Chapter 12
Bennett
It feels like someone reached inside my chest and wrapped their hand around my lungs. My chest heaves as I struggle to breathe, my stomach twisting in knots.
The look on Easton’s face, one of recognition and horror, hits me like a brick.
He staggers away, shaking his head like he can’t believe what we just did. Hell, I can’t even believe it.
What the hell was that? Did that really just happen?
“Easton.” As soon as I say his name, he turns on his heels and takes off running. Cupping my hands around my mouth, I shout again. “Easton!”
He doesn’t turn around, leaving me standing here confused and hurt.
Taking in deep, heavy breaths, I try to wrap my head around everything that just happened.
I continue to stare in the direction he ran, body aching, mind numb.
It takes way too long for reality to sink in and realize that I’m standing in the middle of a public park with my dick hanging out.
“Fuck,” I hiss, quickly scrambling to pull my pants up and shove my dick away. I wince when the pain registers, and I can feel Easton’s cold cum leaking out of my ass and down my thighs.
Breathing deeply again, I close my eyes and lean back against the tree. A heavy weight feels like it’s pressing down on my chest. How could that have been the hottest, but also the most fucked up thing to ever happen to me?
Easton fucked me. He was inside me. He made me cum, and then he ran away. He didn’t use me, that much I could see in his eyes.
He wanted me, but when reality settled in, he freaked out.
Maybe it was the shock of what happened, or maybe it’s him really realizing he’s into men. I don’t know.
But the fact is, we just had sex. He has a girlfriend, and we didn’t even use protection.
“Fuck,” I growl, the back of my eyes stinging. The number of times I fantasized about being with Easton in that way is too many to count.
I’ve wanted that for so long, even when I convinced myself I was over him. That I’ve moved on. That it was just a silly little crush.
It shouldn’t have happened that way, not when he’s in a relationship. I hate cheaters, and I just helped him cheat.
I feel sick to my stomach, crushed by a heavy conscience.
Whatever that was, I’m going to have to face it, and live with it.
I could have stopped him. I might have had a lot to drink, but not enough to not say no. Not enough to not get out of the situation.
The reality is, I wanted it. I wanted his hands on me, his mouth on me, his cock inside me. I wanted it all.
But I don’t have the right to any of that because he’s not mine. He can’t be mine. He will never be mine.
How will I face him now? How can we get past this?
We share a fucking room together. I have to live with the guy. We can’t ignore something like that or act like it never happened. There’s no way.
What we just did changes everything. We crossed a line, and I don’t know if we can come back from it.
It won’t happen again. Sure as hell not while he’s still with her. Just because he’s confused about his sexuality doesn’t give him a free pass to cheat.
I need to talk to him and tell him to come clean to Taylor. And if he doesn’t, as much as I hate the idea, I’ll do it myself.
I refuse to let her be hurt like this. She’s a nice girl, and I feel so fucking bad about what just happened.
Knowing I can’t go back to my dorm room, that I can’t go back and face Easton so soon, I push myself off the tree and walk toward the one that still holds the treehouse.
Climbing the ladder, the old wood creaks under my weight. It holds me up, though, as I climb to the top.
It’s a hell of a lot smaller than I remembered it being.
When I get inside, I crawl to the back and sit, leaning against the wall.
With my head resting against my knees, I let my mind wander as I overthink every little detail of the past, the present, and the possible future.
I must have fallen asleep because the next time I open my eyes, I’m still in the treehouse, but I’m lying on the hard floor, shivering.
Groaning, I sit up, scoot my way to the exit, and climb down. The whole walk to my parent’s place, I’m still being eaten alive with guilt.
This is Easton we’re talking about. The boy who used to be my whole world.
The guy I had my first crush on, the one I didn’t stop thinking about for years. And now, since we became roommates, everything has changed. I’m still trying to decide if it was for the better or worse.
We’ve been playing this little game, dancing along the line of something possibly toxic.
I’ve tried to get my mind off him by spending more time with Roland, but that didn’t work.
Don’t get me wrong, Roland is a nice guy, and he could potentially be the best boyfriend I’ve ever had. Not that I have much to compare that to.
It’s just that... I don’t have that spark with him. He doesn’t give me that rush, doesn’t get my heart pounding and blood pumping.
He’s not the one who’s taken up residence inside my head.
