29. IVY
29
IVY
“If you don’t care about your life, at least care enough about your mom’s to be more responsible,” Grayson snarled, his knuckles whitening on the steering wheel as the engine’s growl intensified.
Offense shot through me like an arrow. How dare he?
“You’re lecturing me about being responsible now?” I challenged. “How about making sure the person that you’re assassinating is actually guilty before you kill him?”
I regretted the words as soon as they left my mouth. Grayson didn’t deserve that. He was just acting on orders, and the Grayson I fell for would never willingly harm an innocent. Daniel was the one who gave the order, who set all this in motion. He was the real villain here.
It’s not like Grayson knew who he was killing.
I wish I had the capacity to empathize with what Grayson must be going through, the crushing realization that he’d killed an innocent man. But I didn’t have that in me right now, because it hurt too much. The man I loved was the man who stole everything from me.
So, all I could cope with was holding on to my anger and allowing it to choose Grayson for its bull’s-eye.
It was irrational and unfair, but if I were being brutally honest, maybe I was afraid to let go of this fury toward him. Because if I let go of this anger, if I let myself feel anything else…I was terrified of what might rush in to fill that void.
You can’t still be in love with him.
“If we had to split up, why didn’t you go with my mom? I could have gone with Red.”
Grayson’s jaw clenched. “Because you need to tell me what, exactly, you told Detective Mitchell.”
I hated myself for noticing the way his muscles flexed beneath his shirt.
What is wrong with me?
“I told him Daniel kidnapped me and is now after me and my mom. I asked him to investigate so he could arrest Daniel.”
“Did you tell him about the CIA?”
“I told him I believed he was a leader in the CIA, yes. That he manufactured evidence to make me look like an arms dealer to have an excuse to kill me.”
Grayson licked his lip. “You shouldn’t have done that, Ivy. The CIA needs to contain this.”
My jaw went slack. “You’re protecting the organization that is trying to kill me?”
“I’m trying to protect you . If law enforcement starts poking around about this, I’m not sure what the CIA’s response will be.”
I scoffed. “You said they don’t kill innocent people,” I retorted. “You know, unless one of their own becomes a psycho like Daniel.”
That earned a glower, and I fought the way my heart raced under his piercing gaze.
“Detective Mitchell was already suspicious of Daniel, remember?” I pressed. “When we were at the cabin the second time you tried to kill me?—”
“I didn’t try to kill you that time.”
Oh my God.
“He called and said he didn’t think Steve was his real name.”
“Did he say why?” Grayson pressed.
At the time, no, but when I called him this time, he did explain.
“After the whole garage incident, Detective Mitchell was going through the people in my life with a fine-toothed comb. When a routine background check found no records of Steve prior to two years ago, Detective Mitchell found it odd and dived deeper. He found that the Social Security number with Steve’s identity was issued around the same time he met my mom.”
Daniel was good—I’d give him that. Taking the time to ensure his identity would pass a first-level background check and even having a Social Security number for his fake identity. Anyone doing a typical search of him would not have had suspicions.
“Did you tell Detective Mitchell where we were?”
“No,” I said. “I was careful.” Or so I thought.
Appearing slightly relieved, Grayson rolled up his sleeves to his elbows, exposing the lean lines of his forearms. My traitorous mind flickered back to the way those hands had once roamed my body, igniting a fire within me that I couldn’t seem to extinguish. A stupid flush crept up my neck at the memory.
I mentally chastised myself, trying to push away the unwanted attraction. It was infuriating how my body betrayed me, responding to Grayson’s presence like a moth drawn to a flame.
How dare he sit there, looking all sexy and brooding, when he’s the reason my life is in shambles! The audacity of this man, making me feel things I shouldn’t. Things I couldn’t.
I forced myself to focus on the anger, the pain he’d caused. It was the only way I could keep my sanity.
