19. Nina
Nina
O h God, I don’t think I can do this pitch. I’m going to throw up. This pencil skirt feels too restrictive, and holy shit, do I also have to pee again?! I just went.
Ben and Mick are supposed to arrive any minute now to the conference room and all that’s left to do is wait, something that’s making my nerves even worse.
My phone pings with incoming messages.
Aria: You’re going to make this presentation your bitch.
Stella: Yeah, she will, and we can all celebrate your win in Berlin in a couple days!
Elodie: This is your bakery moment. You’ ve got this!
Me: Thanks for the confidence boost, ladies.
I smile as I reread their messages. Elodie’s right, this is my bakery moment. My dreams are already coming true by working on this line, and even though I’m terrified about presenting, I’m also excited to share my designs.
My phone pings again.
Aria: And while we’re in Berlin, maybe Nina can finally give us a straight answer about what’s going on between her and Evren.
Stella: Right? The photos say everything she’s not.
Since the arcade night, Elodie and Aria keep sending photos to the group chat that they took of Evren and me playing Pac Man.
Even I can see the spark between us, and I’ve zoomed in on Evren’s expression more than once since they’ve sent them.
It’s in the way he looks at me with a mixture of softness, intensity, and happiness that solidifies how I feel about him.
But I haven’t talked about it with my friends yet.
I’m not really sure why, maybe because I didn’t believe it was real ?
My phone rings, and I glance at it. Mom.
Ugh, it’s like she has a sixth sense that today’s important to me.
I hit ignore and silence everything before adjusting the dress forms for the millionth time, needing to focus on the upcoming presentation.
Even if I’m nervous, I know that my designs are solid.
Redoing the entire line meant revamping over fifty different pieces from game-day wear to lounge wear to everyday wear. The everyday wear was the most fun to create, and the one that needed the most help. It’s what I’m focusing on for today’s presentation in order to win over Glam Pop.
Zeki and Evren helped weave Glam Pop’s mission statements into my presentation, so that they will hopefully see how the brands align with the new line.
Evren opens the conference room door and strides inside with all the confidence in the world. He grins and winks at me, and I’m so relieved he’s here and that I’m not alone right now. Everything will be all right with him by my side.
Zeki walks in next, wearing a large grin and chatting away with who I’m assuming is Ben, Mick’s son. Ben’s a little younger than me and apparently is the brains behind Glam Pop, or at least that’s what Zeki and Evren have told me.
Mick is the last to enter, and when I see him, my world tilts to the side.
Standing before me isn’t Mick, but Miguel.
My father .
The room spins and my vision blurs as a cold sweat breaks out all over my body.
No matter how many times I blink, it doesn’t change the fact that Miguel is standing right here in this room, that we’re sharing the same air for the first time in my life.
He’s also the man Evren’s trying to impress, who I’m supposed to impress, with this stupid presentation.
Memories from my childhood assault me the longer I stare at Miguel.
The overwhelming feeling of being alone, unwanted.
Mom continuously lost in her pills while hunger pains were my constant companion.
The kids teasing me for not having a dad, their laughter like daggers piercing my heart.
My stupid dream that one day Miguel would find me and save me from the hell that was my life.
And every day that didn’t happen, a piece of me died until there was nothing left but the cold, hard reality that he really did abandon me, that he really didn’t care.
And now he’s here with his son, the son he has no hesitation in claiming as his own while I was left to rot in a trailer.
A surge of anger and resentment bubbles inside me,a toxic cocktail that threatens to consume me.I clench my fists and grit my teeth,fighting the urge to either lash out or sob uncontrollably or both.
Before I can figure out which one I should go with, Mick laughs at something Ben says, wearing a genuine smile, one full of love.
A wave of nausea hits me, so unexpected and intense, I clutch my stomach.
My world spins yet again, and a vise closes around my lungs.
My breaths speed up, but I can’t get enough oxygen inside for it to count.
“Nina?” Evren’s in front of me in a blink, grabbing my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
My gaze finds his for a split second, trying to convey everything that’s happening with just my look, until I push past him and out the door, bending over with my hands on my thighs, trying desperately to drag in a breath.
I don’t think I can do this. I can’t present my designs in front of my father.
Mick didn’t seem to recognize me while Zeki gave him water.
That might be the thing that hurts the worst. All the hopes I had when I was a child that he was keeping tabs on me bursts into pieces.
And it makes me want to pick up one of those pieces, walk back into the room, and hurt Mick.
Hurt him as much as his absence has hurt me my entire life.
“Nina, what’s wrong?” Evren asks, crouching in front of me.
“I hate that man in there.” My voice shakes as much as my body does in my fury. “And I hate everything he stands for.”
