Chapter 9
CHAPTER 9
Day frowned as she watched the man shove his way through the crowd. She hadn’t been able to hear exactly what he’d said, but she’d gotten the gist. He was selecting himself and taking the choice from her.
He was about to find out she didn’t play that way.
She looked over at Charlotte and Kori, who were standing off to the side, waiting to see if she needed any help. Serena Dean-Miles had been assisting until her big gorgeous brute of a Dom had explained that she had a meeting in the principal’s office.
“I want that man taken out of here,” she said to Kori. “Do we have bouncers?”
Kori nodded. “Sure we do, but I think they’re going to make you take care of this one.”
It wasn’t her club, but this was her scene and she meant to make things clear. She was in charge and she would select her volunteer. It certainly wouldn’t be some mouthy brat of a beast with no manners.
Oh, god, it was Kash.
She turned and there he was, stepping up the stairs. Another man put a hand out. She’d been introduced to Harrison Keen only moments before. She’d thought she would probably use him as her test subject. He was a lovely man, six foot with plenty of muscle. He was perfect to show her techniques off on.
“Hey, the Mistress gets to decide, asshole. Have you ever been in a club in your life?” Harrison was asking.
“Have you ever been thrown into a damn hellhole of a prison because you touched a powerful king’s wife? I have this prison. Well, they might have turned it into a tourist attraction, but I can build a new one.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Keen shook his head.
That was her Kash. He could make some of the oddest threats she’d ever heard, and he didn’t mind going medieval on people. Was he here to haul her off the stage? When she’d agreed to do the demo, she’d chosen to do it for herself, to have some fun and relax. Not to give Kash the middle finger. She’d thought about it and decided she wouldn’t do it for revenge. Only for herself. She’d suspected he wouldn’t even realize she was here. She’d thought he would have found some delicate sub and settled in for the night, and seeing them together would finally make her understand that her marriage was over before it had truly begun.
Of course, she might find out her husband was here to treat her like some child who couldn’t make a decision for herself.
Kash hoisted himself up onto the stage, his body moving with the elegant grace of a panther. How could he seriously think that a tiny mask could hide his beauty? Anyone who knew him would know the brilliance of his eyes, the straight, square line of his jaw, those sexy broad shoulders.
She put her hands on her hips, completely unwilling to give up her space. He could reject her, but he wasn’t taking this from her. She leaned in, making sure she couldn’t be heard. “Kash, I’m not hurting anyone. I’ve got my mask on. No one knows it’s me.”
“I know it’s you. I’ll know it if you play with another man, and then I think our cover will be blown because I will kill the man. I have diplomatic immunity, but it could still cause problems and Big Tag would be upset. No one is getting topped by you but me.” He loomed over her.
She wanted it more than anything, but how could she believe it? “You’ll hate me when it’s over.”
His jawline softened. “I could never hate you.”
She wasn’t so sure about that. “I think it’s a mistake. We don’t have a contract. You were right. I should have sat down with you and explained everything.”
“That seems dull. If you had tried that, I would have gotten bored. I am easily distracted these days and it’s all my own fault. I’ve let my mind go to waste. I know it’s an easy thing to do when you’re in a body this beautiful, but it’s been pointed out to me lately that I let the world down when I don’t also exercise my gorgeous brain. I will stop playing so many video games and join you in your morning reading.”
She shook her head. “Kash, everyone will be watching you.”
He frowned. “Of course they will. Have you seen my body? It’s stunning. I am a man in his peak physical condition, and more than that, I am a king, blessed with the body of a god. I’ve been told I have a glow about me.”
Who the hell was this? This was the Kash she remembered, the Kash who joked about his own arrogance. The Kash who’d been such a good friend, who’d caught her heart. Still, he couldn’t have changed overnight. “I can’t go through that again. I’ll go up to our room and we can talk about this. It’s what we should have done the first time.”
He shook his head. “I don’t want to talk. I won’t understand that way. I have to see a thing, to feel it, to experience it. I might get angry later, but I won’t be angry with you. I’ll be irritated with myself. I wasn’t raised to be comfortable with something like this, but I don’t want to take this from you. Let me be your submissive tonight. We’re among friends, and none of them will talk. I don’t have to be the king. I can be someone else, someone who can give you what you need.”
It was all she could ask for, but she still found it hard to trust. “Why are you really doing this? You know I’m not going to have sex with another man.”
His lips curled up ever so slightly, and he stared at her with something akin to wonder on his face. “Because I never thought you would look so beautiful, so sexy as a Domme. Because I want to be what you need, even if it’s only for an hour or so. I want to pretend we’re not fighting and that I can let go for a while.”
There was a tension to his shoulders that told her he was still worried about it, a stiffness to the way he held himself that let her know the fight wasn’t over. But if they never tried, if she didn’t let him bend because she was so afraid he would break, they couldn’t possibly know if it could work.
She could go easy on him. After all, this was merely a demo. She wasn’t about to lead him into some crazy sexual sadism. She was teaching other club members how to safely secure their subs. She didn’t need to make him kiss her feet or to slap his ass.
