Chapter 13
Easton
“You’re gay.”
His words rattle around inside my head like a bass drum.
I stare at Bennett, my heart racing so fast I might pass out. Before today, the only person in this world who knew I’m gay was Taylor. Now, it’s three people. Everyone in this room.
Licking my lips, I swallow hard. “Yes,” I rasp.
Bennett’s lips part in shock, the look on his face is like he’s been punched in the gut. Like he’s been betrayed.
He doesn’t have any right to look at me like that. This is my life, my business. Not his.
But... after the other night, I guess it is his business now, too.
The past few days have been pure hell for me. After Halloween night, my head has been a mess. I fucked up. I did something I shouldn’t have. Something I didn’t have the right to do.
When Bennett didn’t come back to the dorm the first few days, I started to panic. All I could think about was him hating me, spilling my secrets, or even worse, making a joke of me.
That was the first time I’ve ever had sex, and it was in a moment of jealousy and anger, mixed with a fuck ton of alcohol.
While I don’t regret being with Bennett, I do regret how it happened. It was wrong of me. I shouldn’t have done it. It doesn’t matter that he liked it or if I got off on it. The fact is, it shouldn’t have happened that way. Or at all.
“Aria, let’s go grab something to eat and give these two a moment alone.”
Aria blinks, lips parted in shock like she’s not sure what to say. She looks at Bennett, at me, then Taylor. “Ah, okay...”
She slides off the bed and fixes her shirt. “We’ll talk later?” Aria’s eyes are swimming in tears.
I feel bad for her. This is all new for her too, and to come out to her best friend like this was probably not in the cards.
“Of course." Bennett steps forward. “Ah, Ari, don’t cry.”
He pulls her into his arms and gives her a tight hug. “I don’t want you to hate me.”
He pulls back and cups her face. “You’re my best friend, my person, I'd never be able to hate you, okay? I love you. And I’m here for you, okay?”
She smiles softly. “I love you.” She gives him another hug before stepping back and taking Taylor’s hand.
Taylor stops next to me as they leave. “You okay?”
“I’ll be fine.” I lean down and kiss the top of her head. “Are you okay?”
She looks back at Bennett, then me. “Yeah. I’ll be okay.”
“Love you.”
“Love you.”
The two of them take off, leaving Bennett and me alone.
Bennett goes over to Aria’s bed and sits down, letting out a heavy sigh as he runs a hand over his head. “I don’t even know where to begin.”
Neither do I. There’s so much to say, and I don’t know how to put it into words.
“I’m sorry about the other night,” I mutter, sitting next to him on the bed. I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes, but my body is hyperaware of the fact that he’s next to me.
“So am I,” he murmurs.
We sit in awkward silence for a long while. My head is a mess, I want to say so many things, but decide to start from the beginning.
“I shouldn’t have punched you in the face.”
“Huh?” he asks, sounding confused. “You didn’t.”
“I mean, when we were kids.” I swallow hard.
“Oh,” he whispers.
“How I reacted, it was a mistake. It was wrong.”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you. I had no right to put you in that position.”
“You have nothing to be sorry about.” My heart and head are a mess. My whole damn body is vibrating with pent-up energy. “I’m... I... Fuck.” I blow out a breath, scrubbing my hand over my face. “I liked it. When you kissed me.”
“You did?” he asks, sounding surprised.
“Yes. And that was the problem."
“Why? Because we were friends?”
“No.” I turn to him. “Because you're a guy.”
He looks at me, brows pinched. “So, what, you were ashamed of liking guys?”
“No,” I growl. “I was a kid. Confused and scared. All I knew was I had thoughts about my best friend when I knew I shouldn’t have.
Thoughts that if my father found out, he’d kill me.
And I don’t mean in the sense of being grounded, or shit like that.
I mean, the man would have literally beat the shit out of me. ”
His eyes widen, lips parting in surprise.
“Yeah,” I say when he doesn’t speak. “You knew my dad. You knew his temper. You knew how he felt about your family. That's why we never went over to your house.”
What he didn’t know was that any time my dad found out I was hanging out with Bennett, I paid for it.
A black eye, a broken rib, a bruised stomach.
That was just knowing I was spending time with a friend whose parents were a part of the gay community.
If he knew I had feelings for another man, it would have been way worse.
I’m not going to tell him that, though. I’d never tell him that because he’d hate himself, he’d feel guilty, and if his parents knew, so would they.
They were my safe place, my home. I spent so many nights wishing I were part of their family.
