26. Cain
Side by side, we ride slowly through the meadows by the main house, and further out past desolate barns, corrals, stables, and silos.
The river serves as our guide, the horses walking along the line of gnarled trees, their roots reaching for the water.
My nose fills with the scent of dusty musk streaming from my black gelding and the fragrance of well-kept leather from the saddle.
I enjoy the comfortable silence.
Just thudding hooves below and twittering birds above, leaves rustling as they jump from branch to branch.
My body moves with the animal’s rhythm, muscle memory remembering countless hours spent on horseback when I was a boy.
I know instinctively what to do.
I also know being this outta practice means that my bones will hurt tomorrow, anyway.
It’s worth it.
Nostalgia settles like a heavy cloak on my shoulders.
I haven’t been out here in forever, but the memories of my childhood hang bittersweet in the warm air.
I can almost taste them on the tip of my tongue.
Wild nature has reclaimed the lands I roamed with my dad, but I still remember every overgrown path, even after all these years.
I know the gentle hills ahead of us and the rough mountains in the distance like the ridges of my knuckles.
Every bend in the river is as familiar as the veins on the backs of my hands.
They’re the same sights that inspired the tattoo sleeve on my left arm and the mural in the master bedroom.
“You seem like you were born in the saddle,” Erica says.
“Guess you do this often?”
“Naw, it’s been many years since I last went on a ride. I gotta admit, you’re doing pretty well yourself.”
“Am I? I’m trying my best to keep my ass in the saddle, but I think if I went any faster, I’d be in trouble.” She laughs.
“The cowgirl look suits you, too. Hat and boots and all.”
“Why, thank you! I picked them out myself yesterday.” She runs a hand along her hatband, silver ornaments contrasting the black.
“I’m glad this little adventure didn’t turn out super awkward. You had me worried back at the house.”
I raise a brow.
“Why’s that?”
“You seemed mad.”
Mad ?
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to come across as ungrateful or angry. It was…” I rub a hand along the stubble on my jaw.
“A big surprise. A good one. I reckon Mandy put you up to this?”
“No, I came up with the idea, but Amanda helped me to convince the ranch owner. She promised him some free promotion on her channel if he let me borrow the horses.”
My stomach flutters.
Erica planned a date for us of her own free will?
Thinking about it, this is downright romantic!
No.
I shake my head, forcing down my excitement.
No way she sees this as a date.
It’s just her being polite because of the concert, exactly as she said.
I try to relax my tense shoulders and the horse huffs, sensing my anxiety.
“You two talked about me, huh?”
Pink scrawls across her face.
“A bit.”
What else did Mandy tell her?
The last thing I need is embarrassing childhood stories or shadows of the past, dragged from their shallow graves.
“Go on, little dove, tell me what she said.”
“All nice things, I swear!”
I squint at her.
“That so? Like what?”
“She said you’re a good man.” The flush on her cheeks darkens.
“Well, she’s wrong about that, ain’t she, darlin’?” I try to catch her gaze, but Erica avoids looking at me, playing with her horse’s mane.
“Not really,” she whispers, almost too quiet for me to hear over the sound of rushing water from the river.
“I mean, not everything about you is bad.”
Heat radiates through my chest.
I tap my hat and give her a wry smirk.
“Appreciate the kind lie, but you don’t have to try and spare my feelings. We both know what I am. You’re the only person who has seen the monster in me.”
And I know she is afraid of me, like she should be.
I’ve given her plenty of reasons to hate me, to be frightened and—
Erica’s eyes widen.
“I’m not lying!”
I choke on my breath.
“I know what you’ve done, Cain. You’ve kidnapped me, you drugged me, and sometimes you scare me to death. But living with you, getting to know you… it’s as if you’re two different men trapped in the same skin, like… like…” She gestures as if she means to pluck the right phrase out of thin air.
I bark a laugh.
“Jekyll and Hyde style?”
“That’s it!” She snaps her fingers.
“There’s the sadistic asshole who gets off on my pain…” A coy smile tugs on her lips.
