Chapter 11
Elara
I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door opening and closing.
My eyes, fighting to open, made out a blurred figure approaching the bed. I sat up, the silken sheets falling to my waist. Goosebumps formed on my arms from the cool breeze coming in through one of the open windows.
“Cai?”
He placed one of his knees on the bed and leaned towards me.
“Elara.”
For a moment, I entertained the idea that this wasn’t real. That there was no way Cai’s shirtless form was actually in my sleeping chambers in the middle of the night. Before I could say anything else, his lips were on my own and the scent of him overwhelmed me.
The kiss was different to the ones we’d shared before. My hands found his shoulders of their own accord. Had they always felt that strong? The warmth of Cai’s lips chased away the cold of the night, though this did not stop me from shivering when his mouth moved away from my lips and down my neck.
“Cai, what are you doing here?” I couldn’t help myself from asking.
He pulled away far enough that our foreheads were touching, and we shared a breath. “I missed you.” It wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more of an explanation, wanted more words.
But Cai wouldn’t give me that kind of satisfaction. He pulled the bed sheet away, exposing my legs. I didn’t let go of him as his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me up and into him. His tongue traced my bottom lip teasingly and disrupted the last of my common sense. My fingers ran through the hair at the back of his head.
“Aren’t you going to say you missed me as well?”
Cai laid me back, letting my head rest against the soft pillow. I couldn’t stop myself from letting out a laugh.
He smiled against my neck. “Sshh, you’re going to wake up the entire west wing with your laughing.”
Were there guards stationed outside my door? Did Rhen see Cai come in? I decided too quickly that I didn’t care.
“I’m taking that as a yes.” His breath was hot against my skin.
“Maybe I just missed the sparring.” His hand slowly ran up my leg.
“Liar.”
My hands traced down his back, digging into his skin as he pressed a kiss to my collarbone. I took his face into my hands and brought his mouth back to mine. Cai continued to kiss me as if it would be the last kiss we would ever share. His hands were everywhere until I had lost track of them — in my hair, my waist, my thighs.
I pulled away merely for the desperate need of taking a breath when his eyes locked with mine. Those beautiful eyes...
I gasped, sitting up in bed. The room was empty. I was alone. It was the sound of the window blowing shut that woke me from my dream. I shuddered, still able to feel Cai’s hands tracing my skin. I slipped out of the sheets, walked over to the window and pushed it open again.
The cool night air was a relief while I attempted to calm myself. Just a dream , I repeated over and over. Just a dream, though every part of it felt real. Had I really given into Cai that easily? Was him whispering my name in the dark all that it took?
It wasn’t real.
Cai wasn’t here and he’d said no.
I’d asked him to marry me, and he’d said no.
So, I pattered back to bed, hoping that a dreamless sleep would take me this time.
* * *
“I’m so happy we finally get to spend some time together again.” Cordelia grinned as we climbed out of the carriage. The city, which bordered the palace grounds, was so much bigger and busier than I could have imagined. I definitely wasn’t in Levernia anymore.
“Me too.” I tried not to gawk. She linked arms with me and led me through the vibrant streets while Rhen followed behind at an appropriate distance. Gone were the days that I walked through the cities alone. Gone were the days I scaled rooftops and sneaked through markets. The air was crisp and fresh, and somewhere in the distance, someone was playing a fiddle. The streets swarmed with people as we walked past colourful window displays of hats, dresses, glassware and art.
I couldn’t face Cai that morning. Just the thought of the dream made me blush, and I knew I would struggle to look him in the eye. But our council meeting couldn’t be pushed back for ever. I’d heard some of the council members weren’t currently at court and had been asked by Cai to return to the palace. But I needed something more substantial than a potential meeting. It felt as though I had a ticking clock, and the time was slowly running out.
I attempted to focus while Cordelia talked about which vendors and merchants she liked and which bakeries made her favourite pastries and cakes. We walked the cobbled streets while I took in the signs and window displays. There was something lively about the atmosphere. Cordelia led me inside a merchant’s shop filled with trinkets and gifts.
How could it be that less than a year ago I would have risked my life to steal some of these things and now I could afford as many of them as I wanted? I couldn’t decide if it made me feel relieved or filled with guilt.
“Do you think I should get this for Jack?” she asked, holding up a small flask. I turned my attention to her from where I had been staring out the window at the people passing by in the street.
I contemplated the flask for a moment. It was silver with a decorated leather strap attached. The craftsmanship was impressive. A lovely gift indeed. I knew the two of them cared for each other, but it made my heart warm to see her this happy.
“I think he would really appreciate that, Cordelia.”
