Chapter 20
Twenty
The carriage rocks back and forth and its wheels crunch over the cobblestone roadway leading to the Stigian sanctuary.
The plush benches and soft decorative pillows do nothing to bring me any comfort.
I’ve sat ramrod straight with my hands folded in my lap for hours.
My black mourning dress is stifling. The high neckline squeezes my throat, and the full skirt is hot and irritating against my skin.
But it is the crown perched upon my head that weighs upon me the most. The delicate woven iron and rubies crush me.
My oath to my kingdom as their new sovereign was a rushed and quiet affair.
Hours after Micah’s death, I stood before the Divine Sibyl inside Lucent’s sanctuary.
No one in my family was present. None of my new subjects were invited.
With Borin, Kyron, Leif, Greer, and Terro as my witnesses, I swore to serve Lucent for the rest of my life as their queen.
I glance across the carriage to Borin. His chin rests in his palm as he stares out the window at the city where his husband grew up.
This place is so different from the kingdom they built together.
The grandeur of Stigian is a far cry from the simple beauty of Lucent.
It doesn’t matter how high the buildings or how spectacular the lights, this place will never compare to our home.
With a long exhale, he shifts, and I lift my gaze from my hand.
We lock eyes, neither of us saying a word.
I have never had a reason to question his loyalty; never worried that he would abandon me to find my way alone as queen.
But I wonder if the horrific death of his husband will be his breaking point.
It’s because of me that his parah lays in the horse-drawn hearse as we follow in the funeral procession.
I should have never pulled Micah from the battle.
I should have paid more attention. How could I miss the hawk swooping in?
How could I let Micah push me out of the way?
“It is all right to grieve, Raelle,” Borin says, worry resonating in his brown eyes.
I nod and run the back of my hand over my face. “You lost your parah. I should be caring for you. I feel so helpless.” A tear streaks down my cheeks. “So fucking helpless.”
Borin leans forward and pinches my chin between his thumb and index finger, forcing me to look at him.
“You did not lead the Allaji into Lucent. You did not send Micah out into that battle. That was his choice. You were not the one who pierced his body. You did not kill Micah. Do you hear me? You did not kill him.”
I don’t know what to say to that. I didn’t do those things, but it doesn’t change the guilt that festers inside me.
The repercussions of my actions affect more than just Micah and Borin.
I’ve upended my family. My mother and siblings ride in the carriage behind us, unable to remain in their home for fear that my enemy will return to Lucent and harm them to get to me.
I’ve left my people with the rubble after the battle.
They’re burying our dead while I flee to another kingdom.
I can’t help but to feel like I’m abandoning them when they need me the most.
But duty calls me to Stigian.
I must bury the king and discuss with our ally the next step to ending this war.
I’ve never felt so torn, so incapable.
“Micah loved you, Raelle,” Borin says. “I know my parah and dying in place of you was worth it to him.”
His words are true. Micah willingly gave his life to save me, and I believe he would do it again and again if he could. But the king isn’t the one who is here. He isn’t the one living with the pain caused by a separation from the one he was made for.
“How can you not resent me?” As I say the words, my heart cracks.
I can’t stomach the notion of him looking at me with disdain for the rest of his life.
He is my mentor, the man who readied me to take the crown.
I wouldn’t blame him for turning away, unable to face the pain of knowing I lived when his husband didn’t.
If he turned his back on me, I couldn’t do this without his counsel, support, and love.
The carriage stops and everything around us goes silent. Borin lowers to his knees before me and wraps his hand around the back of my neck, bringing our foreheads together. “Do you not know, precious girl? Micah didn’t do anything I would not have done. I would die for you, my queen.”
I throw my arms around him and release the pent-up emotion that has swelled inside me.
Sobs rattle my body as he embraces me. We hold on to each other, exchanging comforting words and squeezing tighter when the other feels like they need to be held together.
Life may have dealt us a hand filled with anguish and despair, but it hasn’t ripped everything from us.
In this moment, we need to grasp on to those we love and appreciate every second gifted to us.
We release each other, wiping our eyes and flashing sad smiles. The pain isn’t gone; it’s just bearable knowing we have one another.
