24. Xed
Chapter twenty-four
“ T here.”
Setting down the hammer, I stand back and study the Children At Play sign on Hannah’s bedroom door. We’d stolen it from an abandoned elementary school last weekend to commemorate her transition from a crib to a big-girl bed. Can’t believe she’s two years old already.
Matty chuckles, leaning against the wall with his massive forearms folded over his bare chest. “Do you ever think maybe we’re getting too old for this?”
“What, stealing street signs?” At his nod, I scoff. “Nah. I’ll be grabbing traffic cones off the highway when I’m sixty.”
“I’m surprised we’ve never been caught.” Shaking his head, my best friend yawns with a stretch, the grey sweatpants riding low enough on his hips for me to barely make out a light strip of pubic hair before he tugs them up, and I quickly glance away, clearing my throat.
“Good thing we’re sneaky. Well, I am. You’re an elephant with those big shoes.”
He grimaces, gazing down at said feet forlornly. “Hannah’s got them, too. I gave my daughter clown feet.”
“Yeah, but it made teaching her to walk easier. ”
Putting the toolbox back in the hall closet, I stare into her room, suddenly hating the quiet. Tonight’s the first night we’ve had to ourselves in...well, probably since her birth. We finally felt like she was old enough to spend a whole night at Jenna’s, and now I don’t know what to do with myself.
“I miss her, too,” Matty says softly, following my gaze, and I simply nod before reaching up to push the hair from my eyes. I need to shave it again.
“So, what now? We’ve got the whole house to ourselves.”
He flashes me a crooked grin, making my stomach flip as he waggles his brows. “We could get some beer? Order pizza and get wild?”
His voice lowers almost suggestively, and my gaze inadvertently drops to the dick imprint in his sweats before I turn away to hide my face.
Most days, it’s easy to forget, to distract myself with Hannah and shove the memories behind a steel door. We haven’t touched each other like that in over two years. Not only was Hannah in our room for her first six months but almost every night since, one of us has brought her into bed for snuggles. Getting her used to sleeping alone is going to be tough, but...it gets harder and harder to keep how much I crave him under lock and key.
“Sure, Matty. Let’s get wild.”
We both passed out on the couch by seven-thirty.
The crick in my neck wakes me up, groaning as I blink into the dark living room, overheated and sweaty. The movie we’d been watching on Netflix, Spirited Away , must have ended some time ago because something else is playing I don’t recognize. Beneath me, Matty is snoring like a freight train, and that’s when I realize that I’m practically on top of him, cheek to chest. He’s got a heavy arm around my waist, so I try to lift myself up gingerly, but he grumbles and crushes me tighter against him, widening his legs to make room for mine.
“M-Matthew,” I cough, wriggling to try and get free. “You’re squeezing me, big guy. Let go.”
“Don’t wanna,” he mumbles, rolling onto his side, pinning me between his big dumb body and the cushions.
“You will in about five seconds when I piss all over you.”
A laugh rumbles his chest as he buries his face in my hair. “Hannah’s covered me in worse. Not afraid.”
Yeah, that makes two of us. Puke, food, shit. Babies are messy.
I spend the next few minutes trying to break free, growling in frustration when I feel him smile against my forehead before giving up and going limp with a huff. “Not fair. It’s like fighting a mountain. ”
“Can’t believe we fell asleep like two old men,” he grunts, peeking down at me. “Remember the parties we used to throw in high school?”
“Christian and Taylor actually threw them. We just showed up for free booze.”
“Shit, booze. I forgot about my beer.” Turning over, he glances at the half-empty beer bottles on the coffee table. “God, we’re lame now.”
“Correction, we’re parents now,“ I laugh, sitting up awkwardly. “I mean...you are. A parent, I mean. I’m just...” The one who takes care of your daughter every time you leave for football, who bathes her most nights and helps change her diapers. “The Uncle.”
“The Funcle,” he corrects with a grin. “Get it? Fun Uncle?”
Yeah...