“But there’s another side of you. A kind man. And I don’t mean the grand gestures, like the shopping and the concert or the gifts, though those are fun. I mean you cooking for me and making sure I get enough rest. Or that you find out about the things I enjoy and care to remember them. Also, Amanda told me you took care of her when she got sick and I think that’s wonderful.”
My skin tingles and my ribs get too tight.
“For all the brutality, you’re—I can’t believe I’m saying this…” She pauses.
“Underneath the violence and the cruelty, you’re kind of sweet. No, you’re really sweet.”
My face gets so hot, I should be on fire.
I can handle the dirty talk.
I can handle her rude comments and her defiance.
But stubborn, snarky Erica being all cute and sincere, talking about how she thinks I’m sweet?
I’m about to have a goddamn heart attack.
“Thank you,” I bring out.
Like she said too much, Erica coughs awkwardly.
I can see her panicking, frantically searching for a different topic to talk about.
“Since you like horses and you seem to be good with animals… Why don’t you reopen the ranch?” she bursts out.
Her question nearly knocks me out of the saddle.
This is an even worse fuckin’ topic.
“What?” I sputter.
“You’re not practicing as a doctor, right?”
My right shoulder lifts.
“I don’t treat patients anymore, if that’s what you mean.”
“You have people working for you in the clinics, and you said you only do some administrative work. Clearly, you make more than enough money and you have lots of free time. I’m thinking why wouldn’t you reopen the ranch? Amanda said you didn’t want to be a doctor in the first place.”
For fuck’s sake, Mandy .
I make a mental note to send her a text with some choice words when I return to the house.
Worse, though, I have no clue how to answer Erica.
I pinch the bridge of my nose and draw my hat further into my face.
From the corner of my eye, I see Erica staring at me.
Shit, she isn’t gonna drop this, is she?
“I-I don’t know. It’s a lotta work, and a guy my age… It’s too late to start over.”
Erica shakes her head, braid swinging.
“Oh my God, you’re hardly geriatric, curly! You’re in better shape than most men in their twenties.” She lets out a tinkling laugh and I can’t help but laugh along.
“So you’re saying I’m hot.”
“You already know that. Stop avoiding my question.”
“I’m not avoiding—”
“Yes, you are!” Her mouth forms a silent O .
“I get it now! Hotshot Dr. Cain Morrow is afraid.”
My head jerks back.
“Now what the fuck would I be afraid of?”
“Running the ranch is your dream, but you buried it in the past. And now when you have the opportunity, you’re scared reality won’t measure up to that idealized vision in your head. Maybe you’re afraid you might fail or that you spent decades glorifying and mourning a life you won’t like after all.”
I clutch my chest.
Half as a joke, half because it actually hurts like fuck.
“Holy shit, darlin’, shoot me straight through the heart, will ya?”
“Sorry, someone has to say it before it’s really too late.” Erica shrugs.
“You know, most folks never get to chase their dreams. No second chances. Lost dreams stay dead and buried, and regret grows heavier each wasted year until it calcifies into a tombstone sitting heavy on your chest, long before you’re even in the ground.” She favors me with a soft smile.
“But here’s the deal: if you never try, you’ll never know. It might turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to you.”
You are the best thing that ever happened to me , I almost blurt out.
She doesn’t have to say this.
She doesn’t have to care about my dreams or my feelings.
But she does.
Honest to God, Erica cares, and I’m not sure I deserve it.
“You’re right, I guess,” I admit.
Her head tilts.
“Eh, then again, who am I to say? I don’t expect you to change your whole life on a dime because of my speech, but you could think about it?”
“Yeah, I will.” I reach over, giving her thigh an affectionate squeeze.
“Thank you.”
She hums and I tilt my head back.
The trees tower above us, watching over the land like silent guardians, standing witness to the past and the present.
For the first time, I wonder if there is a happy future waiting for me in their shade and maybe, they can already see it.
We ride around a sharp bend in the river, and a hill comes into view.
An ancient oak crowns the peak, knotty limbs reaching for the bright blue sky.
It’s grown even bigger since I was a kid, and I grin as I address Erica.
“How ‘bout a break? I wanna show you something, little dove.”