Chapter 16
SIXTEEN
Donovan
Astra has been avoiding me all day.
The one time I purposely stood in her path, she turned her nose up and walked around me without so much as a sideways glance in my direction.
When she left the house in the afternoon, she told Lucille she was leaving, even though I had been in my office with the door open as she headed down the stairs.
Had Andre not already informed me of her planned outing today, I would have been livid.
I might have agreed to let her have some freedom, but there was no way in hell I’d send her out on her own.
One, I still wasn’t sure if I could trust her.
And two, I couldn’t let anything happen to her.
For the sake of my own health, of course.
Even I’m rolling my eyes at this.
She declined my invitation to dinner, or so I assumed, since she didn’t answer me when I knocked on her door to ask her to join me. As sad as it was, it didn’t stop me from sitting at that big table alone, picking at my food for an hour while hoping she’d come down.
But she didn’t.
She didn’t even take the food I had sent up to her.
All day long, everyone has been looking at me like I’m the reason there’s an air of chaos running through the house. I suppose I am, but this is my house, dammit!
I’ve wasted an entire day worrying about how to get back on Astra’s good side, and I hate myself for caring so fucking much about it.
I haven’t been able to do anything. If I didn’t have Torrin and Carlo checking on everything, I might feel bad about it.
It’s not like I’d be any good, anyway. Not with the way my head is preoccupied and my temper is resting on a hair trigger.
As I climb the stairs, I tell myself this is the last attempt to fix things. I will not let her walk all over me when I’m clearly trying so fucking hard to get through to her.
I stand there for a second, staring at the dark wood door to Astra’s room.
Finally, I gather enough courage to knock softly on the door. I swear I’m holding my breath, listening for any sound indicating that she’s heard the noise. I know she’s in there, but I don’t know if she’s still awake.
“Astra,” I say as calmly as I can manage. I can’t stop my stupid hands from shaking. My fists tighten, causing the paper bag holding the to-go food in my grasp crinkle loudly. I clear my throat and speak again. “Astra, please let me in.”
Again, I’m holding my breath.
There’s a faint shuffling behind the door, and it’s stupid how a spark of hope to hits my chest.
“I don’t have anything to say to you,” she says through the door. Her tone is broken, and I can’t deny the pinch in my chest at hearing it.
“Okay,” I say, taking in a breath. She’s talking to me. That’s a start. “But will you listen for a minute?” When I’m met with silence, I panic and change direction. “Or if you don’t want to talk, then will you at least take these things I brought for you? It’s nothing really, but I thought…”
“What things?” she asks, thankfully stopping me from rambling like an idiot.
“I know you didn’t eat, so I brought you some food.
And some other things because I wasn’t sure if you were going to watch a movie, and I wanted you to have candy and popcorn if you wanted it.
You seemed really excited last night about it…
” So much for stopping me from sounding like a love-struck teenager who has never talked to a girl before, let alone his crush.
Well, fuck.
A crush?
Fine, I’ll admit it. I’m a fucking grown-ass man with a stupid crush on the woman who has gotten me deep in some curse shit.
Life’s fucking grand sometimes, huh? But that’s the only thing I feel for her, and I’m sticking by that.
A crush. A tiny infatuation. An urge to sleep with her again. That’s it.
The lock clicks over. My eyes are glued to the handle as it slowly turns.
The door cracks open, and then her face is there, those doe eyes peering up at me for a second before moving down to take in the many bags I’m clinging to.
I resist the urge to hold them up like I’m presenting all of my findings because I’m desperate for her to talk to me.
To forgive me. I know it’s not that simple.
Buying things, no matter how thoughtful they are, isn’t going to fix this.
I’m just hoping it’s enough to get my foot in the door.
“Why?” she asks, dragging her eyes up to meet mine again.
“Why?” I parrot back.
“Why did you do this? All of this?”
I take a deep breath and roll my eyes as I exhale, which is mostly at myself because I don’t have an easy answer to that question.
Or maybe I do, but I’m not the talking kind of person.
I can’t just express my feelings, especially when I can’t fully explain what they are.
My body turns, and I take two steps away from her door.
“Wait,” she says, and I hear the hinges of the door working as it swings open.