The coachwoman opens the door, giving Borin and me a knowing nod. “When you are ready, Your Majesty.”
Borin exits and holds his hand out to me. I grip his fingers, not ready to face my first task as queen, but thankful that I have him to see me through.
Papa waits for me and Borin at the foot of the stairs leading to the sanctuary’s entrance. Grief is evident on his face, and his brown eyes are void of his zeal for life. The news of his best friend’s death is taking a toll on him.
Borin sent a messenger ahead of us to prepare Esmeray and my father. I hate that he had to hear about the death of his friend from someone other than family. He has spent over an hour by himself with no comfort from those who love him.
Taking a knee, my father bows his head. His fist pounds against his heart, and his voice is thick with emotion as he says, “Your Majesty.”
“Please rise,” I say with a trembling voice. My strong father shouldn’t take a knee for me. If anyone should show a sign of respect, it’s me.
Papa stands to his full height, and I fling myself into his arms. I don’t care about protocol or carrying myself like a queen. I hug him so tightly my muscles burn.
“I’m so sorry, Papa,” I cry against his shoulder.
“It’s all right. It will be all right,” he says, rubbing my back.
I find tranquility in his arms. It’s one of the safest places in the world. There is no good and evil, no duty, no one depending on me when I’m circled in his arms. I’m not a queen when he holds me. I’m just his daughter.
“I’m sorry you lost Micah, Papa,” says a small sad voice from behind me.
Ansley stares up at us with her hands clasped in front of her black dress.
Her wild red curls frame her round, tear-stained face.
I reach for her, and she wraps her small fingers around mine.
We pull her into our embrace, and my mother joins us as does Rowan and Salone.
My family clings to one another as we mourn the loss of our friend and king.
After kissing my mother, my father steps away from us and approaches Borin. He wraps his arms around Micah’s husband and the two exchange whispered words.
Movement across the sanctuary’s steps captures my attention.
Kyron talks with the Stigian army’s general.
He closes his eyes and runs a hand over his face.
I can’t make out their words, but I can see the distress in Kyron’s expression.
He lifts his gaze to mine and straightens his shoulders.
As if to stop the general from saying more, he claps him on the shoulder and turns his face to the side so I can’t read his lips.
The general spares me a glance, nods, and walks away.
Kyron shoves his hands in his pockets and strolls over to me and my family.
Rowan shifts at my side, moving his body slightly in front of me.
My younger brother is aware of our parah bond and how Kyron betrayed me and Lucent.
The protective little shit thinks just because he is half a head taller than the prince that he can take him on.
I clap my hand on his broad shoulder, a warning to calm down.
“What was that all about?” I ask Kyron.
“I’ll talk to you about it when you’re settled. It’s nothing you need to worry about right now,” he says.
“She’s the queen. Everything is her concern,” Rowan spits. His blue eyes bore into Kyron and his freckled face burns red.
My parah doesn’t so much as flinch at the way my brother speaks to him. He remains collected and says, “And I promise to tell her later.” He extends his hand in a show of peace. “I’m Kyron.”
“I know who you are, you’re the piece of shit that betrayed my sister.”
“Rowan…” I caution.
Leif walks up with Wel close behind. My best friend places a hand between Rowan’s shoulder blades, trying to steer him away. My brother shrugs him off and looks back at Kyron. “Touch her and I swear I will break each of your fingers and shove them down your throat.”
Kyron gives me a tight-lipped smile. “I don’t think your brother likes me.”
“He is hurt,” says a melodic voice from behind me.
My mother steps forward, her blue eyes darting between Kyron and me.
She doesn’t hold the same contempt for the prince that my brother does.
Her lovely features are soft with a smile as she extends a pale, slender hand. “It has been a while, Kyron.”
My mother ran into Kyron several times over the years, including at the feast Micah threw when I returned to Lucent after sneaking off to join the army. She is familiar with him and the close friendship he has with my father.
“Yes, it has, ma’am. It’s good to see you again. I just wish it were under happier circumstances.”
“As do I, Your Grace.”
“Kyron,” my father says, stepping beside the prince.
“Abrum.”