12. Matty
Chapter twelve
“ W hat am I supposed to do? How could this happen?”
Taylor scoffs, running an inked hand through his shaggy dark hair. “What do you mean, how? You didn’t cap it before you tapped it, bruh.”
Because it wasn’t my choice.
Anguish has my eyes watering, and I drop my head into my hands from where I’m sitting on the sectional in mine and Xed’s living room.
I messed up. Messed up so bad.
Christian pats my knee next to me, Taylor’s on-again-off-again girlfriend Salem rubbing circles into my back on the other side. “Did you use any kind of protection?”
Stifling a sniffle, I think back to that night over a month ago and try to skirt around the fact that I was too drunk to consent. “It’s all kind of fuzzy. Some guys from the team invited me over to their dorm for a party, and I remember drinking a lot. And then Val showed up...she got me more drunk. Took me into the bathroom…”
Everyone is silent momentarily, and I raise my head to find Taylor biting his lip, sitting on the arm of Xed’s chair. “Do you think she’d poke a hole in it if you did? ”
The blood drains from my face as Christian lets out a mirthless laugh.
“She’s a perra loca, so probably. You know how manipulative she can be, Matty. And if she thinks this is her way back into your life...“ He trails off, the unspoken words hanging heavy in the room.
“Stop,” I whisper, my voice cracking as I shake my head. “Don’t. I can’t—" My hands ball into fists, pressing against my temples. “I can’t think about it like that. I can’t believe she’d—”
“Why not?” Taylor interrupts, his tone sharper than I’ve ever heard it. “Why the hell not, Matty? She’s done worse. Don’t act like you don’t know who she is.”
Because if I start thinking like that, then I have to accept the fact that she’s not just manipulative—she’s a fucking predator. And what does that make me ?
“Fuck, what do I do?” Tears are streaming down my cheeks now, and I try to catch Xed’s eye, but he won’t look at me. Hasn’t spoken a word since Jenna dropped the news on him that Valerie is fucking pregnant because I couldn’t tell him myself.
The weight of it all presses down on me, heavier than I’ve ever felt. I should have told him. I should’ve said something weeks ago, but the words froze every time I opened my mouth. How the hell do you tell the person you swore to protect that you might’ve royally fucked up your entire life?
“Is she gonna keep it?” Salem asks, her gray eyes full of sympathy, and I feel my throat close.
“I... I don’t know if it’s even mine.”
She purses her lips in thought. “You’d make her take a paternity test? ”
“Well, yeah. We hadn’t slept together in over a year and a half before this, so fuck knows who else she’s been with.”
The words sound logical, but inside, I’m spiraling. What if it’s not mine? What if it is? I don’t even know which one would be worse. The idea of raising a kid with Val terrifies the hell out of me.
“And if it is yours?” Taylor asks, gazing at me from under his lashes.
Taking a second to let his question sink in, I shove down the visceral shudder that rolls through me at the thought. “Then I’ll figure it out. One way or another, even if I have to…to be a father.”
My throat swells around the word, making me cough.
“You what! ?" Xed launches out of his chair, purple mohawk slightly limp as he snarls at me. “You want to have a baby with that piece of trash?!”
“If it’s mine, yes.” I hold my ground, jaw tight, despite the tremble in my hands.
He stares at me like a stranger, his anger burning so hot it nearly burns my skin. “You want to tie yourself to her like that? After everything she’s done? What the fuck is wrong with you, Matty?”
The words cut deep because I’ve been asking myself the same thing since the moment Val tracked me down at football practice and spat the news in my face. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“If it’s mine, then it’s my responsibility,” I say firmly, although my voice cracks. “I’m not going to walk away from my kid just because it’s inconvenient.”
Xed deflates instantly, sinking back into his seat like he doesn’t agree, but what kind of person would that make me if I did nothing? Val’s a mess—she’s always been a mess. But if this kid is mine, then none of that matters. I’ll figure it out. I have to .
