32. Cain
I pull into the driveway in deafening silence and sitting on fuckin’ coals, which is exactly how I felt driving us home in the dark.
Fingers tapping the steering wheel, I park the car—a more high-society appropriate, luxury SUV—in front of the house and turn off the motor.
I open my mouth, but Erica gets out and rushes up the stairs to the front door, the motion sensor on the steps turning on the porch lights.
She hugs herself, hands rubbing along her upper arms.
I follow her with a sigh on my lips.
It’s chilly tonight.
Clouds drifted in earlier, hiding the glimmering stars.
Slices of moonlight cut through the grim darkness, but are soon overcome by the grey shroud, and the scent of ozone hangs in the thick air.
Even the nocturnal animals are quiet.
A storm is coming.
My darlin’ looks as gorgeous as she did at the gala.
The green silk gown flows like water over her curves, and when I first saw her, I couldn’t wait to rip it off her.
Now I just wanna sink to my knees to thank her for saving me, but I’ve never seen her this closed off.
Not even when I kidnapped her.
At least back then, she was shooting snarky remarks at me like a hail of bullets.
This fuckin’ silence feels like a gun to my head.
“You haven’t said a damn word since we left the police station, little dove.” I take the keys from my pocket and unlock the door.
“You’re killing me here. Please, say something?”
She glances at me, her expression unreadable.
“Someth—”
“Don’t fuckin’ play around, please.”
“I did say something earlier. I said I want to go back to the ranch instead of staying in the hotel.” She kicks off her heels and stomps through the foyer, disappearing around the corner.
I groan.
“Oh, come on! You know what I mean! And I drove us home like you asked.”
I lock up and hang the keys on a hook by the door.
I leave my jacket over the railing of the stairs, loosening my bow tie as I skulk after Erica into the kitchen.
She holds up two bottles of wine.
“Red or white?”
I run a hand over my hair, cracking the gel cast slicking back my curls.
“Whatever you wanna drink.”
She puts the white on the counter before opening the bottle of red with a corkscrew from the drawers by the oven.
“You’re confusing me, Erica. I can’t make sense of your behavior. What’s gotten into you?”
She takes two glasses from a cabinet and pours too much wine into both before walking past me to the roofed terrace, drinks in hand.
I follow again.
She sits on one of the outdoor sofas by the fire pit, leaving one glass for me on the side table.
I stop in front of her and throw my arms into the air.
“If you hate me, if you don’t wanna talk to me or be around me… why didn’t you turn me in? So you can punish me with silence now? You’re the only person who really knows me, and you can’t take that away from me without any explanation. I’m begging you!”
My eyes burn with unshed tears.
I blink them away, watching Erica’s impassionate face for a reaction while she takes small sips of wine.
She’s staring at nothing.
I grit my teeth, letting my hands fall to my thighs.
Does she have to be so stubborn?
I know I’m approaching the topic too forcefully.
The more I push, the more she pulls away.
I take a deep breath.
My frustration ain’t what she needs, but I can’t help the desperation cutting into my heart.
Have I finally lost her?
I make a fire and sit next to her.
The flames cast flickering lights across her empty expression, reflecting in her hollow gaze.
She seems far, far away.
“We gotta talk about what happened, little dove,” I say softly.
“No, we don’t. It’s no big deal.”
“You can’t be serious.” I rub across my forehead, trying to calm my frayed nerves.
The interrogation was stressful, but Erica shutting me out is worse.
“You saved my life, and now you say it’s no big deal? It’s a huge deal!”
She’s not looking at me, her voice thin and low.
“You don’t have to worry about it, Cain. It’s fine. I just repaid the favor.”
“What—repaid what favor?”
She twirls the stem of her glass and a sarcastic grin curls her lips.
“The night you abducted me… I was going to kill myself.”
My heart shatters into a million jagged pieces.
Thick silence fills my lungs like smoke.
I can’t breathe, yanking at my collar to loosen it more.
The untouched sleeping pills…
that’s why she had them in her bag?
If I hadn’t met her in that gas station, if she hadn’t thrown me off my axis and stolen my heart at first glance…
I would have lost my soulmate before I ever had a chance to find her.
Erica gives me a sidelong glance, putting her empty glass on the table.
“Ironic, huh? Your plan to kill me saved my life. We’re even now.”
My hand shakes as I lay it on her knee.
She doesn’t move, but at least she isn’t repulsed by my touch.
“You didn’t tell the FBI because you think you owe me?” I ask.
Her lips tremble and she clenches her teeth.
She’s still avoiding me, like she’s afraid I might see something more in her eyes than she wants me to know.
