Chapter 33 Esmerine
Esmerine
The love of his life.
I stopped, startled by how tight and cold my chest suddenly felt. I shouldn’t have been surprised to learn that Octavian had a “love of his life“—for chrissakes, he’d told me his heart belonged to someone else—but I wasn’t expecting the news to stab me right in the tender bits.
But he also said he can’t remember who has his heart, I reminded myself.
Which made things even more confusing…but also explained a few things, too.
Talon had mentioned Esmerine’s name when we first arrived here—commenting on how he thought Octavian would never get over her—and Octavian had responded with a confused, “Who?”
He’d forgotten her, somehow. And yet his heart hadn’t. How did something like that even come to happen?
Talon had stopped, and he turned to face me, sympathy in his eyes.
He had one of those gazes that looked right into you, that made you feel like you were the only person in the world while his attention was on you.
Octavian may have been the hero, but this guy was the natural-born leader, the sort of man who inspired loyalty.
“I don’t know what Oak has been doing these last ten years,” he said, “and you and I have only just met, but anyone with eyes can see that he cares about you.”
Considering that he was the second person today who’d said as much, I was inclined to believe it. But it wasn’t so simple.
“I’m not questioning that,” I said, continuing down the passage toward my door.
“It’s just…complicated. And hearing about Esmerine makes it more complicated.
” Not to mention that I was secretly judging myself for getting all angsty over a guy when I was currently trapped in another world and constantly running into things that were trying to kill me.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be treating you like some sort of couples counselor. ”
“A what?”
Oof. I need to be more careful with how I talk in this world.
Especially since it appeared that Octavian hadn’t told his friend the full truth about where he’d been and who I was.
“I just didn’t mean to pull you into this.
I’m sure you’ve got bigger things to worry about than whether or not I get laid. ”
Again, my current emotional state made me far blunter than I intended, but Talon only seemed amused by my word-vomit.
It actually made me like him even more.
“There are always bigger problems,” he said, inclining his head so that one of the birds could give his cheek a nuzzle.
“That doesn’t mean the smaller ones don’t matter.
” His kohl-rimmed eyes danced across my face.
“I’ll admit—I’m curious about the woman who showed up here with my friend after so many years. He told me you saved him.”
“He did?”
Talon nodded. “Him and Prince Alastor and the other one—Radven. And now you have the Circle after you.” His curiosity was written in every line of his face.
“There’s obviously something special about you, something that goes beyond your apparent power.
” His eyes dipped briefly to my wrist, where the pearls were plainly visible.
“And I know Oak sees it, too. Give it time. Men are often fools when it comes to matters of the heart.”
I wasn’t going to argue with that last bit, and as for the part before…I wanted to believe it was as simple as giving it time, but everything Octavian told me in the woods—about feeling a hole in his chest, about having no heart to give—was too fresh to just sweep under the rug and forget.
Still, I smiled and nodded at Talon. “Thank you.”
Talon saw right through me. I could tell. We’d reached my door, and he leaned casually against the wall beside it, one eyebrow raised. His feathered companions took flight, flitting around the curved ceiling of the passage as if to give us a little privacy.
I couldn’t help myself. With my hand on the doorknob, I asked, “What happened to Esmerine?”
“I don’t know,” he said. “I’m not sure anyone does, honestly. One day she just…disappeared.”
Cold washed down my spine. “What do you mean?”
“She vanished. Without a word to anyone. Oak just about lost his damn mind looking for her.” He shook his head. “Then, about a week after her disappearance, almost ten leagues from Riversend, he found…”
“What?” I pressed.
“He found pieces of her. I’m not sure what—he wouldn’t tell me more than that. Wouldn’t say much of anything.”
“Who—or what—did that to her?” I didn’t speak louder than a whisper.
“No one knows. Not even Oak. He lost himself after that, went mad hunting for any clue as to what had happened or who could have done such a thing. Or why she was the target.” His eyes met mine, and I could see true grief for his friend in their dark depths.
