Chapter 10 #2
“Maybe you should work here.” That pops out as a joke, but Cruz’s jaw sets at a contemplative angle.
“Me?”
“I’m kidding!” I scramble down the ladder and grab a new box of bulbs. “Although, I’m sure there’s a large section of my clientele that would come in just to get drinks from you.” I shouldn’t use that teasing, flirty tone.
“Why?” He sounds utterly baffled.
“Because scary, beautiful men are a thing.” I turn around in time to see him blink, confused.
I wish I could die on the spot. I didn’t just say that.
Fuck my life. I blurt out my next question without thinking.
“Why did you leave the SEALs? Was it just time, or do they have an age limit and they phased you out? Have you noticed that young people look so young? No. Likely not. Guys don’t become invisible the way that women do as they age. ”
His frown deepens, the lines carved in around his eyes and mouth. Far from aging him, they give his face extra allure that he darned well doesn’t need.
“My knee.”
Oh. “You hurt it?”
“Yes. I had several surgeries. I needed time to heal. I didn’t go back. I started riding, drifting. Thought I’d have a gut instinct on where to end up.”
“And did you?” I’m almost afraid to ask, but I’ve been so nosey, what’s a little more?
“The lady at the diner did… Patti, and the rest was me, I guess. The guys too. They’re charismatic. It helped me make my decision.”
“That’s true.”
He falls silent. It was strange to hear him speak before, but now that he stops, it’s too quiet.
I grab the ladder and take it to the next fixture.
I try to compose myself. My face, at least. My pulse is beating far too fast. My palms are damp.
My brain skips ahead to places it has no right to go.
I’m starting to sneak far too many glances at Cruz’s face, specifically his lips.
Wondering what they’d feel like against my own is a hard stop.
Jam on the brakes and risk whiplash kind of full stop.
“You’re not invisible. You’re right here.”
Oh my god. I don’t want to melt, but that was said so sincerely, it’s hard to keep my chest from constricting.
“Thanks. That was a stupid thing to say.” I climb the ladder without looking back and focus on the light.
My face is red hot and has all sorts of emotions stamped all over it, I’m sure.
“I don’t really feel that way. Not all the time.
I don’t feel like I missed this big chunk of my life, or like I have to get it back.
I have the best memories. I enjoyed those years with Liam more than my own childhood.
Happiness isn’t some bullshit state that finds you.
It’s fleeting, and you have to work hard for it, and savor it when it comes.
I tried to do that.” I unscrew the fixture a little too vigorously and have to make a quick catch before the glass drops on the floor and shatters.
I suck in a deep, steadying breath. “I think that most people have this view that if you don’t have the typical family unit, there’s something missing or wrong with your life.
I tried very hard to make sure that Liam never felt that way.
I mean, maybe he did, but I tried to make sure that I loved him enough for the parent that was never there.
A lot of people in Hart mentored him and were kind to him. This is a good town.”
“Your parents?”
My stomach twists sickeningly. “No. They moved right after I got pregnant. They kicked me out and then left town. My dad made up this excuse about taking a transfer, but the timing was so suspect. They were deeply ashamed. They were the kind of people who went to church on Sunday and still cared about having a sixteen-year-old daughter who was knocked up to the point they had to dump her and move away to save face.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not.” I pause so that I don’t wreck a socket by angrily unscrewing a bulb too hard.
“At the time, I was terrified, but I also had good people in my life. People who took care of me and mentored me and gave me opportunities and chances. People who saw me and believed in me. The old owners of this place, mostly, but there were others. The shop isn’t just a building.
It’s sort of a family member and a best friend in a way.
Maybe that’s part of the reason I’m so protective of it.
The building sheltered me when I had nowhere else to go. I want to take care of it in return.”
“I—”
I cut him off. I know what he’s going to say, and I don’t want his sympathy.
My life turned out fine. “I did miss my parents, but they made their decision. That was that. I did what I could to move on. I sort of grew up with Liam, in a way. I love being his mom. I went to all his games, his plays, did all the school fairs and projects together. I tried to find balance between smothering him and letting him be his own person. You can see that I still struggle with that.”
“You might struggle, but the only thing I’ve seen is love and respect.”
My eyes spontaneously develop a burning problem.
I keep my face tilted, hoping gravity will stop the flow, but science doesn’t work like that.
My cheeks get wet. All I can do is hope that I’ll be able to wipe them discreetly before Cruz notices.
“I… thank you. Was there ever anyone for you?” I mean a partner, but I didn’t make myself clear. I shouldn’t be asking.
“No.”
“I’m sure your job hours didn’t make that easy.
Or were you like me and just never needed it?
” I squeeze my eyes shut. That seems to stem the flow of tears.
I need to shut up, but I can’t force myself to do it.
“I was never lonely without a partner and without my parents. I have plenty of friends. I always did. I was never alone. I was young. I didn’t think I was in love.
I wanted to discover things I had no idea about. We were both young.”
Where’s that convenient sinkhole to swallow me up when I need it most?
I’m so hot with mortification that I’m shocked this ladder doesn’t melt beneath me.
“We used protection every time. It failed, and I got pregnant.” Stop.
You don’t need to explain yourself. “He didn’t want to do the parent thing.
I might have been scared, but I was realistic about it all too.
I never wanted Liam to have people coming in and out of his life.
I wanted to protect him. And… maybe… my love was the cafe and Liam.
I didn’t have room for anything else. I thought that if I ever did, I’d know it, and I never knew it.
” The only men I ever had any tingles for, or ever had a literal moment of weakness about, were the exact wrong kind.
I would never have acted on it. I still was attracted.
I knew I wasn’t dead. I just didn’t want the complications and the bullshit.
I thought if there was ever anyone who was right, I’d get that feeling, and then that notion passed.
“Sorry,” I mumble. “I don’t know why I’m talking about any of this.
” I plow from one subject to the next. “Your family? Are you close?”