Chapter 15
Cruz
“Is that a cactus?”
Annoyingly enough, Liam snatches my phone right out of my hand, and I’m unguarded enough to let him.
We’re both standing in the kitchen, drinking the disgusting swill that passes for coffee at the clubhouse.
Odin dumps half the can into the maker and lets it buck, calling the tar that dribbles out real coffee.
It might be thick and dark, but on a scale of disgusting to disgusting it’s always going to be… disgusting.
Sloane could come over here and give the men in this place a few lessons on how to make a proper coffee.
Every time I think about her, it’s a knife between my ribs, a punch to the gut, and a kick straight to the nuts.
It hurts. Far more than it should. Maybe hurt isn’t exactly the right word.
It doesn’t hurt like I was betrayed, or like we missed our chance, or like I shot the shot of all shots and got turned down.
It’s a deeper burn. An ache that I don’t know how to fix.
A wound that’s not going to knit itself back together.
I feel like everything is just a little more forced than it used to be and has a little less joy.
I’m not much for moping. I just… miss Sloane.
It reminds me of how unsettled I felt after leaving the military.
I need to find my words, that’s what I need to do. Not just any words, but those proper words that I’ve been working so hard on for the past nine days.
“Holy fuck, five hundred dollars?” Liam shoves my phone back into my hand, shaking his head in mystified disgust. “What if you killed that thing? Half a grand blown on a stupid plant? Who charges that much?”
I shrug and take my mug for a refill. I add cream from the fridge, but all it does is transform the murky black sludge into a dark brown with a greasy looking sheen on the top.
“Why are you thinking about getting a plant? Where would you even put that? Your room doesn’t have enough light for it. Probably. Doesn’t a cactus need tons of light?” Liam keeps on about how crazy the five-hundred-dollar charge is. “My mom would for sure kill that thing.”
He has my full attention now. I know Sloane was joking when she gave me the laundry list of what she wanted. But I can’t help but wonder what she would do if I really came to her with a cactus, a damn crochet blanket, and a poem.
He continues, “She’s killed all our plants since I was a kid. We had a few in the café, but they all died. She’d do a number on that big beast. It would probably get knocked over and break in half and that would be that.”
I down my coffee, pulling in long chugs that have Liam gaping at me. He quickly finishes his too and we head to the gym. Training won’t start for half an hour yet, but I want to be set up.
I try very hard not to favor my knee, but Liam is as observant as Sloane is when he wants to be.
“Is that still bothering you?” He grabs the usual stack of mats and starts to lay them out, but points at my leg.
“You should coach today. Let me do the demonstrating and let the guys spar with each other. You don’t have to wreck yourself. ”
I’m irritated and restless, but I have only myself to blame for that.
It has nothing to do with my knee, though the lingering pain is frustrating.
I shouldn’t chafe at going back to my normal life after being away from it for just a few weeks, but it doesn’t feel right.
When I eventually fall asleep, my dreams are filled with bodies intertwined together.
I find myself reaching out, searching the empty spot on the bed like I expect to find Sloane there.
It’s not all hot sex. I dream about the soft things too.
Coming up behind Sloane and pulling her into my arms. Brushing her hair aside so I can nuzzle her neck.
Licking her earlobe. I dream that we do regular things, date, hang out, and the world feels right.
I wake up exhausted and… sad.
“Mom’s been talking about getting a cat.”
I don’t have to force myself to focus on Liam.
My attention rips back to him the way it did in the kitchen earlier.
I want to ask him if Sloane’s said anything about the link I sent her.
I hadn’t forgotten what she’d said about maybe wanting one.
I was browsing through a few of the rescue sites here and came across a fifteen-year-old cat who came into care when her owner passed.
It’s a sad story. She needs a home. I thought of Sloane right away.
“Really?” I figure that’s the best answer I can give, while appearing a little surprised and mostly disinterested.
Liam’s not searching my face. He’s spreading more mats out.
“Mom’s been acting weird.”
