Chapter 20
After scrutinizing my reflection in the mirror for what feels like the tenth time, I collapse onto my bed, anxiously tapping my foot in the air to release my pent-up nerves. Like yesterday, I’m thirty minutes early, my eagerness to see him intensifying with each passing second.
Come on seven o’clock, get here already.
Impatiently, I grab the television remote and keep it on the hotel’s amenities channel, hoping to distract myself. I can’t afford to stumble upon the pornville channel right before my date.
My date.
I have a date.
A real, genuine—one person likes another person—I want to spend more time with you, date.
The thought thrills me.
Today was supposed to be a day of beginnings.
I guess it is.
Just not the one I pictured four months ago.
I raise my hand to touch the spot on my cheek where Daniel’s lips had met my skin, and my heart skips a beat. I’ve been lost for so long, but I’m rediscovering myself. Whatever this is between us—a fleeting vacation fling or something more—it’s opened my eyes to the possibility of moving forward without dwelling on the past.
Lost in my thoughts, I’m abruptly brought back to reality by the buzz of my cellphone. I roll my eyes and chuckle, knowing it’s my mother sending another text. She probably had her finger hovering over the send button since early this afternoon. I give her credit for her uncharacteristic level of self-control in waiting a few hours before bombarding my phone again with her textual assaults.
With an amused exhale, I reach for my phone and swipe the lock screen. The color drains from my face as I see the message that awaits me.
Matt
This should have been our day.
My hands tremble. The raw, soul-crushing grief that consumed me four months ago returns, suffocating me. I tightly clench my fists, feeling the tension radiate through my fingers.
The happy, floaty feeling that filled me mere seconds ago deflates, replaced by a heaviness as his text drags me back to earth. I swallow hard, attempting to suppress the surge of emotions that are on the brink of overwhelming me.
Why is he doing this?
Matt
I miss you, Tessi.
Tessi. The nickname I haven’t heard in months.
Matt
I know I made mistakes.
Understatement of the century.
Matt
We should be together.
His words hit me like a punch in the gut.
Matt
I still love you.
After he plunges a dull knife into my chest.
Matt
Can we talk?
My sparks of hope flicker and fade. Every syllable he’s written brings back memories of bitterness and pain. The dreams of endless possibilities evaporate into thin air. My stomach is queasy.
Without warning, he sliced open my fragile heart. Again.
I hate him. Forever hate him.
With trembling hands, I toss my phone onto the bed. I cover my face with my hands, shutting my eyes tightly as tears flow uncontrollably.
Two quick knocks startle me. Silently, I stare at the back of my door.
“Tess?” Daniel calls out playfully as he knocks again.
Paralyzed in my spot, my gaze still locked on the back of the door, I’m unable to locate my voice.
“Playing hard to get?” he teases. “Let’s get going. I’m hungry.”
I open my mouth to answer, but no sound escapes.
“Tess?” he asks again. “You there?”
My vision blurs as more tears well up in my eyes.
“Hey,” his voice softens as he gently knocks again. “Tess?”
I walk towards the door and place my hand against the wood, knowing that my second chance at romance is waiting on the other side. With my eyes closed, I shake my head.
I can’t do it.
“Can you just let me know that you’re okay?”
“I’m okay,” I croak out, my voice strained as I press my forehead against the wooden door. “I’m… I’m not going out tonight.”
“Are you sick? Do you need a doctor?” he asks, his words laced with genuine concern.
“I’m fine.” I’m not. “I… I changed my mind.”
“About dinner?” His voice carries a hint of confusion and disappointment.
“Not about dinner.”
“Then what is it about?” he asks.
“It’s about you and me. About everything.”
“What’s wrong?” he asks quietly. “Is it something I did?”
“No.” You were perfect. “I don’t think we should see each other again.”
“Is this about…?” He exhales a loud sigh. “Tess, my only expectation tonight is to share a nice meal with good company. Nothing more.”
“Can you just go? Please.” I plead out of desperation and the need to protect myself.
“I thought you… I thought we… I thought we wanted to see where this goes.” The vulnerability in the tone of his voice breaks my heart even more.
“Not the way you want,” I lie. I’m messed up. Maybe forever. I refuse to ruin the rest of his vacation because I can’t get my shit together. It’s not fair. “I apologize if I gave you the wrong idea.”
“Why does this sound like goodbye?”
“Because it is.”
“Is this some sort of game you’re playing? Are you getting off fucking with my head?”
“No.”
“I don’t know what happened between this afternoon and now, but I don’t play games. And I don’t beg. I’m done here. Have a nice life.” His words, filled with anger and hurt, hang in the air.
“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, knowing he can’t hear me. Pressing my ear against the door, I listen to the echo of his footsteps on the tile floor as he walks away. I turn around, leaning my back against the door, and gradually sink to the floor as more tears stream down my cheeks.
I stare at my cell phone and read Matt’s messages for the fifth time. This despicable fraud of a human being lies from his lips to his texting fingertips.
Why is he doing this? I was moving on.
Mending my fractured heart.
“I made mistakes,” I read aloud.
Seriously? Be a man, Matt. Say what you did.
You fucked someone who wasn’t me.
I poured four long years into that relationship. Yet I was blind to the fact that his dick was like a metal detector—but instead of metal coins, it found skanky whores.
Did she leave him? The girl who slept with my fiancé. In our bed.
The bitch who broke girl code.
And the ninth commandment.
“I need a drink.” I open the minibar and purse my lips. Soda, water, and beer. None of them are ticking my drink-to-oblivion box. “I need something much, much stronger.”