6
Marie
F or the next three weeks, I exist in a feverish dream that feels real. Or in a feverish reality that feels like a dream. I can hardly tell what it is at this point. From the moment I rise until the moment I go to bed, my thoughts are only for Edouard. I think of his hands on me and his lips on my neck and the way it felt to have him pressed against me-throbbing there in a way that shocked and thrilled me all at once. The way it felt when his finger stole beneath the seam of my dress, that warning hum of electricity, seconds from bursting into flame .
Itˇs a struggle to hide it. Especially when I canˇt glance up without finding his gaze on me, when every time our eyes meet his mouth will move, just a hint...a smile doing its best to escape .
Irene is always hovering nearby so itˇs nearly impossible to be alone with him, but he often manages to slide a note into my coat pocket, and those notes become my life when I canˇt be with him. Theyˇre how I know that heˇs written the bishop about being replaced here, that heˇs applied for a teaching position in Manchester. Theyˇre how I know that he dreams of a life with me somewhere far away, where he can hold my hand and introduce me as his wife without being judged .
I arrive to serve Saturday night dinner. Edouardˇs head turns toward me from across the room-his eyes drifting over my face, his mouth tipped upward-and then he begins to move, crossing the room to reach me though he should not. ¨You shouldnˇt come over like that,〃 I tell him, though Iˇm smiling .
¨I canˇt help it,〃 he says. ¨Itˇs impossible to stay away from you, now that itˇs decided .〃
Irene suddenly appears in front of us both. She used to greet me but no longer does, and tonight she fixes me with an ugly look before she turns to Edouard. ¨I could use your help,〃 she says abruptly. Edouardˇs smile and my own fade at her tone .
If this is too much for her, I canˇt imagine how sheˇd react if she saw us the way we were outside the confessional. Or the way he kissed me last Monday in one of those rare moments when we happened to be alone .
I get through the dinner service, unnerved by the change in Irene...something I hadnˇt quite picked up on until today. When itˇs time to leave, I make my way to the door and Edouard meets me there, lifting my coat from the peg and holding it for me as I tuck myself inside. ¨You shouldnˇt be doing this,〃 I whisper. ¨Irene ...〃
¨I know,〃 he says .
I turn toward him. His gaze drops to my mouth and remains there just long enough to make me feel like Iˇm on fire. My cheeks are flushed, my body overheated at the mere thought of the way he kissed me the last time we were alone. In moments like this I no longer care what the church says about intimacy. I donˇt care about his duties to the town, or what people would say if they knew, or that everything I want from him is a sin. I just donˇt care .
His eyes close. ¨Perhaps itˇs for the best that we canˇt be alone .〃
¨I disagree,〃 I reply softly .
His eyes fly open, and his chest rises and falls too quickly. ¨Meet me,〃 he whispers. ¨Later. Only for a moment .〃
¨Where?〃
He hesitates. ¨Your barn...will you be warm enough there? I wonˇt ask you to stay long .〃
I smile. It wouldnˇt matter it he asked me to meet him in the Arctic Circle. Iˇd remain forever. ¨Yes. Iˇll watch for you .〃
His eyes are the brightest, most vivid blue. ¨Then itˇs a date .〃
I sit downstairs in the dark. Amelie and Henri are already in bed, and they must be asleep at last, given that they are finally, praise be , silent. Itˇs impossible in a house of this size not to hear them when theyˇre intimate, and the truth is that everything about it sounds painful. The headboard thumping against the wall, their muffled cries. I once asked Amelie if it wasnˇt awful-because really, how could it not be?-and she laughed and assured me she wouldnˇt be following him to the orchard for something she didnˇt enjoy .
I understood her point but not the mechanics of it-the way something that seemed uncomfortable and sounded terrible could be pleasant enough to seek out-but now I think I do. Wanting Edouard like this feels more like than pain than pleasure, but itˇs the sweetest sort of pain. The kind that tortures me. And if relief lies in following that path-the path my brother and Amelie go down far too many times a day...well, Iˇm desperate enough to try .