“You never owed me anything, Erica. Shit, I had no clue. Saving you is the best damn thing I’ve ever done, and I’d do it again, do it earlier, do it better… but I’m a fuckin’ killer. I’m a sick, evil man, and nobody knows that better than you. One word about the kidnapping or the murders and the feds would’ve been all over me.” I shake my head, my throat tight with emotions.
“Please, I have to know… why did you protect me?”
Her head snaps to me, tears dancing in her eyes.
“I don’t know!” The desperation in her voice makes my blood go cold.
“It’s driving me crazy! I should have told them the truth, but I couldn’t! What the fuck is wrong with me?”
Her words drown in sobs and I hug her, cradling her head against my chest.
In my embrace, she seems smaller than ever before, so fragile I never wanna let her go out into this cruel world on her own again.
“Nothing is wrong with you, darlin’.” I whisper, kissing her hair.
“I’m sorry I pushed you too hard. We don’t have to talk about it. Not today, not ever. But I want you to know that I’m grateful.”
She cries harder, her shoulders shaking, her hands twisting into my shirt.
As if the sky cries with her, thunder rolls in the distance and a drizzle speckles the tiles beyond the roof.
It’s no secret that seeing her suffer usually turns me on and her tears get me hard, but not like this.
This feels all kinds of fuckin’ wrong.
It feels like being gutted with a dull, rusty knife.
I frame her face with my hands and make her look up at me.
Her eyes are red and puffy, makeup running down her cheeks.
“I’ve never been in love, little dove,” I say.
“W-what?” she hiccups.
“Y’know, that fuzzy feeling, the blushing and the butterflies? Never fuckin’ happened to me. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I physically couldn’t fall in love. Reckoned there was a broken part inside me. Crossed wires or switched poles. The one thing that ever came close to the emotion others describe as love was the release of a kill. Buzzing nerves. Rapid heartbeat. A rush of heat.”
Her head tilts, confusion playing in her eyes.
“So when I first saw you and my pulse galloped and my whole body felt like I got electrified, I thought I wanted to kill you.” I let out a choked laugh.
“Instead, from the very beginning, all I really wanted was to love you.”
Erica’s brows arch, lips quaking.
She blinks, stunned by my words.
“I know you think I’m crazy and this between us can never work. But damn, darlin’, being without you is like having my heart ripped from my chest. Like I can’t breathe. Like I can’t fuckin’ think or function without you. You’re all that’s on my mind, no matter where I am or what I do. It’s been like this since the moment we met, and it’s getting worse every minute of every day.”
I kiss her and she lets me in, shaking in my arms like a leaf.
She clings to me with the urgency of a woman drowning in an ocean of her own tears.
“I’ve only prayed twice in my life,” I rasp, thumbs trailing over her cheeks.
“Once, when my sister got sick, and I prayed she’d make it through. And once more on the morning after the first night you slept in my arms. On my knees, I prayed that one day, you’ll want me like I want you. Because for God’s sake, Erica, I fuckin’ love you with all of my black, twisted heart.”
It’s great to finally say it out loud.
Weightlessness flows through me.
I feel like I could float right up to the moon.
Erica goes pale.
She stammers, pressing a hand to her mouth.
“I-I don’t know what to say…”
I comb my fingers through her hair.
“You don’t have to say anything. I don’t expect you to answer. I just need you to know how I feel. And to be honest, I don’t want you to say it back because you think I wanna hear it. If you ever say those three words, I want ‘em to be true.”
A bevy of emotions crosses her face. “And what if I never say them?”
Lightning flashes, and the clouds burst. A torrent of rain pelts the roof, rapid as my pulse.
“Then I’ll have to live with that. But I promise I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you fall in love with me, Erica.”
“Even if I never feel the same, you won’t let me go?”
“You had your chance to get rid of me, little dove, and you didn’t take it.” I tip up her chin, brushing my lips over hers, speaking the words against them. “It almost seems like you don’t want to leave me.”
She flinches like I hit a sore spot and my heart jumps.
That is it? That’s why she didn’t rat me out? Because she wants to stay my prisoner?
“So…
you won’t let me go?
” she asks again.
“Come hell or high water, I’ll never let you go, darlin’.”
She sighs and the tension falls from her shoulders.
I kiss the corner of her mouth, over her jaw and down her throat, chasing waves of goosebumps across her skin.
My lips worship the curve of her breasts at the edge of her dress.
Her breathing becomes labored and need swells inside my pants as I sink my teeth into her soft flesh.
“Apart from being hopelessly in love with you, I have another confession to make,” I say, grinning.
“You know I like hurting you and I know you’re into that rough stuff, too. But I didn’t just read you that well… I found the sex bucket list on your phone.”