71. Chapter 64
Chapter 64
I understand why people shatter now. Surviving, maintaining the tenuous hold on reality, when your soul is in tatters, is so much harder. Even after everything, though, I trusted him. I trusted Cole to be right, that I could survive this pain. He was the best of us, after all. How could he be wrong?
~Maeve Arden, A History of Flames
Maeve
Pain. That is all I am. A shattered piece of something grand. I’d thought that I’d understood pain the day that Hazel had walked into the Nothing. I’d imagined that there was no pain that could be worse than believing everyone I cared about was dead.
I was wrong. Agony flares to life inside me like a clock ticks the seconds. As regular as breathing, the jagged edges of my soul rip and slide against the pieces of Cole’s that were left behind. It feels like shards of glass scraping against each other with only my heart separating them.
Six hours after I watched Cole die, my heart is nothing but ribbons.
I can’t let the pain keep me from this, though. I can’t let him disappear into the flames without me being there. I’m strong enough to stand beside him for this final journey.
There is no till death do us part for soul bonds.
No, there is not. He’ll be waiting for me. He’ll always be waiting for me. Even if I live thousands of years, he’ll stand at the edge of the void. If he’s strong enough to do that, I’m strong enough to stand beside his pyre.
There are hundreds of other pyres built, and tonight the city of Draenyth will burn brighter than ever before. I don’t care. This is the last fire I’ll ever care about.
I look into Cole’s eyes one last time. The fiery orange that only ever appeared when he was truly happy is still there, never having burned away into the blue he was born with. I run my fingers over his cheek, only my nails grazing his skin.
Another wave of pain rolls through me, and my body tenses as if lightning were shooting through me. I grit my teeth through it, and it subsides. My heart still aches, but the unbearable pain that washes over me every few minutes passes.
“How did you know? How could you possibly have known?” The words come out as barely more than whispers. A thousand people surround me, looking up as I gaze into Cole’s eyes. They’re waiting for me to leave him so they can light the fire and go back to celebrating our victory .
I know we won. Rhion killed Gethin and told his men to stand down. A remarkably small number of humans and High Fae were killed compared to what all-out war would have done. It doesn’t feel like a victory to me—not when Cole is dead. When my world feels like it’s been ripped from me.
I can’t believe that I’ll never see him again. I’ll never kiss those beautiful lips. I’ll never feel the warmth of his body against mine. We’ve had so little time, and all of it was so filled with worry. We never had our time together to just be happy. Everyone else gets their happily ever after, but my happily ever after is about to be burned on a pyre.
“I should have run away with you. I should have let the world die. I know that there’s nothing I can do about it now, but if I could do it all over again, I’d let everyone die to save you, Cole.”
I don’t know why, but it seems wrong to say that even though it’s true. I feel like a whisper on the wind is begging me to be happy, to be thankful for his sacrifice.
“No,” I snarl. “I’ll never be happy you’re gone. No matter what everyone else gained, I’d rather have had you.”
The wind doesn’t respond. I don’t hear his voice any longer. Another wave of agony rolls through me, and tears finally begin to fall from my cheeks, splashing over the red linen he’s been wrapped in.
“I love you,” I whisper, trying my best to remember his face, including the smile that still hasn’t left it. I press my lips to his one last time, but there’s no heat there. He’s gone to wait for me at the edge of the void. This body is no more a part of him than the red gambeson he wore so often.
It’s time.
I take one more look at the body of the man that became my world and turn around. A thousand eyes are on me as I climb the ladder down from the top of the funeral pyre for the Prince of Flames. I walk the fifty feet to where Casimir stands. He holds a pitch covered torch, and in an instant, it comes alive with flames.
Every person who mattered to Cole is watching. Darian and Lee. Casimir. Nevan. Sia. Bog and Rivertail and Lirael and all the rest of Aerwyn. Rhion. Echo and the rest of the shadow walkers. Mari and all the rest of the forgotten people from Draenyth he helped, expecting nothing in return.