I see movement in the dark and cross the yard to the barn, gathering my coat around me as I walk .
¨Marie,〃 he whispers from just inside the door. Even in the darkness I can see the look on his face-adoring and hungry at the same time. He reaches out his hand and I allow him to pull me close, my heart hammering in my chest .
My face presses to the smooth fabric of his shirt and I breathe him in. ¨Will you still smell like this, even when youˇre not a priest?〃 I ask with a small laugh and he smiles, cradling my jaw in his hand .
¨Yes, I imagine so. Will you still want me if I donˇt ?〃
I laugh again. ¨I imagine so .〃
He leans down and kisses me. Softly, again and again, holding my face as if Iˇm something he treasures enough that he wonˇt put it down, not for a moment .
¨One day soon I will do this in public,〃 he swears .
I want him to do so much more. I want relief from everything I feel. I want that spark I felt when his lips trailed away, when his hands gripped me hard. ¨Kiss my neck again,〃 I ask, blushing at my boldness .
¨Marie,〃 he says, his jaw clenched, ¨Iˇm trying to restrain myself .〃
His eyes have shuttered closed. He looks tortured, and were I a better person I wouldnˇt persist, but instead it makes this hollow, needy thing in my stomach burst into flame. ¨I donˇt want you to restrain yourself .〃
With a low groan he gives in, tightening his hold on me while his soft mouth moves to my neck, pulling at the skin there in just the right way, the way that makes my desire bloom. I feel him, throbbing between us just as he was the last time, and when I arch to bring us closer, air hisses through his teeth and he crushes my skirt in his fist .
His mouth moves to mine again, harder and rougher and more demanding than it was .
His hands cup my breasts and when his thumb glides over one nipple I gasp. Itˇs...so much. Exquisite and torturous all at the same time. I wonder if itˇs like this for him as well and the thought emboldens me. With my heart humming I slide my palm over the tented front of his pants, over the part of him that is hard and far too large to ever fit inside me .
He moans, low in his chest .
¨I donˇt know what to do,〃 I whisper .
His teeth are clenched. ¨You donˇt have to do anything .〃
¨I want to, though,〃 I say. ¨Tell me .〃
¨What you just did,〃 he says. ¨But harder .〃
I wrap my hand around him and his head falls to my shoulder. He gasps for air. ¨Yes,〃 he hisses. ¨That .〃
His reaction thrills me, just as his lack of control does. During our entire acquaintance, itˇs felt as if heˇs had all the power. But now this beautiful man who speaks calmly before hundreds of people is dissolving at my touch. Itˇs almost thrilling enough to put my own needs aside, but when his hand slides up my skirt and his fingertips press to the outside of my underwear, I become greedy once more. I arch to get closer, my hand moving over him all the while. I was tentative at first but grow bolder, grip him harder until heˇs like steel beneath my fist .
And he grows bolder too, his fingers sliding beneath my undergarments, circling and dipping inside me until it feels as if thereˇs a storm inside me. Until Iˇm so overheated and desperate it almost scares me. My head tips backward, my mouth falls open .
¨Edouard,〃 I breathe suddenly, shocked and a little terrified. My muscles clench, clench and then I explode like a star, crying out before I manage to stop myself .
¨Oh God,〃 he groans, thrusting hard against my hand, and then the fabric between us grows wet and his thrusts slow and then stop .
I realize what has happened, and it seems like a miracle to me. Itˇs a miracle that what we just did could produce a child if we wanted it to. Itˇs a miracle that heˇs here with me, that heˇs chosen me. And itˇs a miracle that something this wondrous exists in the world and I had no idea until tonight .
I lean against his chest. ¨No wonder my brother and Amelie never leave their room. Is... intercourse...is it like that too ?〃
¨With us,〃 he says, ¨I suspect it will be even better. But my God I donˇt know how to go back to what we were after tonight. I donˇt know how Iˇm going to wait until the church replaces me .〃
I donˇt either. I want more. I want everything . And as I stand here with him, it strikes me that we donˇt have to wait .
He gave in easily tonight. I feel certain I can convince him to give in again .