“Haha.” Climbing over his body, I sigh at the mess of toys scattered around the living room, instead focusing on picking up the empty pizza box and beer bottles. I’ll clean up tomorrow.
“Bedtime, I guess?” Matty asks, following me into the kitchen, where I empty the beer and toss the trash.
“Yeah, probably. I’ve got an early morning class.”
And my Human Behavior professor is a real prick. He definitely will not tolerate me being late again, even though the first two times were because Hannah got sick. Thank fuck for Jenna, Salem, and the guys who have stepped in on numerous occasions to help out where they can.
When they say it takes a village to raise a kid, they absolutely mean it. I know Matty’s parents would also be here if they weren’t always traveling for work. Valerie’s dad couldn't give two shits about his own granddaughter .
It’s not until we’re both standing in our room after getting ready for the night that we realize we’ll be sharing a bed alone for the first time in years. Matty clears his throat, avoiding my gaze as he peels back the covers to slide in, and my heartbeat kicks up. There’s no distraction tonight, no small body to put between us, and I’m contemplating returning to sleep on the couch when he pats the sheets with a nervous laugh.
“Come to bed, Xed. I won’t bite you.”
But I wish you would, and that’s the problem.
Tugging off my shirt, I leave my jeans on as I slip under the blanket, staying on my side as far to the edge as possible. Then he turns off the lamp, drowning us in darkness, our breathing filling the silence. We usually leave the hall light on for Hannah, but he must have flipped the switch behind us.
With my eyes closed, I try to steady my pulse, the warmth of his body reaching me despite the distance, and it takes all of my strength not to seek it out. To turn around and let it seep into me, let it thaw the ice that’s built up in my veins over the years. Until now, I hadn’t realized how much his presence still affected me.
I won’t be getting any sleep tonight.
It doesn’t seem he will either because eventually, he sighs heavily, rustling around behind me.
“This is weird,” he whispers, and I hum in agreement.
“I know, I’ve gotten used to drifting off to Hannah’s babbles.”
“Not that,” he answers softly. “Well, yeah, I’m not used to her being gone, but...this. Us. We used to cuddle.”
Blowing out a breath, I open my eyes and gaze at the moonlight streaming in through the blinds. “That was...before.”
“Before I screwed everything up. ”
“Matthew.” Huffing in annoyance, I flip around to toss him a scowl. “You didn’t screw up, Hannah’s the best thing that ever happened to us. And you know what happened with Val wasn’t you choice–”
“I know that. I don’t mean Hannah. I’m talking about us.”
I see his face contort through the dimness, and my mouth opens before slamming shut. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? Deny it? No, I won’t because it hurt like a bitch the night he stopped what was happening between us. But I get it. I didn’t then, but I do now. He’s got a daughter to raise; she’s his priority. I would never demand anything different. It still stings, though.
“Can I...will you let me hold you?” Matty asks tentatively, opening his arms, and I stiffen slightly.
“Why?”
The question comes out harsher than I meant, and I see him flinch. But it’s valid.
“Please, Xed. No one’s touched me in so long. I just want to feel you.”
Fuck, I should say no. Tell him to go to hell, that this whole mess between us was his idea, and that he just wanted to be friends. But no one’s touched me, either. Especially not the only person I crave physical intimacy from, and here he is offering it up like we haven’t been ghosts moving around each other for two years.
I should say no.
Instead, I scoot toward him, feeling that electric spark skitter across my brain again when he wraps me tightly in his arms like he did downstairs. Skin to skin.
“Shit, I missed this,” he groans, nuzzling a cheek against mine as his hands slide down my back, making me shiver.
Me too, Matty . More than you know .
My palms splay on his chest, feeling hard muscle flex beneath my fingers, his scent making my mouth water. Unwillingly, my cock jerks against his belly button, and I try to pull away immediately.
“Don’t.” His hold on me tightens, my lungs filling with a sharp inhale when I feel his bulge pressing against my thigh. “Don’t go, please. It’s alright.”
