9. Chapter Eight
Chapter Eight
Samuel
I stand at the door of the penthouse, my hand shaking so bad I can barely grip the handle. The knock has rattled me and I can barely move my legs are that damn heavy.
It’s not that I don’t want to see Stella. I’ve fucking missed her today, more than anything. But the weight of what’s about to happen feels like it might crush me, once and for all.
The moment I saw the message flash on my screen, I knew she’s come here to talk about it. She’s too smart, and with a day to work through her thoughts, she’s here for answers.
I take a deep breath, knowing that once I open this door, everything will change. I steady myself, fill my lungs, and pull it open.
And there she is.
Her sweet caramel hair is still damp, hopefully from a day well spent at the spa. She looks more beautiful than ever, her skin glowing with that fresh, radiant look that makes her seem almost ethereal.
My gaze drifts down her figure. She’s wearing that soft, pink sundress that hugs her curves just right. For a moment, I consider pulling her against me, forgetting what needs to be said between us and just giving into temptation again.
But I can’t.
“Stella,” I say, my voice rough with the emotions I’m trying to hold in. “Come in.”
She steps inside, her eyes searching mine like we’re two strangers again. I hate it. Fucking hate it. There’s worry etched on her face, too, and knowing I’m responsible for that makes me want to punch myself in the face.
I close the door behind her and turn, trying to find the right words. I want to tell her she smells amazing. I want to say how stunning that dress is, how sexy her body is. But I don’t. Instead, I just stand there, watching her as she moves further into the room, her presence filling the space with a warmth that wasn’t here before.
“Samuel,” she says softly, her voice pulling me from my thoughts. “We need to talk.”
I nod, my throat tight. “I know. Let’s sit down.”
She agrees and flattens her dress out as she takes a seat on the sofa. I follow and sit down beside her, wanting to be right beside her, but instead, keeping a slight distance. I don’t trust myself to be too close right now. Not when I’m about to tell her everything.
There’s a brief silence between us, the air thicker than ever. Slowly, she turns to face me, her eyes heavy with emotion.
“I hated today,” she says, her words catching me off guard. “I missed you this morning.”
My head drops. “I’m sorry, I just had to-”
“What do you want, Samuel? What is this? What are we doing here?”
Her words hit me like a punch to the gut. I close my eyes, hating that I’ve let her down. I can’t help but picture her lying in the bed behind us, looking around the room, searching for me. And I wasn’t there.
I squeeze my eyes tight, trying to gather the courage to say what needs to be said. When I open them again, she’s watching me with those big, honey-brown eyes, so full of concern and care that it almost undoes me.
“You,” I finally say, the word coming out like a confession. “I want you, Stella. But I don’t deserve you. I can’t have you.”
She frowns, confusion and hurt flashing in her eyes. “What do you mean? Why not?”
I look away, unable to bear the pain in her eyes. “Because of what I did. Because of who I am.”
She reaches out, her hand warm and soft against my arm. She grounds me in a way that only she can. “What are you talking about, Samuel? You can tell me anything.”
“I haven’t been honest with you,” I say, swallowing hard on the lump in my throat. “Not completely. There’s something I haven’t told you, something that will change the way you see me. It’s what haunts my every minute, it’s what I’ve been running from. But I can’t run anymore.”
She waits, her hand still on my arm. Her touch is the only thing keeping me from falling apart. I take a deep breath, feeling the tightness in my chest as I prepare to say the words that I’ve kept buried for so long.
“It was about two years ago,” I begin, my voice shaking. I’ve never talked about this before. Never. “I was leading my Navy SEALs, a special forces mission in the Middle East. We’re all trained for moments like this, and I was experienced with this task, so I took lead.”
I draw breath, trying my best to steady the pain in my head.
“I was the one giving orders. We were sent in to neutralize a high-value target, someone who was responsible for a lot of innocent deaths.”
The memories all come rushing back. The sights and sounds of that night playing out in my mind like a nightmare right here in the cabin. I can smell the dirt, hear the gunfire, the screaming children. Darkness and tension grips me as my body shakes. I relive every fucking moment.
“It was supposed to be a straightforward mission,” I continue, my voice barely above a whisper now. “We had a plan, every move calculated to the inch. But something went wrong. The plan fell apart and I made a call – a call I thought was the right one at the time – but it wasn’t. It was a mistake, a fatal mistake.”
