Chapter Six #2
“Not a bad kind of shocked,” he said. He loosened his grip, unwilling to keep her somewhere she didn’t want to be.
But Sammie waited, her stormy eyes searching his face for something.
What, he wasn’t sure of, but she didn’t pull any further away, so Kieran took the win for what it was.
“Just… shocked. I… didn’t realize that was why you wanted to talk to me about this. ”
Sammie’s jaw clenched, but she sank back into her seat, hands falling to hide beneath the table.
He knew what she was doing, that same nervous picking she’d been in the habit of for as long as he’d known her.
He flexed his hand in his lap, wishing he could reach over and stop her from hurting herself.
“It’s not the only reason,” she finally said.
She was slumped in the booth, defeat lining her shoulders, reminiscent of a sad puppy once more.
“And I didn’t mean to be so goddamn blunt about it.
It just sort of… slipped out.” She shrugged, chewing on her bottom lip as she looked at him, waiting for a response.
“Tell me where you’re at right now.” It was something he’d used in the past, with his sexual partners, whether they were making content together or not.
And, while he might not be ready to think of Sammie that way, it had never failed him in the past. “Tell me what you’re thinking. While you finish that waffle.”
She breathed deeply, hesitating before finally slicing off another bite, chewing slowly, lost in thought. Kieran simply waited.
“You make good money,” she began. “You just said as much. And with all the repairs on granny’s—on my house, I could use some extra cash.”
Kieran shook his head. “Speaking from experience, that’s not enough of a reason to get into something like this.” She watched him, unblinking, waiting for more of an explanation. “It’s hard, Sammie. You’d be putting yourself out there in a way you never have before, right?”
She nodded.
“Right, so that is a whole thing on its own, but pair it with the fact that you’ll be exposing yourself in a highly sexual nature…
that’s not easy. It’s not something everyone can handle, which is not a bad thing, it’s just the reality of this sort of career.
” He paused, hoping she would have something to say.
“Well.” Sammie hesitated, her brows knitting together as she thought. “I’m definitely nervous about the prospect. But I wouldn’t say I’m scared.” She looked up at him, her expression flinty. “I’m not soft, I’ve had people say shitty stuff to me online before. I can take a lot.”
It felt like a challenge, one that stirred something in Kieran. He liked it, the grit he saw in her gaze, the steadfast determination. This was the Sammie that had stood her ground when the other guys hadn’t wanted a girl playing volleyball with them every summer.
“I don’t doubt it,” Kieran said, weighing every word.
The last thing he wanted was for this to tip toward an argument of any sort.
“But I want you to think about this as much as you can before you decide to take it any further.” He wouldn’t stop her.
What right did he have? He was delusional if he thought he even could stop her.
“And if I do decide to take it further?”
A challenge there, in the question, in her eyes. So far from the mortified expression she had worn as Kieran had nearly asphyxiated on his waffle.
Maybe he hadn’t given her enough credit. Sammie was tough.
“Why with me?” he asked. “Why not start something on your own?”
That seemed to catch her off guard, as though she’d already been expecting him to shut her down.
“Oh.” She hid behind her water again, taking a long pull from it as she collected herself.
Kieran waited, watching her. “Well,” she continued.
“You already have a platform, and I would be starting from scratch on my own. I also don’t know what I’m doing, so having someone to show me the ropes would be nice.
” Her gaze met his, unblinking as she waited for his response.
Kieran hesitated. Her answer had sounded prepared. Rehearsed. He couldn’t help but think back to that day in the rain, eight years earlier.
“Those are your only reasons?” His response would hinge on her answer.
Kieran hadn’t been romantically involved—if he could even call it that—with anyone since he’d left Seattle, and didn’t intend for that to ever be the case again with any collaborators.
He wasn’t going to do something like this with someone who might end up getting hurt once she realized his feelings didn’t match her own.
Not after his feelings had failed him so miserably the last time.
The air between them felt brittle, charged but fragile, as he awaited her response. Sammie looked down at her food, pushing the last bit around on the plate, her hair falling forward, hiding her expression.