She turned to the crowd. “Thank you all for your patience and thank you to all who were willing to volunteer. This lovely man will serve as my submissive this evening. Let me start by showing you how I’ve set up the rigging. Darling, you can kneel in the middle of the stage and wait for your turn.”
His eyes tightened as though the command rankled, but he turned and took his place. Kash dropped to his knees and she began.
Four hours later, she walked through the dungeon, her mask off finally. It was funny how when she’d taken it off in the locker room, she’d barely recognized the woman looking back at her from the mirror. That woman seemed to have aged a bit, her glow dulled by regret.
She should have stayed in her room, given him more time.
The club was closed and the space quiet now. She wondered if Kash had changed and gone back to his room. He’d been quiet, too. Contemplative. During the demonstration, he’d been completely compliant, offering her nothing but his obedience, but she hadn’t felt any joy from him. There had been no relaxing into the moment. He’d been an automaton, easy to use, but there had been no connection between them.
She stopped at the stage where she’d briefly had some hope. It was gone now, and she had to ask herself some hard questions.
Could she live without this the rest of her life? Could she give it up and truly be happy? Could she be happy without Kash?
“You didn’t change.”
She stopped, taking a deep breath because he’d startled her. She’d thought she was the last one left downstairs. “I was down in the locker room talking to Kori and her friend Sarah. I didn’t have clothes down there. I changed up in my bedroom. I didn’t think it would be seemly to walk around the club in nothing but a towel.”
“Some people walk around here perfectly naked. I don’t think anyone would mind.” He was sitting on one of the spanking benches. The whole place had been cleaned by a group of efficient submissives and one or two tops who helped supervise them. Even when they were cleaning, they’d still played with the tops, offering up saucy comments that led to playful swats.
This was a place of happiness, and yet she felt so damn hollow.
“It would feel odd after-hours. There’s something magical about the club when it’s all lit up, something that lends itself to fantasy. Now it’s back to reality.” Back to figuring out what to do about their marriage. “Do you want to walk up with me? I can change and make us some tea. We should talk.”
He was silent for a moment, his head hanging low. “I didn’t like it, Day.”
Her heart constricted. There was no anger left inside her, only a deep sense of loss. She moved toward him, putting her hands on his shoulders. “I know. I’m so sorry I put you through it. I shouldn’t have. I pushed you. That’s why we need to talk.”
He groaned and swung his legs, jumping down from the bench. “You people talk too much. I’ve decided to forgive you for not talking to me about this in the first place, Day. You were right. I hate the talking.”
She held her hands up. “All right. I won’t mention it again, but we have to make some decisions and soon.”
He stood in front of her. “What kind of decisions? Whether or not you leave me? Why do you need this so much?”
How to explain it to him? “It’s a part of me.”
It was a part of him, too. She was so sure of it, but it couldn’t work if he never let himself be.
“I was embarrassed. I didn’t like all those people watching me like that.”
“Yet you don’t mind having five or six sex tapes on the Internet at any given time.” The words slipped from her mouth. Maybe she was still angry.
He shrugged as though none of it bothered him at all. Not the sex tapes. Not the million and one articles about his rampaging hormones. The only thing that bothered him was the one thing she needed. “The sex tapes are normal.”
Frustration welled inside her. “This is normal, Kash. You use that word like it has meaning. And unless you’ve got the last name Kardashian or make your living off porn, I assure you having a bunch of sex tapes out in the public domain isn’t something most people do.”
He stared at her for a moment. “You’re jealous.”
She shook her head, ready to end this blasted evening. “Believe what you want to believe, Kash. I’m going to bed.”
“I was embarrassed,” he said quietly.
Which was exactly why this could never work. She stopped. The last week suddenly seemed so much longer than a mere seven days. “Like I said, I won’t ask this of you again. I didn’t ask this of you tonight. You volunteered.”
“Because I was jealous.”
She sighed. She’d known it at the time, known better than to allow it to continue. But the idea that he was willing to try had been far too tantalizing. “I told you I wasn’t going to have sex.”
He leaned against the bench. “Then what’s the point? Explain it to me. I’ve been sitting out here for hours trying to figure it out. I don’t want this, Day. I don’t want a wall between us, but I can’t seem to find a way around it. I tried tonight.”
He had. She’d watched him struggle with it, completely unable to come up with a way to connect to him. When she’d tried stroking him, he tensed up. When she’d softened her words, she got the same response. “I know and it didn’t work. It’s not your fault.”
She was fighting against years of ingrained belief that he couldn’t be a man and show weakness. Oh, he could show drunkenness or promiscuity and still be a man. He could act like an idiot at a party, but this was forbidden. To show this kind of vulnerability was not something he could do and might never be able to accept about himself.
Was she willing to live without a piece of herself? Could she take that part of her soul and wrap it up and put it in a closet somewhere, never to be taken out again? She wasn’t at all sure she could.
“I don’t want you unhappy,” he said quietly.
She reached for his hand. “And I don’t want you unhappy.”
Kash brought her hand to his chest, placing it over his heart. “Do I let you go? I don’t want that, either. If we divorce, I’ll be back in the position of giving up my throne. Maybe that’s for the best. Maybe we should think about abolishing the crown altogether.”
