Chapter 26 Donovan
TWENTY-SIX
Donovan
I can’t fucking sleep, which isn’t all that much of a surprise.
I’m out on the gallery, hidden in the shadows of the night like a fucking villain. Maybe stalker is more like it since my eyes are currently fixed on a sleeping Astra in my bed. Add creep to the mix because I’m out here fucking naked without a care.
No matter how you look at it, I’m some kind of monster. I won’t even deny that I am.
She looks so peaceful. Hell, she looks right all tangled up in my sheets. Like she belongs there. I hate myself for the thought, but I can’t hate the feelings that come with seeing her there or how she’s gotten under my skin.
I’ve lost count of the minutes I’ve been out here or how many smokes I’ve gone through.
The cherry of my cigarette burns bright as I take a long drag. I suppose if death is less than twenty-four hours away, it doesn’t matter what number I’m on.
I exhale slowly so my line of sight to her doesn’t get blocked by a cloud of smoke. I don’t dare to take my eyes off her. Part of me still can’t believe this whole thing is real. I have to take the good with the bad, no matter how much I want to keep just one part of this story.
Her.
I want Astra. I want to keep her.
I want a life with her. A chance to find out all the things I’ve been missing. An opportunity to protect and cherish her for years to come.
Part of me wants to go over there and crawl into bed beside her once again. She’d wake up and sleepily beg me to fuck her. I’d slide inside her, fucking her hard until we both come. Until I’m dizzy with confusion and drowsy from emptying my balls.
Then I’d fall asleep.
Beside her.
Like it’s something I can allow myself to do.
I inhale deeply to the point I feel the burn of the smoke in my lungs.
I want her.
But I don’t fucking deserve her.
I exhale hard.
I’m a fucking bastard, so I’m going to take her. I’m going to use her until I’ve had my fill. Then I’m going to cut her free once we figure out all of this curse shit. If we figure it out.
That’s the only way it can be.
She stirs, and I go stiff in the chair. I say nothing as she realizes she’s alone in bed. I can only imagine what she’s feeling. It doesn’t take long before I feel her eyes on me, even hidden here in the shadows.
Nothing is said as she slips out of bed, taking the blanket with her and wrapping it around her beautifully naked body. Her eyes stay locked onto me as she heads my way.
I look up once she’s standing directly in front of me.
Bringing the cigarette up to my lips, I take one more inhale before I snuff it out in the ashtray to my left. She crawls into my lap, and the moment her head leans against my shoulder, I turn to take a hit of her scent.
My dick awakens under her, but I tell it to settle. For probably the first time, fucking her is second on my list. I like the feel of her in my arms too much. I’m finding it… comforting, which is something I’m not familiar with because it’s too dangerous.
And that’s exactly what this is. It’s dangerous and foolish.
My dead heart kicks in my chest.
I wrap my arms around her, holding onto her tightly.
It hits me too fast, leaving me feeling as if I’ve gotten whiplash.
Astra’s not just in danger because she’s close to me, she’s dangerous for the exact same reason.
Because as we sit in silence wrapped up like this in the middle of the night, I realize that if anyone hurt her, I’d burn the world down to get revenge.
“We have to talk about it,” she says softly, breaking the silence.
I tip my head back and inhale the cool night air. I don’t want to talk about it. Hell, I don’t even want to think about it.
“Tomorrow’s the Shadow Moon,” she tells me, as if I don’t know that. It’s also Halloween. It has to mean something that those two fall on the same day this year.
“I’m aware,” I tell her, runnings my finger through her hair.
I sense what she’s not saying in that statement. And I’m aware of that too.
She exhales a long breath and brushes the tip of her nose against my neck.
I wish I had the words to comfort her. But what is there really to say? Nothing will change the situation or make it better.
Maybe we both just need to dive in and talk about it. Acknowledge it. We’re both likely in the same damn boat anyway. Only I don’t know how the fuck to start a conversation like that. Not even after she opens the door to it.
Fuck. Why am I so bad at this?
“Tell me about the ceremony,” I say, breaking the long stretch of silence.
I cringe. It’s probably not the best place to start. Then again, I think I’m finally ready to hear about it. It might not work. It might not be the solution to the curse. We might not even want to do it. But I have to know all my options… our options. I have to know how easily my life could change.