Her smile grew. “Great.” I waited while she purchased the flask and finally convinced her to take me to one of these bakeries that she kept raving about. I would, embarrassingly, admit that it was the best cake I’d ever had in my life and that I practically inhaled it. How had I managed so long without chocolate?
“You seem to be thriving here,” I commented when we made our way back to the carriage, Rhen’s arms full of small boxes filled with sweets and pastries.
“It sure is different from my life in Everness,” Cordelia agreed. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss it sometimes.” She gave a backward glance towards her brother. Rhen only gave her a small smile.
“Do you think you and Jack will ever get married?”
“He talks about it all the time.”
“But?” I nudged her to tell me more.
“But I think he’s afraid his station isn’t good enough. He’s always on about saving money and so forth.” She shrugged.
“He’s captain of the king’s guard.”
“He doesn’t have a title or assets. Starting a life of our own won’t be easy.” And while Jack was young now, what would happen when he grew too old to serve in the king’s army? Endless thoughts and questions raced through my mind, and though I knew it was none of my business, I wondered if I should speak to Cai about it. If he knew what Jack’s intentions with Cordelia were, he might find a way to help his friend.
“It will all work out,” I tried to reassure her. “You’ll see.”
* * *
I found myself walking into an empty dining room by the time lunch rolled around. Well, empty apart from one person lounging at the head of the table with a book in his hand.
“Hello, Lord Thatcher,” I greeted him sheepishly. I’d mostly tried to avoid his gaze during our first encounter but now I had a chance to fully inspect Cai’s friend. They shared a similar hair colour, but Thatcher had a wildness and ambition in his eyes that I couldn’t quite name.
“There is no need for such formalities, Your Majesty. Please just call me Thatcher,” he said, putting the book down and turning his attention to me.
“In that case, you can call me Elara.” It was strange introducing myself by my first name. But there was a sense of truthful relief to it. I could practically hear Rhen lecturing me that it was improper, but I didn’t really care. I was getting tired of being called “Your Majesty” all the time. It only managed to remind me of the massive responsibility I had to carry on my shoulders. “Are you having lunch by yourself?” I gestured to the empty room and half-dressed table.
Thatcher shrugged. “I was going to have lunch with Cai, but he’s decided to take lunch in his study instead.”
My stomach rumbled, the cake from earlier long forgotten.
“Would you care to join me, Your Majesty?” Thatcher asked, not calling me by my first name as I’d requested.
“Oh, I don’t know.” My hands involuntarily fidgeted behind my back.
“It would be an honour.” He seemed to catch onto my hesitation and called for a servant to set the table. Everything smelled so wonderful.
“Perhaps His Majesty might join us later,” he suggested hopefully, as a servant helped me into my seat.
“I’ve been meaning to see him all day, but I believe he had other plans this morning, so I explored the city with Lady Cordelia instead.”
“And what do you think of Norrandale thus far?”
“It’s beautiful. Everything feels so lively and full of colour. The people look really happy.”
Thatcher shrugged, taking a bite from the food on his plate. “Looks can be deceiving sometimes.”
“Oh, don’t I know that.” I almost laughed. A servant placed a plate full of food in front of me and I thanked him. In my peripheral vision, I saw Thatcher observing me. Probably because I was paying more attention to the servants than I should have. Let him stare . I knew what it was like to be even lower than palace servants. I knew how people treated you when you weren’t born with money and a title. They were no less human than I, and I wasn’t going to let propriety stop me from showing common decency.
“Are you suggesting some kind of trouble growing in the kingdom?” I asked.
“Every kingdom has its troubles as you well know, Your Majesty.” There was no arguing with that. “Though Cai isn’t quick to confide in anyone about the things he’s dealing with.”
“When I first got to know him, I honestly didn’t think he had a single problem in his life. He’s good at hiding his feelings.” It felt somewhat strange to talk to Thatcher, a man I hardly knew, about Cai. But, to my understanding, this was his oldest friend. Thatcher was like Cai’s brother. If there were anyone to discuss Cai with, it would be him.
“What was my friend like in Everness?”
“More...” I thought about it for a moment. “More carefree, I suppose.” I bit my lip. “He didn’t consider the future with every decision. He was more likely to follow his heart.”
“Sounds like him.” Thatcher nodded. “These days he’s working most of the time. I worry about him.”
I forced myself to eat more slowly and cleared my throat. “What about you?”
Thatcher had put his book away entirely by now. “What about me, Your Majesty?”
“Well, I know you’re Cai’s friend and I know you used to get into a lot of trouble when you were younger.”
A smile formed at my words.
“But other than that, I don’t know anything about you.”