Christian opens his mouth to say something, but Xed cuts him off.
“Did you get tested,” he grits out through clenched teeth, a pained expression on his face.
“Of course I did. I’m not an idiot.”
“Not a complete one,” Christian mutters with a sigh. “I told you to stay away from her, Matty. She’s bad news.”
“I know. I know, I was...weak.”
So fucking weak. Xed doesn’t deserve this. He shouldn’t be shackled down to someone who can’t even protect himself against a woman half his size. Xed should…
He should be with someone else.
“Look, we gotta get to work,” Taylor says, pulling Christian to his feet. Always together, these two. Thick as thieves. “Do you want us to stop by after?”
One look at the crumpled way Xed is slumping in his seat has me shaking my head. “No, it’s fine. You’ve got a game to watch later, right?”
Ever since his stepbrother Huckslee nearly died and moved to California for college after high school, Taylor’s been obsessed with watching his football games. Seems a bit unhealthy to me, but what do I know, clearly?
Salem squeezes my shoulder. “Text us if you need us, okay?”
“I will.”
Once the house is empty, I fall back against the cushions, my eyes taking in all of the road signs we hung on the ugly green-papered walls. Ones we’ve dared each other to steal over the years, funny street names that made us laugh, some from birthdays and holidays, special occasions. If the cops ever raided this place, we’d be in so much shit.
Finally, I let my gaze fall on him, and the look of utter betrayal in his eyes has me wanting to puke.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He sounds calm, his voice steady, but I’ve known Xed since we were seven. There’s a storm brewing beneath the surface.
“I was scared.”
That makes his brows slam down. “Scared? Of me ?”
Shaking my head, I look away from the hurt flashing across his features. “Not of you. Of what we’ve been doing, Xed. It’s not...”
“Not what?”
I try to say it’s not right, but I can’t. Because nothing has ever felt more right in my entire life. The memory of him writhing against me pops into my head, his tongue stroking mine, and I squeeze my eyes shut to will it away.
“It’s not...not what friends do,” I finish lamely, unsure what else to say.
He scoffs, getting to his feet. “Says who? What we do together is no one’s business, Matty.”
“Xed, I can’t,” I plead, looking up at where he now stands above me. “We can’t. Not anymore.”
He blinks, taking a step back as if physically hit. “Why?”
Because I don’t want to ruin what we have. Because I’m afraid you’ll see me for who I really am and leave.
“Just, please, Xed. For now. Until all this shit with Valerie is sorted, and I get my head on straight.”
We gaze at each other silently for a long moment, both of us communicating with our eyes, and eventually, he nods slowly, tugging on his sleeves.
“Alright. Okay. I’ll start moving some stuff into the spare bedroom. ”
“W-what?” I sit up straight, leaning forward to grab onto his wrist, stopping the sleeve pulling. “We don’t have to quit sleeping next to each other, Ducky, just the...the other stuff.”
He swallows, dropping his gaze with a scowl. “Don’t call me that. And I don’t know if I can do that, Matty. I can’t go backwards.”
Panic rises in my throat, cutting off air, and I wrack my brain for any excuse to keep him in our bed.
Licking my lips, I toss out the only thing I can think of. “You can’t. We might need that room for the… the baby.”
Xed’s face instantly hardens, lips curling over his teeth as he steps out of my touch. “Right. The baby.” He inhales a ragged breath before spinning on his heel to head upstairs. “Just forget it. This isn’t on you, it’s my fault, and…forget it. I’ll be in bed.”
As I watch him disappear, a knot forms in the pit of my stomach at his words.
Fuck, how did everything get so messed up? What is happening to my life right now?
After flipping off all the lights and taking a long shower, I climb into bed, sensing that he’s still awake under the covers. He’s curled away from me, as far on the edge of the mattress as he can get, and the distance he’s put between us might as well be miles wide.
As I settle in, cold and empty, it feels like all of my worries about losing him might have been in vain.
Because I think I’ve lost him, anyway.