“I’m not going anywhere,” I state as I turn back to face her. “I just don’t know how to say it.”
Honesty. I just have to give her honesty. If I want to make things right, I have to give her the real parts of myself.
“I’m sorry,” I say. To my surprise—judging by the look on her face, hers as well—it comes out sounding genuine.
I didn’t think I had it in me. I expected it to sound strained and forced, but I feel rather calm even after the words leave my mouth.
“Last night went horribly wrong, and it’s all my fault. ”
She steps out into the hall and leans her back against the doorjamb.
Her arms are crossed over her chest, and I read her loud and clear.
She’s listening, but she doesn’t trust me.
I can’t say that I blame her. I’m a dick, and that will never change.
I’m going to fuck up. A lot. And if I can get to a point where things might work between us, it’s going to take me a long fucking time to get there.
That last thought has me frozen in place. What the hell am I talking about? What do I mean by suggesting things between us?
I might have to face the fact that there is more between us, but I’m not ready to do it just yet.
I lose my train of thought for a minute as I take her in. Those shorts aren’t doing a thing to hide her thick thighs. Memories flash in my mind without my permission. I can see my hands on those perfect thighs. I can see them jiggle with every thrust.
Damn!
I wouldn’t be surprised if I was drooling. I know my dick is remembering how it felt to be between those thighs.
Like she can read my thoughts, her hip cocks disapprovingly, and I have to shake my head to pull myself back into the moment.
Sometimes her fire is hotter than her body. I’ve never known a woman to stand up to me the way she does. And I can’t say why it gets me so fucking hard.
“It wasn’t a stupid idea,” I say as I remember where I was going.
“Having dinner with you, I mean. I was frustrated, and it came out wrong. I’m shit with this kind of thing.
This situation is different… new, and I don’t have the first clue about any of…
this. Yes, Torrin suggested dinner, but as terrifying as the idea sounded, I wanted to share a meal and get to know you.
I just fucked it up. I was stupid, not the idea to…
” I pause and take in a deep breath. This emotional shit is a lot harder than one would think.
I roll my neck and shoulders. “Not the idea of wanting to spend time with you.”
I clear my throat, angry and confused about how I gave away so much. Maybe there’s a part of me that doesn’t understand half of it either.
“I’m not asking for a do-over because I don’t deserve one,” I press on, hating myself for each word that comes out of my mouth.
This isn’t me. I don’t fucking bow down.
I don’t apologize. And I sure as fuck don’t grovel.
“But I would really appreciate it if you’d give me a second chance.
” I lift the hand with the to-go bag, which is probably cold by now and won’t help my case as much as I’d hoped when I went out and got it.
“I brought you a burger and chicken nuggets. Not a single fruit or vegetable in here, unless you count ketchup, which I don’t. ”
She’s silent for a long moment. Her doe eyes are blank like a brick wall I can’t break through.
“Fine,” she says, giving in with a twitch of her lips. “But we need to talk first.”
I quirk a brow but say nothing. Internally, I’m breathing a huge sigh of relief.
“Will you at least eat while we talk?” I don’t know why I care about the damn food so much.
She gestures for me to step into her room. Though she doesn’t say yes, I smile inside at the obvious victory.
I carry the bags of stuff to the other side of the room, setting everything down on the small coffee table in front of the equally small couch.
I unpack everything, if only to have an excuse to give myself a minute to chill the fuck out.
Try as I might, my shoulders are stiff as I sit on the couch and face her as she takes the space at the opposite end.
The thing is really nothing more than an oversized chair, and as she rests her back against the arm of the couch and pulls her leg up on the cushion, it ends up pressed against my thigh.
She reaches for the container holding her food and smiles when she opens it up. I’m holding my breath as she takes a tentative bite of the burger.
“It’s good,” she says, going in for another bite. It pleases me to see her eating, but that’s a thought I push deep down. “Thanks.”
I hum, not able to speak as I watch her tongue dart out to lick the ketchup off her full bottom lip. I imagine pulling that plump pillow between my teeth. I imagine biting down on it until the smallest of whimpers slips out of her.
Or maybe she’d surprise me with a sexy moan. The thought is almost as delicious as the sound of her pain.
