Chapter Twenty
Esther
Theo was extremely good at many things, not the least of which was the ability to take my mind off both the stress of event preparation and the bizarre messages I’d received.
Given the immense relief of living on my own after Steve died, I didn’t like the thought of some stupid jokes making me afraid to be by myself.
Still, Theo’s warm, steady presence was a balm for my soul. And if I was able to lose myself in his arms, well, it served as a welcome distraction from all the rest.
By the time we huddled over the table with toasted waffles on Thanksgiving morning, my entire body was still humming. A tiny flutter of nervous energy had taken up residence in my stomach, though, like my subconscious couldn’t bear to let such joy go unchecked.
“Hey,” Theo said softly, in that tone I’d come to associate with him seeing the occasional flare of panic in my eyes. “Doing okay?”
I puffed out my cheeks. “I’m freaking out a little.”
“Too many orgasms?”
A loud, startled laugh leapt from my throat and I slapped a hand over my mouth in embarrassment. He grinned, squeezing my other hand on the table between us. The nerves dissipated under the warmth of his expression.
“Is this your superpower? Calming me down when I start to freak out?”
He winked. “It might be. Seems like a good skill to have. Are you worried about the phone calls? The event this weekend? Or is this about us?”
“All of the above, maybe? Like I said, it’s been a long time, and I don’t just mean the sex,” I joked weakly.
I’d already recognized Theo was as perceptive as his mother, but it was different with him.
Where she tended toward quiet observation, tracking patterns or trends before coming to a conclusion, he seemed to catch every individual nuance of tone or expression.
Somehow, that hadn’t stopped me from offering up gems that were sure to attract his attention.
His head tilted curiously as he studied me. “How long had it been, exactly?”
Oh, god. I could feel my cheeks heating, but if I deflected the question now, I was absolutely sure it would come up again, probably when I had less willpower. “Six years.”
Shock flooded his handsome face. “Jesus. When did Steve die?”
I shrugged a little, dropping my gaze to the syrup on my empty plate, and said, “Four years ago.”
“So for two years of your marriage…”
“There were very few things that seemed to be in my control at the time. I couldn’t bear to lose any more of myself.”
“And he accepted that?” Theo’s eyebrows nearly reached his hairline.
“I told him in explicit detail what I would do to him if he didn’t.”
He squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bring it up again. Now that I know you better, I just can’t imagine anyone treating you that way.”
What he meant was he couldn’t imagine me putting up with that. I could barely imagine it, now that I was out of the situation, but it wasn’t something I explained to anyone other than my therapist.
With Theo, though, I wanted him to understand.
“The first year we were married was…I don’t know, normal.
He was attentive, charming. It wasn’t a grand passion or whirlwind romance, but it was fine.
Comfortable. During that second year, things changed.
He started with the backhanded compliments and subtle digs, and sex became something I tolerated so he’d leave me alone and go to sleep.
I felt worse and worse about it until I snapped. ”
“And your parents refused to help you.” His expression was grim. “Were they the only ones you went to during all of that?”
“Yes, and before you say it, I know Sofia or your mom would have tried to help. Looking back, I wish I’d gone to one of them, and if he hadn’t died, I probably would have.
Eventually. I had no money of my own because he encouraged me not to find a job after college.
And through it all, he made comments, vague enough for him to deny if I called him on it, but convincing enough to scare me out of involving anyone I cared about. ”
He was silent for a beat, then said, “Sometimes I wish that rumor was true.”
“That I killed him?”
“Esther,” he murmured, waiting until I looked back at him to go on. “I was taught that unless it’s an enthusiastic yes, it’s a definite no, and I can’t imagine disrespecting that premise the way he did. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. You didn’t deserve any of that. ”
I sighed and shook my head, forcing the memories away. “I know. I know it now, anyway.”
Theo looked like he wanted to yank me onto his lap and protect me from the world.
If I was honest with myself, part of me wanted that, too.
What was it about this family that they were able to not only see all the walls I’d put up, but also to burst through them like wrecking balls?
I narrowed my eyes at the man across from me, attempting to hold onto a glare.
“Don’t even try it,” he warned, his lips tipping up at the corners. “I didn’t force you to tell me a damn thing, so no rules were broken. And sometimes it feels better to talk about it.”