It’s the man who sleeps on the other side of the bedroom. The one I have a past with. Someone who knew all my deepest, darkest secrets.
And someone who isn’t available.
Not wanting to wake anyone up, I head to the backyard and into the pool house.
This used to be Lilly’s space, a place to stay when she’d need a break from school.
After she officially moved in with Bishop and Toby, I took over.
Closing the door behind me, I strip out of my clothes and toss them in the hamper on my way to the bathroom.
The hot water feels good against my cold, aching body.
I give myself a good scrub down. When I slide the washcloth between my cheeks, I grunt in pain. Easton isn’t a small guy, and neither was his dick.
Closing my eyes, I think about how it felt to have him inside me, the sounds he made, the way he bit down on my shoulder, like he was claiming me as his.
My cock starts to thicken, arousal builds at the thought.
This is so fucked up, I shouldn’t be turned on.
But I am.
Leaning my head against the tiled wall, I close my eyes, letting the water run over my body as I wrap my hand around my cock.
With my free hand, I slip two fingers inside my ass, his cum still inside me, making them slide in easily.
I groan at the stretch, and my cock twitches with the feeling.
I start to pump my cock and fingers at the same time. Pleasure spikes through me, setting me alight.
Every second of our interaction fills my mind, fueling the fire inside me.
Moaning, I pretend it’s Easton’s cock pressing deep inside me, hitting my prostate and making me see stars.
My fist works over my aching dick, thick and angry, wanting release as if I didn’t just cum a few hours ago.
It doesn’t take me long before my balls draw up, body tensing and cum spilling from my cock. I make a mess of the shower wall, moaning Easton’s name as I remember the feeling of him filling me with his hot release.
As soon as my breathing settles and my body relaxes, shame seeps back in.
What the fuck am I doing? I shouldn't be thinking about him, about what we did. It’s wrong, it’s fucked up. He cheated on his girlfriend, and I’m getting off on it.
I wash up again and get out of the shower. Changing into a clean pair of boxers, I crawl into bed.
I’m both wired and exhausted at the same time. My mind won’t shut off.
That was the first time I’ve ever bottomed. Liam didn’t like to top, so I was always the one who did.
I remember Easton’s reaction when he found the butt plug. I feel so fucking stupid.
I can’t believe I was actually planning on having sex with Roland. That I prepped myself for him.
What the hell was I thinking?
I know what I was thinking. I was hoping that being with Roland and forcing something that wasn’t there could help me forget about Easton. If I moved on with someone else, then magically my feelings and thoughts would go away.
I hate myself for thinking that way. Being willing to have sex with someone just to get over someone else.
It’s not fair to Roland or myself.
The most fucked up part is, I don’t know what I want, or what to do.
I can’t keep messing around with Roland. It’s not right to lead him on. I wish I could want him that way because it would make my life so much easier. But the truth is... I don’t. He deserves to be with someone who can be all in, who can make him their whole world.
Not someone who is thinking about another man while they’re with him.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do. Maybe moving back home would be for the best. I know I have to eventually talk to Easton about what happened. And he has to tell Taylor.
For now, I’m going to get some sleep and try to process everything.
The rest of the weekend, I was a mess. My parents could tell something was wrong, but there’s no way I was going to tell them what happened.
Thankfully, they didn’t pry, even though I know my mom wanted to.
I’ve spent the last week at their place, mostly hiding in the pool house when I wasn’t at school or hockey.
I haven’t gone back to the dorm, and I haven’t seen Easton, Taylor, or Aria.
The guilt of what happened has been eating me alive.
I know I need to face Easton, but how the hell do I do that?
And who knows how he’s going to react. Is he going to act like it never happened, hate me for making him feel ways he doesn’t want to feel, or has this really fucked with his head?
He’s been on my mind, his mental state when it comes to all of this. Is he okay? How is he handling everything?
The thing is, I’ve never actually hated Easton. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself I did.
It wasn’t hate, rather, it was so much hurt.
I was hurt that he reacted the way he did, hurt that he threw our friendship away instead of talking to me, and hurt that we no longer were in one another's lives.
It hurt to go through high school without him, then the first few years of college.
Now all I want to do is find him, talk to him, confront him, and be there for him.
It’s fucked up, my head is fucked up. This whole fucking situation is fucked up.
I feel alone. Who can I talk to about this?