I feel a tremor run through me, my hands shaking as I try to hold it together.
“Three men died on my command. All because of the instruction I gave.”
Stella’s hand tightens on my arm, her eyes wide with shock and sorrow, but she doesn’t say anything. She just lets me talk, let me get it all out.
“I’ve blamed myself every day since then,” I admit, my voice breaking. “I can’t get their faces out of my head. It should have been me. These scars, this limp… it’s nothing compared to their sacrifice. Their families are grieving because of me. I’m the reason they don’t have their husbands, their fathers, their sons.”
Tears sting at the corners of my eyes and I clench my fists. The pain, the guilt, it’s all too much, and it’s been building up for too long.
“I can’t forgive myself, Stella. I won’t. I don’t deserve forgiveness, and that’s why I don’t deserve you. Why should I be happy when they never got that chance?”
The room falls silent, the only sound the ragged breath I’m trying so fucking hard to control. I keep my eyes on the floor, unable to look at Stella, too ashamed to face the woman I’ve come to care for more than I ever thought possible.
But then, I feel her hand on my cheek. Gentle and warm.
I can’t help but lean into it, craving the comfort she’s offering. When I finally find the courage to look up, I see tears in her eyes, but there’s no judgment. No blame.
Only love.
“Samuel,” she whispers, her hand holding my cheek. “It’s not your fault. You did everything you could. Sometimes… sometimes things just go wrong. But that doesn’t make it your fault.”
I shake my head, the weight of her words almost too much to bear. “But they’re dead. They’re dead because of me, Stella.”
She moves closer, her arms wrapping around me, pulling me into her embrace.
“You didn’t fail them,” she says, her voice fierce. “You’re not responsible for what happened. Those men knew the risks, just like you did. They knew the missions they were going on, and they trusted you to lead them.”
She grips my chin between her fingers and pulls me to face her.
“You honored their memory by surviving,” she says, a tiny smile offering a chance at peace. “You can honor them by carrying on, by being strong and fighting for freedom, just like they did.”
I hold her tight, burying my face in her shoulder as the tears finally break free. I’m shaking, sobs wracking my body, but she just holds me. Her hands run smoothly over my back, whispering words of comfort in my ear.
For the first time in a long time, I let myself feel everything. The pain. The guilt. The overwhelming sense of loss.
And I let Stella be there for me, let her comfort me in a way I never thought I deserved.
When the tears finally subside, I pull back enough to look into her eyes. “I’ve been so scared. I’ve been scared to let you in, of letting myself feel this way about you. Because I didn’t think I deserved it. I didn’t think I could be the man that you need.”
She smiles softly. “You are the man I need. You’re strong, and brave, and you care so deeply about those who you love. That’s what makes you incredible. And that’s why I fell in love with you the moment we met.”
Her words take my breath away, the truth of them hitting me like a tidal wave. I’ve been running from this, running from her, because I was afraid of what it meant. But now, as I look into her eyes, I know that there’s no running from this anymore.
“I love you too, Stella,” I say. “I’ve been fighting it, but it’s true. I love you. And I’m so damn scared of losing you.”
She leans in, her lips brushing mine in a tender, sweet kiss that sends a surge of warmth through my entire body. My scars tingle, like her touch, her listening, her words, they’re all healing me from the inside out.
“You’re not going to lose me, Samuel,” she whispers against my lips. “I’m here, Samuel. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere.”
We sit there, holding each other, the silence between us filled with a new kind of peace. I look around, filling my lungs with a new, fresh breath of air that somehow feels lighter. The penthouse no longer feels like a cage. The luxury isn’t cold and isolating. Finally, I can see it for what it is, a sanctuary, a place where I can finally start to heal, with Stella by my side.
“I’m not perfect, Stella. I’ve got a lot of scars, a lot of things I’m still trying to figure out, but I want to be better. I want to be the man you deserve, and if you give me time, I can make you happy.”
She smiles, her eyes shining with unshed tears. “You already do, Samuel.”
For the first time in a long time, I kiss her with a sense of hope fueling my movements. I don’t know what happens when we leave this ship, but I know whatever happens, I want to face it with Stella.
I want to build a life with her, no matter what challenges lie ahead.