Chapter 25 Loveless
Loveless
We traveled through the night. I was exhausted, but also buzzed on adrenaline, so while I wasn’t operating at full capacity I was still mostly functioning. Which was pretty impressive, I thought, given how many times I’d almost died in the past few days.
Radven managed to steal me a pair of boots at the next village we passed—leaving a bit of money in their place, at my insistence—and while they were a touch too small and had a funky smell, they were better than waltzing around the woods in bare feet.
Especially since, even though we weren’t sprinting anymore, Radven kept a vicious pace.
I distracted myself from the blisters forming on my toes by thinking about the offer he’d made.
Everything is on the table for the right price, butterfly.
It was tempting. So, so tempting. And the more time I spent with Radven, the more I was starting to realize what he wanted from me—intimacies, whether of the mind or the flesh.
I’d never considered myself a secretive person, but I hadn’t realized until Radven how much I truly kept to myself, how little of me I really shared with the rest of the world—physically, mentally, emotionally, all of it.
And here was someone who actually wanted to know those things, to draw out pieces of me I’d never even acknowledged in myself.
And if I was being honest, the biggest reason I found his offer so tempting was because I was curious about him.
He seemed dangerous and yet…not evil. He seemed to be the very definition of the rogue, the bad boy, and I didn’t trust his intentions…
and yet here I was, trusting him with my life, over and over again.
A part of me knew I should keep my emotional distance from this man, guard myself against him, and another part of me was drawn to him, like a moth to a flame.
Or to the silken strands of a spider’s web, shining like silver threads in the moonlight.
Oh, I’m in trouble.
Somehow, I was turning into the girl that Esmer was always encouraging me to be. Apparently all I’d needed was some magic and a couple of near-death experiences.
Something rustled in the leaves above us. I started, ready to run again, but it was only a breeze snaking through the branches. Radven hadn’t even broken his stride, and I had to jog to catch up with him again.
Only when the pale gray light of dawn began to sift down through the branches did he finally pause. He led me into the shadows beneath a great tree that reminded me of one of the live oaks I’d seen when I visited Savannah as a teenager, only this one’s bark had a bluish tint to it.
I was grateful for the break. I leaned against the trunk of the tree, taking some of the weight off my tired feet.
“We’ll need to pick up speed from here,” he said.
I just about fell over. “Go faster?”
“It’s riskier to move during daylight,” he said. “The zhespers’ vision is better.”
My resistance and exhaustion must have been plain on my face, because his expression softened somewhat in the pale light.
“It’s not far, butterfly,” he said, almost tenderly. “Less than an hour, if we move quickly.”
“Okay.” I let out a shaky, tired breath. “I can probably manage that.”
“Ring-Around-the-Hill is a lot bigger than Far Meadow,” he said. “It will be easy to lose ourselves there. It will buy us some time while we wait for Alastor and Oak.”
I felt a small pang when I thought of his brothers. “You still think they’re all right?”
“I trust them,” he said automatically. “And they haven’t broken my trust yet.” His eyes met mine, and even though he still wore those dark contacts, true intensity shone through. “If something happened to them, I would know it.”
”Is there some sort of magical bond between you?” I asked, intrigued.
He smiled that crooked smile. “Not the way you’re thinking. If you want to know more, you’re going to have to make me an offer, butterfly. What are you willing to give me for my secrets?”
I was tempted. And I could tell by his expression that he knew I was tempted. But I wasn’t ready to give up any more of myself yet.
“We should get going,” I said, using all my willpower to push myself away from the tree. “It’s not safe out here, remember? Besides, I could really use a nice, soft bed right about now.”
“I don’t doubt it, butterfly.”
It wasn’t until I noticed the devilish gleam in his eye that I realized what I’d accidentally insinuated.
“Not like that,” I insisted, hobbling past him and continuing as quickly as I could in the direction we’d been heading. “Not everything is about sex, you know.”
“Really?” He matched my pace easily, falling in beside me. “I’m not sure I believe that.”
“I think that says more about you than me.”
“It’s more about people in general,” he countered.
“We like to think we’re complicated creatures, but the truth is that all of us are only ever truly focused on one thing—survival.
