Chapter 27 – Sebastian
SEBASTIAN
Idon’t know how to shake it. It’s as if I awoke from a nightmare only to reenter one.
I felt some of it when her father died, and she sank into a grief-induced depression.
The guilt. The nagging feeling that the angel of death and despair that seeks out my family wasn’t quite done with us.
That I was the one who brought her down on Bellamy’s father.
But from the moment I found Bellamy on the floor of the kitchen three weeks ago, I don’t know how to look at my wife without thinking that I knowingly put her life in danger. I brought her into something I can’t get her out of.
And it’s eating me alive.
I’ve erected a wall between us, one I can’t knock down. I don’t sleep. I barely talk to her. I hardly touch her now.
Especially after my conversation with Charlotte in the kitchen the morning she was making pancakes.
Somehow the curse came up, and she told me that her father used to speak of it, especially when my father was murdered and Desta was taken.
She admitted she was surprised I remarried after what happened to Nora, and since then, I can’t get her words out of my head.
I love Bellamy more than I love anything in this world, and yet I don’t know how to be around her anymore without this interminable guilt crushing my soul.
Part of me wants to set her free. Or at least believes I should.
Bellamy is sound asleep upstairs, her body curled in on itself—or was when I left. She doesn’t know what to do with me right now, how to reach me, and I’m no help. Rowan and Althea are furious with me. They see how I’m breaking her heart. How I’m breaking mine.
The flickering flames of the fire cast shadows on the walls, their dance hypnotic, trapping me in my thoughts.
The leather of my favorite chair in my study creaks beneath me as I nurse a glass of bourbon and stare deep into the heart of the blaze.
The warmth is comforting, yet it does little to dispel the chill that has settled in my bones.
The coldness born not from the weather, but from the distance growing between Bellamy and me.
“What the fuck do I do?” I mutter under my breath, clenching my free hand into a fist. I know it’s my fault for marrying her into it. But how could I have denied my love for her? My beautiful, radiant Bellamy.
She deserved better than this, better than me.
The amber liquid swirls in the glass as I take another sip, the burn of the alcohol doing nothing to quell the guilt that gnaws at my insides. I love Bellamy with all my heart, but I can’t help but feel I’ve doomed her to misery or death.
And the worst part is, I haven’t the faintest idea how to fix it.
I’m the king. I should be able to fix anything. But even as I think the words, I know they ring hollow. For all the power I wield, I remain powerless against the family curse. Bellamy isn’t a transportation strike to negotiate. She isn’t a bill I need to fight for.
A sudden creaking noise startles me, and I turn to see the door to the study opening slowly. Caught off guard, my heart starts racing, pounding like a drum against my chest. No one comes to my study, and even Bellamy knocks.
I watch as a slight figure creeps into the room, looking about with nervous uncertainty until her gaze falls upon mine.
“Your Majesty?” Charlotte starts, her soft voice cutting through the silence like a knife. She looks surprised to find me here, and I can’t help but wonder what brought her to my study now.
“Charlotte?” I question with a nod, trying to mask my own surprise. “What brings you here and at this hour?” It’s well past midnight.
“I…I heard a noise, Your Majesty,” she admits, her cheeks flushing pink. “I was worried, so I came to investigate. I don’t sleep much and was walking around the palace.”
I blink at her, my thoughts scattered and naturally suspicious.
“I’m so sorry if I disturbed you, sir. I’ll go and leave you.”
I sigh, rubbing a weary hand on my forehead. In the weeks that Charlotte has been here, she’s been nothing but wonderful, and I have to remind myself who her father is.
“It’s fine. Please, sit down,” I invite her, gesturing to the leather sofa. I haven’t had much opportunity to speak with her about her position here yet and now seems as good a time as any. It’ll certainly take my mind off Bellamy for a moment. “Help yourself to a drink.”
“Thank you, sir. That’s kind of you to offer.”
As she settles in after fixing herself a bourbon, I’m struck by a pang of nostalgia.
It wasn’t so long ago that Bellamy and I shared almost this exact moment.
Although Bellamy had come in ready to argue with me about the children.
About the curse. And I ended up kissing her and ruining her all in one moment.
A memory that now feels painfully distant.
The clink of the ice cubes against the crystal seems to echo in the quiet room as she settles back onto the sofa.