“People talk,” she says, causing my fantasy to pop and a scowl to take over my face. “They talk a lot, actually.”
I make a mental note to ask Andre what stores they went to yesterday and who talked to Astra. I will kill them all.
As if she can sense my growing rage inside, she places a calm hand on my arm. Her touch is soft. There’s a warmth that radiates through me, but I can’t explain where the fuck it’s coming from.
I know all the things they told her. All the things I am. Which leaves me wondering why the fuck it matters if she knows. I don’t hide any of it.
I am a fucking monster. A nightmare. I won’t hesitate to kill. Hell, she’s seen what I am, what I can do.
And yet, she’s here, touching me like she doesn’t have the first clue.
My chest tightens.
“Ask what you’re going to ask,” I say, voice flat.
I already know what it is. I knew the moment she said “people talk.” It’s all they ever talk about.
She wants to hear me say I killed my father. She wants proof that I’m the ruthless bastard they’ve deemed me to be.
“Do you think this curse is going to kill us?”
I’m stunned by her question.
She’s not… going to ask me about the shit she heard?
“Yes,” I answer without thinking.
“Then what does it matter? What does it matter what they told me? What does it matter what I know about you?”
She’s right.
I hate it.
“Yeah, I don’t think there’s a way out, too,” she says softly.
“I met up with Sandra today. She works for my father, and she says she knew my mother. I don’t know if I trust her, but I also don’t think I have any other choice if I want to find answers.
” Tears collect in her eyes as she looks down at her lap.
“She didn’t put this curse on me, but she gave my father the tools to do it. ”
There goes that rage again, building up inside me.
“He shouldn’t have done it.” She looks like she’s trying her hardest to hold it together as she talks.
“Forget the fact that it’s just wrong, he didn’t know what he was doing.
It was the only time he saw me when I was young, or so she said.
He didn’t have anything to do with me or my mother after that.
Well, until she died and he shoved me in a cottage with three guardians and a magical lock on the door. ”
“How did he do that?” I ask, unable to hold back.
I’ll kill whoever did it. I’ll kill them all.
“Sandra,” she replies in a broken voice.
She wipes at her eyes. “It seems Sandra helps him a lot. I don’t understand why, and maybe I don’t want to.
” She takes in a shaky breath. “Anyway. She said he must have done something wrong when he put the protection spell on me as a baby because the curse was only supposed to hurt those who…uh, um—”
“Fuck you,” I cut in with.
“Sleep with me without us being linked together by something called a Heart Bonding Ceremony.” She pauses, lips twisting to the side.
“I’ve heard of the ceremony, but I’m not really familiar with it.
She basically walked me through it, and it pretty much sounds like a wedding.
You have to have a coven elder there to witness, and basically, you just say a few things and hold hands. ”
“Why do you think you’re affected too?”
“I don’t know,” she says, and I can see the truth in her eyes. “It makes sense that it’s all wonky given the fact that my father performed a ceremony he had no right doing. He doesn’t understand magic! He doesn’t care.”
“Is there a way to undo it?” I ask, trying to keep my tone calm, even as I sense her anger rising.
“No. Well, Sandra said there isn’t a way to stop it once it starts. But she said maybe if we do the ceremony…”
“Fine. Let’s do it.” Even as I say it, my skin crawls with unease. It’s a binding contract, and the last thing I ever want to do is connect myself to another person in that way.
She sets the burger aside and gets to her feet.
“There’s one problem with that,” she tells me. “The feelings have to be real. It has to be pure.”
“And if it’s not?”
“Instant death,” she says, keeping her back to me.
Well, just when I thought this whole thing couldn’t get worse. I don’t have any kind of feelings for her, not truly and deeply, so this is not an option.
“What if we just… stay close for the rest of our lives?” I grit my teeth as I ask the question. I don’t like the idea. Yet… part of me doesn’t hate it completely.
Dread fills me when she shakes her head. She still won’t look at me, and it’s driving me mad.
“We have until the full moon of the Shadow Dance. Which also happens to be Halloween.”
“Four more days,” I mutter.
My gut clenches, and for the first time in a long time, I feel damn helpless.