And sex is a larger part of that than many people want to admit.
It’s the ultimate act of life—the only act that has the ability to create life.
That hunger for survival is why many people notice an increase in desire when they are constantly exposed to danger. ”
He was hitting way too close to home, but I didn’t want him to know that.
“That still doesn’t mean everything is about sex.
Sometimes I just want a bed because I’m exhausted,” I said.
“We’ve been hiking through the woods all night.
I barely have the energy to hold myself upright, let alone…
” I let that sentence die, but now that I was all flustered I couldn’t stop myself from babbling on.
“And even if I weren’t exhausted, I’m not some sort of horndog.
My entire existence doesn’t revolve around getting laid.
If I’ve managed to make it this far in my life without having sex, then clearly I have other interests. And a good deal of self-control.”
“Would you need self-control if you weren’t perpetually fighting your own desire?” I could hear the smile in his voice, even though I refused to look at him.
My cheeks flamed. “That’s not my point, and you know it. Stop twisting my words around.”
“I’m not twisting anything. I’m simply finding the truth you’ve buried underneath it all.”
“And what truth is that? That everything I say or do all comes back to me wanting to sleep with you?”
He chuckled. “I won’t attempt to dissuade you of that conclusion, but no. What I’m finding is that you are full of desire, and perhaps even aware of that desire, but that you are very dedicated to stifling it beneath a carefully constructed illusion of control.”
“Now you’re just mocking me.”
“I’m not mocking you at all. I’m simply making an observation.”
“An observation that’s pretty condescending.” I was already out of breath again, but I tried not to show it. “If you want the real truth about my feelings on desire and sex and virginity, then you know how to get it. Make me an offer.”
This time he responded with a full laugh. “I like this side of you, butterfly. Very well—what do you want in exchange for your truth?”
“That’s not how this works.” I was feeling a little more confident, now that I’d recognized that I could play this game, too. “I asked you to make me an offer.”
That seemed to amuse him even more. “In that case, I’ll offer you a truth of my own. Something no one else knows about me.”
I finally looked up at him, trying to decide if I could trust him to share something meaningful and honest. I didn’t put it past Radven to bend the truth, but in this situation, in this little game, my gut told me to accept him at his word.
“Okay,” I said. “We have a deal.”
His grin widened.
“You first,” I said, before he could get any ideas. “And I want something good and juicy.”
He nodded. “Fair enough.” He didn’t go on immediately, and I could tell he was actually giving this some thought.
Finally, he looked down at me.
“I will never fall in love,” he said.
I tripped over a tree root.
Radven caught me by the arm before I could fall, but mentally I was still trying to recover.
“Like you’ve just decided you’ll never love anyone?” I asked, struggling to keep pace with him.
“Not anyone,” he countered. “I love my brothers. But to most people, loving someone and being in love with them are two different things.”
“Most people don’t believe falling in love is a choice,” I pointed out. “You can’t just decide you’ll never do it.”
“Except I made a bargain, years ago,” he said. “In exchange for something I desperately needed at the time, I gave up my ability to fall in love.”
I almost fell again, this time tripping over my own tired feet. “Wait, you gave up your ability to fall in love? That’s impossible.”
“Perhaps in your world,” he replied, no longer looking amused. “But not in this one.”
“How? Who has the power to take that away from you? And why would you even give it up in the first place?”
“If you want more secrets, you’re going to have to give me more of your own.”
I should have seen that coming. So instead I said, “You promised you’d tell me something no one else knows about you. Are you saying you’ve never told anyone else about this bargain you made? Not even your brothers?”
His steps slowed. “They know I made a bargain. And they know what I gained. But not what I gave up.”
And though what he’d confessed made zero sense, I could tell by the look in his eyes that it was absolutely true. This man, by some twisted magic, had been denied the ability to fall in love.
Everything I’d thought about Radven up until this moment twisted on its head, and I tried to make sense of this man as I saw him now—still dangerous, still full of secrets, and yet missing a piece of his heart that I’d previously assumed was essential.
Even a man like Radven must feel the aching loss of something like that.
“Don’t look at me that way,” he said.
“What way?”
