Chapter 12 Elijah
ELIJAH
The hotel suite door closes behind me with a hushed click.
I pause instinctively, hand lifting toward the safety latch before I remind myself I’m safe.
I let it fall and wheel my luggage toward the bedroom.
We always stay here when we play Florida.
It’s the best resort boasting bright, airy suites with balconies that face either the city or the ocean.
It feels like a lifetime ago that I brought Finley here straight from Havenview. So much has happened since. So much has changed, it doesn’t feel like the same place. Or maybe it’s that we’re in a completely different place in our lives now.
Opening out my case on the luggage rack by the closet, I hang my suit up for the travel creases to drop in time for tomorrow’s game.
After I’ve checked out the rest of the suite and the balcony with a spectacular oceanfront view, I freshen up to meet with Coach.
I’m finishing my teeth when there’s a firm knock.
Even though I recognize Taylor’s rhythmic rap, I still check the peephole. Sure enough, he stands a couple feet back, the corridor empty behind him.
The instant I open the door, he greets me with a proud smile. He just stands there with his hands on his hips, eyes glassed over.
“Well, goddamn, Son,” he chokes on a throaty laugh, licking the emotion off his lips as he steps closer. “I need to hug you right now, is that okay?”
“Sure.” Before the word is fully off my tongue, his arms band around me.
Taylor’s about five inches shorter than me, but his embrace completely envelops me. Hard and steady without a single moment of pause.
When Taylor releases me, he follows me inside. Grabbing a water from the kitchenette before he takes the armchair by the open balcony door.
“What a whirlwind, huh?” He breathes out, crossing one leg over the other. “How’re you feeling about it? You know, how’s it all hitting home?”
I swallow, giving the last couple days their space to land. “I can’t honestly tell you. I don’t really know how I feel. Some moments I’m relieved and excited, others I’m overwhelmed and confused.”
“Are you scared?” He asks it gently, and I have to swallow again to keep from spilling every terror and tipping myself off a ledge I can’t climb back onto.
“It’s okay if you are. I’m scared for you.
You know I love you, kid, and as proud as I am…
God, Eli, I want to protect you from any negativity that might come your way. ”
“It’s going to be all right, Taylor,” I say with a smile.
Unexpectedly, I actually believe it. In my gut, and in my heart—like Jayden told me earlier—I know everything will work out as long as I have him and Finley.
“How do you feel about everything?” The question is out before I can pull it back. I’m opening myself to judgment from a man I admire with every bone in my body. Maybe I’m stupid, or maybe I need another cut to purge the tumult inside me. “Are you okay with it all?”
Shit.
Dark eyes hold me with their steady wisdom. I perch on the arm of the couch and wait for the verdict.
“Wow, those are some questions,” he groans, leaning forward. After a beat, he grips the water bottle in both hands. “I’m ecstatic that you’re happy and that you’re finally allowing yourself to breathe and be free like I’ve always wanted you to be.”
He won’t say the ‘B’ word because, like he’s told me infinite times, it’ll just dim his existing statement.
Taylor sets the bottle on the light wood floor. “I’m okay with you being with Finley. At this point, I’ll even say she’s your destiny, if there is such a thing. From the moment I took you out of Havenview, I knew you would go back for her.”
I swallow down the trepidation and ignore the painful rhythm of my heart. “And JJ?”
“Morrow,” he muses, gaze skimming the room like he’s working out how to deliver a blow. “I think he is perfect for you, and Finley,” he adds, frowning at his hands as they rub together.
“I never intended to fall in love with him. I just… It’s like I never had a choice.
It simply is, like it’s sewn into my DNA somewhere.
Jayden sees me, he knows me, and he makes me feel past the hurt and the pain.
It’s as if, at some point in my life, all the parts of me I lost, he found them and he’s returning them to me. ”
“And Finley? Where does she fit in that?” Concern crinkles the edges of his eyes.
“Fin has always been the best part of me. If not for her, I wouldn’t know love. If not for her, I would never have the drive to fight. To keep pushing, to keep going. She is my DNA.”
“Christ,” he breathes, all at once. The tears that glassed his eyes earlier slip free as he grins at me. “A father could not be more proud of their child than I am of you today. From the day I met you, I knew you were a blessing, and you have never disappointed me.”
“Not even now?” I pull a deep breath. “I know this is a lot, and—”
“Not now, not ever. Just because I don’t completely understand the dynamic between you, Morrow, and Finley does not mean that I am against it or disappointed by it. I am happy for you because, after everything, you are still fucking wonderful. How could they not fall in love with you?”
“Do you think Wendy is going to be okay with it?” I don’t want to cause friction in his marriage, not when Wendy has been as good to me as Taylor.
“Wendy is biting at the bit to visit you.” As if on cue, his phone rings with the wind-chime tone he uses for Wendy and for me. “Her ears must be ringing.”
I chuckle as he laughs softly. “I was most scared that you would hate me after you found out. You’re the only real dad I’ve had, and after my mother’s messages, I don’t think my parents want anything more to do with me.”
“Finally,” he mutters, answering the call before it hits voicemail. “It took them long enough to let you go.”
I nod, getting up to go to the bathroom and giving him some privacy to talk to his wife.
Even though I’m relieved that he’s not abandoning me, a small part of me is disappointed that I was never able to please the people who gave me physical life.
There is a whisper of sadness that they are out of my life.
I’m glad I have a moment to collect myself. A second alone to feel the intensity of everything that’s happening, and allow it to sink in so that I can carry on like I told Lex I wanted to do.
At the vanity, I unbutton my polo collar. I wash my face in cool water and study my reflection. Do I look different? As overwhelming as this all is, I don’t feel different. I’m still me. Or maybe I’m more me than I’ve ever been, and it feels good.
Warmth settles low in my stomach. The buzz of it runs through my veins with a peace that makes it easy to meet my own eyes, knowing I chose the man looking back.
It’s my choice.
And I’m owning it.
Starting with the glint of silver around my neck.
Every time I’ve seen my grandmother’s cross, I’ve felt guilt. I’ve felt dirty for what someone else did to me. I’ve bled myself for their sins because I was indoctrinated to do so. I’ve hurt myself for the hurt they caused.
I never asked for any of it.
And I’m done punishing myself.
I unclasp the chain and hold it up. Something so basic, so underwhelming—and I let it hold so much power over me.
No more.
I unscrew the pop-up plug, breathe in until my lungs burn, then let go and drop the necklace down the drain.
Into the sewer it goes, along with all the hate and lies that woman ever preached and beat into me.
I inhale.
I exhale.
And I let it all go.