Chapter 20 – Sebastian
SEBASTIAN
“Well, I’m going to assume you had a good night.”
My brother is smirking at me. Even as he grabs a mug from the buffet and fills it with piping hot coffee. It’s not a simple smirk. It’s a smirk that comes with consequences and knowing and laughter at my expense.
I sit down with my coffee in hand. The hour is early. I hadn’t assumed he’d even be awake, much less anyone else. Bellamy snuck out of my room about ten motherfucking minutes after we were done, and I’ve been a moody, insufferable, sleep-deprived bastard since.
It’s easy to get lost in what I’m doing when I’m with her.
Simple to push thoughts and consequences from my mind.
But then the moment is over, and she’s not smiling at me or kissing me or talking back to me, and the guilt of what I’m doing, all that I’m risking with her, insidiously leaks into my consciousness like poison.
I grunt.
“See, now I would have thought you’d be in better spirits.”
My head falls to the table, lost in my folded arms. Rowan, for being younger and not one to believe in much besides himself, is all I have. The only one who might possibly understand me.
“What am I doing?”
“Falling in love.”
He says it so simply. As if it’s fact and not fiction. “You know what I mean. Quit fucking around with nonsense. I fucked the nanny last night. I’m that horrible boss cliché.”
He laughs. “You’re a fucking fool, Sebastian.”
“Am I?” I challenge. “Do you know what comes with me getting involved with a woman like her? With any woman for that matter?”
“Yes. I already told you. Love.”
I don’t even bother raising my head to roll my eyes at him. “Stop being an asshole for two fucking minutes and counsel me on how this doesn’t end badly for her. Or for me. Or for my children.”
He sighs. “There is nothing that says it will. Are you speaking of the curse or of being with her?”
“All of it.”
“Even if you believe in this curse, there is nothing that demands any of you are in any more danger than anyone else.”
I lift my head. “Do you honestly believe that?”
“I do, actually.” His light eyes glimmer at me as he takes a sip of his coffee. “I’m not one to believe in this curse, but if that is our fate, what is the benefit of sitting around and waiting for it to come?”
“That’s not what I’m doing.”
“No. You’re hiding. Yes, you have the children to protect, but if we are a cursed family, then let them live every second of every day.
That is the revenge, brother. Living. If their lives were taken tomorrow, how would you feel knowing the last three years of their lives were spent doing little more than hibernating in this palace instead of being children out in the world? ”
“You sound like Bellamy.”
He nods as if I’m starting to get it. “That’s because she’s right and I’m right. She came into your life for a reason. Bellamy is your curse breaker.”
I snort in derision.
“No. I mean it. You love her.” He stands, refilling both of our mugs, sliding one of the steaming cups back at me.
I take it, gripping the warm porcelain, needing something to distract me a little before I tumble over the deep end.
“I heard you on the phone when speaking about her. Your voice when you said her name. Why the hell do you think I left London and flew home? I had to see her for myself. The woman who had ensnared you. Never before had you so much as mentioned any of the other nannies. They didn’t register with you other than their lack of caring properly for the children.
You blathered on to me about Bellamy for a solid ten minutes. ”
Is that true? Did I do that?
“Last night, when I saw you with her, well, it’s love, my brother. I don’t know what else to tell you. It’s easy to see and all over your face.”
“It can’t be. That’s not…it’s not who I am, Rowan.”
“What would you call this then?”
“Sex.”
“Try again. You had sex with Nora and never so much as caught a feeling for her.”
“Fine. Different sex. Dirty sex. Rough sex. Hot sex.”
He smirks at me. “Except the phone conversation happened before you even touched her. Keep going.”
I groan, falling back in my chair, my fingertips pressing into the edge of the wooden table. “Infatuation. Obsession. Desire. I can’t get enough of her, but it will pass.”
“Will it?” he challenges, and I don’t answer him because in my gut, in my blood, I know it won’t. I have feelings for Bellamy, yes. Strong feelings. Consuming feelings. But love?
“Explain how that is not love then,” he presses when I remain silent. “Because you learned the ugly, evil side of that word? What about the other side? The side that creates instead of destroys. The side that heals instead of ruins.”
I scoff, taking a sip of my coffee in a futile attempt to blow this all off. “And you know from experience this sort of love?”
“No. Not yet, but we’re not discussing me. We’re discussing you. Face it, Sebastian. You love Bellamy.”
