Chapter 14 #2
“Are they putting something in the water over at the rink?” Wells is trying to lighten the mood, but I feel like someone’s dropped a rock in my stomach.
“This is serious, Wells. I’m really struggling here.”
He must be able to see the anguish on my face, and he sits up a little straighter.
“I’m sorry. It’s clear that you have a lot going on right now.
I’ve known that I was gay since I was a teenager, but it’s different for everyone.
There’s no template that every queer person needs to follow, and especially if you’re bisexual or constantly in an environment that prides itself on heteronormativity like competitive sports, it can be something that’s complicated to figure out. ”
I digest his words, trying to find comfort in them. But something isn’t sitting right with me. “I mean, I don’t actually know that I’m bi.”
“It’s okay not to label yourself, too. Maybe you’re just really into this one guy,” he says, misunderstanding what I’m trying to tell him.
I close my eyes, and when I open them again, I say the words that have been becoming clearer to me by the day. “No, I mean I don’t know that I’m actually into women. It’s just what–or who–I always thought that I should be doing. I’ve never felt like this with any of them.”
He leans forward. “Like what?”
I smile, feeling those damn butterflies flapping again.
“When I’m close to him, I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. I wonder if he’s thinking about me the way that I’m thinking about him.
I like to be close to him, even though it’s so hard to stand sometimes.
He’s driving me fucking crazy, and I don’t know what to do about it? ”
A soft smile flashes across Wells’ face. “Seems pretty serious. Do you know how he feels?”
My face falls, even though I should be exhilarated by finding out that Chase is attracted to me, too. “I think if circumstances were different, we could… explore things.”
“Circumstances?”
“He’s a member of the coaching staff. Which means that anything happening between us is strictly prohibited.
” I hate how the words feel in my mouth.
Like us being something would somehow be wrong.
It’s crazy to think because for as scary as all of this is, nothing feels more right or natural than the way I feel about him.
“That one’s easy,” Wells says matter-of-factly.
I lean forward. “I don’t follow?”
“Why does anyone need to know? At least in the beginning,” he amends. “You’re graduating after this year. Plus, it’s not like you’re some moony-eyed freshman.”
I chew on his words. He makes it sound so simple, but I’ve always been a rule follower. If I had to consider whether I agreed with every rule that I was expected to follow, I’d spiral out.
Then, I think about the car accident again. I did everything right. I’d texted the family group chat asking for a ride home after I’d been out drinking. I made sure that I didn’t get behind the wheel of my own car, which I left at the hockey rink where we’d been playing.
What did I get for following the rules? A dead sister and a messed up leg. And the guy who drove drunk survived without a scratch on him.
“I don’t want to fuck up his job,” I say, grasping at the last straws for why me going after Chase is a horrible idea. Besides the fact that I have no idea what I’m doing and will probably make a complete fool of myself.
“Then don’t get caught,” Wells says simply. “Are you going to give up on something you want because of a little red tape? I wasn’t supposed to hook up with Kellan either, and look where we are now.”
“It’s a little different,” I defend, even though I know that the two of them had a tough road, and I’m happy as hell about where they managed to get.
And because Kellan’s a professional hockey player, they still aren’t publicly out.
Regardless, they make it work because being together is the most important thing.
Wells holds his hands up. “Suit yourself. But it seems like you’re down bad, and I’m only trying to help.”
This all feels so big–so serious–and we haven’t even kissed yet. Heat rushes through me, thinking about the possibility.
The way he’d feel against me, our bodies melding together. He’s a little smaller than me, but I’m sure that he’s just as toned–maybe even more given that I haven’t been able to work out. I have a slinking suspicion that Wyatt Chase, if given the chance, could absolutely rock my world.
Can I survive without knowing what it would be like?
I lean back in my chair, pushing the thoughts away. I’ve already tortured myself enough for one day. “I appreciate you talking to me."
I watch as Wells shifts his coffee cup between his hands. “Does Kellan know about what’s going on with you?”
Shaking my head, I drain the remainder of my own drink.
“No. I haven’t wanted to bother him with it.
” It’s not exactly the truth. I pulled away from everyone after the accident, and it’s only been since my…
revelation about my sexuality that I’m starting to come back up for air.
But at this point, I still feel weird about inserting myself back into his life, even though I know that he’d like for me to reach out.
He’s just one of those good guys like that.
Wells nods thoughtfully. “I’m sure he’d appreciate hearing from you. Sure, he’s been busy with the season kicking off, but he mentions you a lot.”
Guilt washes over me. Kellan and I were inseparable for three years, and I completely shut him out. Sure, I know that he gets it, but I still hate the feeling of letting him down when he’s also going through huge life changes. “Maybe we can all get together soon?”
Glancing down at his watch, Wells picks up his cup, and I feel that our impromptu therapy session is coming to an end. “I need to get to the tutoring center. Text him and we can figure something out.”
He’s gone quickly and with little fanfare, like he’s frequently asked to be a fairy gayfather to struggling hockey players. And maybe he is. Honestly, who knows anymore.
All I can say for sure is that I can feel that things with Chase are going to come to a head at some point, and I’m both exhilarated and terrified by the prospect.