He shoves his hands into his pockets. The expression on his face concerns me. He looks helpless and lost, more so than I’ve seen it in almost all the months that I’ve known him.
“How so? Is she okay?” It’s hard to keep my voice level. Liam hears the emotion behind it, but his expression softens. He likes that I care about his mom, in that professional, protective way.
If he knew about the dreams that I can’t stop and the thoughts that come to me completely unbidden, would he try to tackle me here and now? Feeling those blows couldn’t hurt more than whatever is wrong with my body. I’d prefer physical pain to the pain that constantly clenches in my chest.
“She’s fine. That’s the thing.” When I fail to see what he’s talking about, he continues.
“She’s weirdly fine with the club stuff.
Maybe she made her peace with it. She seems…
I don’t know. Just off. Different. Like this whole thing changed her and she doesn’t quite know how to change it back.
She’s never seemed like the café and her life were unsatisfactory and she’s always had her own hobbies.
Maybe it’s me, but she didn’t seem like that when I got back from Seattle.
She wasn’t trying to fill the gaps of time I left behind, and she wasn’t having trouble with that.
I know she missed me, but… is this making any sense? ”
It’s making too much sense.
I don’t want to get elated over Sloane’s unhappiness, or at least at her being unsettled. I’m not happy about that, but it does give me a terrible burst of hope.
“Maybe she is worried about me, and she doesn’t want to fight about it, so she’s not gonna mention it.
” Liam starts to pace, walking around the edges of the mats.
“I don’t think that’s it, but I can’t think of anything else.
Maybe I should look into taking some college classes.
That might make her feel better. Or I could talk to Tyrant about apprenticeships. Do you think that’s what it is?”
I need to stop. Stop thinking, stop feeling, stop hoping. Stop those dreams, stop the warmth that could crush me, stop the way I can’t fucking breathe half the time. Is she missing me the way I’m missing being around her?
I push those thoughts aside, and shrug. “Maybe. You can’t expect her to adjust right away. What happened scared her. She’s probably still worried but trying to manage it and do her best for your sake.”
Liam’s face gets a pinched look. “You don’t have to tell me how much my mom gave up for me. I know it. I’ll always feel bad that I made her worry.”
“I didn’t mean to imply there’s some kind of debt. You’re her son. Of course she sacrificed for you. Maybe… just talk to her?”
His face relaxes. He eyes me up and down before his gaze settles on my knee. He doesn’t expect me to have answers, not when I’m normally so quiet. I don’t have answers. Not for him, and not for myself.
“Are you wearing a brace?”
“I am.” It’s one of the flexible kinds from the stores that carry stuff like that, for sports injuries and for old people. I do have a proper brace that I wore after my injury but using that would force me to admit to myself that I have a problem. I’m good at denial. Case in point, Sloane.
“Jesus. I didn’t know it was that bad. I guess career ending legit means career ending. At least you ended up in a good place.”
“Ended?”
Liam laughs. “You know what I mean. I’m not trying to call you old, but you are kind of old.”
“There’s lots of life to be lived yet.” I haven’t had a spiteful bone in my body, ever, but part of me wants to tack on with your mom in a completely childish tone. The other half of me wants to say it and just have it out and see what Liam thinks about it.
“True,” Liam says and claps me on the shoulder. “I’m glad that we’re gonna be club brothers. I always wanted a real one. Even if you’re fucking ancient, you’re alright.”
I clap him back hard, and then sweep my leg under his, sending him sprawling down onto the mat, flat on his ass. His face twists in shock and rage for a split second, and then he throws back his head and laughs.
“I get it. You can still kick my ass. Noted.”
Try as I might I just can’t get Sloane out of my head.
I want to give her the world, she deserves it, but what can I offer a woman like her?
I don’t even have my own place, I’m living at the clubhouse like a college student.
Maybe it’s time I thought about getting myself a place.
Do I want to be fifty and still living here?
I could get a cat, that would keep me company.
