Chapter 34
CHAPTER
THIRTY-FOUR
EMERSON
The next three weeks flew by with papers, practice, and a weird popularity on campus. I wasn’t quite sure how to handle it yet. Years of waiting for the shoe to drop had me constantly looking around the corner for the boogeyman to jump out and scare me. Which maybe wasn’t all that unrealistic since I had a stalker… not that he’d made his presence known since that first home game.
The night air buzzed with excitement and celebration as the Hayward Wolves clinched another win, bringing their record to 5-0. It was the team’s best start to a season in years, and everyone at Hayward was feeling it. The last two games had been away, so I’d worked those Saturdays at Ember since the Wolfettes didn’t travel with the team.
I told myself it was to make more money, but really, it was so I didn’t obsess over the game. I hadn’t ever cared about football prior to this year. And while I didn’t necessarily care about the sport all that much, watching Holden and Colter play was sublime.
All the possessive, demanding, and obsessive tendencies Holden had in real life transformed him on the field. There was no doubt he commanded the field. There wasn’t a player on it who wasn’t drawn to him. And the way he and Colter communicated was breathtaking.
And if they worked that well together in the bedroom… Fan self. I wasn’t sure my pussy would survive.
The team slapped one another, whooping and cheering their win. I stood rubbing my poms back and forth like the other girls, but my gaze was locked on the QB. I told myself I wouldn’t do it. I wouldn’t put myself in this situation where I waited for him to show me… something . The first game I’d danced at, he’d held my gaze at the end like he was telling me I mattered to him. I was probably overthinking it, and it hadn’t meant anything.
But here we were, at the end of the game, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him.
Holden pulled off his helmet and slapped his teammates on the back. I tracked his movements, holding my breath as I waited. He swept his hair back, slick with sweat and sticking in every direction from his helmet. He had a red patch on his forehead, too, but he still took my breath away, which, considering I was holding it, wasn’t a good thing.
His gaze swung in my direction, and my heart returned to life the instant our eyes connected. Aquamarine orbs swept over me, taking in every inch of my body and leaving a trail of heat in their wake. A teammate spoke to him, but his gaze stayed on me. He nodded, but I didn’t think he knew what they were saying. A lazy smile spread across his face, and I sucked in a breath, my head going hazy at the lack of oxygen.
When he looked at me like that, it was hard to remember why I shouldn’t jump into his arms and let him fuck me until I couldn’t walk.
The last three weeks had been a testament to my restraint. In small doses, I was fine, but when I had to spend an hour with him in class or ran into him at the club, home, or even Colter’s apartment, I was inundated with his smell… touch… presence.
It was torture. Being friends was bullshit. Damn him and his boundaries.
Okay, not really, but my pussy wholeheartedly disagreed—the thirsty bitch.
Perhaps the worst were the ways he groveled. I’d asked him for it, but the man had the audacity to actually do it! I didn’t know if I was madder at myself for insisting or at him for complying.
First, there was the cookbook of recipes my mom had published in her food column. I couldn’t believe he’d spent time searching old newspapers and then printed them out to put in a book. It was such a thoughtful and priceless gift.
Second was the picture he’d drawn of me in art class. I had to pinch myself to keep myself from crying when he revealed it. He’d drawn me dancing with a kaleidoscope of colors swirling around me. He’d said I was like a rainbow when I danced—light refracted and bent around me, drawing everyone to gawk at the beauty I created.
Like… what the hell? How dare he say something sweet! It had left me breathless. No one had ever described my dancing, or me, that way.
This week, he helped me finalize the wedding tasks Rose had given me. Yesterday, he drove me out to pick up flowers and an arch she’d found online for free. I could see the questions in his eyes about why his mom needed a free arch if my dad was loaded, but he hadn’t pushed it despite how much he’d wanted to.
That was the biggest change in our dynamic. Holden gave me time to tell him things instead of demanding or assuming the worst.
Whether big or small, each interaction chipped away at the fear wrapped around my heart and replaced it with something deeper and richer .
Each time Holden and I grew closer, he immediately pulled back, and the inconsistency made it hard to gauge where we actually stood. We were friends, but that label didn’t fit exactly right. We were closer than friends in a lot of ways, yet not in all the ways that counted.
Hello, frustration, thy is my middle name.
If I didn’t have Colter to balance me out, I’d have gone mad. We’d fallen into a comfortable dynamic where we studied and ate together a couple nights a week. We hadn’t made it on our date yet, due to our schedules being so busy that there was rarely any time that overlapped. It didn’t mean we hadn’t found time to be together. We could barely keep our hands off one another. I’d grabbed a hold of his exhibition kink with both hands.
