwork,” she said, clearly not wanting to mention Lucky Role Conservation Trust but needing to.
Two weeks after he’d left, Deacon had closed down the trust. Mom had helped with the documentation for it in my stead because even looking at the charity right now hurt too much. I should’ve known Deacon would abandon the charity without a new director at the helm. It was too complicated now having my name attached to his. It shouldn’t have surprised me but was still disappointing. For a brief flicker of a moment there, I’d thought he’d returned to the guy I’d once known. But maybe his good-heartedness had just been another performance.
“I just need to sign some things and then it’s official,” she said, sweeping her stray gray hairs off her face. “I have them printed out in my office, if you could just swing by on your way down to return the buckets.”
“Yeah, no problem,” I agreed, grateful she was giving me something to do other than sit and stew.
She gave me one last hug. “I’m proud of you, honey. You were an amazing director, and I know that you will be just as amazing at whatever you do next.”
“Thanks, Mom.” I leaned into her hug.
I wandered down the hill, wondering what I would do next. Maybe I’d move to a city for a while. Maybe I’d try to get a job at a big NGO. We had family connections at a few different places. Maybe I could reach out to a few of Mom’s old contacts at Singapore Zoo. The thought gave me a little flicker of excitement, a feeling that had been muted in me for weeks but now was revived at the thought of a new challenge.
Mom knew me too well. It was time for something else.
I wandered through the prep kitchens toward Mom’s office, and fortunately Aya wasn’t there to ward me away from her inventory systems. But the radio was still on, playing an old Lucky Role song, and my heart twinged at the sound of Deacon’s voice. I’d never told him how many times I’d listened and relistened to the entirety of his music catalogue. I’d fallen in love with the man behind every song and had wished like a heartsick teenager that one day he’d fall in love with me. But every girl in the entire world daydreamed about the angsty rock star falling for her. I’d gotten to have it for a split second, and it had all fallen apart. If only they knew what loving someone like him came with, maybe they wouldn’t want it so much.
“An oldie but a goodie,” the radio announcer said. “This comes after Deacon Harrow’s shock announcement that he is taking a step back from acting.” I froze, turning to the radio. “What do you think he’ll get up to next, Paula?”
“Hopefully more music,” a feminine voice replied. “Or maybe he wants to get behind the camera and do some directing. Who knows?”
I stared at the radio as the next song played, wishing it would suddenly give me more answers. He had officially announced he was taking a step back from acting? I can’t believe he really did it. I hoped that meant he’d make more music. He was probably off in a studio somewhere right now recording new songs.
I sighed, the tension in my chest easing a little. I was glad he’d taken that step for himself. Just because he had great success at something that wasn’t his passion, didn’t mean he had to keep pursuing it. I hoped he was proud of himself, too, for moving back to the music. That had been his first love.
I jogged up the steps to Mom’s office, feeling the bittersweetness of it all lingering in the air. I mindlessly opened the door and practically fell forward at what I saw. There, sat in Mom’s desk chair, was Deacon motherfucking Harrow.
He leaned back in the chair and smirked at me, smug at my surprise. “Hello, Rogue.”