“You really want to hear about it? It’s not like it will do any good.” Her fingers rub absent shapes on my chest.
“I do.” I kiss the top of her head.
“Well, Sandra said—” I cut her off with a growl in my chest. I’m not sure we can trust anything that bitch has said.
“I checked with Fabien, too. Anyway, the Heart Bonding Ceremony is simple enough, but you have to have true feelings or it won’t work.
You’re making a vow in front of a coven’s high witch and the divine spirits, you can’t fake it.
Nor should you even try.” She gives a little shrug but doesn’t look up at me to see my reaction. Not that I’d give anything away.
She still doesn’t think I have real feelings for her. Maybe she’s right. Things like that don’t come easily for me, and maybe I’ve somehow tricked myself into thinking I feel something for her.
“Tell me about it anyway,” I urge her.
She sits up in my lap, wiggling her thick bottom until she’s comfortable. It does nothing to calm my eager cock. She pulls my hand up and places her palm against mine. Our fingers are lined up, hers much smaller than mine. I keep still, letting her lead.
“First, we do this with our hands.” All her focus is on our hands. I can tell she’s nervous, but I’m not sure why. “Then, we look at each other.” She pointedly drags her gaze to meet mine. “And say some words.”
“What words?”
She sighs, acting as if this whole thing is pointless and silly.
“My heart is in your hands, and yours in mine,” she starts. Her voice holds an edge of seriousness. “I will protect it and bring no harm to it.”
She pulls her hand away from mine.
“I’d prick my finger and place a dot of blood here,” she says as she touches her pointer finger to the middle of my palm. “It’s a blood bond, but it’s not blood magic. It’s to simulate the sharing of life force rather than taking away life, like in most cases with spells that use blood.”
I nod, taking it all in.
“You’d say it and do the blood thing.” She presses her hand against mine once again as she talks. “We touch palms again, and then it’s all over.”
She drops her hand from mine, and I watch it as it falls limp in her lap. I suddenly feel cold.
Her head goes back to my shoulder. It’s like we never even talked about anything.
“Tell me about your father,” she says. Her fingers begin to trace the inky lines of the curse’s mark on my chest. If we do survive, I wonder if the symbol of death or whatever it’s supposed to be will ever fade.
Or will it always be there as a constant reminder of what we went through?
It connects us, so I suppose I can’t hate it, even if I hate what it’s putting us through.
“I didn’t kill him,” I tell her flatly. She takes in a quick breath. “I know everyone thinks I did, but I didn’t.”
“Then… what happened?” she hesitantly asks.
“I don’t know,” I tell her.
Revenge has always been in the back of my mind, but I never had proof that his death was foul play.
Then people started saying I’d done it, and I just went with it.
There was no better way to take over his empire than to have everyone believe I killed him so I could wear the crown.
It’s been a heavy burden, especially when I didn’t hate the man.
“He had his reasons to keep me hidden,” I tell her. “I think he loved my mom, but his world was too dangerous to bring her into, and so it was too dangerous to bring me into as well. Until he had to.”
“What happened to your mom?”
“She died when I was thirteen. She had been sick for a long time. She went to several doctors and even had healers come in and try to work their magic on her, but nothing helped. Her body just shut down. It was like her time was over, and that was it, lights out.”
“I’m sorry,” she says, placing a light kiss on my neck.
“He took me in and looked out for me, but never…”
“Claimed you as his son?”
“Yeah,” I say with a heavy sigh. “But it took me a long time to realize there’s a difference between unwanted and unclaimed. He did it to protect me. And he taught me that this life isn’t one for feelings and attachments. They make you vulnerable, and they become your weakness.”
She goes stiff in my arms. I swallow thickly, wishing I could take those words back, but even if I did, the truth of them would remain.
It’s dangerous. And if I admit how I feel for her—if I wish to have a life with her, should we break the curse—then I’d be putting her at risk every minute of every day. She deserves more than that.
I suppose it doesn’t matter since this is the end for both of us. We haven’t found a way out. The hourglass is running out of sand, and I don’t think we’re going to find a way to break the curse.