Those were the people that mattered to him , but he meant something to so many more. The rest of the salamanders. The drakelings that hover just outside the crowd, their massive bodies sitting on stone buildings. The humans that admired him. The general populace that now knows he’s the reason they’ll be able to have children again. There are hundreds of funeral pyres tonight, but it will forever be known as the night that Cole Cyrus, the savior of Nyth, burned for the last time.
All those people are silent now. Minutes ago, they might have been ready to get back to their drinking and celebrating, but right now, they remember why they left the taverns to see this. I lay the torch against the line of pitch that runs up and around the pyre, and it catches instantly. I hesitate for a moment, embracing the heat again, and I know deep down that this will be the last time that I feel that heat. No fire will ever feel like this again.
The flames grow in size and strength until they singe the dress I wear. Even then, I don’t pull away. I want the fire to take me with it. I want to feel it consume me. The ladder back to the top of the pyre calls to me, and everything in me wants to climb it even as the flames consume it. I want to lie down beside my husband and hold his hand as we’re both taken to the void.
The tally mark on my wrist burns. The scent of his magic fills the air, overshadowing even the burning pine. Spiced amber. The scent that I clung to from the very beginning. It’s him.
The burn on my wrist reminds me of my debt. It reminds me of the burn of his flames like I felt so many times while we trained.
I pull away from the pyre and remind myself that he’s not completely gone. He still lingers in that tally mark. He’s still a part of me, and I swore I would stay strong long enough to see Nyth fixed.
So I smile as I stand next to Casimir and watch his son’s body burned. He doesn’t say a word, but I can see the smile and the tears on his cheeks that match mine. Not so long ago, I thought he was a monster. I thought there wasn’t anyone in the world that I wanted to hurt more than him. I was wrong.
He made mistakes, but so have we all. I hurt Cole more than Casimir ever did, and he forgave me. “I can’t believe he’s gone,” he whispers as the smoke curls up high into the night sky.
“Me neither. But he is.” It’s a truth that I can’t believe I’m saying.
There’s a silence in the air even as the bonfire in front of us roars. It’s fitting. That was Cole when I met him, after all. All flames and no talk. He was nearly silent for weeks when we were walking to Draenyth. Every word was carefully measured before he said it.
We learned to live in the gap between the words. We learned to enjoy that silence together. And tonight, I watch the fire as he did so many times without saying anything. Casimir and I stand together as the flames consume the best person either of us has ever known.
The rest of the crowd slowly walk away, going back to their parties. They give their respects and thanks, and they leave the fire. They forget the dead that sacrificed for them and go back to the living that they want to spend time with.
Until there are only a few dozen of us left. The ones that Cole cared about. Even Rhion is there. We huddle together, none of us wanting to talk and none of us actively looking for anyone else. But we need to know that there are other people like us, other people that can’t forget the man who changed us all. The man who gave everything for us.
The pyre collapses, spraying embers everywhere, and none of us tries to protect ourselves. The burns on our clothing and skin are just a painful reminder of the Prince of Flames. I relish the pain of those embers just as I would give anything to feel his flames on my body one more time.
None of us are crying anymore, but we remain.
And then Sia touches my shoulder. In his last moments, Cole asked me to show you something. Would you like to see it?
I turn to her, and the wall of emotions breaks inside me. I’d held back everything for hours as I gave myself to watching the flames burn. I knew I would mourn him later, but this wasn’t about that. This was about remembering the man he was rather than living with the pain he left behind.
“Please,” I whisper as the tears flow again.
She smiles, and I can see the salty trails that run down her cheek as well. Then everything is gone. The pyre. The city. The people. Sia’s brought me to a vision, and I know it.
It’s the day that he trained me with the spear for the first time. He broke so many of my bones that day. I stand on the sand a few feet away from an image of him and an image of myself, weaker, with no shadows leaking from my body. The Forgotten Ring is still on my finger. Cole looks less exhausted.
The sand of the training grounds is on everything. It climbs my legs and clings to the spear where my sweaty hands have left it damp. And Cole is smiling.
The image of me asks , “How’d you keep training? How’d you keep getting better every day? You didn’t have a father to lean on. There wasn’t anyone forcing you to keep getting up every day. Your life was terrible, and the only one forcing you to work this hard was yourself. Why? You hated everyone.”
