Chapter 19
CHAPTER NINETEEN
VALLIE
No, no, no.
My heart hammers in my chest, and with each second that passes, dread stacks rocks in my shoes, making it harder and harder to keep searching.
Donnie was combing the woods, Dexter around the grounds. I’ve searched his room, the piano room, and now I’m on the second floor, opening all the spare room doors one by one. Each room is emptier than the last; each space is a little larger, vaster, as if the walls are in the distance.
“Tyler!” My voice has become a hoarse cry. “Tyler!” God. Fuck. Jesus Christ, please let him be fine.
Can’t shake the thoughts… I imagine opening one of these spare rooms and seeing shoes hovering from the ground, my eyes blurring instantly, the world no longer filled with wonder, my throat contorting, soundless screams burning me, as I step backwards to not bump into the hanging body.
Oh, God. He wouldn’t. Surely. Did he hear Dexter? Did he hear me? Does he think I would let anyone send him away?
Never.
Never.
He’s mine!
I’m squinting through a storage room from the door jamb when I hear music. The sound pulls bile up my neck.
Through a shaky breath, I force myself to look down the corridor to the very last room. Door closed. Light a rectangle border…
I don’t know why I’m so scared.
This is just not like him, not at all. He’s always glued to me or Molly—he’s my golden retriever boyfriend. The sweet, fragile, six-foot-three, all-muscled, chiselled jaw, scarred angel that I can’t breathe without.
My hands sweat as I slowly walk towards the door, single-minded, arrowed. I look at the slither of light beneath the door, hoping to see a shadow break it, an indication of movement on the other side. Of life.
I see nothing. Just still.
The music gets louder.
I reach out and turn the door handle.
Swing it open.
Hold my breath.
A piano sonata hits me.
And I burst into tears when I see Tyler sitting on the edge of a king-sized bed, staring at his hands.
“Tyler.” I rush to him, falling at his feet. I grab his hands and kiss them, worshipping each scar, and then cup his rough jaw to punch kisses over his lips. “I thought—” Tears cloud my vision. “I thought—" Fuck , his brothers. Turning, I call down the corridor, “Donnie! Dexter! He’s here.”
He grips my shoulders and pushes me backwards to my heels, putting space between us. My eyes gape up at him, but I don’t go to touch him again. “Are you okay? What happened?”
“If you touch me, I can’t think.”
“Okay.” I lift my trembling hands, showing him my palms. “I won’t. Talk to me. What’s going on?”
Heavy footsteps thunder up the stairs, and before I know it, Donnie and Dexter are standing in the open doorway.
“Goddamn it, Tyler!” Donnie thrusts his hand through his dark hair, a look of pure agony on his face as he drags it back down and groans.
Dexter squeezes his eyes shut, a single tear breaking free, trailing the sharp contours of his features. “ Fuck .”
Tyler’s eyes lift to us, detached, clouded momentarily in thought. “Donnie. Dex. I made you worry. I’m sorry.” He looks between us. “Vallie Baby.” Affectionately, he brushes my hair over my shoulder, an apology in his touch, but his gaze gets snagged on the uneven surface of his knuckles thread with my hair. “After I heard your conversation?—”
I start, “Ty, I should?—”
“Let me talk.” His voice is deep and dominant, tone heavy, but still only slightly louder than a whisper. “I found myself in my room with a blade to my knuckles. These knuckles.” He pulls his hands back, staring. “Trigger. Heard Martha playing. I wanted the ribbons out. The talent. My genius. If I cut it out, then you won't send me away… There.”
I sob softly. “ Tyler .”
His blue eyes, turbulent pits of sorrow, suddenly glisten above a forming smile. It’s odd. Sorrow and strength in one expression. “But I stopped. I didn’t bleed.” His smile grows, and he looks between us. “'Cause of Molly. Molly has talent. She's going to be a pop star, and I never, ever want her to be afraid of her talent. I'm a dad first. So...”
He rises to his feet. “I'll go. If you want me to go to this place, this treatment place, if it will help, I’ll go.”
I stand before him. “ No .”
“No.” Dexter moves to my side. Both brothers are at least a foot taller than me, basically pillars of muscles. “I was wrong, Tyler. I was so wrong to do this. I will figure out how to fit into your lives, as they are. I will.”
“And me?” Pain fills his eyes. “You’re disgusted by me.”
“No, buddy. God. I fucking love you.” His voice chokes out the words. “I was just blind with the need to make amends, but you’re different, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s just you. This is a me issue. Not you.”
Tyler lifts his chin, strong and powerful on the outside, with a wild and sensitive centre. “I used to cut the things on the outside to try to kill the things on the inside, Dexter. But Molly's talent is so beautiful. I'm not sure...” He pauses. “It’s still new. A new feeling, but I don't feel the same inside anymore. I want to keep the talent and share it with her.”
I exhale heavily. “I like that, baby.”
Feeling too much, basically trembling with adrenaline, I peer across to check on Donnie, only to see he is scowling at Dexter as though he is moments away from lunging for him.
“ Donnie ,” I warn.
“If I didn’t fucking love you, Dexter,”—Donnie points, his hand vibrating with rage— “I would knock your fucking teeth in for messing with his head.”
Dexter clenches his jaw, nodding. Accepting. “If it makes you feel better, you can. I won’t stop you.”
“Hm,” Donnie grunts before grabbing Tyler by the back of the head and tugging him down the corridor. “You were in Mum and Dad’s room.” It was a statement, but a question skates the surface.
Clutching my heavy heart, I shuffle to gaze around the room. I haven’t really been in this room. The maid refreshes the rooms we don’t occupy.
Their bedroom has a timeless elegance, the wooden bed displaying carvings that hint at the long-gone era of carpentry.
They left it this way.
“Come on,”—I reach for Dexter’s hand—"Let’s go downstairs and do nothing.”
“ Frozen ,” he mutters, clearly drained. The single word seems heavy. Final. As if he’s made his mind up about something, and it starts with Frozen . “I’m going to watch Frozen with Molly.”
And that is that.
We don’t need to say anything else. I know that this moment with the brothers has changed something.
Sometimes, it’s necessary to see the truth, the tragedy, not merely be told it exists. Dexter was the outsider, but he’s seen Tyler now, felt the fear of losing him, experienced it.
And no more words need to be shared. The commitment we have to this family has become our gravity.