I can’t help but notice the way her fingers toy with the rim of her glass, and then she takes a tentative sip, her eyes darting nervously between the floor and my face, clearly unsure of how to proceed.
“Tell me, how have things been going for you here?” I ask, hoping to put her at ease.
“Sir—”
“Please, call me Sebastian,” I say gently, trying to put her at ease. It’s strange, over the past few weeks, we’ve been in each other’s company countless times mostly discussing the children and their schedules, yet this feels different somehow.
Almost…not right. Or maybe I just miss my wife.
“All right…Sebastian,” The fire crackles in the hearth, casting a warm glow on Charlotte’s face as she sits across from me. “I’ve had a wonderful couple of weeks here,” she starts, her eyes sparkling. “The children are each so unique, so sweet and special.”
I can’t help but smile, feeling a sense of pride for my children and gratitude toward Charlotte for taking care of them so well. She’s not Bellamy and there is no replacing the love and life Bellamy has given them, but she’s doing a better job than any nanny before her. That’s for damn sure.
“They truly are remarkable,” I agree, my heart swelling. “They’ve come into their own, especially lately.” Because of my wife, not me.
“I’m really enjoying my time with them,” Charlotte continues, her voice softening as she gazes into the dancing flames. “I wasn’t sure if leaving France was the right move. I had been living there such a long time, but I’m glad I took the chance and made the leap.”
“What made you decide to do that? Make the leap, as you say?”
She stares into the flames as darkness crosses her features.
Slowly she raises her gaze to mine, and it’s as if I imagined it, her eyes are now open and bright.
“Timing is everything,” she says. “I’d been thinking about returning to Messalina for a while.
Everything came together at the right moment, and I considered it fate. ”
The way she phrases that hits me on another level. Bellamy always felt like fate to me, but lately, with all that’s happened, that word feels dangerous and unsettled. It feels out of control. Like fate is working against us instead of with us.
“Sebastian?” Charlotte’s voice breaks through my reverie, her wide eyes full of concern. “Is everything all right? You seem…distracted.”
“Sorry,” I murmur, forcing a smile onto my face. “I was just thinking about Bellamy.” My chest tightens as I say her name, a sharp reminder of the widening chasm between us.
“Ah,” Charlotte breathes, her eyes downcast. “I didn’t mean to pry. Is everything all right with you two?”
No. I’m breaking my wife’s heart and I don’t know how to stop.
“Yes, we’re doing fine.”
Only she’s not buying it because, obviously, I’m not selling it. “Is there anything I can do to help?” she asks, her words genuine and full of compassion.
“Unfortunately, no,” I sigh, the weight of my guilt pressing down on me. “This is something Bellamy and I must work through on our own.”
“Of course,” Charlotte murmurs, taking another sip from her glass. “But if you ever need someone to talk to, I’ll be here.”
“Thank you,” I say again, my voice strained, though she is only trying to be kind and helpful.
That is until she says, “Rowan left the palace earlier today rather abruptly. I hope everything is all right with him as well.”
“Yes.” I pause, considering how much information to divulge. “He had to attend to some family business.” And by family business, I mean he got a lead on Marie and sped off for Italy like a bat out of hell.
She takes a sip of her drink, curiosity unabated. “Family business?” she echoes, her eyes searching mine for more details. “I don’t mean to pry, but can I ask what kind of family business Rowan is attending to?”
My stomach tightens, and the weight of the secret bears down on me. I stare at her a little harder now. She’s a curious one, asking for things she certainly hasn’t earned.
“Nothing too important,” I assure her, my voice firm as I offer a tight smile I’m positive doesn’t reach my eyes. “Just something he needed to take care of.”
“Of course,” she murmurs, a blush staining her cheeks at my harsher tone.
“Sebastian,” Charlotte begins hesitantly, her eyes meeting mine once more.
“I hope I didn’t overstep. I want you to know that I’m here for you and your family.
If there’s anything I can do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask. ”
Well, now I feel like an ass. “I appreciate that,” I reply evenly, taking another sip of my drink.
Just as I allow myself to relax again, the door swings open with a soft creak and a gentle tap. Bellamy steps into the study, her eyes widening in surprise as they land on Charlotte and me. The sight of her, stunning even in her confusion, sends a pang of longing through me.
“Am I interrupting something?” she asks, her voice cool and distant.