36. Changes
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
changes
ABI
BLACKBURN FALLS, ONTARIO
AUGUST 2021
Since Brendan left, it feels like every piece of my life has fallen apart.
My mom told me I could move back in with her and stay in my childhood bedroom, but I declined. There are too many tainted memories that come attached with it: my first kiss with Brendan, the first time we had sex, the first time we said I love you…
A fresh coat of paint and some new furniture can’t erase the moments I’ve experienced in that bedroom.
Instead, I’ve been living on Kat’s couch and working at The Black Bear, a little pub that her dad owns. Just a few months back, Brendan and I were taking the final steps to move into a gorgeous apartment in downtown Toronto. Maybe it’s a small blessing we didn’t get far enough to take that dive before it all ended.
I haven’t seen him since that day, but that hasn’t stopped me from getting a lot of pity from patrons.
It’s such a shame, you know? You two were great together.
Do you think there’s any way to make it work?
This town is small, and word travels fast, especially when you’re the two main lovebirds who’ve been dating since high school. I’ve been keeping to myself though, pretty much not saying anything to anyone except for Kat, and our conversations tend to just focus on what a piece of shit Brendan is.
Whenever I’m not doing that, though, I go to work, sling drinks, and come home to sleep. Rinse and repeat, with some semi-enthusiastic job-hunting on the side.
I published six papers during my PhD, and wrote two chapters for a professor’s book as well. I have multiple years of both teaching and research experience, and I volunteered in the community; even after all that, my inbox is crickets.
The job market is so bad, I even started applying for postdoc positions wherever they crop up. My mom told me to use my dual citizenship to my advantage, but so far, it’s not really working out for me, no matter how many positions I apply to state-side.
I’m starting to feel like I’ll be stuck in that bar for the rest of my life.
“How’s the hunt?” Kat asks, finishing up her breakfast and forcing me to contend with the fact that I’ve barely started on mine.
I don’t really have much of an appetite anymore. I’ve poured all of my focus into building a better life for myself. Well, that and moping.
“I’ve filled out so many applications that I’m dreaming about it. I think last night my resume had to go to war against some filing cabinets, so that’s where I’m at.”
Every day I wish I was somewhere other than slinging drinks and mopping floors, and every day I’m reminded that some people just don’t get to do what they love.
“You’ll get something, babe. You’ve just gotta keep your head up.”
“I hope so,” I sigh. “I’ve been keeping my head up for so long my neck’s getting sore.”
“Look, I know it’s not ideal and it’s not what you signed up for. But the job’s a means to an end, right? It puts food in your stomach and it pays your bills.”
It barely pays my bills, but I nod regardless.
I’m just thankful she’s not charging me rent, but I can kind of tell she expected me to be out of here faster. Truthfully, so did I. I’m watching everyone’s careers advance around me while I’m still stuck in the same place wondering if any of the choices I made were right.
“Okay, gotta go.” She kisses the top of my head. “One more chance: are you sure you don't want to come hiking with us?”
Kat was never really the outdoorsy type until her and Marcus started dating a few months back, but she’s really embraced it. She’s dressed in a brand new pair of hiking boots, denim shorts, and a tank top. She’s even got one of those little fanny pack things around her waist.
Me? I’m more of an indoor cat.
“I’m good, I need to re-work my resume. I think maybe that’s the problem. If I crack the code the job offers will just come rolling in.”
Kat offers me a warm smile in response, probably happy to see me doing something other than wallow. Honestly, I think I’m the problem at this point, but you can only be so negative before your friends start to turn sour, and I’m in no position to lose anyone else.
“Whatever you need to do, okay? Maybe we can go for dinner tonight? Somewhere nice?”
I shrug.
“Yeah, sure. I get off at 8:00.”
I wave at her as she slips out the door, locking it behind her before I take my plate of eggs and retire to the couch. I switch on the TV and flip my laptop back open, ready to ‘fix’ my resume for the fiftieth time in two months. It’s time to analyze every punctuation mark, every bolded word, every line break. There has to be something in here, something I can point to as the reason I’m not getting hired.
Something aside from a ridiculously competitive job market, with people who are a hell of a lot more qualified than I am, of course.
I always thought I was smart until I got into grad school, and then I was suddenly the smallest of small fish in a massive pond. Except the other fish were geniuses. Genius fish? Whatever. I felt out of my depth, but I kept working and working and working, because if there’s one thing I don’t do, it’s quit. And hey, it paid off.
Up until now at least.
Hours pass, and I think I manage to change exactly one bit of punctuation on my resume. Then, just as I’m about to undo a new formatting decision for the 12th time, I see an email notification that I’ve somehow missed.
I open my email to find a message from Emerald Bay University, way out in Washington State.
My entire demeanor shifts in an instant, heart pounding as I start to shake. Even if it’s a rejection, it’s something. The first real something I’ve gotten from any of the schools I’ve reached out to.
I hold my breath as I open the message.
FROM: Dr. Francis Hughes
TO: Dr. Abigail King
And the subject.
Postdoc Interview Request
“Oh my god!” I leap up off the couch and flip the entire plate of eggs onto the floor. “Fuck! Oh fuck! What do I do?!”
My brain moves in a chaotic circle for a few seconds, my body half bent as I stand paralyzed, before deciding the email that could change everything might be a little more important than some eggs on the floor.
I can clean up later, this is my life.
Good Morning (or maybe afternoon?) Dr. King,
I looked over your CV and application package, and was very impressed.
Would you be available for a screening interview tomorrow at around 1:00pm on Zoom? If not, we can find a time that better fits your schedule.
Let me know!
Frankie
I let out a scream that almost certainly gets heard by the neighbors, jumping up and down with joy before I realize I’ve accidentally smashed my cheesy scrambled eggs into Kat’s nice hardwood floor.
Shit.
I rush to the hallway closet to grab a broom, texting her along the way.
ME
I GOT AN INTERVIEW!
KAT
OH MY GOD! I TOLD YOU THINGS WOULD WORK!! WHERE IS IT?!
ME
Emerald Bay University out in Washington!
She doesn’t text back for a minute, and I realize that I’ve basically just told her I might not just be moving out, but moving entire countries. I know she was hoping I’d find some place close by in Ontario.
KAT
That’s great, babe! I’m super happy for you. When’s the interview?
I can feel the relief wash over me. Even though I know Kat would be upset if I left Blackburn, she’s always wanted the best for me. That’s just who she is.
ME
Tomorrow afternoon! It’s a zoom call so I don’t have to worry about going in person or anything.
KAT
Hey! More importantly, it means you don’t have to wear pants. Live the dream!
ME
Shit, I forgot to throw together an outfit.
I’ve been applying to jobs for so long with no hits that I completely spaced on the fact that I might have to look presentable when I actually got an interview.
KAT
Don’t worry. I have this cute black and white top in my closet you can borrow. Very goth and very you, but also professional as fuck. You’re going to nail this.
I smile at the text, hope sprouting up through the cracks in my fractured heart. My mom used to say that when the universe closes a door, it opens a window, and if this is that window, there’s no way I’m letting it close again.