“Like you pity me.” He’d stopped completely, and I stopped, too, turning to face him.
“I don’t pity you,” I said. “I just…” Okay, maybe I did pity him. How could I not? “I’m just sad for you, that’s all. Knowing you’ll go your whole life without ever falling in love…”
“My entire existence doesn’t revolve around falling in love,” he said lightly, throwing my own words back at me with a quirk of his lips. “Clearly I have other interests, as you well know.”
“Love isn’t the same as sex,” I pointed out. “Love is…”
“Necessary? I don’t think so. Not romantic love, anyway. If you ask me, it’s more of an inconvenience than anything else. It’s a liability.”
“It’s not,” I insisted, growing more frustrated. “Love is beautiful. It makes you stronger, loving someone in that way, knowing they’ll always have your back—”
“I know my brothers will always have my back,” he said. “That’s enough for me.”
“Love changes you,” I went on, ignoring him. “It makes you a better person. It opens your eyes to the world in a new way.”
“I can get those experiences from many other things.”
“But love is the most powerful thing in the universe. Falling in love fulfills you in a way nothing else will. It’s about finding the other half of your soul.”
“And you know this from personal experience?” The corners of his mouth were tilted up in a grin, but his sharp eyes bored into mine.
“Well…not personal experience.” My face was getting all hot again. “But that doesn’t make it not true. I’ve read about it a hundred times.” And written about it, more times than I could count. Every single fanfic I’d ever written ultimately revolved around the love story.
“And we all know that stories never lie,” he said, amusement plain on his face.
“I don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many stories revolve around love,” I spit out, desperate to hide my embarrassment. “There’s a reason that people resonate with love stories so deeply.”
“No one is telling you that you can’t have love,” he pointed out. “And I’ve made my peace with my fate.” He looked at me more closely. “Or are you upset because I’ve revealed that I can never love you in that way?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” I sputtered. “I hardly know you. I’m not even thinking about loving you.”
“So you’re not saving your virginity for the potential love of your life?”
My neck went as hot as my face. “My reasons for my own virginity are none of your business.”
“Well, they might be a little bit my business.” He smiled down at me, dangerous and beautiful and infuriating. “Considering the deal we just made, of course.”
It was starting to feel like I might spontaneously combust. I’d walked right into this—willingly—and I was beginning to realize I wasn’t as skilled at this game as I’d thought.
“Your truth for mine.” Radven stepped even closer, and he was looking down at me with that ravenous hunger that made my knees go all weak.
His hand came up, his finger hooking beneath my chin so he could hold my gaze in his.
“But before you fulfill your side of the bargain, I’ll say this—just because I can’t fall in love doesn’t mean I can’t feel other things.
Like lust. Or longing. Or even obsession.
” His expression grew wolfish. “Believe me, butterfly, obsessions are satisfying enough for me.”
He dipped his head closer, and I found myself tilting my face up, meeting his mouth with mine.
Maybe he’s right, I thought as my insides flooded with tingly, delectable heat.
Maybe love is overrated. I certainly didn’t feel like it was missing right now—right now, everything was warm and delicious, and all my worries and pity were chased away by a desire that started in the pit of my belly and expanded with every touch of his lips.
His arms slid around me, and he gently walked me back until we were beneath the shadows of a big tree. He pressed me up against the trunk, his body leaning into mine, his mouth offering all manner of promises. My hands slid into his hair, twining through the strands, urging him onward.
I wanted him to touch me everywhere, to drag me deeper into his whirlpool of obsession, to pull me beneath those wild, tempting waters. His fingers skimmed the sides of my body, dancing and teasing, and I ached for more.
And then, abruptly, he jerked back, spinning away from me and producing a dagger out of nowhere in one impossibly fast motion.
We weren’t alone. There were two dark figures beside us, dark silhouettes against the shadows beneath the tree.
Still trying to catch my breath, I ran my hands over my clothes and looked around for something—anything—I could use as a weapon.
“Easy, Brother,” came a familiar voice—Alastor’s. He didn’t sound particularly amused by the little scene he’d just stumbled upon. “If you’re done with your little seduction, we have something important to discuss.”