When she finally looked back up, her gaze was shuttered, her eyes unreadable. “It does seem fun. I think I would enjoy it. The idea of putting myself out there like that, it’s so far removed from what I was raised to do, to be.” A pause. “If you say no, I’ll still try.”
Kieran waited, letting her words sink in as he twirled the salt shaker he’d abandoned earlier.
Maybe she was being honest, maybe those really were her only reasons for approaching him with this offer.
If she was lying, if she did still have the feelings for him that she’d had all those years ago, she was doing a good job of hiding them in the blinking lights of the small diner.
The fact that she was going to do this, with or without his help, made him feel safer in the decision he was about to make.
“We can try it,” he said, spinning the salt one last time before pushing it aside. “If you’re sure you want to do this, we can try.”
Her eyes went wide as her cheeks flushed pink. It seemed she hadn’t expected a yes from him. “Really?”
Kieran nodded, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the table, folding his hands under his chin. “We’ll need rules.”
“Rules?”
“Yes, rules. Think about what things are off limits for you, on or off camera. Make a list and bring it with you whenever we set a date.”
That seemed to fluster Sammie more than anything had yet. Her face was growing more red by the second as she blew out a big breath, puffing her cheeks. “Okay, yeah, I can do that.”
“I want you to make another list. One of things you might be interested in doing, trying. I’ll make one too. That’ll help us see where we want to start, and might give us content ideas down the line.”
“Oh jeez.” Sammie pulled out her phone, opening her notes app to jot down what he was saying. Kieran suspected it was an eye-contact avoidance tactic. Cute. “I can do that too.”
“Sure you’re good with all this? It’s never too late to back out.” He waited until she was looking at him again. This part was important, for both of them. “It’s never too late to back out. Promise.”
Sammie nodded, all hesitance, all embarrassment vanishing from her face. “Of course. For you as well.”
“Let me know when you have those lists ready,” Kieran said. “Then we can set a date.”
“I will.” A smile, a smile, pulled at her lips. “I can never tell Attie about this.” A laugh, bright and clear. “How will I get Kai to unsubscribe?”
Kieran raised a brow. “Kai is one of my subscribers?”
“He is now.” Heat flooded Kieran’s cheeks, pulling more laughter from Sammie. “How is that more embarrassing than me finding out?”
“I don’t know,” Kieran sputtered. “He’s a paying customer, it’s different.” A thought nagged at him, though. “But I’d hate for you to do something you feel the need to hide from the people who are important to you.”
Sammie chewed her final bite, eyes sparkling as she looked at him. “It’s not that. Attie’s never going to let me live this down. But you do want this all to be a secret, right? Isn’t that why you do the whole”—she gestured a hand over her face—“sexy ball cap thing?”
Kieran chuckled. “I don’t want my identity to be public, no. I doubt management would be a fan, even if I’m not technically breaking any rules. There’s nothing in my contract about sex work affecting the respectability clause.”
“And you wouldn’t do this if it was against the rules?”
“I like to follow rules, what can I say?”
Sammie’s smile was small, wistful. “You always have been a stickler.” Her gaze fell to her plate, empty now but for a small pool of syrup. “I honestly didn’t think you would say yes to this.”
Kieran couldn’t really believe it himself. He still didn’t know exactly why he was agreeing to it all. He opened his mouth to say as much when Sammie continued.
“I thought I’d get to have you turn me down a second time.
” She chuckled, reaching up to tug the scrunchie out of her hair, letting it cascade around her face, waves falling just past her shoulders.
Kieran thought he could smell her shampoo, a soft hint of strawberries that was nearly drowned out by the warm scents left behind from their meal together.
“It’s different this time.”
Kieran didn’t frame it as a question. He searched Sammie’s face, looking for any sign, any flicker that contradicted what he’d said. She hesitated, still looking down at her plate, long enough that a wriggle of doubt began to burrow into Kieran’s mind.
“Yeah.” She finally looked up. “Yeah, it’s different this time.” A small shrug. “I’m not a kid anymore.”