It’s one of the reasons I hated Bennett so much over the years. I resented that he got to have amazing parents, and a great life, while I had to hide mine. That I feared for my life.
I know now it’s not his fault. I never should have put any of the blame on him.
It’s my life, my shitty end of the stick.
And as much as I wished I never had this life, it is what it is. The best I can do is try to stay strong, to build something better. To be free.
Maybe one day I’ll be able to be the real me without the fear of what my father would do. But that's not right now. It can’t be.
“Shit.” He looks away. “Fuck, Easton.”
“You took me by surprise, but I liked it. I wanted it. And that is what freaked me out. I panicked, and I hit you. Then I ran away in shame.”
“Easton.”
The way he whispers my name makes me want to run, while at the same time pull him closer.
I do neither, remaining where I am, hands on my knees as I try to keep myself from shaking.
“I was too ashamed of what I did, so I stayed away. Punching you, I mean, not kissing you.” I rub my sweaty palms on my thighs. I can’t believe I’m actually telling him all of this. After all these years, he’s going to know the truth.
“Then my dad lost his job, and we had to move, I hated it. Being away from you, not having you in my life. But I made new friends, met Taylor, and it helped. I got heavily into football at that school, and it helped keep me busy, kept me from being home. From being around him. Life went on, and our hatred toward one another grew. I hated you for being able to live the life I wish I had, and you hated me for hurting you.”
“I never hated you,” Bennett whispers, and my heart aches.
“I was just hurt. You were my best friend. My person. And yeah, I liked you more than a friend. A lot more. I know I had no right to kiss you, but it wasn’t the fact that you hit me that hurt.
It was that you wouldn’t talk to me after.
We were each other's everything, and you just cut me off.”
“I know.” My shoulders slump, and it takes everything in me not to cry. “I’m sorry.”
No one says anything for a long time. Every passing second has my nerves racing until I’m sick to my stomach.
“How did you start dating Taylor?” Bennett finally asks.
I smile, laughing at the memory.
“We got really high one night. I was over at her place, hanging out with Travis. When he fell asleep, I found her out back. She was smoking a joint, and we shared it. I guess weed works just as well as alcohol does for loose lips. We were talking about a movie... I said how hot the actor was, and she argued that the actress was hotter. We kind of just looked at one another and knew. Neither of us said anything for a while. Just accepted the other person for who they were. And one day, after her parents got on her about finding a nice Christian man to build a life with, she came to me. She asked if we could date to get them off her back, and I agreed because my father was starting to question why he never saw me with a girl. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.”
“It makes sense,” Bennett says.
“Yeah. And it worked. We agreed that if there was anyone we really wanted to be with, we’d let the other know.”
“Has there?”
“Has there what?”
“Been anyone you wanted to be with?”
I lick my lips, not sure how to answer that.
“Yeah. Just one.”
“Oh.” Bennett sounds disappointed.
“But he had a boyfriend. And hated me. He was off limits. Apart from that, there wasn’t anyone who caught my interest.”
I feel like my stomach is going to fall out of my damn ass. I pretty much told him I wanted him long after we were kids. I wait for him to tell me he doesn’t see me that way, to laugh, or get angry.
He doesn’t.
“I’ve been a mess the last few days,” he admits. “I thought we fucked up. That I fucked up.”
“How so?” I ask, heart racing so damn hard it hurts.
“Because I hate cheaters. And I thought we cheated.”
“Fuck,” I whisper, turning my body to face him. I feel like shit. I knew what had happened to him, how he felt about it. I saw how he reacted when he saw Tyler cheat on Aria. “I’m sorry.”
“I know,” he says, sighing heavily. “Even if you two aren't together, it doesn’t change the fact that at the time, I thought you were. I hated myself.”
Guilt and pain begin to swallow me whole. Why is the only thing I seem to be able to do is bring this man pain? I’m no good for him. He deserves better.
And I hate myself for it. For how much I want him. Crave him. Need him.
“Where do we go from here?” Bennett asks.
“I don’t know,” I admit, looking away.
“I can move in with my parents. If it would make you feel more comfortable.”
“No.” I shake my head. “You don’t have to do that.”
“Are you sure?”
I nod my head. “Yeah.”
More awkward silence.
I can’t be here anymore. I can’t sit this close to him, be this near. I’m seconds away from kissing him, telling him how I feel.
That can’t happen. I’m too messed up in the head to play with this right now.
And, I can’t handle the rejection I know would be coming.
“I’m going to go,” I tell him, getting to my feet.
“What?”