And give the power over to a group of men who thought women should stay in the house and not make waves? Who argued with her over whether or not girls should be educated? “Why are you questioning this? You’re a good king.”
“I haven’t been good for five years,” he said, his tone weary. He let her hand go and started to pace, his body moving with a restless energy. “I shut down after my project blew up. I told myself it was all my fault and I gave up. That’s what I was thinking about tonight. I tried to clear my damn head, but I couldn’t because I knew everyone was watching me.”
Was that really what the problem had been? He’d never shown any issues with their play before, but then they’d always been alone. It was only when Tasha had threatened to out them that he’d flipped out and lost his damn mind.
What would one of the world’s most famous men need to relax, to center himself? Would he need one thing for himself? One piece of his life that was utterly private?
“Kash, stop pacing. Sit down, for a moment, please.” She eased behind him as he lowered himself to the bench, the expression on his face still and sullen. “Can you give me a few minutes? I want to try something. This isn’t sexual play. This isn’t me being your top. Just for a few moments, let me be your wife.”
“I don’t know what that means, Day.”
She needed to show him. She eased the leather vest off his shoulders and put her hands there, stroking out and away, as though she could brush the tension from him. “It means whatever we need it to mean. It means that sometimes I need you to stop being the king for a while and let yourself be a man.”
“I don’t get to be a man. I can be a celebrity. I can be a king, but I can’t be just a man.”
That was where he was wrong. She started in on his shoulders, finding the pressure points and easing them. And perhaps this was where she’d gone wrong. She hadn’t given him true aftercare because the scene had been so stilted and rushed. Day leaned over and kissed the back of his neck. “Who told you that?”
He breathed deeply and she could feel him starting to relax. “My father. He didn’t tell me. He told Shray. He told me I could be anything I wanted because I didn’t matter, though he didn’t use those words, exactly. I got the gist.”
She worked her way down one muscled arm and toward his hand. “I doubt he meant it like that. I know he loved you.”
“Did he? Perhaps then, but I know I wasn’t the one he taught to be king, and I screwed everything up.”
“Because of what happened at the lab?”
He nodded slowly, but already she could see how much easier he was breathing, how he’d started to let her lead his body. “I should have been more careful. I should have known.”
She massaged down his other arm. Sometimes he was like a giant tiger and he needed to be petted or he roared and roared. He needed to be eased into real intimacy because he distrusted it so. “I should have known someone would steal my car last year. I should have known that walking in that parking garage late at night would be a mistake. It’s my fault he stole my purse, too.”
Kash moved quickly, turning and catching her hand. His eyes were cold as ice. “Who?”
Another mistake. She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “He knocked me down and took my car. The police found it on the beach two days later. They never caught the man. Was that my fault, Kash?”
He frowned but eased up on her wrist, turning and offering his back again. Such a touchy tiger. “Of course not.”
She smoothed her palms down his back, sending a shudder through him. “Should I have not driven again?”
“No. You should not have. Had we been married at the time, I would have escorted you everywhere. Your lovers were quite lazy if they did not. Nor should you have been allowed to walk alone at night, and I will ensure that you have all the bodyguards. Women, of course, fierce women who would slaughter anyone who dares to look at you.”
She groaned but wrapped her arms around him. She loved him. So much. This was the Kash she adored. Why couldn’t he see that he could be anything he wanted to be when they were alone? “I didn’t have a lover at the time. And don’t change the subject. What happened wasn’t your fault, but how you reacted to it was.”
He leaned back into her. “You’re not the first person to point that out to me.” His head rested back, bringing their cheeks together. “I don’t want to think right now. I want you touching me. I want you needing me.”
Longing rushed in again. How easy it was to turn the tide. “I always need you.”
“Tell me what you want me to do.” He whispered the words. “Tell me how to please you. I won’t think anymore. I won’t think about eyes being on me or my past sins. If you tell me to stop, I can do it now. We’re alone.”
“Are you ashamed of how I make you feel?”
He sat up straight, letting go of her hands, and she could feel the distance between them. “We should go to bed. You were right. We have to talk about this. We have to find a way to work through our differences because I need you to understand that we can’t go on like this.”
She wanted so badly to reach out to him, to have not ended the moment, but the thought of something sacred to her being a dirty secret for him wasn’t manageable.
“Your Majesties,” a deep voice said, and the bodyguard on duty stepped into the space. Wade Rycroft was a huge man with a slow Texas accent. She’d spoken to him a few times, enjoying his stories of living on a ranch with five brothers and more cattle than one could count. Now, though, his usually jovial face was set in deep lines.
Kash stood, stepping in front of her as though the man was going to hurt her somehow. Or perhaps he was embarrassed by the way she was dressed. “Yes?”
“I’ve been informed there’s a problem back in Loa Mali,” he explained. “Your mother has been hospitalized. We’ve got a private jet waiting to take you back.”
His hand was suddenly in hers again. Though his face showed no expression at all, he tangled their fingers together. “Of course. We’ll be down in a moment.”
She followed him silently upstairs, wondering what the next few days would cost her husband.