I stare bewildered at him. My father always taught me that love is a vulnerability for a king.
A danger. One that can be weaponized. I see it with how I love my children, and I never imagined I’d marry for love.
It’s not what we do. We marry for station and power and bloodlines.
Or at least I did with Nora as that was what was expected of me.
But there is no denying that I want this woman.
More than just her body, I want her in a way that defies logic and reason.
I watch her and think about her and seek her out even for just a glimpse or a word from her smart mouth.
Words like mine and forever tumble over themselves for top placement in my head.
I’m possessive and savage over her. I want to kill Samil for simply saying her name.
I was inside of her last night, and it was like…like I was found. Seen. Home.
Is that what’s happening? Is that what this feeling is? Am I falling in love with her?
I want to speak, but suddenly I can’t breathe. The hollow part of my chest starts to burn, and I feel overwhelmed. Dizzy. Disoriented.
“Does she love you in return?”
My hands scrub up and down my face. “How does one know?”
He chuckles. “You just do. What I’m asking is if she’s using you or if there is genuine affection.”
“She’s not using me. Half the time I’m not even sure she likes me.”
“Who can blame her?”
I growl, glaring, beyond annoyed. Utterly out of sorts. “Fuck, Rowan. What the fuck?” I stand, pacing, running my hands through my hair. This is so much worse than I thought. “She’s twenty-one.”
“And?”
“And their nanny!” I roar, spinning on him.
“I’m fucking my kids’ nanny who is fifteen years younger than me.
I’ll be seen as a lecherous, evil old man preying on my young employee.
No one will understand the truth of it. And now…
” Fuck. “Now…” Shit. “Now I…motherfucker, now I love her.” I collapse into my chair.
Rowan is as calm as ever, not the least bit disturbed by any of this. In fact, he looks…elated. Smug.
“Perhaps if the two of you genuinely love each other, well, maybe that’s enough to save you all.”
“I don’t even know how to entertain that.”
I move to stand once more, needing to flee when he catches my forearm, stopping me.
“Hear me out. The whole notion of our curse began from a loveless relationship. From betrayal. Since that time, for every king or queen of our blood, there have been loveless marriages. But now you’re in love and Bellamy might just love you back.
Think of what that sort of power can do. ”
“You’re placing a lot of hope on something so tempestuous.”
“Maybe. Right now, it’s the best we’ve got. And it’s a hell of a lot more than we’ve ever had before. At the very least the girls and Zayer are happy. You found a nanny who cares for them and is bold and strong enough to handle you. Hold on to her, Sebastian. Hold on tight to her.”
I leave my brother in the breakfast room in favor of a run.
I could go to the gym. I could run there as I typically do, but right now I need fresh air and the paths that snake around the palace grounds.
Gravel grinds beneath my sneakers, the mountains in the distance already showing the first signs of snow on their caps.
For the sake of sounding like Game of Thrones, winter is coming.
It’s peaceful out here at this hour, cool, the solitude welcome.
And yet, I can’t get what Rowan said out of my mind.
Loving Bellamy. That love, if she loves me back, which…I think she does, having the power to break the curse.
As much as I tried to fight it, I know he’s right at least about the first part. I never stood a chance of not falling in love with her. I might have done so at first sight. Despite my stubbornness and preconceived notions of love, I’ve never felt more free or alive than I do now that I have her.
Free?
Is that what I am? Is that what we are? Is that what she’s done for us? Could it be that simple? No. There has to be a trick to that. Nothing in this world is ever that simple. Especially not for me.
By the time I return to the palace, I’m covered in sweat and my muscles ache. I’m also no more settled than I was when I left. I want to be with Bellamy. I want to be with my children—all of us, together.
I don’t know what this is with Bellamy yet. A relationship? Fun? We haven’t talked more about any of that yet, and I don’t know where Bellamy’s thoughts are. I need to speak with her. Today.
I bound up the steps and practically barrel into Althea coming down them. “Ah. There you are,” she says, though she’s scowling at me. “Next time you decide to leave the palace for a run, have the decency to bring your phone with you.”
“Why? What happened?”
“Rowan had me and Emily bundle the children up and then they left for the trail at the base of Mount Raichau that leads to the natural springs.”
“What?!” I bellow.
She raises a placating hand. “They took two attendants for every person with them. He promised not to be gone more than three hours.”