Chapter 13
Wes
Engulfed in sadness, I lay on my bed, staring into space. I’d told Juliette I wanted to be alone after we got back from my grandmother’s.
I found myself more grateful than ever that we’d gotten to New Jersey when we had. Just one more day, and I wouldn’t have had the chance to say goodbye. I could thank Juliette for that opportunity. I also wondered if Grandma had waited to see me before letting go.
Despite finding some comfort in the fact that I’d gotten to see her before she died, I was in shock.
I’d been thinking I’d talk to her again today, yet instead of spending time with her, I’d sat with her lifeless body as we waited for the medical examiner to arrive.
Still, it was an honor to be by her side.
Mom had met us there as soon as I called to tell her about Grandma’s passing.
My mother seemed to be handling that better than I was, maybe because she’d been here day in and day out and had seen how my grandmother had declined, how little she could enjoy her life.
At least Grandma wasn’t suffering anymore.
The strange thing was, despite feeling distraught, I hadn’t cried yet. I felt like I should’ve been crying. I was in immense pain, after losing one of the most important people in my life, but for some reason, the tears wouldn’t fall.
After about ninety minutes in my room alone, I heard a knock at the door.
“Wes, can I come in?” Juliette asked.
“Yes,” I answered, straightening against the headboard.
She smiled sadly as she entered the room.
“What have you been doing all this time?” I asked.
“Well, your mom just got home from meeting with the funeral director. But I thought I’d make sure she returned to a clean and tidy house. So, before she got here, I put all the dishes away, scrubbed the sink and countertop, and neatened up the living room.”
I forced a smile. “That was really nice of you. Thank you for doing that.”
Juliette lay next to me on the bed. “I waited as long as I could before coming to bug you.”
“You never bug me.” I briefly placed my hand on her leg. “But thank you for giving me a little space. I thought I was going to break down, and didn’t want you to see that, but strangely, I haven’t been able to cry.”
“We can’t control how we react to these kinds of situations. I find that the tears tend to creep up on you at random times, not when you necessarily expect them.”
I nodded.
I’d been so sad earlier that I didn’t really appreciate how beautiful Juliette looked today.
She’d curled her hair a little differently, and her lips were a deeper shade of pink than usual, even without lipstick.
While I’d only now taken notice of that, something else had been playing on repeat in my head: the memory of her naked body after she’d unknotted that towel this morning.
That image had permeated even my deepest grief.
As if she’d read my mind, she said, “I feel like I need to apologize for being so brazen earlier…” She shook her head. “I don’t know what came over me. I think I’m just angry at the situation my father put us in, and I’m taking it out on you, in a way.”
While I’d have loved nothing more than for Juliette to take out all of her anger on me in ways she probably couldn’t imagine, I had to resist.
Before I could respond, she spoke again.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about it because it’s not the appropriate time. I just wanted to clear the air a little because things were awkward between us in the car this morning—and rightfully so. I want you to feel like you can lean on me right now.”
“You want me to feel like it’s safe to lean on you without you randomly disrobing.” I smiled. “Got it.”
“Basically, yes.” She laughed.
Things went quiet for a bit, and Juliette leaned her head on my shoulder. “I’m so sorry about Grandma Rose, Wes.”
I closed my eyes for a moment. “I think what bothers me the most is that…” I paused.
“She was so damn proud of me when I was working as a cop. A lot of her family had been cops. In Grandma’s eyes, there wasn’t a more honorable job.
” I sighed. “If she knew the truth about who I was working for now…” I shook my head.
“Well, she might’ve passed a lot sooner. Let’s just put it that way.”
“She knew as much as your mother does?”
I nodded. “Pretty much. She didn’t know the whole story of why I left the force, either.”
“I think if she truly understood, she’d still be proud of you. Just for different reasons.”
“I don’t know.” I looked away. “Her greatest wish was that I settle into a stable job, get married, and have a family someday. I don’t think any of that is in the cards for me now.”
“You don’t see yourself ever settling down?”
“As long as I’m in this job?” I shook my head. “No. How would that even be possible?”
Juliette turned her whole body toward me.