“We can’t do this,” I rasp, fighting the urge to press my hips into him.
“Why not? We’ve done it before.”
“Yeah, and then you ended it.” Using all my strength, I push him away, getting some distance as I sit up against the headboard. “Friends don’t do this, remember?”
Following me into a seated position, he clicks on the lamp before turning to me, his eyes so pained that they twist my stomach. “I was wrong. I was so wrong, Ducky, and I’m sorry.”
“Fuck, I thought you stopped with that nickname,” I mutter, glaring at him, and his lips curl into a sad smile.
“Never.”
We gaze at each other for a long moment, searching for something I can’t place. When the silence stretches too long, I glance away with a swallow.
“This isn’t just because you’re horny, is it?”
He throws me a goofy grin. “But I am horny.”
“No shit, asshole. I mean, with me . Is this going to be a one-time thing because you haven’t gotten laid in a while?”
Matty’s grin fades, hurt flashing in his blue eyes as he shakes his head slowly. “I don’t want it to be. Look, I know I didn’t handle everything well before...but I miss my best friend. I miss having the right to touch you. I want to try again. Can we? Please? ”
He looks so earnest, so hopeful, and fuck if it doesn’t tug at my dead heart. I could never deny him anything, even if I wanted to. Matty holds the reins, and I’m his to steer.
“Okay,” I whisper, meeting his gaze, surprise flickering across his features briefly.
“Okay.” There’s a pause, pink flooding his cheeks as he licks his lips. “I don’t, uh...really know how to start sexy stuff between guys, so can we go back to cuddling?”
“And you think I do?” Sliding down my pants, I wiggle out of them before pressing up against him once again in my boxers. “Like before, we’ll just go with what feels good.”
“This definitely feels good,” he laughs hoarsely, positioning me so that our cocks align through the material of our clothes. “But can we...can we do this naked?”
My brows jump up as I pull back to look at him. “You want to be naked?”
The flush on his cheeks darkens as he ducks his head, burying his face in the crook of my neck. “If not, it’s okay. I just want to feel you against me. All of you.”
I’m quiet for a long moment, mulling over his words. We’ve never crossed that line before. Sure, we’d cuddle in our underwear, and I’d seen him naked a few times growing up when he’d change in the locker room, but this feels…different. Intimate.
“Why now, Matty?” I murmur, shuddering at the feel of his hands running down my bare back. “After so long?”
His lips find my throat, slowly moving up my face until he gets to my mouth, where he kisses me softly. “It wasn’t long before I realized I made a mistake. I missed you so damn much, Ducky, but you were closed off and I hurt you. Then Hannah was born...”
“She took over our lives. ”
“Yeah,” he nods, pulling me closer. “I’m so sorry, Xed. I’m not sorry we have her, but I’m sorry for hurting you. For not telling you that Val was pregnant. Do you think you could forgive me?”
Heaving a heavy sigh, I roll on top of him, straddling his hips as I stare down into his watery gaze. “I forgave you a long time ago, Matty. I just didn’t think you wanted me in that way anymore. And like I said before, I can’t go backwards.”
“I know, and I don’t want to go backwards.” His palms come around to flatten against my bony chest, trailing down my torso until he gets to the edge of my boxers. “Only forwards. I promise.”
His eyes stay on mine as he tentatively curls his fingers into my waistband, tugging my boxers down until my half-hard cock and balls are exposed. He drops his gaze, gasping softly, before running a finger down my shaft, sending a zap of pleasure through me.
“God, I’ve thought about this in the shower so many times,” he groans, toying with the edge of my foreskin, and I snort despite myself.
“You’ve thought about my dick in the shower?”
“Yeah. I’ve never seen an uncircumcised one up close before.” Tilting his head, he slowly pushes a finger inside, touching my sensitive tip, and I moan with a jolt.
“Fuck, Matty, do that again.”
