12. Sarah
Chapter twelve
Sarah
Today our cruise ends and self-inflicted bubble bursts. Waking up this morning I can't help but get lost in my head, knowing that the last two days have been the best I have ever had. I thought that being with him for a few days would get him out of my system and we both could move on. Now I'm not so sure. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him, and now I feel even more conflicted than I did before.
He said "I love you" right after we had sex and I didn't return his words. I'm so uncertain if he said it just because we were in the heat of the moment or if he meant it. Either way, though, I know how I feel about him and I should tell him but something is holding me back. I'm not a risk taker. I like to plan things out and everything is so out of my freaking comfort zone right now, I can feel my anxiety itching under my skin. What if he doesn't feel the same? I would be putting myself out there for no reason, and it would kill me.
Would if he decides that I'm not worth the risk? How can I guarantee that he's worth me putting myself out there for? And I'm not even talking about my career. Could I risk getting my heartbroken? If Barrett walks away, I'm not sure I'll survive. Last night was amazing, and I want it forever.
After the waterfall, we went back to the ship and had dinner at the prestigious Sapphire Seas Steakhouse. The whole date wasn't anything like I had expected. It was beyond anything I've ever experienced. But here on the boat, it's easy to forget life outside of it. Will we be able to endure the outside world and all the complications that come with it?
Glancing over at Barrett, I don't understand why he's not spiraling as much as I am. Maybe that's a clue that he doesn't feel the same way I do. I made it through my morning routine without having to talk to him beyond what we were doing before the cruise ended.
Now we're at breakfast and I can't help but keep looking him over, hoping that he'll give away a hint of how he's feeling. A clang of silverware hitting a plate makes me flinch and I look up as vibrant blue eyes meet mine.
"Sarah, what's wrong?" he demands.
Shaking my head, I'm not ready to admit all the things that have been running through my head. "Nothing. I'm fine."
"I can tell it's not nothing. Tell me," he says, trying to softening his voice.
"You don't really want to know. It's not important," I whisper as I move the food on my plate around. He places his hand over mine and my pulse picks up. "Darling, everything about you is important."
I can't help but scoff at what he just said, because that's not the first time I've heard that. Men love to tell you all the right things, but then leave when you're the one who makes more money, or don't have enough time for them because you have to work. "You're just saying that," I scoff.
"No, I'm not. Please tell me what is going on in that beautiful head of yours," he demands again. With every word that he says, I can hear the annoyance drip from his words. I don't want to deal with this right now. Needing a bit of space, I try to pull my hand away. But he doesn't allow me to do that. His grip tightens even more, not allowing me space to escape him.
The look on his face reinforces that thought. He's not letting me go until I tell him how I feel. I squeeze my eyes tight as I feel my tears try to well up in the back of my eyes.
When I open them, he's looking at me with love.
With love.
"Darling. I mean it, you can tell me anything." He whispers, reminding me I’m safe with him.
Releasing a deep breath, I decide to take the risk and hope that Barrett takes care of me and doesn't obliterate me. Strengthening my resolve, I tell him how I feel.
"Barrett, I'm in love with you and I'm scared that you might not feel the same. What is going to happen to us when we get back on dry land?" I rush out in all one breath, hoping that if I get it out all at once, I won't have time to second guess myself.
He dips his head and when he looks up at me, I can see a glaze of unshed tears in his eyes. "Would you like to take a walk with me?"
My brows dip together, confused why he suddenly wants to go for a walk and not talk about our feelings. Maybe this is how he lets me down gently or doesn't want me to make a scene in front of all these people.
"Sure," I answer standing from the breakfast table. Barrett leads me out of the dining room and we head toward the main deck area. We walk through the area that is plant heavy, suddenly stopping in front of a water fountain that I don't remember seeing before. Even though I have so many questions I want to ask him, I keep my eyes forward letting the silence sit between us, not ready to be the one who breaks it.
"You love me?" his deep voice grumbles next to me.
Nodding, I don't dare to look at him. If I saw anything on his face other than what I'm hoping for, I might collapse right here. "I do. I think I have for a long time."
Barrett grabs my hand and squeezes it. "Darling, didn't you hear me last night? I love you too and just like you, I think I have for a long time too."
Finally gathering the courage, I look over at him and my breath leaves me. The look he is giving me is so full of love. A look that I've never seen before from anyone. I mean, I have friends and have family who love me, but none who ever looked at me like he does, as if I make his world go around and he's never letting go.
Swallowing back my emotions, I ask the one question that has scared me to ask since I realized that he's the man for me. "What do we do when we go back? It's against the fraternization policy of my company for us to be together. I could lose my job."
"You won't lose your job," he says with so much conviction, I can't do anything but believe him. "As soon as we get back to the room, I'll end our professional relationship." Barrett cups my cheek in his hand, brushing away the tears that I didn't even know were streaming down my face. "I've been thinking about doing something else, anyway. I just needed a reason to move on from being a stunt double, and what better reason than love?"
"Are you sure? It's your dream," I whisper.
As much as I want to be with him, I don't want him to give up his dreams.
"You're my dream," he says before he crashes his mouth to mine. Giving me every ounce of love that he has for me in each stroke of his tongue, every press of his lips. And I greedily take every bit.