“Listen, Wes…” Her eyes glistened. “Wherever your grandmother is now, I believe she does know the truth. I believe she fully understands that everything you’ve ever done, you did with good intentions, with the goal of protecting people.
I have the honor of getting to experience that firsthand.
” Her eyes filled with emotion. “You put your life on the line for me every day. How many people willingly do that for someone else? I know you feel obligated to my father. But that doesn’t change the fact that you’re a hero.
And your grandma is proud of you, in this very moment, wherever she is. ”
And that caused me to get choked up.
Fuck.
It’s happening.
A tear fell. It figured I’d cry around Juliette. She always made me feel things.
“Well, here are the damn tears that wouldn’t fall earlier.” I sniffled and wiped my eyes. “So much for the manly man who’s supposed to protect you.”
“I think it’s a beautiful thing when a man allows himself to cry,” she whispered.
We sat quietly for a long moment.
“Listen, now that my grandmother has passed, we can leave Jersey, if you want.”
Her eyes widened. “You can’t leave before the wake and funeral…”
I shrugged. “Those events are for other people, not the person who died. Wakes make me angry, in fact. Sometimes it’s a bunch of jerks talking and laughing while the dead body is right there in the room. Half the time I want to punch people for being so damn disrespectful.” I groaned.
“Well, that’s true…” she agreed.
“The only thing that matters to me was getting to see her before she died and to make sure she knew I loved her,” I said. “I’m at peace with that.”
“Okay, but I still don’t think we should up and leave,” she added. “It would be important to your mom to have you by her side, don’t you think?”
I exhaled. She was right. “Yeah. We’ll stay.” I wiped my eyes one last time. “Listen, you need to somehow erase my crying episode from your memory, okay?”
“Deal, if you erase my towel drop from yours.”
I flashed a mischievous grin. “No chance in hell…”
***
Grandma’s wake a couple of days later was just as uncomfortable as I’d imagined, with lines of people, some of whom I recognized and others who were complete strangers.
I couldn’t tell you how many hands I’d shaken in that receiving line, and it looked like flowers had exploded everywhere.
My grandmother knew a lot of people and had always been a social butterfly, so the amount of locals coming to pay their respects wasn’t surprising.
It was overwhelming, though, to see so many faces I hadn’t come across in years.
Even a few of my exes from high school and beyond had showed up.
Awkward but touching. While I’d only had one serious relationship, I’d dated a lot.
I kept noticing Juliette looking over at me whenever I talked to one of them.
Not sure why some sick part of me liked the idea that she might have been jealous.
If I knew nothing was going to happen between us, why did that matter?
At one point, when the line finally died down, my mother placed her hand on my shoulder. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay.” I shrugged. “I’m looking forward to this being over, though. It just feels like something I wish you and I could’ve done in private.”
She nodded. “I know. But your grandmother knew a lot of people, and I didn’t want them to feel slighted. You don’t get a do-over with these things.”
I turned around toward the open casket and knelt there.
Even though Grandma was pretty frail in her final days, the funeral home had done a good job with her makeup and hair.
Her hands were crossed one over the other, looking a bit orangey and hardened, and she held a set of rosary beads.
I had to keep reminding myself that the body was no longer my grandmother.
She was an angel now, and hopefully fully able-bodied, healthy, and playing bingo in the sky.
Eventually several people lined up again to greet us, so it was back to business.
A little while later I realized I’d gotten distracted and hadn’t noticed that Juliette had disappeared from her seat.
She and I hadn’t really discussed safety tonight, but I’d assumed it went without saying that she shouldn’t leave my sight.
She’d probably just had to go to the bathroom and would be right back. I tried not to panic—yet.
Twenty minutes later, though, the wake was winding down and there was still no sign of Juliette.
Now I could panic. My mother knew nothing about the real nature of my relationship to Juliette, yet she seemed concerned, too, when I pointed out that it was odd Juliette hadn’t returned from the bathroom.
I excused myself and left the viewing room.
Sweat beaded on my forehead as I searched the funeral parlor in a frenzy. I’d never forgive myself if something happened to her, even if I had good reason to be distracted tonight.
I entered every bathroom on the premises, but there was no sign of her. Next, I ran out toward the front and around back to the parking lot. No Juliette.