42. Matty
Chapter forty-two
Me:
Hey. Dad says you left at half-time, did you see it? What I said?
Tugging at my hair, I pace the hotel room, my eyes glued to the unanswered message on my phone. It’s been over an hour since I sent it, and Xed has read it, but he’s not replying.
“Sit down, son,” Dad says from the table, his tone tired. Hannah is asleep in the other room, blissfully unaware of my meltdown. “You’re going to make yourself sick.”
“I can’t sit.” Tossing the phone onto the table, I grip the back of a chair, glaring at the screen. “You said he saw the interview, right?”
“Yes,” Dad replies, avoiding my gaze. “He saw it.”
“But then he left ?”
Why would he leave after I admitted on live television that I love him?
I pace harder, my mind racing back to what my therapist suggested—choosing something for myself for once.
I did it. I chose Xed. So why isn’t he answering me ?
The vibration of a text snaps me out of my thoughts, and I snatch up my phone, ignoring Dad’s watchful eyes.
Ducky:
Yeah. I saw.
My pulse races as my thumbs fly across the screen.
Me:
And?
Dots appear. Then disappear. He’s taking way too long to reply.
Ducky:
And what, Matthew? What do you want me to say?
I collapse into a chair, staring at the message.
What do I want him to say? That he loves me back, obviously. That he’ll move in with Hannah and me. That we can be a family again.
That I didn’t ruin us for good.
After five agonizing minutes, I finally respond.
Me:
I thought this was what you wanted.
His response is instant.
Ducky:
And what do I want?
Me:
Me. Hannah. Us together… Right?
Or am I getting this all wrong?
Dad sets a cup of coffee in front of me, resigning himself to the long night ahead. My lungs start to spasm with anxiety as I wait for Xed to text back. When the message finally comes, it feels like the ground drops out from under me.
Ducky:
All these years, I thought you were the only one who knew me, but it turns out you don’t know me at all.
Me:
What’s that supposed to mean? I know you, Ducky.
Ducky:
No you fucking don’t. Of course I want you and Hannah, Matty, but I don’t deserve to be your secret. I don’t deserve the title of ‘uncle’ and I definitely don’t deserve to be labeled as just the ‘best friend you’re in love with.’
My chest tightens as I read the text over and over.
I don’t understand. He knows he’s more than that to me… doesn’t he?
Hannah’s soft call from the other room pulls me out of my daze. Shoving my phone into my pocket, I head to her room. She’s curled up in the king-sized bed, looking so small, her lip wobbling as I turn on the lamp.
“What is it, jelly bean?”
“I miss Uncle Xed,” she whispers, her brown eyes filling with tears. My own start to sting as I sit on the edge of the bed and pull her into my arms.
“I know, baby. Me too. ”
“Then why did he go away?” She sniffles, her tiny voice cracking. “He doesn’t love me?”
My chest cracks in two, and I press a kiss on her head. “Of course he does. Why would you think that?”
She gazes up at me, her watery eyes so heartbreakingly innocent. “He was sad. I don’t know what I did.”
“Oh, baby girl.” Scooting further onto the bed, I lay down beside her, holding her close. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Xed and I are just… going through something right now.”
“Like with Mommy?”
I shift uncomfortably. “Yes. And no. We aren’t speaking right now.”
“But why?”
Good question.
Blowing out a breath, I stare at the ceiling, searching for words. “Because Daddy messed up. I hurt Uncle Xed’s feelings, and now he’s upset with me.”
Her little fingers curl around mine. “So say sorry.”
If only it were that easy. “I’m trying really hard.”
She scrunches her nose at me. “Not hard enough.”
Her bluntness catches me off guard, and I cough out a surprised laugh. “You don’t think so?”
“Nope. ‘Member how you told me I have to mean it?”
“Yeah?”
With a shrug, she flops back down onto my chest. “You don’t mean it, and he can tell. You gotta mean it, Daddy.”
Those words crash into me hard, setting something off in my brain, and I reach for my phone to scan Xed’s texts again. My heart stutters when I spot one I missed.
Ducky:
I’m done killing myself trying to make you understand.
The air leaves the room as my chest tightens painfully, tears spilling over when his previous messages blur on the screen.
I don’t deserve to be your secret.
I don’t deserve to be labeled as just the ‘best friend you’re in love with.’
Hannah snuggles closer, her soft breath comforting, but all I can think about is what she said, far too wise for an almost six-year-old.
She’s absolutely right. I haven’t been trying hard enough.
If I don’t figure out how to fix this— really fix it —I’m going to lose him.
For good this time.