“What I would give for a man to look at me that way,” Jenny whispered.
“Huh?” I blinked, and the electric connection broke. I looked at Jenny, and she smiled, patting my arm. It was then I realized all the other girls were gone.
“Game’s over, Mer. You can stop.” She chuckled, pointing to my poms.
My hands froze, and I dropped them to my side, my face heating. “Right.”
Jenny chuckled and tugged me to the locker room. “Come on. The team’s hitting Club Ember since we have a long weekend. You want to come?”
“Can’t.” I didn’t expand, figuring her invite was obligatory. Her face dropped, and I remembered I wasn’t the invisible girl anymore. “My dad’s having his wedding ceremony this weekend. We’re headed out right after the game.”
“Oh, that sounds fun.”
“Hope so. It will be my first time alone with Hope since, you know.”
“Right. How is she?”
I shrugged. I didn’t know. Just because she’d apologized didn’t make us friends. When I was at the house, I barely saw her. Rose had taken her to get her wrist cast off today, and she’d returned with a wrist brace and crutches. She couldn’t start physical therapy until she got her leg cast off, so she mostly stayed in her room. I wanted to believe she was using this time to research her project, but I didn’t have much faith in Hope.
“Well, maybe some other time? Club Ember, I mean. I heard they have these crazy cool rooms.”
I blushed. I hadn’t told anyone about working there and wasn’t sure if I wanted to now. But Jenny was making an effort to be my friend, and I needed to trust people.
“I, um, actually work there.”
“Shut up.” She gaped, her eyes wide.
“Yeah, it’s cool. There are a few different rooms. I can get you in one night that I work if you want.”
“Hell, yeah. That sounds awesome.”
“Cool. It’s not a secret, but not something I want everyone to know.”
“Totally get it. My lips are sealed.” She mimed zipping her lips, and I smiled. It felt good to put faith in someone.
We both changed, and I pulled on some comfortable clothes for the drive. Dad, Rose, and Hope had left at halftime so they could get there and get the cabin set up. Holden and I were to ride up together after the game. I’d tried to drive myself, but I’d been outvoted.
Colter and Holden hadn’t stopped their diligence with walking me to and from class and to my car. I didn’t know if it was connected to not having any messages or not, though. There hadn’t been any updates from the police, either. I’d handed over my alibi, removing me as a suspect in the hit and run, and they’d gone radio silent. Maybe it was ignorant, but I wasn’t too concerned. I just wanted to live my life.
“Have a good weekend,” I said, waving bye to Jenny when we got to the parking lot. Tonight had been one of the rare Friday games, giving everyone a full weekend to celebrate.
Arms wrapped around me from behind, and I melted into Colter’s touch. He kissed my neck, and I sighed. Tilting my head back, I smiled up at him. My feelings for this man had grown so much. I enjoyed every second I got. We still hadn’t officially declared anything between us, and I hoped it was because he was waiting for Holden to figure himself out. Personally, that ship was about to sail.
Colter nuzzled into my neck, his fresh citrus scent wrapping around me. “I’m gonna miss you, Merbear.”
“I’ll be gone for two days.”
“Two of the longest days of my life.”
I spun in his arms, smiling at him. “You know that toy I showed you last week?”
“Uh huh.” Colter’s eyes heated, and he licked his lips.
“It found its way into my bag for this weekend.”
“It did. Interesting.”
“Yep. And I was thinking… depending on the reception, I could either make a video for you or call you while I’m using it.”
Colter groaned, rocking his front into me, and nuzzled my neck. “Fuck. Now I’m hard. Do you think?—”
“We’re leaving. Don’t get any ideas, Colt,” Holden bellowed.
Colter sagged in my arms, grumbling while I giggled. “Talk about a cock block. Don’t tempt me, Hol. I’ll hide in the bed of your truck if necessary.”
“No, you won’t. There’s spiders.”
“Spiders!” Colter jumped. “Why?” My sweet boyfriend looked like he was on the brink of a panic attack at the mention of spiders.
“He’s joking,” I assured him.
“No, I’m not. The mums had all kinds of creepy crawlies on them, and now they’re in the back.” Holden gave a pointed glare, and I rolled my eyes.
Looked like we were back to distant Holden. Yay. This drive would be fun.
