Chapter 28 – CARTER
28
CARTER
A nna and I must have looked like we survived the fucking apocalypse, me in nothing but my boots and boxers with my bloody fists and face. Her in the sweats and sweater Summer gave me. I carried her from the motel room to my car, setting her down in the passenger seat like she was made of glass and could shatter at any second.
“Can I take you back to my villa?”
“Anywhere but here.”
Once I pulled out of the motel, she grabbed my hand and didn’t let go. I hated getting Josh’s filthy blood on her pristine skin, but I’d wash it off her later. I’d wash as much of him away from her as I possibly could. I’d spend forever doing it if I needed to.
When we made it back to my place, we both stripped our clothes off and left them at the door. Anna said nothing as she went up to the shower and made the water scalding hot. She didn’t protest when I followed her into the oversized glass stall and used my body wash to scrub every part of her, until her skin was rubbed clean. Only then did I wash myself, cleaning away every last trace of her ex.
I couldn’t take the silence any longer after I got her dressed and into the bed, propping the pillows around her like a fortress or a throne.
“Talk to me, baby.”
She picked at the skin around her thumb and I placed my hand gently over hers, stopping her.
Her throat bobbed. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t—I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.”
“Stop thinking about how you’re supposed to feel. Tell me how you do feel. It doesn’t have to be right, Anna. Not when everything is wrong.”
“How did you find me?”
“His father’s company bought that motel, but before that I searched every seedy fucking dump in this state looking for you. I’m just…I’m sorry it took me so long.”
There was an odd smile on her lips. It grew and she giggled madly, letting out the pent up feelings of it all, covering her mouth. Until the laughter started to turn back to crying and her throat thickened as she tried to hold it in.
“Shouldn’t we be calling the police?”
It was my turn to smile. Paulson’s guys were already cleaning up the mess. They’d make Josh vanish, but his corpse wouldn’t even touch the ocean. Knowing any part of him was somewhere under the water when I looked out over our beach would ruin the view.
No.
Better to burn him. I had a pal with a line to an incinerator at a mortuary. He’d take Josh off our hands. Fucker owed me a favor or two anyway.
“Come on,” I said, ignoring her question. She might not like the answer. “Let’s sit on the balcony, get some air, yeah?”
She nodded, letting me help her into the swinging macrame seat overlooking the beach.
“Carter?” she asked, her gaze never straying from the beach as she spoke.
“Hmm?”
A single tear fell onto her cheek and my insides twisted up.
“Six years ago…” She trailed off.
I waited.
“Did you take a bribe from my dad?”
“I did,” I said and felt her break all over again, even if she kept an even expression.
“I did something,” I started to explain. “You remember how my dad was gone for a while? Well, he came back.”
The memory was so fresh, I could still remember the feel of that fucking hammer. I clenched my fists, the ground feeling like it was starting to move under me.
“What happened?”
I wrenched my eyes open to look at her. She was looking at me now, that adorable knot between her brows.
“I killed him.”
Her lips parted, betraying her surprise.
“That’s when he showed up, and it wasn’t the first time. I should’ve told you your father came by when it first happened. He tried to pay me off to break up with you. I said no. Of course, I said no. But after that…he was having our house watched, waiting for just the right moment and I handed it to him on a silver fucking platter.”
I wasn’t looking at her. I didn’t want to see the moment where she stopped just hating me and started fearing me too. I wouldn’t be able to take that.
“I was screwed. They barged in and I was—I was crouched over him with the fucking hammer in my hands and his—his fucking head was all…”
“The photos,” she muttered to herself and my jaw ached from clenching so hard. He fucking showed her.
I licked my dry lips, needing to explain. Make her understand.
“If I went to prison, there would’ve been no one to help my Ma. She would have died alone and in pain and probably starving. After the shit she’d already been through…”
“Oh my god.”
“I regret it,” I told her. “But it bought my Ma one more good year before the cancer came back and took her.”
“He blackmailed you.”
“Pretty slick, honestly. I can tell why he’s been so successful in his political career.”
She didn’t say anything for a few moments.
“Your mother’s treatment,” she said finally. Smart girl.
“That was the original offer. As much money as I needed for my mother’s treatment at the best hospital in the city, no matter how long it took. All I had to do was give you. The second offer came with an extra payoff that meant I could give her comfort and stability, too.”
She went quiet again. I wanted her to say something, but I wasn’t sure that I really wanted her feedback, now that she knew. She stood up, pacing.
That wave from six years ago hit me again. It was smaller, didn’t knock the air out of my chest like last time, but it was still the same. The feeling that I had made the biggest mistake of my life and that the only person I cared about besides my mother was gone.
“I tried to figure out where you went. Each year you didn’t come back, I was searching. You took something from me when you went.”
She stopped pacing. “And you took nothing from me?”
“That’s not what I?—”
“When I left, I did a double take at every tall, brown-haired guy I saw because I thought they were you. I tried so fucking hard to get away from it, to forget you but never did. So, yeah, sorry if I don’t feel bad that you were hurting.”
I scoffed, looking down. I deserved that.
“You shouldn’t. It’s on me. All of it.”
…but if you let me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
She sighed loudly, looking down at the ground.
“I always knew my dad was a bastard, but I didn’t know this was his fault too. Whenever I think he can’t cross the line again, he jumps right over it.”
She pinched the bridge of her nose. “But he offered to save your mother’s life. I can’t be upset that you chose the way you did.”
I stood, walking over to her.
“Are you still here?”
Her eyebrows went up.
“With me? I’m in love with you, Anna. It’s been six years and I’m not going to stop. I need to know that you—” I flagged, my throat getting tight. I rubbed my hands over her arms. “I need to know that I didn’t lose you.”
Her lips were pressed together, but she didn’t look scared, or angry or disgusted. She looked calm. Hurt. Tired.
“What happens now?”
“Now,” I sighed. “You know everything. If you want, you can go to the cops, the press, whoever you want and ruin my life.”
Her pupils shook.
“Or…”
“Or what?”
“Or you could stay here with me.”
“Carter, I?—”
“Stay,” I begged, kissing her cheek, close to her ear, her neck. “ Stay .”