“The police are not going to be able to take down someone as skilled as Daniel,” Grayson continued. “I told you, Barry and my colleague Seth are working on this. They have the skills to investigate Daniel and find evidence against him.”
“And in the meantime, Daniel is free. I have to believe that the Chicago police can at least help track him down, and if they do, Detective Mitchell can charge him with kidnapping and put him behind bars while they prove his other crimes.”
Until Daniel was behind bars, I’d be living in constant fear, and I couldn’t handle this going on for long. I needed to say good night to Mom without fearing it might be her last. I needed to feel the sun warming my face without the threat of a sniper’s gun trained on my skull. And I needed my heart to heal. If that was even possible.
The truth was, I wasn’t just angry at Grayson; I was overwhelmed by it all. How dare Daniel order the death of my father. And what had my dad been thinking, going up against a violent psychopath who’d tried to kidnap me once? I knew he was trying to do the right thing, but he’d been naive, and it endangered us all. Whenever that frustration seeped in, I’d feel like a horrible person, because Dad paid the ultimate price with his life, saving me in the process. I should only feel gratitude and pride, looking back on what Dad did, not frustration.
In any case, Grayson was a visual reminder of it all, one I needed to rid myself of.
“Taking down a CIA leader isn’t easy or quick,” Grayson continued. “Next time, don’t call or do anything without asking me first.”
I stilled. Asking Grayson ? “You mean Red,” I clarified.
His forest-deep gaze drifted to me, an unspoken apology swirling in their depths.
“You said you’d be gone by morning,” I reminded him. “So, once we meet up with Red and my mom…” I wouldn’t have to see him anymore.
Grayson’s piercing gaze remained locked with mine, and I battled against the way my traitorous heart raced beneath the intensity of his stare, my skin prickling with a heat I desperately wanted to ignore.
“If you think I’m leaving you to your own devices after that little stunt, you’re sorely mistaken. I’m not going anywhere. Not now.”
My chest plummeted into despair.
A girl could only take so much. Between the threats to my mom and me and mourning my father’s death through a new lens, I didn’t have the strength to be near Grayson.
“You have to.” I couldn’t take seeing him on a daily basis.
“I’m not going anywhere, Ivy,” he said with finality, as if he didn’t care about the turmoil he put my heart through.
I wanted to scream, pound my fists on the dashboard, surrender to my anger. But I took a calming breath, tapping into a different tactic.
“Please,” I whispered, screwing my eyes shut. “I cannot endure being near you.”
It’s too confusing.
When I opened my eyes, I found Grayson’s face hardened, like my words landed a punch.
“If I could turn back the clock, I would,” he said. “But right now, you need to push your feelings for me aside and focus on protecting yourself and your mom. Like it or not, you can’t do this alone. We need to work together to bring Daniel down. As much as I wish I could, I can’t give you back your dad, Ivy, but I can give you this.”
That was the problem—Grayson, the protector, willing to sacrifice his life for my mother and me, working to take down the man who’d caused it all. It tempted me to see him differently, but I couldn’t let those dangerous feelings take root. They were weeds that could strangle the revulsion I needed to hold on to.
Anything other than pure loathing for Grayson betrayed my father. His death was a web of lies and secrets, but it didn’t change the fact that he was gone, and Grayson stopped his heart. I could never let my feelings for my father’s killer be anything other than anger and hate.
“Once that’s done,” Grayson continued, “you can go back to hating me, and I promise, I’ll disappear from your life for good; I will no longer be the reminder of all you’ve lost.”
But even as he said those words, I couldn’t ignore the way my heart clenched at the thought of never seeing him again. It was a dangerous feeling, one I couldn’t afford to entertain. Not now, not ever.
I tore my gaze away from him, focusing on the road ahead.
Damn him for making me feel this way. And damn me for letting him.
“Until then,” Grayson said, “we can’t have any more complications that jeopardize our location.”
I swear the universe laughed and said, Challenge accepted.