Chapter 20 #2
He’s not wrong, exactly, but it’s also a loaded fucking question for him to be asking in my dimly lit living room while we’re sitting a few feet away from one another on my deep sofa.
“I grew up in a very accepting family. I have two gay uncles, so once I realized that I was attracted to both men and women, it wasn’t ever really an issue. ”
Asher lets out a surprised sound that I wish I didn’t find so endearing. “Really? Like… always?”
“I mean, I was photographed with both men and women, but it was always just assumed that I wasn’t sleeping with any of the men.
That’s their problem, not mine, and it’s not an inaccuracy that I felt the need to correct at the time, especially because I wasn’t serious with any of the women or the men.
” Except for Lyla’s mom, but I won’t go down that path right now.
He clears his throat, moving a little closer. “Did your teammates or coaches know? When you played in Seattle,” he clarifies.
I think back. The commercial break is over, and it’s crazy that I feel so removed from a team that I used to call home.
This, sitting with Asher on the sofa, makes me feel more at home than anything else has in a long time.
“I wasn’t looking to be the poster boy for anything except having a kick-ass rookie season.
If I’d have developed serious feelings for someone or was in the league for longer, it’s probably something I’d have thought about more seriously. ”
“Like, you’d have come out publicly?” he asks.
I purse my lips. “Maybe not publicly, but my teammates and coaches would have been told.” I really think I would have done it, too. If there’d ever been a reason. Maybe it would have cut my professional career short, but living a lie would have killed me.
Just like ignoring my feelings for Asher is sort of killing me right now, too.
“You’d have just casually mentioned it to them in the locker room?” he says dubiously.
Even though I know that he played two years in the minor leagues, the pros are an entirely different beast when it comes to visibility and scrutiny.
And it’s not like given my… carefree–is the word that I settle on–first year that I’m unfamiliar with the machine behind the scenes.
I adjust my position so that I can face him.
“They have high end PR teams who manage things like this. What’s the exposure risk?
Who to tell and when to tell. Are NDAs needed?
Parasocial relationships make people think that they’re close to celebrities or athletes, but if you do it right, people only see what they’re supposed to. ”
He smiles mischievously. “So, you’re saying that the paparazzi only caught you when you wanted to be caught?”
I laugh. “No, I was a dumbass kid who was told more than once to be more discreet. I was twenty-two and thought that I was on a ride that would never end. But, I was always honest with my partners,” I say, hoping that isn’t just me remembering myself more kindly than I deserve.
“Did you hook up with any other players?” he asks, quickly adding, “I don’t want names or anything. I’m just curious.”
I decide to be honest with him. He’s yet to betray my confidence, and regardless, I’m not going to out anyone.
That part of my life was so long ago, and I adjust my glasses, thinking back.
“Yeah, I did. It helped because we were in the same position in life. Coming out wouldn’t have been good for either of our careers, so it kept things simple. ”
He studies me, and suddenly, I’m worried that he’s judging me for my body count. But in my defense, he’s never been with a man. Once that happens, I’m sure he’ll go a little crazy for a bit.
The idea sends a rocketing flair of jealousy through me. I’ve never been an especially possessive person, and even though I keep pushing Asher away, I hate the idea of him with anyone else. It’s so present that it feels like a punch to the stomach.
He clears his throat, pausing for a few seconds before he says, “You make it sound so easy. I don’t think I’ll have very much game.”
God, if only he knew how sexy I find him.
How, if our situation was different, all he’d have to do is look at me the way that he is now, and I wouldn’t think twice about throwing myself at him.
But that’s not the point. What he needs right now is confidence, even if giving it to him so that he can hook up with someone else is driving me to a slow, agonizing death.
“Maybe this isn’t what you want to hear, but with a body and a face like yours, it’s not going to matter much,” I tell him.
Then I add, “Even though you have a lot to offer, if you go to a place where men who are attracted to men congregate, one of them will try to take you home. I can promise you that.”
And I wish it was me.
I’m still chastising myself for entertaining this line of questioning when he leans a little closer. “Yeah, but like… I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
I try not to scowl, but I probably do a shitty job at hiding it. “Asher, are you asking me for dating tips?”
The thing is, I know that he’s not fishing for compliments.
It’s just not who he is. Which means that he is, in fact, asking me for tips, and it makes me want to die.
Unfortunately, it also makes me want to take him in my mouth and make him come so hard that he can’t remember his own name.
Jury’s still out, but either one leaves me absolutely fucked.
He shifts uncomfortably, and I’m proven right with his next words.
“I guess I’m just nervous, is all. And I get that nothing can happen between us, so I’m trying to focus on the future.
Sometimes, I just get really stuck in my own head about things.
So much that I keep thinking about them and psyching myself out until I’m basically a bundle of nerves. ”
My frustration morphs into sympathy, even as I feel a twist in my heart at the idea of him moving past me. And even though I absolutely should not say what I’m thinking, I can’t help myself. “You did okay for yourself in the hottub. Better than okay, even.”
I’m getting warm all over, just thinking about it.
How he was in my space but so gentle. The way his lips were tentative and searching, how he explored my mouth with a reverence that I don’t know I’ve ever experienced before.
It was honestly the best kiss of my life, but I’m definitely not going to tell him that part.
The lights in the living room are still dimmed, but I’m pretty sure that I can see a flush on his cheeks. And I hate how much I like knowing that he’s still affected by our moment, too.
He blows out a long breath. “Being with another man should be easy, right? We have the same parts, and I know what makes me feel good.”
I nod silently and watch as his eyes darken.
I can feel us moving into dangerous territory.
But I can’t stop myself. Not because I love the look on his face–which, for the record I absolutely do–but also because he needs a friend.
At least, that’s the line that I’m sticking to right now.
Having someone to talk to about his feelings means that he’ll be less likely to be taken advantage of in the future.
Still, my cock twitches. Because I desperately want to know exactly what makes Asher feel good.
And then I want to be the one to cause it.
But if that can’t happen, I can at least give him some sound advice.
“Yeah. I mean, everyone gets off to different things, but you already know the mechanics…” Oh god, I can’t believe I’m about to say this.
I wouldn’t, except that he genuinely looks overwhelmed again.
“Like, you know what a good blowjob feels like, and I’m sure that you’ve jerked off before. ”
“Um…” He stammers, averting his gaze.
I put a steadying hand on his knee, which has started bouncing. “It’s okay. You don’t need to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable to share.”
He shakes his head, deciding something. “I’m just worried that I’m going to be bad at it.” His voice is soaked in vulnerability, so I try to hold back my swift rejection of his words.
There’s no world in which he’s going to be bad in bed.
Not a single fucking chance. It’s just factually impossible.
And even if it kills me, which I’m growing more certain of as the seconds pass, I’m going to do everything that I can to allay his fears to wipe that uncertain look off of his beautiful face.
“Once you click with someone, it’s going to be easy.
You’ll just do whatever feels good, and I promise that it will work out. ”
Regardless of what a good person I’m trying to be, I can’t help but feel like I’m being punished for something. That’s where I’ve landed as I give Asher the confidence to get out there and sleep with someone else.
He swallows, and I can feel the tension in the air. Whatever he’s about to say, I have this sinking feeling that it’s going to wreck me.