His own cock is hard against my ass as he swirls his finger around, his wide, blue eyes jumping between watching my face and my dick. My hips start to move against him, rubbing his length in between my ass cheeks as I grip myself to pull back my foreskin, exposing the swollen and leaking tip.
“That’s so cool,” he whispers, watching me stroke myself, and I choke out a laugh before an idea occurs to me .
“Take off your sweats. I want to try something.”
Once we’re both fully nude, I straddle him again, this time on his thighs so that our cocks are touching. His is smaller than mine but definitely thicker, which will make this interesting.
“I don’t even know if this will work.” Positioning us tip to tip, I start to slide my foreskin up, rolling it over his shaft as well so that I’m covering him like a sock.
“Holy shit!” His pupils blow wide, breath ragged when he wraps a large hand around us and slowly strokes. “Jesus, why does that feel so good?”
Leaning back, I rest my palms on his thighs and let him work our cocks, thrusting to his tempo as pre-cum slicks our lengths. Moaning, his free hand roams my body, brushing a thumb over my nipple until I’m biting my lip to keep from whimpering. Fuck, his touch makes me feel like I’m burning alive.
“Don’t hold back,” he grunts, jerking us hard as he wraps his fingers around my neck. “Let me hear you again. I’ve been dreaming about the sounds you make.”
Shuddering violently, I come with a shout, crying out when I feel his cock start to pulse against mine. Hot cum floods beneath my foreskin, so fucking warm that I continue to spurt while Matty goes off like a geyser. Watching him come is an experience I never thought I’d get to have again, the way he pleads and writhes like he never wants it to stop. Tears roll onto his cheeks, and he tries to hide his face, but I quickly kiss them away.
Once we’re spent, shaking and sweaty, I pull off of him, both of us watching as our combined release seeps out from around my dick.
“That’s...really hot,” he breathes between breaths, catching some of our cum in his palm as it drips onto the bed, and then surprises the hell out of me by bringing it to his mouth, where he licks it off.
“Fuck, Matty,” I cough, liking the idea of my cum inside him more than I should, and he smiles crookedly.
“It’s not as bad as I’d imagine. Kind of salty, maybe a little bitter, but not terrible.”
Tugging me closer, he presses our lips together, and I open for him, shuddering when his tongue slides against mine. The taste of our combined release is intoxicating, making me moan. I want more, want to feel him pulsing down my throat.
As curious as I am to lap at the stickiness on his cock, though, I roll off of him before we go too far. “That was fucking messy. We should probably take a shower.”
“Yeah.” Getting off the bed, he stretches his arms above his head, ass muscles flexing, before he starts for the door. Halfway there, he stops to glance curiously at me over his shoulder. “You’re not coming?”
Just did.
I raise a brow at him, using my pillowcase to wipe myself up. “What, like together? In the shower?”
“Yeah, I thought that’s what you meant.” His face falls slightly as he turns back around. “Probably weird, huh? Forget I said anything.”
My heart skips a beat as I scramble out of bed. “No, wait, I’m coming. Just wasn’t sure if you’d, like, want to.”
“Never showered with anyone before, but I’m willing to try it with you.”
That comment has my chest fluttering as I follow him into the bathroom. Five minutes later, we’re both squeezing under the spray .
It’s cramped, uncomfortable, and awkward as hell.
“Why do you like the water so damn hot,” Matty grumbles, skin red as he soaps up his broad chest, and I nearly slip when I try to rinse the shampoo from my hair.
“Why do you like it so cold? And why’s the shower head aimed so high?”
“If this shower curtain sticks to my leg again, I’m ripping it down.”
Yeah...needless to say, shared showers are definitely not our thing. Fuck that noise.
When we finally crawl into clean sheets, squeaky clean, my limbs ache from trying not to slip in the tub. He pulls me close, warming my back with his chest as he presses a kiss to my neck.
“We’re still okay...right?” He asks, palming my throat gently, and I sigh into the dark as I let my eyes fall shut.
“Yeah, Matty, we’re okay. Always okay.”
In that moment, I really did believe my words to be true.