I remember asking that. I remember wondering how anyone could keep fighting when you felt so alone.
He smiles at me, not at the image of a younger me. “I didn’t hate everyone. I loved Darian and Lee like family should. I cared about Nevan. I even cared about Rhion, Maeve. We’re not responsible for our fathers’ mistakes, and I knew, deep down, that eventually I would be put to the test. I would have to protect the people and things that mattered. I would need to be strong enough to do the hard things, to fight battles only I could win. So I trained. I fought for the ones that I loved.”
I remember him telling me that. I remember it making sense before, but the vision changes from a memory and becomes something different—a message from him. The last thing he’ll ever say to me. “Now it’s your turn, Maeve. You swore you wouldn’t let yourself be consumed by the darkness again. You promised me you wouldn’t break. Don’t let this world we’ve worked so hard to protect fail because you’re not here. Do as I did. Train. See me at the end of your spear, pushing you forward. Become the strongest Immortal ever to live. Teach Echo to be strong. Show Rhion what it is to be compassionate. Help my father choose a new Conduit. Be strong for the ones I’m leaving behind because I can’t be strong for them anymore.
“I love you, Maeve. More than anything in the world. I will wait for you. There is no till death do us part for soul bonds, and I will stand on the edge of the void waiting for you. I will never stop loving you, never stop waiting for you. Not even the void can pull me away from you.”
The tears fall down my cheeks unchecked, and I whisper, “But it hurts too much.”
“Pain is good, Maeve. Embrace it like I did. Like you did when you rebuilt your soul. Embrace the pain and remember that it’s me that caused it. You’re stronger than I ever was. I wish I could help you carry the weight as you helped me, but I can’t. Let some of the others carry the weight too. Darian and Lee. Rhion. Echo. You are not alone, Maeve. Carry it as far and as long as you can, and I’ll be waiting for you on the other side. I love you.”
“I love you too,” I whisper. “Forever.”
The image fizzles and I slowly realize that I’m not standing in the training room in the House of Flames. The funeral pyre is still burning behind me, and I’m staring into Sia’s eyes. Tears rain down my cheeks, and the wind that feeds the fire behind me carries them away.
“Thank you,” I say, my voice barely a whisper. It doesn’t matter, though. She’s listening to my mind more than my words.
Maeve, he’s right. You’re not all alone. I don’t know you well, but I know Cole better than anyone else, except maybe you. He would want me to be here for you. He was terrified of anything happening to you once he was gone. He gave me a chance to be happy in this world, and I’d do anything to help him, even now. I am forever at your service, Queen Maeve. Whatever you need.
I nod to her, thankful that she delivered the message, but not sure I can think about anything other than Cole right now. Another tremor of pain makes my body tense up, and I grit my teeth.
You are not the first person who has lost someone soul bound to them. I have felt the pains before. I can… help you talk to him again. I can show you memories, or even memories that have never occurred.
A sob rises in my throat. “Thank you,” I say and turn back to the bonfire, my emotions even more ragged than before, and I watch my world burn to ash.
Hours pass, and I don’t move from my place. Many other people, even Lee and Rhion, leave. I don’t care. Their friend died. My world did. They are not the same.
When the last flame sputters out and the dawn peeks its head over the horizon, I walk toward the pyre and choose a fist-sized red-hot ember. I pick it up, and the sound of my skin sizzling is far more distracting than the pain of it. At this point, nothing can compare to the agony in my breast.
I notice Casimir staring at me, the only other person to stay until the last bit of flames had died out. “What are you doing?” he asks.
“This is the last piece of Cole’s fire,” I say. “I don’t know why, but I need it. I need to keep this piece of him.”
Casimir nods, but he doesn’t say anything. As I walk back toward the House of Flames, he doesn’t ask questions. I can’t shadow walk right now. The thought of desire or revulsion seems impossible. There is only one thing that makes sense to me. I need to get to Cole’s chambers because they smell like him. I need to breathe him in again, and maybe then I’ll know what to do next.