20. Cali
CALI
CALI: Fine. I'm asking.
RONAN: Good morning, Ms. Meadows.
CALI: If you're waiting for a "good morning" back, don't hold your breath. you're on thin ice, buster.
CALI: I'm only texting because the note said to ask.
RONAN: Ask what, exactly?
CALI: you’re going to make me type it
RONAN: I’m going to make you type it.
CALI: UGH. fine.
CALI: What do you see?
Ronan is typing…
RONAN: I see the woman who looked at a glass tank hanging off the edge of a building last night and jumped in first. Then dared me to follow.
RONAN: I see a mouth made for saying rude things. I see beauty that refuses to see itself.
RONAN: You are beautiful, Calista Meadows.
RONAN: That's day one.
CALI: Day one of WHAT
RONAN: Of every day. As stated in the note. I keep my terms.
CALI: Oh we are NOT skipping to terms. We are starting with the part where you committed a FELONY.
RONAN: Which felony?
CALI: THE brEAKING AND ENTERING ONE
RONAN: Nothing was broken.
CALI: That's not the legal standard and you know it. You're a lawyer.
RONAN: Then I'm guilty of entering. At most. And I'd argue implied consent.
CALI: Implied HOW
RONAN: You fell asleep in my shirt.
CALI: That is not a legal doctrine!!
RONAN: It should be.
CALI: My security cameras are missing four hours and twenty-four minutes of footage, Ronan.
RONAN: Cameras are unreliable. Especially the ones your ex-husband installed. He bought the cheapest model with the most menacing-looking housing. That tells you everything about the man.
CALI: I want my mirrors back.
RONAN: No.
CALI: Excuse me??
RONAN: They're safe. They're being kept in comfortable conditions.
CALI: Comfortable conditions? They're MIRRORS.
RONAN: [Image attached]
CALI: Did you just send me a PROOF OF LIFE photo of my own bathroom mirror
RONAN: It's leaning against a very nice wall. Climate controlled. It's happier than it's ever been.
CALI: I'm calling the police.
RONAN: You made pancakes instead.
CALI: …How do you know I made pancakes.
CALI: RONAN.
RONAN: Cameras aren't always unreliable. For instance, I know you burned one.
CALI: TWO, actually, and both of those pancakes are on your conscience, because I was distracted rereading a certain note like a lunatic.
RONAN: Good.
CALI: GOOD?
RONAN: I wanted it read more than once.
CALI: You know what else is on your conscience? I had to do my entire face in the front camera of my phone this morning. Propped against the toothbrush holder. I look like I lost a fight with a raccoon.
RONAN: Send me a photo.
CALI: Absolutely not.
RONAN: Then I'll assume you look beautiful, which is what I would have concluded from the photo anyway, so we've saved time.
CALI: …
CALI: That's very efficient flirting.
RONAN: I'm a serious man.
CALI: Fine. Counteroffer. I want to negotiate terms for the mirrors' release.
RONAN: Now you're speaking my language.
CALI: One mirror returned per date. You have five dates left in the trial period. Five mirrors.
RONAN: Rejected.
CALI: You can't just say rejected!
RONAN: I just did. Counteroffer: you text me every morning. I tell you what I see. When you believe me—actually believe me, not politely tolerate me—the mirrors come home. All of them. Same night.
CALI: I don't negotiate with terrorists.
RONAN: Then you'll never get far in this life.
CALI: Ugh. Who decides when I "actually believe" you? You? The man holding the mirrors?
RONAN: No. You do. You're the only honest party in this entire arrangement. I trust your data.
CALI: …You can't keep doing that.
RONAN: Doing what?
CALI: Saying something outrageous and then following it with something that makes me me swoon. It's whiplash. I'm going to need a neck brace.
RONAN: I'll buy you a beautiful one.
CALI: DO NOT buy me anything. I'm still processing the forty-one thousand dollars.
CALI: Speaking of things I'm still processing. You called me kotyonok in the pool. Direct violation of the Front Stoop Accords.
RONAN: You were distracted. I took my chance.
CALI: I googled it, you know.
RONAN: And?
CALI: It means KITTEN. I am not a kitten, Ronan. You said it yourself. I'm a sand tiger shark. Entirely without mercy.
RONAN: The two aren't mutually exclusive.
CALI: Does that make me a shark kitten?
RONAN: Yes. A creature with teeth that lets almost no one close enough to hear her purr. Yes. Exactly that.
CALI: I'm putting the phone in the freezer now.
RONAN: Before you do: Are you still wearing my shirt?
CALI: No.
RONAN: Liar.
CALI: You don't know that. Or did you actually hack my cameras?
RONAN: I don't need footage. You pressed the collar to your face this morning before you got out of bed.
CALI: I DID NOT
CALI: okay fine maybe i did
CALI: how
CALI: HOW
RONAN: Because it's what I would have done, if the shirt smelled like you.
CALI: Okay. Wow. See, THAT. That's the whiplash. Neck brace. I'm invoicing you.
RONAN: I'll pay it same day.
RONAN: You're not the only one still thinking about last night, you know.
CALI: Oh I'm not, am I? what specifically has stuck in that stubborn head of yours
RONAN: All of it. I remember everything about you, kotyonok.
CALI: Such as???
RONAN: The rest of my answer isn't appropriate for a Sunday morning when your mother is due in thirty-five minutes.
CALI: I have to go. My mother has a radar and if I answer the door grinning like this she will interrogate me until Christmas.
RONAN: Tell her the truth.
CALI: Which is?
RONAN: That you met a man who intends to tell you you're beautiful every day until you believe him, and that this morning was day one.
CALI: She'd have you investigated.
RONAN: She's welcome to try.
RONAN: Until tomorrow, Ms. Meadows.
***
11:09 P.M.
TODD (DO NOT ANSWER): Cali. I know it’s late. We need to talk about the company.
TODD (DO NOT ANSWER): Whoever this lawyer of yours is, call him off. I’m serious. You have no idea who you’re dealing with.
TODD (DO NOT ANSWER): Cali??
Read 11:10 P.M.