Fuck.
Is that what my future is? Becoming a crazy old cat man?
“Are you okay?” Liam pops up and grasps my shoulders.
He looks me right in the face. “Cruz? I was just kidding about you being old.” He gets that sneaky, dumbass expression where his lips twist at one corner and not the other as he tries to fight back a shit-eating grin.
“You are, but so what? Or did you hurt yourself when you dumped me?”
“No. I’m fine.”
“Are you sick?”
“Just tired.”
I am. The kind that has nothing to do with not getting enough sleep.
“You should go talk to my mom. It’s so crazy that she decided she doesn’t mind you. You spent so much time with her. Maybe she’d tell you stuff she wouldn’t tell me. She doesn’t like me worrying, so she takes on way too much by herself, in every way.”
I hate how my heart leaps, races, and tumbles at the thought. I can’t do that. I shouldn’t.
“Just go over and surprise her. Make her take a coffee break.” Liam frowns, and I can tell his mind is whirring, trying to devise some sort of plan. “I’m gonna be working late at the garage tonight. That bike that Crow got to teach Tarynn how to ride has been having some issues.”
“Probably because it’s ancient.”
Liam loves the old stuff. “At least it’s easy to work on. Parts, not so easy to get, but we’re trying to figure out how to fabricate what we can’t find.”
It’s a cool looking bike. Army green with a side car. Tarynn didn’t want to learn on something that wasn’t stable, and instead of getting her a new three wheeled bike, Crow picked out something antique for her. She’s been in love with it from day one.
“Half the old ladies are gonna be riding before I ever get my own bike,” Liam huffs, but he doesn’t look like he minds the idea at all. He can ride, though I’m not sure if Sloane knows that. He’s been saving up for months to buy his own.
“Pick something safe,” I advise. “Large, loud, and reliable. Your mom might come around to the idea of a bike, and the club too, but she’ll want you to be as safe as you can.”
Liam won’t put up a fight about that. “Yeah, I know. That was one of her main concerns about me prospecting. It wasn’t so much that bikers have a bad rep, more the risk of getting involved in a crash.”
“That’s always gonna be a risk. But if she sees you ride safe and don’t take chances, then that might help,” I offer.
“Would you stop by and convince my mom to have dinner with you? Or at least keep her company tonight?” Liam asks out of the blue.
I hear dinner and my mind starts going on all sorts of crazy tangents. I’m at risk of losing all control of my face and straight up panicking, when we both hear voices coming down the hall.
Time for training. Thank fuck.
“I’m gonna tell her that you’ll stop by,” Liam says, snatching out his phone and firing off a text before I have a chance to stop him.
“Just because the cameras are all still set up doesn’t mean you don’t want to check on her.
I’m sure she’d appreciate it. And maybe you can tell her how safe riding a bike is. ”
He tucks his phone away like it’s a done deal.
Liam’s about as close as I’m going to get to a best friend or a brother.
To him, this is a no brainer and it’s not a big deal.
I don’t think it’s even crossed his mind that there might be anything going on between me and his mom.
Not that there is. But it would be a much bigger deal if I mentioned that kiss.
Tyrant, Raiden, Odin, Crow, and Maverick all round the corner, filling the makeshift gym with loud voices and laughter.
They’re all dressed to train, toting water bottles and even hand towels.
It would be nice if I could focus on doing my job instead of thinking about the forced dinner that’s for sure not a date that I’m going to be having tonight.
“Cruz’s knee is ten shades of fucked, so he’s going to be coaching today and that’s it,” Liam says, taking charge before I can get a word out. My scowl doesn’t deter him. He’s going to make sure that I take care of myself.
He’s a good friend. A good person. He’s going to turn into a good man one day. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for myself. I need to get out of my fucking head and focus on what I can do.
I clear my throat. I can’t look at Liam. “I’ll be fine. I’ll watch my knee.” If I can’t tell him the truth and let him kick my ass, I can sure as shit punish myself.