Colter sighed, but kissed my neck before pulling away. “Have fun, be good, and Hol, shower before you come to the apartment. I don’t want you to bring any spiders.” He shuddered. “You’re still moving in when you’re back, right?” Colter frowned. I know he didn’t want to admit it, but he’d been stressing over it.
“That’s the plan.”
Now that Holden had a job, he’d been able to afford his part of the lease and was moving out, despite our parents’ wishes. But since he was paying for himself, there wasn’t much they could do.
I wanted to be happy for them both, but I’d gotten used to seeing Holden on the other side of the bathroom. I knew I’d see him when I visited Colter, but I tried not to stay over all the time, so I didn’t wear out my welcome. It felt like another layer of distance between us.
He’s not interested anymore. Get over it.
Colter gave Holden a one-arm bro slap, opened the door, and lifted me into the truck. “Now you’re the right height,” he teased and stepped between my legs and kissed me deeply.
It was long and full of heat. His tongue swirled with mine, and his hands squeezed me tight. Heat built between my legs, my clit throbbing with each pass of his tongue. Moaning, I pulled him closer to me, and he sucked on my neck, leaving a new mark. A door slammed, jolting me out of the kiss, and I remembered we were in Holden’s truck. I blushed and Colter winked at his friend, and I realized he’d done that to rile him up.
Colter finally said bye and let us go. It was quiet in the cab, and I leaned against the window, the glass cooling me down. While we’d mended parts of our relationship, we hadn’t talked about anything personal. And if we were ever going to bridge the gap between what we were and more, we needed to. I just didn’t know if I could be the one to do it.
After an hour of only soft music filling the cab, I’d warred with myself enough and finally convinced myself to take a chance. Turning in the seat, I studied his profile. His eyes flicked over to me and simmering heat hit me in the gut from that one look.
“I know you have questions about my dad and your mom. I don’t know everything, but…” I took a breath and let it out slowly, steadying myself. “I’ll answer two questions if I can.”
Holden’s body tensed, and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing. Had I misinterpreted things?
“How generous of you, Wildcat.”
“Fine. Be an ass.” I crossed my arms and turned toward the window. “And you wonder why telling you things is so hard,” I mumbled, like a petulant child. This was what I got for trying.
I watched his jaw tick in the reflection of the windshield and his hands tense on the wheel before he let out a breath. I kept my eyes turned away, though. If he wanted to know, he needed to make the effort this time.
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I knew something was going on. My mom has the worst taste in guys.”
“Hey! That’s my dad you’re talking about.”
He winced. “Sorry. For what it’s worth, your dad has been the best. I can tell he actually loves my mom.”
“He does. And your mom has a big heart. I didn’t want to like her, but she makes it hard not to.”
“That’s usually her problem. She draws all the creeps in, and they use her. Please tell me your dad is different. ”
My heart plummeted. He had used Rose in a way, but I didn’t think it was the same as others. “Is that your question?” I asked, needing to know.
Holden’s jaw flexed, and he nodded. “Is your dad using my mom for something?”
“Yes, and no.” Holden opened his mouth, but I held up my hand. “When I returned home in May, my dad dropped a bomb on me. He was broke. He’d invested in some bad deals, and he lost a lot. Well, everything, actually, including my college fund. The house and cars were protected, but it meant I couldn’t return to Brighton.”
“Shit, Wildcat. That sucks.”
I nodded and looked at my hands. Brighton seemed so far away now. Initially, I couldn’t wait to leave Hayward, but now it felt like I was meant to be there.
“Did my mom know he was broke when they got married?”
“Yes. My father isn’t a bad man. He was upfront with your mom. It was your mom’s idea to get married, actually. All summer, I’d been so furious at my dad, expecting him to fix the money stuff, that I hadn’t done anything but wallow and avoid Hope. I should’ve been applying to other schools and looking for scholarships. Your mom suggested to him that if they were married, I could attend Hayward. So, I’m the reason they got married so quickly.”
Holden exhaled, but didn’t say anything for a while. “That’s why we had to live at the house?”
I nodded. “Yeah. My tuition took the rest of her budget. I’m sorry you had to get a job to afford to live with Colter. That’s why I got one, too, so I could have my own money.”
His eyes flicked over. “I don’t blame you, Wildcat. I don’t even blame my mom or your dad. Out of all the things men have used my mom for, it’s never been something for their kids. I’m not surprised my mom offered. If your dad was upfront with her, that’s more than any other man has ever done. I can respect that.”
“Thanks.”
“So, you’re not really a rich girl anymore?”