He sucked in a breath and relaxed back into the chair. “I’m to inherit all of my father’s money and business. Though he does have excellent men running most of it, which leaves me more free time for...” He hesitated. “Certain pleasures.”
“Cai seems awfully fond of you.” I tried to steer the conversation.
“He’s like a brother. I’ve known him my whole life.”
“I have a friend like that,” I said, thinking about Ray. Wondering where he was and hoping that by some miracle he was still alive.
“I didn’t know queens had friends,” Thatcher replied coyly.
“Maybe you’re right.” I sighed, taking another bite. “Maybe we only have allies and enemies.”
“Perhaps.” He took hold of the nearest cup and started filling it from a porcelain jug. “But it would be awfully boring otherwise.”
“I could use a little boredom.” I chuckled. “In fact, I wouldn’t even mind a lot of boredom.”
“Well, you certainly won’t be bored if you marry Cai.” Seeing my expression, he added, “Forgive me, Your Majesty. Cai confided in me about the matter.”
“I see.” I couldn’t blame Cai for telling Thatcher but felt embarrassed, nonetheless.
“Don’t worry, Your Majesty.” He winked. “I won’t tell a soul.” He said it with enough sincerity that it made me feel a little bit better.
“Thank you. I appreciate it.”
“It’s none of my business anyway,” he continued. “Though I had to keep myself from giving that man a smack on the back of his head.”
“Why?” I frowned.
“I understand Cai needs to view everything from a political angle now. But some men would kill to marry a queen.”
“I suppose.” I shrugged. “Though not all men are fit to be king.” I thought back to Edgar wanting to blackmail me.
“Now that—” Thatcher raised his cup — “I couldn’t agree with more.”
“What are you reading?” I nodded towards the book on the table.
“Some old poetry collection. I didn’t want heavy reading material for lunch.”
“So, you decided on poetry?” I asked in slight surprise. I always thought poetry was to be examined, dissected even, read between the lines.
“You don’t prefer literature as a pastime, Your Majesty?”
“Not even if someone paid me.”
He laughed at my response. I dabbed my face with my napkin and pushed the chair back.
“Thank you for lunch. I’m going to see if I can find Cai.”
“It was my deepest pleasure. Thank you for keeping me company.” Thatcher picked up his book again.
I walked from the dining room to Cai’s study. It wasn’t the same one we’d spoken in when I’d proposed, and it took a while of searching and eventually awkwardly asking one of the servants. Why did this palace have to be so damn big? After much protesting, I’d finally been able to convince Rhen not to follow me around everywhere, that I was safe here. But it was difficult to find my way through all the halls and rooms.
I pushed open the door without knocking. Thankfully Cai didn’t have company.
I wouldn’t want to look like a complete fool... again. He looked up as I entered the room, his expression carrying uncertainty. Flashes of my dream came to mind and my eyes involuntarily travelled to his hands. I could still feel his breath against my skin.
Cai set down the papers that had been in his hands. “Lara. Please come in.” The study housed a large dark oak desk and many books lining the walls. I wondered if this had been King Eric’s study before it was Cai’s. Or had he chosen a different room, something that was his own? Regardless, there wasn’t much thought put into the decoration. It was simple and neat, suited to Cai.
“We need to talk.” I tried to keep my posture as straight and confident as possible. It felt like that was the only thing I’d been doing since arriving in Norrandale — trying to appear more confident than I actually was.
“Yes, of course.” He looked down at the papers on his desk and hesitated. “It’s only that now is not exactly a good time and—”
“Are you avoiding me, Cai?” I cut straight to the point.
“No, why would I be avoiding you?” he asked.
“I wanted to have breakfast with you this morning.” I stepped further into the study.
“I’m sorry, I was in a meeting,” Cai responded with sincerity.
“So I heard, and then I thought perhaps we might have lunch together.”
The study remained awkwardly quiet.
“But I see you’re busy.” He probably had many things on his plate, but was it too much to ask for a moment of his time? I turned to leave.
“Lara, wait!”
“Listen, Cai, I understand you have your priorities, but I have mine too, and whether I like it or not, you’re involved with that. I’m asking you to treat me like an equal and not a problem to be solved.”
“That was not my intention,” he responded swiftly.
“I believe you.” I sighed. He sat back in his chair. “But pushing me away is not going to make me leave. It’s not going to make any of this change.”
“I’m not trying to push you away. This is so much bigger than you and I. There are procedures and documents and protocol and—”
“I don’t care about the damn documentation, Cai. I just wanted an answer from you.”
“I . . . it’s not . . .” He stumbled over his words.
“Figure out what you want, Cai. I know why I’m here,” I said, walking out of the study.