Evren’s eyebrows rise. “Who? Ben or Mick?”
“Mick.” I spit his name.
“You know him?”
I laugh, and it’s unhinged.
“Do I know him?” I can’t stop laughing at that, and soon tears join in the party.
Confusion lines Evren’s face, but I can’t stop.
And soon my laughs turn into a sob, but I can’t fall apart here, with my father just steps away.
Stuffing it all down, I reach for the numbness that helped me through my entire life.
I need to pull myself together, and then?
I don’t know. I can’t go back in there and continue with the plan as if nothing is wrong.
I might’ve judged Evren too harshly when I first met him, assuming he was like my father, and resisting his offer of the franchise deal.
But my father? I haven’t misjudged him at all.
He’s cruel to have relinquished all his rights before anyone could question it.
He’s never cared about me,never even bothered to try.
But apparently, he cares about Ben, his son, my brother.
Presenting in front of Miguel is out of the question, for so many reasons.
The least of which is the worry that if I try my best and he still doesn’t sign on, it’d be my fault and I refuse to be rejected by him all over again.
But the main reason is that if I walk back into that room, I know I’ll purposely ruin this pitch.
And if I do that, Evren will suffer the consequences.
That’s something I would never do to him.
I care about Evren enough to let him have this part of me, to allow Ben and Mick to make money off me and my designs.
Evren gives and gives and gives to everyone, never expecting anything in return.
Even if he doesn’t see it now, he’ll eventually understand that me walking away right now is for the best.
Zeki steps into the hallway and frowns when he sees us. “They’re waiting for us. ”
“Right.” Evren looks from Zeki to me and back again. “We’ll be there in a minute.”
Zeki nods and heads back inside.
“Will you come inside with me?” Evren asks, helping me stand up from my bent-over position. “I’ll be with you every step of the way.”
“I…can’t do this.” I step away from him and toward the elevator.
“What do you mean? You’ve spent weeks preparing for this; you can’t walk away now.”
“I can and I will.”
“Why? Please, help me understand.”
“Not now.” I stare at the wall, refusing to open up about it, not here, not now. “I…can’t talk about it now. I’m sorry,” I whisper, still refusing to look at him, refusing to see the disappointment on his face. With my gaze on the ground, I walk steadily to the elevators.
“Don’t do this,” he says, his voice rough with desperation. “Don’t sabotage your dreams.”
I hold in another building sob and give him a blank look over my shoulder, refusing to break right now. “You’ll be fine. You have everything you need to get Glam Pop to accept.”
“This isn’t about Glam Pop, and you know it.”
“I know,” I say, pressing the down button on the wall. It’s difficult to ignore the guilt encircling my entire body, trapping me in a prison of my own making. “But Mick’s my fath—” I choke back a sob, my hand covering my mouth. With my eyes, I plead with him to understand .
“He’s your father?” Evren asks.
I nod and Evren frowns. He glances at the conference room and then back at me. “Did you know that he was part of Glam Pop?”
I shake my head and get into the elevator.
“But it’s too much of a coincidence,” he says, his face carefully blank as the doors begin sliding shut. “What if?—”
I’m relieved that whatever he was going to say gets cut off by the elevator. When Evren’s done with the meeting, he’s going to demand an explanation, or accuse me of trying to betray him.
Oh God, he must think I’m just like Mert. I order a ride home, barely holding myself together, and call Elodie.
“Hey,” she says. “Is it over? So soon? How?—”
“I need you,” I choke out. “I… We need to go to Berlin right now.”
There’s a pause before she says, “Are you home?”
“Heading there in an Uber.”
“Okay, I’ll be there when you arrive, and we can talk about whatever is going on and?—”
“No,” I shout. “I need to leave. I can’t… Oh God, he’s going to be so angry with me.” Evren’s going to fire me when he gets home. He’s been hurt by too many people to listen, to believe me.
“All right,” Elodie says slowly. “I’ll come over and help you pack and then we can leave. Whatever is going on will be okay. I’ve got you. ”
I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from falling apart in the Uber and nod, even if Elodie can’t see me. “Can you distract me? Please?”
“Um, okay? Let me think. Okay, maybe TMI but I got my IUD taken out because my period was getting too heavy and too uncomfortable to manage. I really thought going copper was the right choice, but joke’s on me. You’re lucky you chose the hormonal one….”
I’d laugh if I wasn’t so close to having a nervous breakdown. Elodie and her random TMIs are the only things holding me together right now.
When I get home, I scribble a note to Evren explaining that I’m leaving for Berlin and that I’m sorry for everything. My tears drip onto the paper as I fold it closed and place it on the dining table. I just hope he’ll forgive me, that we’re not over before we’ve even begun.