“Oak blamed himself, naturally. He was convinced that she had been killed to get to him, but if that was the case, then why did no one ever come forward to claim the act?” Another shake of his head.
“And Esmerine was no helpless fool, either. She could have easily defended herself against any of the beasts that roamed the woods and valleys near Riversend. And she wouldn’t have run off by herself, or been easily tricked by someone who meant her harm.
We all knew it. Oak knew it. Which is why the whole thing just… broke him.”
I couldn’t breathe. There was a lump in my throat that refused to go down.
“It wasn’t until he eventually fell in with those other two that he found something of himself again,” Talon went on.
“He found purpose once more. And I never heard him speak a word of Esmerine again, like he’d finally found some way to put her behind him.
I think it helped, leaving the rest of us behind in Riversend.
Making a new life for himself. He’d visit, of course, and I could see that, deep down, he was still the friend I’d always known, but he was different, too.
In more ways than one.” He reached up, his fingers absently touching the scar along his jaw.
“Those days were when he truly became the hero of song and legend,” he went on.
“When his fame and his deeds spread to the very edges of Therador. When he earned the title of Lion Warrior.” He paused.
“When he suddenly disappeared…I wondered if it had something to do with her. If he’d finally found something and followed it…
He seemed so invincible in every other part of his life, but she was his weak spot.
The one place he was vulnerable.” His eyes rose to one of his birds, which did a circle around our heads before coming to land on his shoulder once more.
“But then I heard those other two had disappeared, as well. And when none of them returned, for years…”
I didn’t know how to respond to any of this. Didn’t understand exactly how all of this information fit together, or what that meant for Octavian, let alone me.
“Tell me honestly,” I said, because I couldn’t help myself—because I was selfish, and confused, and because the question eclipsed all other thoughts in my mind. “Do you believe he still loves her?”
There was sympathy in Talon’s eyes now, which had me bracing for his answer even before the words left his lips.
“If you’d asked me before, I would have said yes without question,” he told me. “But a lot can happen in ten years.”
“That’s not what I asked.”
The curl of his lips showed he was amused by my directness, but the look in his eyes was too close to pity.
“I couldn’t tell you. I can just say again that it’s clear he cares about you.
You’re the first woman I’ve seen him with since Esmerine disappeared—and while of course it’s possible he’s been with any number of women in the last decade, I have a feeling he wasn’t in a rush to enter another love affair.
Just the fact that he’s traveling with you, that he’s brought you here…
if you ask me, that means something. The way he looks at you means something.
But I don’t presume to know my friend’s innermost thoughts, especially now.
” He paused, then added, “Still, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he’s punishing himself for what happened to her, whether he realizes it or not. ”
I wasn’t sure how to respond to that.
I thanked him again, then retreated to my room, too overwhelmed to interrogate him any longer. I’d learned more about Octavian’s past in these last five minutes with Talon than I had in all the time I’d spent with Octavian. But for some reason, finally having answers didn’t make me feel any better.
And that was even ignoring the fact that I was still kind of pissed about everything that had happened in the bath—still peeved at Octavian for treating me like I couldn’t make my own decisions about my body, and angry with myself for feeling anything and possibly justifying his concerns.
Not to mention that you let yourself get so distracted by all this nonsense that Octavian never even finished telling you where his powers come from.
I dropped my towel and flopped down on the bed, too exhausted to make sense of anything or even try to manage my feelings.
I wish Esmer and Isaac were here. They always made everything easier.
Isaac would probably draw upon his extensive knowledge to solve all the mysteries of Therador, and Esmer would tell me to stop being so dramatic and give me the tough-love pep talk I needed to get my head on straight.
She’d almost certainly get a kick out of the fact that Octavian’s ex-lover was named Esmerine—but that wouldn’t distract her from giving me tips about how to break down his walls and seduce him.
At the end of the day, her priority would always be getting me laid.
I laughed to myself, and it was only then I noticed the tears on my cheeks.