Chapter 15
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
TYLER
Two weeks later.
I wander around the corridors, searching for my Vallie, needing her.
It’s ten am on Saturday, and Molly has already learned a new drum solo and is eager to show her mum.
As I approach the door to the home office—expecting it to be closed and locked as usual—low voices slow my footfalls.
“You need to speak with Tyler. Spend time with him. He knows something is wrong between you two.”
“I have seen him most days.”
Dexter…
“You can barely look him in the eyes.”
For weeks, I’ve seen him only in passing. My big brother is too busy organising his office, networking, too busy… Ready to leave me again. My neck twitches to Martha Argerich’s favourite chord—C-minor.
Trigger.
The word comes to me.
I take a deep breath and wiggle my toes in my shoes. Sense my own reality. On the ground. In this house—my home. It’s huge… Dexter and I haven’t seen much of each other over the past few weeks, not since the night in the cabin.
He didn’t like what he saw; I get it. Me. Donnie. My twin’s hands around my throat. My orgasm.
Am I dirty to him?
Trigger.
Despite Vallie and Donnie trying to hide their thoughts; they are shit at it. Especially my twin. I see him. All of him. I’m not a fucking idiot. I know everyone tiptoes around me like I’m a mine in a field. Don’t trigger it.
I also know they are right.
Because I’m clear…
I know I get triggered. I recognise the build-up now. The music in my mind becomes tangible, deafening. I lose sense of where my feet are, where my mind is—not present. Not right. Not hearing.
This is all progress.
Recognising it is progress.
I lean back against the wall beside the open door, out of sight, out of mind. Out of mind…
“I have heard you, Baby Girl. I heard Donnie. But I can help.” I hear him move to his desk. “I found a hospital that specialises in genius minds with mental health issues. It is not uncommon. He is so gifted. This place will help him focus on his talent. I didn’t say anything until now, I had to wait to be sure they would accept him, but I received the email this morning. They will. They will help us.”
My talent.
I bled it out.
Trigger.
Suddenly, I feel something, a crawl of emotion, confusing and dark. A sweeping piano score…. I hear it, see a dark entity floating to its melodic flow through the corridor, towards me, wanting me— Requiem for a Dream …
“Donnie will never agree. And more importantly, Tyler will not agree. He plays for the joy of it. That’s really important. It’s crucial we don’t push him. The pressure of his talent is what started this. He doesn’t want to focus on piano in this way, Dexter,” Vallie says, and she’s right. I don’t want… I also don’t want to let him down or disappoint him. He is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a father. “He wants to be a dad”—her voice breaks— “he wants to be a stay-at-home dad…”
I am a dad…
“What is it?” Dexter’s tone softens. There is a pause, and I can’t hear. I can’t hear them… Then he finally says, “I see. I’ll go get some now, Baby Girl. Don’t be sad.”
“It’s okay. We only tried once. I’m being silly.” Vallie sniffles, and I curl my hands into fists. Hate that sound. Who made her sad? Dexter? Donnie?
Why are you crying, Vallie Baby?
My Vallie Baby…
“It will happen,” Dexter says to her reassuringly. “I’ll go get you some tampons now. I remember the kind you prefer.”
Tampons…
She’s not pregnant.
I didn’t give her a baby.
That’s my fault.
My sperm is broken…
Is it?
Can it be?
Trigger.