Chapter 33 #2
But Jason isn’t backing down, either, and I think that he’s a couple of seconds away from hauling off and punching me. Because even if it wasn’t with my fists, I’ve already hit him. Somewhere deep inside that I know he’s sensitive about.
That wasn’t fair of me. And damn would Olivia be disappointed, on top of all the other people in my life whose opinions I care about.
I put my hands up, palms out so that he knows I’m not going to fight him. “I shouldn’t have said that. And I’m sorry. I’m really proud of everything that you’ve accomplished, and you’re doing great in your apprenticeship. But what you said was really shitty, too.”
It’s clear that he’s still confused, even if his fists are still safely at his sides. “What the fuck are you talking about, Ash? It was a joke,” he reiterates, like that makes it any better. “Do you want me to apologize to Kyle or something?”
When I’m sure he’s not going to throw a punch, I cross my arms. I can hear my pulse in my veins, buzzing so loudly it’s like a swarm of bees. I hadn’t actually thought about coming out to my family. With everything going on, it hadn’t seemed important.
But it is.
And if we tiptoe around every important conversation for the rest of our lives because of the absence that she’s left, our family will fracture and break into something unrecognizable.
Chase taught me to be brave, so I’m going to take the first step.
I’m shaking inside, but luckily, it’s not in my voice when I say evenly, “I’m gay, and I don’t especially appreciate the comments and the shitty language.
Honestly, I don’t appreciate how you’ve been talking about a lot of things this week.
I hate to think that Olivia had to live in this house, hearing the casual way that you talked about women either. ”
Shock, then confusion, then embarrassment flash across his face as he processes my words. Similarly, Cade and Kyle are both looking at me with wide eyes and then between one another.
The day’s definitely taken an unexpected turn, but all I feel is relief. I hadn’t realized that there was a boulder on my chest from anything except being home and trying to wade through Olivia not being here.
Jason’s always been the loudest, and for the first time in a long time, he’s quiet. Just staring at me with eyes that are very similar to my own, looking at me like he’s trying to make sense of something but the pieces aren’t quite clicking together. Finally, he says slowly, “You’re gay?”
Until a few seconds ago, I hadn’t actually said the words out loud before. It’s terrifying but also freeing. Fear mixed with possibility, like when I get nervous before a big game.
Still, I nod, knowing that he’s expecting an answer.
“I’m gay,” I say again. “And if that changes anything for you, then I’m sorry it has to be that way.
But you need to cut out the ugly shit that you’ve been saying.
I’d love for it to be all the time, but at least around me.
It’s gross, dude, and it’s only going to make your world smaller and smaller. ”
I’m not expecting tears to well up behind Jason’s eyes, and he wipes them away quickly when they threaten to fall. “Olivia said the same thing. She was always on my ass about it.”
“She was the smartest of all of us,” I say sadly, emotion threading through my voice and wrapping itself around my neck, squeezing tightly.
It’s Kyle who breaks through the silence that starts to stretch on between all of us. “I miss her. It sucks so much, being here without her.”
I hate it, but we all hate it. We’re unified by something more than being brothers or having grown up in the same cramped house together. At this moment, we all know what it feels like to have a hole in our chests that can never fully heal.
I realize how much all of my brothers are hurting. My pain isn’t some unique thing that I’m shouldering alone, even if I’ve been telling myself that. And disappearing into myself–into my life at Radford–only meant that they were more alone to deal with the loss and the grief.
Jason’s been acting like even more of an asshole to try and feel normal.
Cade’s been everywhere but nowhere, the worst offender of the faraway looks.
It’s like he can’t make sense of coming home and that life didn’t reset and she’s just waiting for us on the sofa, ready to make us talk about anything and everything.
I feel the worst for Kyle. They were the closest in age, and even though he’s at community college, he lives here, too.
He’s had to deal with our parents struggling with the grief and the fact that one day they were having breakfast together and now, he’ll never get to see her again either.
The tears threaten to fall when I finally push out the words that have been choking me.
“I’m here and she’s not, and it’s so fucking unfair that I can barely breathe sometimes.
” I take a deep breath, willing myself to continue without losing it.
“But I don’t want her to just become a memory.
She still impacts us every single day, and I want us to be able to talk about that. ”
Kyle moves toward me first, and tears are streaming down his face by the time I wrap my arms around his shoulders and hold him against my chest.
“Ash is right. Stop being such a dick,” Cade says to Jason at the same time he loops his arm around his twin’s shoulders and pulls him closer.
Jason looks toward me, the grief written across his face like it’s a gruesome mask. It hurts me to see it, and I pull him–and by extension Cade–toward me, too. Kyle lets me go enough so that he can grab onto Cade, all of us connected.
And then we’re in a small circle, holding onto one another. Four brothers, missing our center.
“I love you guys. You know that, right? And I’m sorry about how that night went down. I’m so fucking sorry.” I’m crying now, too, but I can’t help it.
I feel so much guilt over Olivia’s death. So much anger. So much sadness. So much, all the time. And it didn’t feel fair to put any of my grief on my brothers, when they’re suffering just as much as me.
If I hadn’t met Chase, I don’t know where I would be. Not in this place, where I can say the hard things and make sure that we don’t all grow so far apart, running from our grief, that we never find our way back to one another.
Jason pulls me in tighter and presses his hand against the back of my head soothingly.
Olivia always loved to play with our hair.
In a home without much affection between all the boys–unless you count fighting–she would crawl all over us, massaging our heads or lying against us or forcing us to all cuddle together in one big pile on the too-small couch.
I pull them all in closer, the knot in my chest easing even if it still hurts from being wound so tightly for so long.
We’re going to all be okay. I’m going to make sure of that, I silently promise them.
And as I hold Kyle’s head against my shoulder and feel the sweat that’s pooled against Jason’s back, it’s like I can almost feel Olivia, standing in the middle of all of us.
Right where she’ll always be.