“Nope.” I laughed. “Though, I wasn’t ever really a ‘rich girl’ per se, but I can’t deny I’ve had certain privileges. I always believed I was above it until I no longer had it. Turns out, I might have been a little spoiled, just not in the ways most people picture. I didn’t care about the things other girls did.”
“That’s one of the things Hope hated about you: that you had all these resources and didn’t use them.”
“It never felt right.” I shrugged. “I wanted people to like me for who I was, not how much money my dad had. I knew one day I wouldn’t have his money to protect me, so I didn’t want people to only be my friends for it.”
“I disagree with her, but I think it was a wasted opportunity from Hope’s perspective. Our life growing up was so different, and she would’ve done anything to change it.”
“Will you tell me about your childhood?”
Holden took a deep breath and nodded. “Trust, right?”
“You can trust me, Hol.”
“My dad’s a piece of shit. He has a severe gambling problem; I guess you could say he’s an addict. He hid it for a while, but eventually it caught up to him. He abandoned us, leaving Mom in serious debt. Then he dragged out the divorce, making the fees and everything higher, just so he could try to get more from her. By the time she got away from him, she was in a huge financial hole. She worked three to four jobs just to make ends meet. It meant she wasn’t home a lot, and we often went without things. We were fed and had a house, but our clothes weren’t new, and there was never anything extra.”
I reached over and squeezed his thigh, letting him know I was there. He glanced over, his shoulders relaxing before returning to the road.
“I was fortunate to receive scholarships for football camps, but Hope wasn’t as lucky with dance. She wanted to be accepted, and not having the latest fashion was a bigger deal for girls. When Mom started dating again, she picked the worst possible men. She thought they’d save her, but they all needed to be fixed instead. Every time we started to get back on our feet, she’d date some bonehead, and we’d fall further into debt. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore.”
“That had to be difficult. Watching your mom suffer like that?”
“Yeah, but I didn’t handle it well. My dad had moved to a bigger area than Oak Hills, so I applied for a scholarship at a private school. It was the escape I needed, so I took it. I’d naively believed if I was gone, it would be one less person to feed and clothe, and she’d stop letting men into her life. But she didn’t, and I… It doesn’t matter.” He clenched his jaw but didn’t say anything else.
“Wow. It’s hard to imagine Rose not being so put together.”
“Mom worked hard to put herself through school and get the job she has today. I worried she was going to risk it all at first.”
“And now?”
“I wish they’d told us instead of hiding behind fake reasons. I would’ve respected Mom’s decision and understood.”
“You should tell your mom that. She won’t see you for the man you’ve grown into if you don’t show her.”
“A man, huh?”
“You don’t need me to feed your ego, Hol.” He smiled over at me, eviscerating the last of my fear. Now if only he’d bridge the space between us …
“I’m glad you’re at Hayward, Wildcat. I hope you give it a chance.”
“It’s definitely grown on me.”
We smiled at each other, the tension in the cab easing, and it felt like we’d finally learned to trust. The rest of the drive was easy, and we sang songs, laughed at stories from Ember, and teased each other about silly things we’d done as kids.
When we pulled into the cabin, it was late, and I was ready to find my room so I could go to bed. It had been a long week of homework and practice, and I was drained.
Holden grabbed my bag and carried it over his shoulder, and I followed him into the cabin. Rose and my dad were on the couch watching a movie when we entered.
“You made it,” Rose said, standing and pulling us both into hugs.
“Great game, Holden,” Dad said, shaking his hand.
“Thanks. You guys get settled in?”
“Yep. We got most everything ready for tomorrow.”
Rose smiled at my dad. There was no doubt they loved each other. I yawned, covering my mouth with my hand.
“Oh, man. I’m beat. Can you show me which room I’m in?”
“About that,” Rose grimaced. “When we booked this cabin, it was before Hope’s accident.” It was then that I noticed the tall staircase leading to an upper landing.
“Okay. That’s fine. I don’t care to be upstairs.”
“Well, that’s partially it. The room upstairs was supposed to be for you two girls, and the one down here was for Holden. But we had to put her in the room down here since Hope can’t get up there.”
Which meant… shit.
“So, we’re sharing a room?” I asked. Was it only my imagination that my voice got higher?
“There’s a pull-out bed on the couch, so you don’t have to share one. Are you two okay with that? I know it’s not ideal. ”
“Um, yeah, sure, it’s fine,” I said, waving my hand. My heart raced, belying my calm exterior.
Rose and my dad glanced at one another but dropped it. “All right. Good night. See you two in the morning.”
As we climbed the stairs, it was only then I realized Holden hadn’t said a word.