I humphed softly, but he was right. My therapist had been an amazing help over the years, but she was the only one I’d spoken to in any kind of detail.
In the early days after Steve died, Sofia would try to encourage me to talk about it, but my continued resistance had resulted in her abandoning those attempts.
I wondered what would have happened if I’d taken her up on it.
“Right. So, I’m familiar with your incredibly precise timeline, but what else do we need to do for this weekend?” Theo asked, drawing me back to the present.
“Oh!” I said excitedly. “I have something for you, hang on.”
He waited at the table, clearly amused, while I ran to the bedroom closet and grabbed the item. I presented it to him with an elaborate flourish, then bobbed impatiently while he unwrapped the tissue paper around it.
“I thought you said no gifts,” he teased.
I scowled at him. “No Christmas gifts. This is different.”
When he held up the purple t-shirt, he grinned. “Oh, Esther. My very own Nutless Wonder shirt? This is incredible.”
“Check out the back.”
He turned it over and howled with laughter when he saw Long John written across the shoulders. “When on earth did you have this made?”
“As soon as you offered to be my sidekick,” I answered, delighted with his response. “There’s a little print shop on Main Street that makes my stuff, and they said they’d be able to get it done in time. Can’t have a sidekick without a uniform, can I?”
Carefully, Theo draped the shirt over the back of my chair, then caught me around the waist and pulled me down onto his lap. Punctuating each word with a kiss along my jawline, he said, “You. Are. Amazing.”
This continued until his big hand came up to cup my breast, then I tutted and scooted off his lap. “No, no, no, we have plenty to do today, Long John. I hope you’re ready to level up on your cake decorating skills tomorrow, because after Thanksgiving is over, you’re up.”
He grinned, his expression turning to an invitation I couldn’t possibly miss. “I have a feeling I’ll be up long before dinner, Esther.”
Throughout the day, I took him up on his offer to soak up as much physical affection as I could.
After starting my favorite stuffing recipe in the crockpot, we trudged over to the main house, which boasted cable television instead of just streaming services, in order to curl up on the couch and watch the dog show—my favorite part of Thanksgiving Day.
“That one looks like an actual mop,” Theo muttered.
“Hush, he’s a little darling.”
“A darling little mop, maybe.”
I scowled up at him but didn’t move from my spot, nestled under his arm with my own draped across his middle. It was warm and incredibly comfortable, and he hadn’t stopped drawing curlicues across the small of my back from the time I settled there.
Learning the volumes that could be spoken with just a touch became my new favorite lesson.
Unfortunately, the soothing nature of his fingertips meant I fell asleep before a springer spaniel named Lord Grantham won Best in Show, then I woke up to Theo watching a home improvement special with the volume turned down.
“Sorry,” I mumbled, pressing my face into his ribs against the bright glare of daylight.
“There’s only one situation where I’d begrudge you falling asleep on me, and I will do my best to avoid that ever happening.”
I huffed a laugh and glanced at my watch. “We should get dinner started.”
“Yeah.”
His lips moved over the crown of my head and it suddenly struck me that maybe Theo, too, needed his fill of affection from this arrangement.
I’d noticed how touchy-feely his family was—not with me, probably because my expression was the human equivalent of a neon KEEP AWAY sign, but with each other.
It was as natural to them as breathing, this tendency to hug or brush fingers or squeeze a shoulder as they went about their business.
For the first time in a long time, I wanted that.
“You’re looking very serious,” Theo said, trailing his lips along my ear.
I shivered at the caress before leaning in with my chin propped on his shoulder. “I like this.”
One dark brow lifted as he asked, “What do you like, Esther?”
Those words, that low rumble of his voice reverberating from his chest into mine, held me frozen for several beats, staring into his warm gaze.
“Being with you.”
The admission was so quiet, he probably wouldn’t have heard me if we weren’t so very close to one another, but I watched it hit him, watched the softness that came over his expression before he tipped his face down to kiss me.
I was in over my head. I knew it, he knew it, even the cat in the corner of the room probably knew it as she stared at us with golden eyes full of feline judgment.
It was just…I couldn’t bring myself to worry about it.
For right now, everything I needed was right in front of me, and I was going to reach out with both hands and hold on for as long as it lasted.