Chapter Thirty
Oliver
A lmost every part of Oliver was telling him to leave. But somehow, he had to find a smile and not ruin this for his best friend. He clenched his fists and turned to walk back to the house. His eyes connected with the one person he both wanted to see and couldn’t bear to. But Hayley’s face, normally so cheerful and full of joy, was icy. She glared at him as she marched forward.
‘It’s nearly photo time,’ she said. ‘You need to be there.’
Yes, he did. He had to do what was right, not what was easy. Surely that wouldn’t be too difficult for Mr Wright or Mr Always Right. That nickname didn’t fit, not really. He’d always made what he deemed the correct decisions at work and for his career, but when it came to relationships, he was woefully wrong. He’d had the opportunity for something special with a wonderful woman and he’d failed.
His help leading up to the wedding had been negligible, and he couldn’t refuse this.
‘Listen, can we talk? Later, if not now.’
‘You think I want to talk to you?’
‘No. I imagine you want to kick me in the nuts and slap my face, but that might not look too good. If we can get through the photos without a black eye that would be best.’
‘Since when have you cared about any of this?’
‘I care about my friend. This didn’t matter as much as it should in the beginning. You’ve borne the brunt of it, and I’m sorry.’
‘I feel like we’ve already ruined it. This is meant to be a happy day, but I feel completely shit.’
Oliver glanced over Hayley’s shoulder and saw Finlay and Genevieve exiting the main house. Finlay smiled over at him. If he hoped anything would happen between his best friend and his sister, then his hopes would be dashed.
‘I’m sorry,’ Oliver said again.
‘Me too.’ Hayley turned and walked away. Oliver stood rigid and alone for a few seconds. A crushing sense of loss overwhelmed him and, stupidly, completely uncharacteristically, he almost cried. What the hell was wrong with him? Clearing his throat and adjusting his lapels, he made to follow, but he couldn’t.
Hayley had reached the bridal party and was chatting to Rafe Harrington. He was gesticulating and laughing. Hayley grinned at him. This was who she was: an outgoing, fun woman, who wouldn’t stay single for long.
Oliver wandered into the rose garden and along the trellis-lined paths until he came to a place with a little pond and a bench. He’d seen this place before on social media. Finlay had initially proposed to Genevieve here. He sat on the bench and put his head in his hands. What was happening to him? Everything he’d done made sense in his mind, so why did he feel so bad? Why was he always so empty? No matter what he did, a constant ache lingered in his heart. Originally, he’d put it down to losing his mum, but now it seemed more than that. Like he’d lost a bit of himself. Or maybe a bit of himself was still undiscovered. How could he find it? Would he ever? Where was the missing piece? He needed it.
‘Oliver,’ a woman’s voice said.
He started, his hands falling from his face, and for a heart-stopping moment, he thought he would look up and see the ghost of his mum. He blinked. But it wasn’t a spectre. It was Hayley. ‘Oh… Hi.’ He dropped his hands to lean them on his knees.
‘Are you coming for the photos or what? Finlay sent me to look for you.’
‘Oh god. Yes.’ He went to stand, but Hayley put up her hand.
‘The photographer is doing Finlay and Genevieve on their own first, so now’s your chance.’
She sat beside him, but still with some distance between them.
‘I’m not sure what to say.’
‘Well, you better think fast.’ Hayley stared forward at the pond. ‘Because we don’t have long.’
‘I know you’re mad at me, and I don’t blame you. It’s—’
‘Actually, before you say anything, let me tell you something. Before your big confession earlier, I’d been thinking about giving up my life here and going to London with you. It wasn’t exactly the life I’d planned in my head, but you know what, relationships need compromise sometimes.’
‘That wouldn’t be fair, you’d—’
‘Let me finish. I was considering it because I love you.’ Her voice cracked slightly.
‘Hayley… You know that I do too but—’
‘But you’re too scared. I know. And there’s no point in me giving up my life here because no matter where I am, it wouldn’t take away the fear. If we lived together in London, you would still panic I would die in a tube accident every time I left the house.’
‘Exactly.’
‘But Oliver, if you’re so afraid of losing me, why are you so willing to give me up?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘If you go back to London, you’ll lose me anyway. I love you, but I won’t wait forever. I can’t. I have things I want to do with my life. Maybe I’ll never find someone I love as much as you, but I’ll try.’ She held her hand to her lips. ‘And you know what? I could still get knocked down or have a car accident. These things might happen whether you’re with me or not. I get that you’re trying to protect your heart, but what if you spend your life doing that and nothing ever happens? Isn’t it worth the risk for the chance of happiness in between? Happiness is the journey, not the destination, because you may never arrive. Or you may be there already, but don’t realise it. Do you have to wait until all your ducks are in a row before you do anything? Or can you accept that sometimes a couple of wonky ducks are ok? By the time they’re all lined up, you might have forgotten what you were lining them up for in the first place.’
A lump worked its way up Oliver’s throat and his eyes prickled. He forced himself to nod because he wasn’t sure he could get words out. She was so right. He’d spent his life trying to create perfection without leaving room for happiness.
‘I’m going back,’ she said. ‘You should come too. You’re needed for the photos. I’ve put my cards on the table, and I can’t do any more.’ She got to her feet and waited for a moment. He didn’t move. How could he? With a little shrug, she walked away.
Go after her! The voice in his head shouted, but his heart trembled, and he stayed put. This was the moment. He had to decide. He could plough on like he’d always done, trying to avoid sadness, but it might come anyway, or he could be brave and take this opportunity before Hayley found someone else.
He closed his eyes tight and opened them again. The fountain tinkled incessantly, and his eyes landed on the statue in the middle of it. A stone woman with long flowing hair danced with a little boy who was cherub-like with curly hair and a pudgy little tummy. Marks and weather blemishes stained the woman’s face, but she was smiling. At me?
He’d never really believed in beyond the grave type messages or signs from another world, but words formed inside his head, and he wasn’t sure where they were coming from.
What really matters is not what we bought, but what we built; not what we have, but what we shared; not what we lost, but what we loved.
How could he let this fear of loss carry on? Hayley was right. What if he spent his whole life worrying about something that may never happen? Life was going on right now and with every second he remained static, he was missing it, and he couldn’t let that happen.